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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:23

You haven't met my teenager! They're hard in different ways ( all that angst, tantrums, friendship dramas, schoolwork you can't do) though easier than preschoolers in that you get more time

Amar1na · 07/04/2017 13:27

Dingdong - I think people do grasp your argument, but they also grasp that life is not always so black and white. For instance, in my case, DH has preferred me not working for various reasons. In effect then, anything I do outside the DC and him is a "hobby", by your logic. Can you see how that could become a bit restrictive long term?

Darbs76 · 07/04/2017 13:29

I'd leave my 12yr old as long as he wasn't seriously sick - he has a mobile. A 15yr old is beyond old enough to stay home

BarbaraofSeville · 07/04/2017 13:29

I think a lot of people don't appreciate what needs to happen to keep and do well in one of those long hours big jobs.

As well as the long hours and actually doing the job well, there's also the expectation of total commitment and a SAHP to protect the employee from domestic requirements getting in the way.

It's not right, but it's often the way it is and if there is an employee who is constantly needing to work at home when it isn't considered the norm in a particular industry, or go home 'early' to help with bath time or anything else that certain employers consider irrelevant, that employee will find themselves passed over for promotion or at the front of the redundacy queue.

And if they lose that job, they might not get another one at the same level and then where would the family be?

But this whole thread would be irrevelent if the OP did the sensible thing and just let her DH go to work, go off and do her course and let DS stay in bed or on the sofa with a bucket close to hand. Or is she trying to justify her position of being 'needed' at home?

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/04/2017 13:42

FFS. You are a "SAHP" of a school age child, and can't be arsed to look after him when he's ill. Maybe you're too busy? Clearly not, as you have a cleaner, gardener and dog walker!! He is so unreasonable to expect you to do this - he should pay for a live-in nanny, as its so unfair to expect a poor little woman to do anything at all. I say its abuse, ltb. Seriously - why get a dog if you can't be arsed to walk it??? You sound utterly spoilt, and I would be surprised if your husband was still around in a few years. Unless you're a trophy wife, I don't see what your role in the marriage actually is. Get a job, or start being a full-time mum and homemaker.

Slarti · 07/04/2017 13:53

It depends on how you feel about work/life balance.

I has a great work life balance! You've got to be taking the piss now

Slarti · 07/04/2017 13:58

*she has, not I has (although mine is pretty sweet TBF )

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 14:17

Why? I don't believe work always comes first

TedEriksen · 07/04/2017 14:19

Do none of you prefer someone around for chat and comfort when you are very ill???

Jesus Christ no! If I'm ill I want to be left the hell alone, not have someone wittering to me and checking up on me.

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 14:19

Now I'm confused. Yes she does - more than I could have dreamed of.

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 14:20

If i were 15 I'd have definitely wanted mum. Not now though no way

GloriaGilbert · 07/04/2017 14:23

It's to do with a principle that if you work, that's a more valid contribution.

To put a fine point on things, the OP is not really a SAHM, she's a lady of leisure. There's no other way to describe this arrangement when the child in question is 15.

I have no particular problem with ladies of leisure (I'd probably be considered one myself) but it's not a contribution.

GloriaGilbert · 07/04/2017 14:23

At 15 I would have wanted my mother around when vomiting, yes.

Slarti · 07/04/2017 14:33

Why? I don't believe work always comes first

Nor do I Zippy, which is why I have a good work life balance, but to use that phrase wrt the OP leaves me a bit You're beginning to sound like a WUM.

holidaysaregreat · 07/04/2017 15:01

zippy many of us would prefer for work to not come first. Perhaps OPs DH doesn't always want work to come first. He may like to be home chilling/hobbying while OP works long hours. Unfortunately in most households, unless you're retired, someone has to work longish hours to make ends meet. In some households, such as ours, both of us have to work longish hours. If I didn't pull my weight at work I'd be managed out. SAHPs do have it nice one the kids are in school & if it was so awful then they would go back to work.
OP seems to have accepted that she needed to stay home/compromise. Other people are getting really wound up the the idea that work has to come first over hobbies.

holidaysaregreat · 07/04/2017 15:02

I'm still wondering what the hobby is - perhaps flower arranging or something.

SingingSilver · 07/04/2017 15:42

I'm still wondering what the hobby is - perhaps flower arranging or something.

Why flower arranging? Because mostly women do that, which makes it fairly pointless and slightly comedic?

FairytalesAreBullshit · 07/04/2017 15:50

I was really ill growing up, my parents had to work, there wasn't the policies there is now, so I had to look after myself, unless I'd come out of hospital, then I'd possibly go to a Grandparents.

I remember being bad at school when I was 13, eventually got sent home, I went to my Grandparents, who gave me a bucket and a glass of water and tissues. Was pretty much left to it.

I've never needed or wanted mithering, if I don't feel well then I'll lie on the sofa covered in blankets, trying to sleep it off. If I want something and DH is about I can ask him, otherwise it's just me.

A few times they've known I needed to go to hospital, I tried to put it off as long as possible, at one point going blue in the face.

You'd be astounded what I deal with by myself, never asking for help or a hand hold. That's usually why I'm on at crazy o clock.

Original poster

AngelThursday · 07/04/2017 16:25

Wow I didn't expect this thread to go on so long!
To update you, DH went into work a bit later than usual yesterday and I just did the morning of my course so DS was on his own for a few hours. (He's better today btw)
Some stinging comments re my lifestyle and set up. Yes I suppose I do have it relatively easy but it's a big house and garden which take a lot of looking after. I also do all the weekday cooking and take pride in preparing fresh, healthy and balanced meals.
As I said before, dog walker, cleaner and gardener are all only once a week so there's still stuff to do.
My hobby is an art class; we learn a new technique every week which we are then expected to practise hence my reluctance to miss a week.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 07/04/2017 16:31

Sorry, but I think when you explain your decision not to work outside the home by saying you have to cook dinner, that's stretching it a bit. I take the point you have a large house, but you pay people to do stuff in it. (As I would, I should add.)

Slarti · 07/04/2017 17:55

My hobby is an art class; we learn a new technique every week which we are then expected to practise hence my reluctance to miss a week.

And while that's perfectly understandable it's just not reasonable to expect your DH and his employer to accommodate your hobby. It seems that leisure time in your house is weighted fairly well in your favour compared to your dh so I can imagine your reluctance to give any of it up and expectation of him to make up the shortfall felt pretty galling to him.

MaisyPops · 07/04/2017 18:43

You make the decision to become a SAHM and that means you can never request to have a planned day outside of being a SAHM. You must always put the needs of the breadwinner first because they put a roof over your head and you owe them for your lifestyle regardless of whether your SAH contributions over the years have allowed them to facilitate their career to the point that it's funding this nice lifestyle
Quick throw a pity part for SAHP.

Nobody is saying she CAN'T ever have a day away from the house or that the breadwinner can do whatever

What we ARE saying is that when a situation arisea that requires the SAHP to well parent, they cant reasonably expect the working parent to adjust work so the SAHP has "me time". Thats not how it works.

The OP wants to be a SAHP except others can run the house, 15 year old is out all day school, she has lots of hobby time and when she's called to actually do daytime childcare ahe's annoyed that she has to do it.

The OP has lots of domestic help and has loads of time doing hobbies etc. Its ridiculous to suggest she doesnt get time out of the house.

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