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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:
motherinferior · 07/04/2017 11:42

I don't think most teenagers have to be nagged to get up during school term and even those that do do not constitute a job.

I've got two teens. They don't like getting up but they do it.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 07/04/2017 11:55

TisMe I don't think it's resentment that life is as she has it, I feel it's more resentment that that she has this lifestyle, provided by DH. In his mind the one time her being a SAHP is beneficial, he's being asked to change his work arrangements, so she can attend what is essentially a hobby.

If you think about it, DH has a high paid job which in it's nature incurs a lot of stress. So for DW to say oh DS is ill, I have my hobby on a Thursday, can you shift your job about, he's going to go, hang on a minute, my salary pays for all these extras that allow you a pretty decent life, the one time you being a SAHP has benefits, i.e. You're there to look after DC who is ill. You want me to change all my plans, just so you can study a hobby. Are you being serious?

I think if you look at it from his angle, you would be Hmm as in your mind, throughout the time DW has been a SAHP, OK when he was younger it was more challenging. But in all reality he's been sick a few times, looks like a bug of sorts, surely he can be left alone a short while whilst you go off and do whatever.

Even if she had to do cleaning, dog walking, laundry, any working parent would surely say, I work my arse off so you don't have too. Are you being serious you want me to be there just in case.

As per the title AIBU to 'expect' DH to work from home. Not AIBU to suggest or ask. OP pretty much has it in her head that the course is more important than DH's work.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/04/2017 12:08

Even if you work for an employer, you are entitled to the odd day off . The same should apply to a sahm

Yeah, if you're looking after children at home all day, plus doing the domestic work.

OP does none of the above. What would she need a 'day off' from? Confused

Slarti · 07/04/2017 12:16

What does everyone have soooo against this woman having (we are assuming from the info we have) an easy life. Her DH earns enough and they obviously agreed to it.

Nobody has anything at all against her having an easy life. You just want that to be true because it would be unreasonable and therefore easy to attack (I think that's what they call a strawman). What they are against is her expectation that she can shirk her responsibility as SAHM the one time she's called upon to perform it, placing her own hobby above her sick DC and wanting everything to revolve around her without seeming to realise that it mostly already does. The one time she's told no she's spat her dummy out and run to MN for validation.

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 12:19

A day off from looking after a child who is throwing up perhaps?

I think the Dh just didn't want to deal with sick tbh

TedEriksen · 07/04/2017 12:22

A day off from looking after a child who is throwing up perhaps?

At the point of the OP he had been sick for one day.

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 12:25

Yes and she was asking for just one day too. Works both ways. Any other day, she'd have dealt with it as her 'job'

KoalaDownUnder · 07/04/2017 12:29

But she doesn't have a 'job'! Most days she has nothing to do that could be construed as work.

I think you are just wilfully refusing to get it, at this point.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 07/04/2017 12:45

Yes and she was asking for just one day too. Works both ways. Any other day, she'd have dealt with it as her 'job'

Looking after a 15 year old is not a job! If anything, her only job is to be the one around to deal with unusual situations such as this. She what she wants is the day off on her only day in work.

Amar1na · 07/04/2017 12:47

I've been a SAHM for many years though my 3 DC are all younger than 15. I've always had a cleaner 3 times a week. I could have had nannies etc too Gwen the DC were younger and I did use them for the odd half day sometimes, but tbh I never felt fully comfortable doing this.
I never asked DH to take time off for anything which is fair enough. What happens is though, as the years go by, you get into a pattern of never prioritising yourself. You actually forget how to do it. You forget the point of doing anything outside of the DH and the DC and what that feels like. My DH had to travel, spend half of Saturday, holidays and most evenings on calls, work mega hours and so on. The DC have their schedules, after school clubs, friendship dramas etc and your job is to fit around that and hold it all together.
Now my DC are all in school, I have loads of time in the day and a great life in general. However, while DH will often ring and say he's going out that night for whatever reason, I rarely go out evenings as its a hassle with the homework, dinner etc and finding a babysitter isn't always easy. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have fulfilled my career - would DH have fitted around me? I doubt it and there would have been a lot of angst over the years.
I do a lot of yoga and pilates and have ended up training as a Pilates teacher. No it's not mega bucks like his job, but it still looks crap if you don't show up to seminars and sessions. It lets other people down as well. When the DC get colds or bugs, it's often the case that they get symptoms one after the next, so I can end up having to take a fair bit of time off. As I said, I'm not resentful about my life at all, nothing is perfect and thrse are the decisions I /we took. However, the fact is, any job or activity I do now will never take priority. But it's still important to me. So I can understand how it's not totally unreasonable for the OP to ask the DH to maybe compromise for her "thing" once in a while.

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 12:57

No. I am not refusing to get it. I have a different opinions. The above post is excellent and sums up what many women who do not hold jobs equal to the men feel

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 07/04/2017 12:58

The above post has nothing at all to do with this situation, and I actually find it offensive to both SAHM of young children AND women who work out of the home to suggest it is.
It is offensive to compare us to women who quite simply do nothing, and expect to be treated as they are contributing as much as anyone else.

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:01

It's to do with a principle that if you work, that's a more valid contribution. I agree the help she gets sidetracks the issue but I assume Dh was ok with that

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:02

So really with the help she gets she can't ask anything of him at all can she even if it's a one off

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:05

And I have taken a day off for my husband's hobby and I have said when I can't . As long as it's not every week I'm fine with it and as long as he does the same for me when he can

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 07/04/2017 13:05

Yes, if you work and pay for everything, that is a more valid contribution than doing nothing at all, and also expecting the work to come second to your hobbies.

But that does not mean that those who actually work in the home are less valid than those who work outside of it.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/04/2017 13:07

It's to do with a principle that if you work, that's a more valid contribution.

Working and earning the money that enables the other partner to do almost no work (of any kind) is a more valid contribution to the household. How would it not be?

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:09

So you never take a day off to go out for the day? That is putting work second? Taking a day off for someone else's day out, yes, it's a big ask but occasionally is fine and I'm sure with op's contribution in the early years and supporting his career she deserves it now and then

Amar1na · 07/04/2017 13:11

Dingdong - these women who do "nothing" were the busy SAHMs not long ago,with babies and /or pre-school kids. But these DC grow up and change. What can happen is that the family's concept of the mother's role doesn't. They get used to you being there as default for everything - which is fair enough because you are. All I'm saying is that carving an identity for yourself once the "full-on" years pass is not always as easy as people think. Everyone has a right to feel valued anyway, what does income have to do with it? My eldest is just going into teens, so I'm not where the OP is yet, but why get angry about her situation?

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:13

Ok. So really she can't ask him for anything can she? Forever until she gets a job? Even though it was agreed there was no point in her working and, if she gets a job, it's going to low paid anyway so his job will come first forever won't it? I know I'd be unhappy with that setup. If my husband made me feel that way, I'd go and live on my own!

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 07/04/2017 13:14

She can as for whatever. She can't expect hobbies to come before work. The thing that pays for the hobbies.
Seriously, a five year old would understand that!

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:17

But sometimes I put my hobbies before work . Sometimes, to be nice, I've put my dhs too. It depends on how you feel about work/life balance. It's nothing to do with not getting it or being 'five.' People have differing views. Please respect that

Zippydoodah · 07/04/2017 13:18

That is what annual leave is for, flexible working etc. And, yes, sometimes you use annual leave/flexiblet working for someone else. I can think of loadsomething of examples

FritzDonovan · 07/04/2017 13:19

Yes, all those years of hobbies.
I think you've just shown how unreasonable your arguments are with that comment dingdong.
Oh, and I wasn't giving positive attributes to OP argument and negative to dh. Merely stating an alternative which had not been considered, but is valid. Shame OP didn't clarify.
Just like to clarify with those agreeing with dh's initial stance - if you're a sahp, does that mean you have never asked your DP to do anything for you which involved a slight change to their working day? At all? Really?
Well done, you're doing a great job of being a martyr to the cause Confused

larrygrylls · 07/04/2017 13:19

I think some SAHP forget the stress which comes with work. And you also cannot compare one child with three. I can see that looking after a busy household, even with help, can constitute a 'job'. However one teenage child is nothing!

Dingdong put it well above when she said the OP wants a day off when called upon to do a very rare day of work.