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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 05/04/2017 20:00

I don't understand his attitude. Will he be able to get just as much work done at home? You aren't asking him to take the day off, just to wfh, something which he regularly chooses to do if he has no meetings. And he has no meetings tomorrow. So where's the problem?

Emphasise · 05/04/2017 20:00

Thanks for the extra detail Op. I tend to agree with Dh on that basis

I wouldn't leave an ill 15yo for a hobby course. I might for something for work that couldn't be rearranged, but I'd feel bad about it - that's assuming this isn't a child who has a lot of minor/suspicious ailments requiring time off school.

honeylulu · 05/04/2017 20:01

Oh dear. Well as money seems no object book a sitter from sitters.com - if your son seems mortified them he probably doesn't need "looking after".

buttercup54321 · 05/04/2017 20:02

He is a big boy now,

honeylulu · 05/04/2017 20:05

I would generally agree that being a SAHM is your "job" and if you don't want to do it, it's for you to make other arrangements.

OTOH if your husband often works from home and could easily do so without encountering difficulty then I'm unclear what his problem is. Is he being a dog in the manger because he's jealous of all your time off? I am quite jealous myself

Your son really doesn't need looking after at 15 BTW.

Crispbutty · 05/04/2017 20:06

I agree with your husband. Your son is more than old enough to be left on his own.

And blimey, cleaner, gardener, no Ironing.. you must have plenty time to yourself!!

JaxingJump · 05/04/2017 20:06

Jeez, you guys are cold. Do none of you prefer someone around for chat and comfort when you are very ill??? Even just someone working elsewhere in the house?

Hercules12 · 05/04/2017 20:07

Surely if it's so important to the op then she should stay at home. Confused

JustHappy3 · 05/04/2017 20:16

I still think your course is less of a priority than his work.
But i take HUGE issue with his "you have it good.. you spend my money" mentality. No no no. Give him grief for that.
And i'm no spring chicken and it's just nice to have someone look after you when you're ill and it's crap when you're ill and home alone whether you're 15 or nearly 50.

titchy · 05/04/2017 20:17

Yes of course comfort and company is much preferred, but not at the expense of one person rearranging their working pattern to accommodate it!

Goingtobeawesome · 05/04/2017 20:18

Sounds like your dh could help but is choosing not too. Your son must feel so loved by him Hmm.

I'm a SAHM and on Monday DS1 needs to be somewhere. I can't take him unless it's 70 minutes early as I don't want to cancel my appointment. Dh has said he'll take him and be a little late for work. Normally I'd move things to accommodate my kids. Dh hasn't once said it's my job etc and never would.

YANBU.

andintothefire · 05/04/2017 20:23

I think YANBU for asking your DH if he minds staying at home. If he regularly does so, then it was worth asking if he could do it to be around for his DS.

However, there may be lots of reasons why your DH would prefer to go into work even if he doesn't have client meetings. He may feel he needs to limit the time he spends working from home. He may enjoy the company of colleagues or have work that he can do more effectively there. It is also a bit annoying to be asked to change plans last minute.

I'm a bit torn really. I wonder if some of the responses (and indeed your DH's response) may be as a result of the fact that it is unusual for somebody to be a SAHM with only a 15 year old (if you do indeed only have a 15 year old?), such a large amount of domestic help, and with time to pursue courses as a hobby. It is therefore difficult for people to relate to that situation, because you really are in a privileged position compared to most women who either work, volunteer a large amount of the time, or have younger children who they are running around after. Not a criticism, but just an explanation of why people may not be very sympathetic!

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/04/2017 20:29

With your update I agree with your dh. You have the life of riley. Either leave him on his own or stay home.

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/04/2017 20:32

The replies implying a sahm is always responsible for childcare are ridiculous.

If you work you can ring in sick. So wtf is a sahm never allowed off duty?

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/04/2017 20:33

I still agree with your DH.

He's 15yo. He doesn't need anyone to stay with him. If you don't want to leave him alone, the onus is on you to cancel your course.

If he was 5yo, I'd agree with you.

Original poster
AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 20:36

Ok so I guess Im BU
DH has said whilst he can wfh its more effective to be in the office where he can bounce ideas off his colkeagues and use the photocuper etc although I've noticed that when it suits him he's happy to Wfh
Yes we do have a good lifestyle and I'm grateful for that.
DS has never been left home alone. Neither of us like that idea. DH has agreed to go in a bit later tomorrow and I will do the morning only

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 05/04/2017 20:37

Why has he never been left home alone at 15yo?!

NapQueen · 05/04/2017 20:38

He is 15yo. And he has never been left home alone???

Emphasise · 05/04/2017 20:38

My DH can and does work from home as necessary but he is very aware that some people see it as taking the piss,so tries to restrict it to real necessities. He would stay home for DS if I had something at work that was difficult to change, but tbh I'd be embarrassed to ask for a hobby that his job was making possible.

I agree his attitude stinks if this is more than a one off but otoh I can see that working hard to give you this life of leisure and then being asked to cover your only "job" could lead to resentment.

Maybe a review of both your lifestyles and his work life balance is due now dc are older?

Crispbutty · 05/04/2017 20:41

You both need to start allowing your son independence. He's nearly an adult and should be capable of being at home on his own for a day.

oldbirdy · 05/04/2017 20:41

DS has never been left home alone?? My 15 year old is autistic and he's been alone for progressively longer periods since he was 8 or 9. He can make simple meals and look after himself and when he's ill I call to check all is well a couple of times a day. I think you need to let your DS grow up a bit!

Hercules12 · 05/04/2017 20:41

Why has he never been left? Apologies if he has sen.

NapQueen · 05/04/2017 20:43

OP please dont put free time in " " marks. You HAVE free time.

You do not work. You have a cleaner, a gardner, a dog walker, and a single 15yo child. You have no financial worries. You arguably DO have plenty free time.

Or certainly plenty of opportunity for free time if you allow your son the freedom that he rightly needs at this age.

Lugeeta · 05/04/2017 20:43

Yabvu to have never left a 15yo home alone ever! That is actually detrimental to him.

mygorgeousmilo · 05/04/2017 20:44

Why has he never been left alone?

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