To expect DH to look after ill son

[AngelThursday]

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

I have a job where I can work from home sometimes. However, it is frowned upon, I need approval from my manager and there has to be a good reason, bad weather, travel issues etc, or maybe a medical appointment in the middle of the day.

Childcare reasons is specifically banned because if you're looking after DCs you're not working. You could certainly argue that a 15 YO can be left for a few hours which would negate the reason for being at home as far as my employer is concerned.

my employer also requires all sorts of stuff like proper desks more regular home working. So while some people can easily and effectively work from home without getting a reputation for being difficult, it's not universally the case.

It is saddening to hear some of the views on this thread. You make the decision to become a SAHM and that means you can never request to have a planned day outside of being a SAHM. You must always put the needs of the breadwinner first because they put a roof over your head and you owe them for your lifestyle regardless of whether your SAH contributions over the years have allowed them to facilitate their career to the point that it's funding this nice lifestyle. If very few woman themselves see being a SAHM as being on par with the breadwinner then respect and equality is a long way off

So why is there no give from the OP? Why does her hobby come before being a SAHM?
FFS! It's once instance, weighed against the rest of the week/years OP has stayed at home. Of course we don't have all the details (if it has happened before, if it's difficult for dh to arrange, etc) and can only make a judgement on what OP states. But for all intents and purposes, this is one instance! I think OP 'gives' by accommodating what sounds like a pretty full on work schedule, if it means that what most ppl would class as 'hobby time' ie evenings and weekends is taken up as well. (not defending cleaner,etc, but that is a different matter)
bakingaddict exactly.

I've been on the other side of a similar situation. When my youngest son was born I was earning much more than my exh, so we decided together that he would leave work and take on the majority of parenting duties during the day. (Bit different as I worked from home.) Unfortunately, he seemed to forget that was the agreement fairly quickly and by the time my son was 3, he spent 5 days a week at his hobby (his friends used to joke he must be retired) while I looked after DCs and worked 90 hours a week. It wasn't unusual for me to have to break off from a meeting or telephone call to go meet my son from the school bus, because exh just hadn't bothered to appear. In his mind, his hobby became more important than anything else. His attitude was, you can earn much more than me, so what is the point in me bothering. Needless to say, this is one of the reasons he is now an ex.

I realise mine is an extreme example, and I'm not for one minute suggesting you put your hobby/leisure before your ds in this way, but I agree with PP that maybe this situation is telling you it's time to have a conversation with your husband about when you will be going back to work. Just because you can afford not to doesn't mean you shouldn't. Perhaps he would like more time to take courses, pursue his hobby or attend classes too? Or just to feel that the responsibility for supporting the family financially is being shared a bit more. (While I didn't mind supporting the family, I did become resentful of the fact that my exh was spending £1000s every year on his hobby.) You DHs behaviour suggests he might not be totally happy with the current arrangement, which, after all, was agreed when your son was very young and needed much more care.

bakingaddict It is saddening to hear some of the views on this thread. You make the decision to become a SAHM and that means you can never request to have a planned day outside of being a SAHM.

While your view would be valid of a SAHM who is caring for young or several children this is a different situation.

The OP has a 15 year old who is at school most days. She has a cleaner, ironer, gardener, even a dog walker, so her time is pretty much her own.
I would even hesitate to call her a SAHM- she is a "lady who lunches".

And she wants her OH to drop his work ( which pays for her easy lifestyle) because her 15 year old is sick and she wants to swan off to her hobby. She has hundreds of days a year in which to do her own thing.

I agree with the posters who would call her a cocklodger if she were male.

Baking,

Feminism never was and should not be about the right to be a kept woman in perpetuam. A stay at home parent is a temporary role for a few years, especially with a single child.

Why on earth should one parent take all the stresses in a marriage in order to let the other live a relaxed life in the lap of luxury?

The self-justifications of the gym-going latte sipping class (while their mInly female cleaners/housekeepers/dog walkers/nannies) do all the actual work is beyond farcical.

skerrywind did you read the bit about dog walker once a week while at course, ironer just does dh shirts, cleaner/gardener once a week? I wouldn't say her time is ALL her own.... (still, it's more than mine )

FFS! It's once instance, weighed against the rest of the week/years OP has stayed at home

Yes, all those years of hobbies.

You're not a SAHM when your "child" is almost an adult.

fritz- yes I did read that.

As I say, her time is pretty much her own.

Is it just me or does anyone else not like the term, Cocklodger ? Lots of men stay at home for valid reasons just like women. Just shows a man being at home is still more frowned upon

Barbara exactly. Every time there isa tthread on MN about someone WFH being expected to provide childcare everyone is very quick to point out that working from home is still WORKING - many jobs explicitly state that you cannot use childcare as a reason for WFH as this would mean you were not concentrating on your work.

If the son is genuinely so ill that he needs care, someone working cannot provide that. And it is totally unreasonable to expect it.

But if the person at home is not making much of a contribution to the family, it's not really fair on the WOHP, whether that person is a man or a woman.

No one frowns on a man who stays at home to take care of small children, clean the house, goes shopping, manages finances, does the garden etc etc. In fact, they probably get seen in higher esteem than SAHMs because they are putting up with all the domestic shitwork, when women are just expected to get on with it.

But the OP is doing little in the way of house cleaning, gardening and childcare, and what she does do probably takes an hour or two each day at most. So when looking at it from an 'equal leisure time' point of view, she is a long way in front of her DH with his long working hours.

What if the DH wanted to take a less stressful lower paid job, or work part time? Because the OP has presumably not worked for over 15 years, she is going to have a harder time getting back into the workplace than if she had got into part time work when DS started school.

many jobs explicitly state that you cannot use childcare as a reason for WFH as this would mean you were not concentrating on your work.

In my line of work you would not be able to request working from home on a regular (say as part of an agreed working pattern) if the reason for doing this is childcare. If it's on an occasional or one-off basis then it's basically at your line manager's discretion, but most will say 'no'.

I've worked for one manager who would not allow WFH to look after a child, and one who would - I have to say, not allowing it is best for all concerned! If you have a child to look after and work to do, you can't do either of them properly. And by 8pm you are absolutely knackered.... ;)

Reading further up, that was the agreement, as was never leaving the 15 year old alone (!), which is a bit odd. It is not as if he asked her to work and she said no. He did not want her to work because his hours are long.

I guess she could work now and maybe secretly he wants to take a step back but if it's high paid and highly regarded, it's hard to climb down the ladder. That is only a guses on my part though.

I work part time. Have done since youngest was 1 but because I work round school and Dh, it doesn't put me at an advantage as there is no progression which is common in many jobs that fit around kids so my point is she's probably no more or less at a disadvantage than most - except those who've got proper high powered careers

What does everyone have soooo against this woman having (we are assuming from the info we have) an easy life. Her DH earns enough and they obviously agreed to it.

People on here are just bitter and want her to pay for her nice life. The best they can come up with is calling her a cocklodger and selfish for asking her DH for a favour in unusual circumstances.

This

To me it's simple as I'm assuming it's not something DC makes a habit of doing, so the OH, male/female is thinking, well in all fairness the SAHP has been able to do what they wish during the periods when DC wasn't at home. The one time it's deemed care is needed it clashes with a hobby, either go to the hobby, prep DC and keep your phone on vibrate and go, or choose to stay at home. As the working party you'd be miffed if you had to change your plans, when the whole point of OH being a SAHP is they're on hand if anything is needed.

I agree it's crap having to miss a session if DC is just that ill. But to me the role of a SAHP is to be there, should DC need them. I'm sure in the holidays DC is left the their own devices at that age. I guess I would be more sympathetic if OP was bogged down with chores, maybe not posting all the help she gets would have swung things into, it's your one escape DH should be more reasonable, I don't know.

It's a really tricky situation as we don't know what DH had planned at work yesterday, what extra stuff he can do in work verses home. Say he's an accountant, it's year end so you'd be really busy. If you were a project manager maybe you were collating all relevant details, so needed to speak to subordinates. As we're not psychic we'll never know.

Jaxing and Zippy,

'Her DH earns enough and they obviously agreed to it.'

This idea that if something is agreed to, that it lasts forever, regardless of its fairness, is a recipe for unhappy relationships and, ultimately, a messy divorce. If a SAHM agrees to do all the home and childcare and then the husband retires, can he just swan about doing absolutely nothing 'because she agreed to it'?

Equally, if that is what they agreed, SHE AGREED TO BE THE STAY AT HOME PARENT! That means, on the odd occasion when parenting is still required at home, she needs to step up to the plate and do it.

It seems from this thread that she wants to have her cake and eat it.

When a parent becomes a SAHP one of the reasons presumably is that there is a benefit of flexibility for the family.

So unexpected happenings/kids ill/washing machine repair man coming can be catered for without the working partner having to take time off work.
The upside of that flexibility is that especially when kids get older is that at SAHP has lots of free time, but still should be the one who has to jump in without much notice.

My youngest is 16. I work from home, part time. My OH works full time.
I very much see it as my job to arrange delivery men/ care for sick kids/ take them to dentist etc, especially as I get so much free time through the week.

FFS! It's once instance, weighed against the rest of the week/years OP has stayed at home. Of course we don't have all the details (if it has happened before, if it's difficult for dh to arrange, etc) and can only make a judgement on what OP states. But for all intents and purposes, this is one instance!

Hang on, she doesn't want to look after ds and go to her course, he doesn't want to look after ds and go to work. Why is it Ok to say there's no give and take from him but with her it's "just this one instance"? Sexism is why." We don't have all the details" so you have filled in the gaps positively for her and negatively for him.

You make the decision to become a SAHM and that means you can never request to have a planned day outside of being a SAHM.

Who said that baking? Oh, nobody did. We could just as easily say that according to your views the husband isn't ever allowed to refuse his wife's demands requests.

Generally I do as I'm part time so it is easier but there is the odd occasion where I can't in which case Dh steps up.

Even if you work for an employer, you are entitled to the odd day off . The same should apply to a sahm.

If the job of a sahm is to look after a home and children, then if she can't do the job on occasion, someone has to cover them just as a colleague does when you're off from your paid work. The Dh would be the colleague in this case and it doesn't sound as if it happens too often anyway and, at 15, it's highly unlikely he's going to need much support for long now.

I really don't see the problem unless it's every week.

Op Has your DH asked about you returning to work? He seems resentful (not surprising)

The OP could sort herself out with at least 2 or 3 completely off days every week should she wish to do so.

Cleaning doesn't need doing every day, neither does much else if you organise yourself properly with regard to food shopping, cooking, bill paying etc. Couple of days fully engaged in residual cleaning, washing, meal planning, batch cooking, food shopping and errand running and what's left? Taking the dog for a walk?

I doubt that the 15 YO actually needs much input if he was allowed to act like the near adult that he is - it's not that long ago that he would have been going out to work and I doubt that an employer would have expected to take over a parental role in those days.

He should certainly be able to get up, sort breakfast and a packed lunch, get washed and dressed and take himself to school with the correct equipment providing that it is nearby or there is a bus and do his homework without being actively parented every step of the way.

Should bu knowing most teenagers, they require a bit of nagging and several attempts to get them out of bed

I'm not sure a teenager who needs to be nagged to get out of bed justifies having a SAHP! Besides if you work "standard" type hours you are probably getting up at the same time as your teen anyway.