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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:
DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 17:12

at no major cost or imposition to her DH

Again, that you know of. There could be any number of perfectly good reasons.
The main one being that she is taking the piss. You seem to think "pre booked course" is some kind of shibboleth here?

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 17:20

All the info we have is that it is of no major cost or imposition to her DH.

As for the course, if she enjoys it or really wants to be there, surely that is enough reason for her DH to help her out....even if she has a relatively easy home life as a SAHM. You call it taking the piss, I call it not wanting to miss something she really wants to do.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 17:26

You don't have any info either way.
As we have already seen, you're just making shit up.

Oh he should not go to work because she enjoys her hobby? Gosh, who knew? I've always wanted to do ballet, I'll just tell OH he needs to wfh once a week so I can follow my dream.....

People do talk some horsehit on here. It's hilarious.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 17:34

Dingdong, indignant much?

If your DH could work from home and your kids would not be affecting his ability to work then maybe your ballet dreams can be more than just dreams. Talk to him and see if you guys can work something out.😉

Slarti · 06/04/2017 17:57

jaxing you only seem to be applying your reasoning in one direction. It's unreasonable for a co-parent to not look after a sick child, but only when that co parent is the dh. It's no major cost to him, but somehow it is to her. Wanting something should be reason enough to be accommodated, but not the DH's wants. I could go on. If he is unreasonable for any of those reasons then she is unreasonable for the same reasons, just moreso.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 18:34

The difference is that the OP is looking for a favour in an unusual situation. I would do it for my DH and he would for me in these circumstances if it were any way possible.

Slarti · 06/04/2017 18:45

The difference is that the OP is looking for a favour in an unusual situation

Yes, it would seem that doing some SAHPing is indeed unusual for the OP. Every week she goes to her course and most days the DS will be at school, but the one time he's ill she wants to stop being a "SAHM".

ApplePaltrow21 · 06/04/2017 18:55

Get a live-in nanny, OP. Your poor DS is only 15. He's needs more supervision.

helensburgh · 06/04/2017 18:57

Late to the party here.

But how many people saying they'd leave a 15 year old home all day I'll actually have done so or indeed have a 15 year old?

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 19:00

You see Slarti and Apple, it's your sneering and obvious issue with this posters nice (assumed) easy life that is the problem for me.

titchy · 06/04/2017 19:06

helen

Well I certainly have, and from a younger age. I don't think that's remotely negligent tbh.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 19:52

But how many people saying they'd leave a 15 year old home all day I'll actually have done so or indeed have a 15 year old?

I do and have. Do I win something?

MaisyPops · 06/04/2017 19:58

The main part of being a SAHP is that youre there if kids are unwell etc.
Either leave DC for a few hours and do part of the day, leave them all day but call in, or miss the the day and just catch up like the rest of the world does.

Sounds like OP has a custy lifestyle which is all very nice but to have a full time me time lifestyle and then expect tje person who finances it all to shift their work schedule to fit around your hobby is a bit ridiculous. Like "ill stay at home and run it with the help of lots of domestic help whcih you also pay for darling but i also expect my hobby to come above your work and cry how unfair it is when i ACTUALLY have to do some stay at home parenting'

I wonder if part of the reason the DH has been awkward about it is because part of him doesnt see why he should given he finances everything so OP can spend money getting other people to run the house and swoosh about hobbying

Slarti · 06/04/2017 20:00

jax its not her nice life I'm sneering at (nice assumption about my own life, BTW) its the fact it's made her spoilt. To "expect" (not ask a favour of someone, but to expect them to do as you bid) her dh to rearrange work so that her already capacious leisure time isn't reduced by parenting.

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 20:03

This thread is sexist

MaisyPops · 06/04/2017 20:24

This thread is sexist

Ok I'll bite. It's not
Partner A works full time
Parter B stays at home to 'run the home and be a SAHP'
Partner B uses money A earns to finance a nice lifestyle, including domestic help to fund their hobbies
Child is ill and close to school leaving age
Partner B says "A i want to do my hobby. You need to rearrange your work schedule to suit my desire for me time"

Partner B would be unreasonable. They chose to be the SAHP.

The sex of the people doesn't make a difference in the slightest.

bakingaddict · 06/04/2017 20:27

I going to buck the trend and say your DH is being a belligerent dick. If it's possible for him to work from home then I don't see why he couldn't do this. It seems like he wants to show you he's the one in control and can dictate what you can and can't do.

Sure he funds the lifestyle but it must have been mutually agreed between them both and arguably in his favour to enhance his career. Just because she is a SAHM doesn't mean she can't ever have a day for herself or commit to a prior engagement regardless of how much paid help she has.

larrygrylls · 06/04/2017 20:40

Baking,

She gets EVERY schoolday to herself plus a lot of the holidays. Meanwhile her husband works damn hard to keep her in style.

I thought the standard was EQUAL spare time but she gets 10x more than him. Yet she has to miss one day of a course for a hobby and suddenly he is a selfish arse for not being prepared to rearrange his work (rather than the OP rearranging her hobby).

If this is not a reverse, it is a complete piss take.

pickleypockley · 06/04/2017 20:40

Sorry I agree a 15 year old could stay home also and from your last comment you sound a bit like a spoilt brat. Yabu

FairytalesAreBullshit · 06/04/2017 20:42

When I was younger we'd get home and I'd be in charge of the younger children, doing cooking, washing etc. That was from sat 13/14.

So I think a 15 year old could watch over themselves, hopefully, it's a 24 hour thing so he'll be better.

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 20:43

It is. Dh is playing the big man, I work, I pay the bills so I'm not going to bend even though I easily could. You don't work so you are not entitled to any support at home, with the children or with anything else that is important to you. You are nothing because you don't earn.

The only way not to be treated like this is to have always worked full time and earn the same money.

The men like this have it easy. They basically have a domestic assistant at home at their beck and call while they further their earning potential. The ones who've stayed at home have enabled this good salary and also given him an easy life for when he gets home where he gets to do nothing and call all the shots. If the woman dares to ask for anything, it's met with short shrift.

There are other things that are important apart from money, including family and free time and education

She is his wife, a human being, not a slave to the home and children.

This is why it's sexist

Pop this post in feminism where it'll get a different reception

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 20:51

I'm with you Zippy. Everyone seems to think he has bought his wife so she owes him and can't expect him to help out when something unusual happens (even if it's not causing him major difficulty). Her prearranged plan means nothing to her husband as he obviously thinks it's her problem and the kid is her responsibility.

larrygrylls · 06/04/2017 20:56

A guy in her position (sahp of 1 teenage child) would be termed a cocklodger. She has everything done for her and can focus on self improvement and fun.

And when she is actually called upon to do some actual parenting......gasp....she tries to opt out.

This thread is indeed sexist but not in the way implied.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 20:57

It's quite an assumption that the OP doesn't actually parent every day.

KateDaniels2 · 06/04/2017 20:57

The child is 15 and dorsnt need anyone at home. No support is needed. The Op just wants it.

The staff are the domestic assistants