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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 06/04/2017 20:58

Jaxing,

Your entire previous post is informed by your assumptions.

Slarti · 06/04/2017 21:00

If it's possible for him to work from home then I don't see why he couldn't do this. It seems like he wants to show you he's the one in control and can dictate what you can and can't do.

But it's possible for her to look after her ds too. She just doesn't want to because she wants to go to her hobby instead. Why isn't she a dick? Perhaps he does want to "show her who's in control" - of his work life, and that he won't be dictated to about what he can and can't do to suit his wife's hobbies.

Just because she is a SAHM doesn't mean she can't ever have a day for herself or commit to a prior engagement regardless of how much paid help she has.

Can't ever have a day to herself?? Are we talking about the same person? She appears to have every day to herself, and the first time this is threatened she wants someone else to do her SAHPing for her. And as for prior engagement, does work not count?

MaisyPops · 06/04/2017 21:00

Pop this post in feminism where it'll get a different reception

I am a feminist. And i would say exactly the same if a woman was working and a man expected his wife to rearrange her wokr patterns so he could go on a football course.

Its not about having bought a woman and her being chained to the house. Its about having an agreement that one partner is working and the other is a SAHP. Putting daytime hobbies on one side when SAHP duties call is part of the territory.

I used to have the ability to work from home. Buy reality was I didnt get as much done, people i couls do with floating ideas past werent around etc. Id have been better in the office. If DH had expected me to alter my work patterns because he wanted to go cycling I wouldnt be happy.

And of course theres the obvious thing that a 15 year old is more than capable of sorting themselves out for a few hours so this is a totally non-issue. The OP is just being dramatic.

Slarti · 06/04/2017 21:19

You don't work so you are not entitled to any support at home

Apart from the cleaner, the ironer, the gardener, the dog walker... Yes it's "men like these who have it easy". Work is a right piece of piss. They should try having a hobby once in a while and then they'll realise how hard done to the OP is!

MaisyPops · 06/04/2017 21:23

Exactly Siarti.

Why do people think its unreasonable for the DH to want to run a normal day's work as if its reasonable to mess his working pattern but unreasonable for the OP to miss a hobby class?

skerrywind · 06/04/2017 21:47

I'm with the OH here.
And the son.

My kids have been happy to be left alone from 13+, but when they are ill I like to show some compassion and give comfort.
So I would stay home.

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 21:53

It really depends what it is. If it's something I paid for or something I was studying it would really piss me off to be told he couldn't when, really it was because he wouldn't because he wanted to make the point that he comes first, as the breadwinner. If that's the case, I never could win, could I, and am on 24/7 call til the day I die. I would find that stifling, personally.

On the flip side, I would be the one who has given up a career, undergone sleepiness nights, potty training, school plays. Yes, he is largely independent now but, at times like this, you remember he is still a child and still needs his parents at times. Both parents, not just Mum.

What value does her 15 years of child rearing hold if this is the attitude? This is just as much a contribution to the house hold as money and this is why, when people get divorced, the woman still gets paid off because while she could have been earning, she was taking care of the family. It is a fact recognised in law

MaisyPops · 06/04/2017 21:58

My kids have been happy to be left alone from 13+, but when they are ill I like to show some compassion and give comfort.
So I would stay home.
So the OP should stay home with her child.

If the DH is being told to work from home then he has work to so. Its not some jolly of 'ih ill just say ik working from home and do half what i should'.

Lovewineandchocs · 06/04/2017 22:03

OP I'm glad you and your DH worked out a solution. Hope today went ok and that your DS is feeling better.

SingingSilver · 06/04/2017 22:11

I think the fact that the 15 year old could stay home alone is irrelevant, once you hear the DHs remarks. He sounds like his child is nothing at all to do with him, and that is problematic.

Slarti · 06/04/2017 22:16

Zippy are you talking about your own experiences rather than the OP's? All this talk of not being entitled to any me time and being a domestic slave and the dh doing nothing at home while "I'm on 24/7 call" is at odds with everything the OP has actually written. Do you think maybe you are protecting your own bad experiences onto this?

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 22:19

It is. Dh is playing the big man, I work, I pay the bills so I'm not going to bend even though I easily could. You don't work so you are not entitled to any support at home, with the children or with anything else that is important to you. You are nothing because you don't earn

FFS get a hold of yourself! You've lost the plot entirely. She has ALL the support.

What planet are some of you on? Woman should get everything, man always wrong, being a SAHM to a 15 year old with extra help is the hardest job of all......lunatics.

OnionKnight · 06/04/2017 22:24

This thread is amazing but for all the wrong reasons.

YABU OP for reasons that nearly everyone else has said.

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:24

No. I know it's how a lot of women feel and reflects in the op . It's very common.

And there isn't a good enough reason not to help. He regularly works from home when it suits him when he hasn't got meetings - like today, in fact. He's not prepared to pick up the slack because that is 'her job as the sahp'

I think this thread on a women's site is very indicative that we have far to go in getting respect as women - especially if we take time out to rear a family, often a mutual decision and very convenient to the men too.

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:25

Get a hold of myself? Um thanks. She doesn't have all the support today does she even though she could

OwlOfBrown · 06/04/2017 22:32

But how many people saying they'd leave a 15 year old home all day I'll actually have done so or indeed have a 15 year old?

Me, as I said earlier at 14:04, although he's actually 13, not 15.

skerrywind · 06/04/2017 22:33

I wouldn't leave a sick 15 year old alone all day to go and do a hobby.

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:36

It's not clear if it is a hobby. She said a course. Sounds educational to me

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:37

Then again I wouldn't leave a sick 15 year old to work either, which is what the Dh is doing while she's studying or whatever

skerrywind · 06/04/2017 22:38

My course is to further my interest in a hobby so arguably for my own pleasure

It's a hobby.

OwlOfBrown · 06/04/2017 22:43

Then again I wouldn't leave a sick 15 year old to work either

But Zippydoodah, that's easy to say if you're not the person responsible for keeping a roof over your family's head and food on the table.

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2017 22:44

This thread is sexist. If the sexes were reversed the cries of "cocklodger" and "ltb" would be deafening.

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:44

I am partly because I work but I've taken days off where necessary and to support dh

Slarti · 06/04/2017 22:45

Zippy it seems as though you haven't read the OP's posts and then added a load of your own made up stuff on the absence of facts. Are you sure this isn't coming from a personal bias?

Zippydoodah · 06/04/2017 22:46

But they both decided it would be better if she didn't work because of his long hours and the fact that it was stressful so she doesn't owe him anything really if that's what he wanted.