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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/04/2017 13:04

'I think SAHM to one 15 year old is a pretty cushy set up tbh. And that's fine, if that works for you and your dh. But I think its taking the piss a bit to expect the main wage earner to change his work arrangements to facilitate a hobby, esp if the reason is to look after a 15 year old.'

Agree with this, esp with all the domestic help you have. It does come across a little as if you want all the benefits of his high-earming work but none of the downsides.

I know my dh would do this for me if we were in your and your dh's position, but I wouldn't dream of actually asking him.

I have a hobby. I love it, it makes me feel alive, I am bloody good at it. But it comes a firm and distant second to family life and work - both mine and dh's.

(And have you really never left your ds home alone???)

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 13:04

Are you the OP, sock puppeting? If not, you really have zero idea why OP's husband declined, do you? You are projecting. And probably wrongly.

I'm not bitter. It's hardly a life style to envy, after all. Babying a teen because your life is so empty? Hobbies when you could be working, or volunteering, or studying. No thank you!

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 06/04/2017 13:06

YABU. It's a hobby and your DH's work patterns shouldn't have to be planned around it. If you aren't cleaning, ironing, gardening, or otherwise working and you DS aside from being sick for a day or two hardly needs his hand holding 90% of the time it should give you plenty of time to catch up on your missed hobby for a day.

First world problem very easily solved by just getting on with it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/04/2017 13:10

Can the cleaner/dog walker/gardener/ironer not keep an eye on DS?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 06/04/2017 13:12

He's 15! He'll be fine, a couple of years and he could be off to uni, you need to cut the apron ties.

Also yabu - work>hobbies

BarbaraofSeville · 06/04/2017 13:16

Indeed, if he's never been left and presumably has everything done for him by Mummy/staff how is he going to cope at university or when he leaves home, or simply getting to work/college by himself every day?

I can see the OP coming back in 10 years time describing herself as a SAHM to a 25 YO, who won't have left home as he's no idea how to look after himself and expecting her DH to WFH so she can leave the house for a few hours.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/04/2017 13:17

Jesus at 15 I was a mum and living on my own Confused

holidaysaregreat · 06/04/2017 13:30

Agree with posters saying that with all the help at home cleaner/dog walker etc.. and kids usually in school there isn't much left to do to run the home.
OP is happy to take the good things out of the relationship such as good wage, nice lifestyle but doesn't actually want to be tied down.
When does the OH get time to relax and switch off? Wfh is not a day off. It should be up to him when he wfh or goes to office during his working hours. He may want to save his wfh days to days that suit his workload. He probably thinks he is doing a lot to support OP already by providing a nice life for her.
If the tables were turned then the replies would be so different.
I am slightly envious of the cleaner if I am honest as work longish hours term time and would love a cleaner! Can't afford one even with us both working. I'm not so jealous of someone having not much to do as I think I would get bored.

QueenArseClangers · 06/04/2017 13:42

Oh how you'be made me chuckle OP.
What a joker you are to pretend your 15 year old son has never been alone in his own home!

BarbaraofSeville · 06/04/2017 13:44

Maybe there's a typo in the OP and he's actually 5, which would make a lot more sense.

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2017 13:46

When you are a SAHP looking after sick children is one of the core parts of your job. As is ensuring there's food in and clean clothes available. If the hoovering doesn't get done, or not everything's ironed or the lawn is sometimes overgrown well fair enough, you can't do everything, always. But you don't get to opt out of looking after a sick child if they need it

arbrighton · 06/04/2017 13:47

  1. he's being sick today, doesn't mean he will be tomorrow

  2. he's 15, he'll be fine for a few hours. At that age, mum wouldn't have worked from home for us being off sick

  3. husband BabitU yes but you are too

arbrighton · 06/04/2017 13:48

So teenage kids (out at school), have cleaner, ironing done for you, gardener and dog walker.

What the hell do you do staying at home all day???

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 13:49

Hobbies, apparently. And yet he's the unreasonable one for not accomodating yet more!

OwlOfBrown · 06/04/2017 14:04

DS just needs someone in the house

I think there's confusion between 'need' and 'want' here. At 15 he can manage by himself. How long is this course? All day or a couple of hours. If he is really ill enough to actually need someone to be with him and not to be left alone, then he's seriously ill and your course needs to be shelved for this week.

I left my 13 year old at home feeling poorly all day a few weeks ago whilst DH and I swanned off to work. He was fine and did what all poorly teenagers need to do - lounge on the sofa playing games on the phone and tablet, and forage in the kitchen when he was hungry.

Megatherium · 06/04/2017 14:09

Can you just get a neighbour to look in on your son from time to time, or be on call if he has any problems?

arbrighton · 06/04/2017 15:10

He's 15 and has a vomiting bug, he doesn't need checking on for the course of however many hours mummy is swanning off to her hobby

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 15:15

....'Mummy is swanning off'....

The contempt for the OP for having a financially comfortable life is breath taking,

holidaysaregreat · 06/04/2017 15:47

jaxing I don't think people are bothered about that. I think people just feel that if you are SAHP then you are by default the one responsible for kids illnesses etc..
An employer might be understanding if DH was a single parent, or had a genuine reason to need to wfh to look after a sick child. But the wife pursuing a hobby doesn't take priority over work commitments.
It's not unreasonable for someone to have a lovely life and to ask DH if he minds, but then they should equally be gracious if he says that no he can't change his working plan.
I honestly think if this was the other way round you would all be incredulous and say he was a piss taker.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 15:49

So SAHP never ask their partners for a favour when something like this arises? For a prbook and prepaid course??

In my circle of friends and family it would be totally normal assuming the father could work from home.

Dollygirl27 · 06/04/2017 15:52

I'm feeling terribly hard done to remembering my parents going on holiday for a week when I was 15/16 leaving me and my older brother (17 at the time) to fend for ourselves when I had severe tonsillitis and my gran popping in once a day to check I was ok (and that the house was still standing lol).

OP sounds terribly precious he's 15 and will be more than capable of looking after himself for a few hours (I'm chuckling that he's never been left alone).

A sahp to me means you're at home with dh is at work that's your 'job' for want of a better term. It would be different if an evening or weekend and he didn't want to give up his hobby but let's face it you really don't have any formal work to do and you freely admit it's a hobby that will be interrupted. I work shifts which results in lots of time off even with cleaning, washing, dog walking and general house stuff (I don't iron though) I still run out of stuff to do so can't help but wonder what op does with her time... I could use some tips!

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 15:53

So SAHP never ask their partners for a favour when something like this arises? For a prbook and prepaid course??

For babysitting a 15 year old? No, of course they don't. And if they do they ask, they don't demand. Work comes before hobbies, which don't pay the many many bills.....

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 15:54

The contempt for the OP for having a financially comfortable life is breath taking

There is no contempt for that. Nobody cares what her set up is.

SapphireStrange · 06/04/2017 15:57

Nobody cares what her set up is.

Grin

Are you actually taking the piss? Saying that she's 'swanning off'. Being apoplectic at the fact that, due to her family's finances, she has spare time. Repeated mentions of all the help she has at home.

Too funny.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 16:00

Nobody is apopleptic, don't be so bloody dramatic.

Nobody cares if you think you have it all. But if you do and then whine about not getting even more, people are going to tell you to wind your neck in.

But don't kid yourself anyone actually gives a shit. This is all just words on a screen and we're all just bored women wasting time. Knock off the dramatisations, its tedious.