To expect DH to look after ill son

[AngelThursday]

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

He doesn't need someone to stay with him, for sure.

HOWEVER ... that "your job is to stay at home and I don't want to have to lift a finger at all to help or reorganise my life to help you out" is revolting.

He's showing you exactly how important you are in his world.

Your decision to stay at home killed your ability to have any other things to do that weren't serving him or making his life possible or easier...

You facilitated his success. You did.

Respect where respect is due.

And who cares if you have all these people doing things, that's irrelevant, this About how you are being perceived and treated by him.

I'd be mortified if my other half Spoke to me like that. It's so belittling and humiliating

LOL this is a very strange set up, a 15 year old who can't be left on his own and a 'SAHM' who does, um..... what all day? Hobbies?

You've never left him home alone? What are you going to do in 3 years' time if he wants to head for Uni? Let him to be one of those poor freshers who literally cannot cope because they have been infantilised and babied their entire lives? He's 15, not 5!

It sounds like you both need to sit down and ensure that you both feel valued. His attitude towards your role is grim and if he's unhappy about it, he needs to say.

I think you do need to see your 15 year old as a growing young man though. You won't be doing him any favours by babying him.

I wouldn't leave my 15yo if he was ill, but he's certainly used to being home alone, as is 13yo. Do you mean he hadn't been left when ill?

He's old enough to join the army or get married in less than a year!

Oh Hissy you have made me laugh! How do we know that choosing to stay at home meant serving only him? The OP is hardly having a tough time. I'm the bread winner with my husband being a stay at home dad which works for us but if he asked me to rearrange my day so that he could enjoy his leisure time it would be a flat no - sorry.

Well this took a very weird turn didn't it? A 15 year old who has never been left home alone?! That's not precious that's entirely detrimental to his life. Obviously this is with the caveat that he does not have sen that prevent this but since OP has not said that I'm assuming it's not the case.

Work trumps hobby wrt the other part of this, although it does sound like there are generally some quite unhealthy attitudes towards each others value in this family.

Oh Hissy you have made me laugh! How do we know that choosing to stay at home meant serving only him?

have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.

It's a course she does that's hard to catch up if she misses it

Just because they have money she has to stfu?

It's not about hobbies, or gardeners or whatever, it's about his attitude and how he values her. That's the underlying emotion I get from this thread.
She's rearranging her activity, so ds isn't alone, but it's what he's said that has cut to the quick

He's not prepared to do a share of parenting to help her out when she has something she has signed up for and has a commitment to.

Does her activity have to pass a certain bar of importance to him? To her it has an importance.

He said "it's your job to stay home and why should I rearrange my job/work just to please you?"

That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

My other half is more accomplished than this dh sounds to be tbh, and I know even now if I asked him to help me (definitely not minted, not living together as yet) and have my ds (not his) for me as a one off, he would.

The boy doesn't need babysitting, he's never been left alone. In 15 years. As odd as that is, it's not the issues, it's the attitude of his dad towards his mother that is damaging- what's the ds learning from this?

My ds is super independent and happy to be left, but appropriately for his age. It's part of raising a young man in my opinion.

Hissy
The boy doesn't need babysitting, he's never been left alone. In 15 years. As odd as that is, it's not the issues, it's the attitude of his dad towards his mother that is damaging- what's the ds learning from this?

Completely disagree. the child coddling thing is way more damaging. This 15 year old has NEVER BEEN HOME ALONE. Not even for a few hours! That's way crazier than the fairly generic set up of a wealthy SAHM and workaholic husband.

OP is completely spoiled and seems totally out of touch with reality.

It is odd, like I said, very odd, but I know all kids are different

My ds is constantly asking me if I'm going out, he relishes time alone, other friends of his wouldn't want their mum to leave them and pop to the shops.

Ok they're younger and ok I do look a bit like at them when I hear the kids won't be left, but each to their own. I'm a lone parent so I don't have a life at all if I don't carve one.

My thinking is (and of course we may never know the answer to this) that the reason he's not been left alone is either that it's just not happened, or op has made herself permanently available, a martyr perhaps, or the h in this expects all the picking up of pieces is her job.

Of course I could be way off the mark, but it's this aspect that bothers me.

I would leave DS with sick bowl / sick bags, plus water, everything he needs whilst you are away. I'm guessing it's not that long, 2 to 3 hours max. Plus leave your phone on vibrate in case of emergency.

DS has never been left home alone. Neither of us like that idea

At 15? Fifteen, its not a typo for 5? When are you going to start leaving him home alone then?

I think if your only or youngest child is 15 then SAHM is stretching the definition a bit.

I genuinely laughed at this. The Tragedy of the Fifteen Year Old Home Alone.

He had never been left at home in his own?

This is all really weird. Tbh i wouldnt change my working day so that a 15 year old could be babysat.

It also sounds like your dh doesnt feel appreciated. I can see why. If dh didnt work had someone else doing most of the jobs round the house then said i needed to stay home for a sick 15 year old. I wouldnt and i would probably be wondering whay I am getting out of this partnership.

I've noticed that when it suits him he's happy to Wfh
But that's often the nature of it. In general terms I prefer working from home, but it depends what's on my plate for that day. Often it's easier or necessary to be in the office. I used to work from home one day per week and would plan my week to ensure that, on my wfh day, I was doing tasks that could easily be done at home.

Goodness. I have a 14.5 year old and I've been leaving him alone for years. He must feel completely smothered to have never been left home alone.

That said, I think leaving a kid with a sick bug, 15 or not, is pretty cold. I wouldn't do it.

Neither would I ask my husband to WFH under these circumstances. I think I'd just take a miss.

HOWEVER ... that "your job is to stay at home and I don't want to have to lift a finger at all to help or reorganise my life to help you out" is revolting
I dont think he is being revolting at all. The OP isnt exactly breaking her back at home as she has paid contractors to do chores, clean the house, walk the dog etc!

He wouldnt really be 'helping her out', jist having his work pattern disrupted because of a bizarre decision by both of them to mollycoddle a 15 year old.

If I was out working to fund my husband's lifestyle, paying for him to have cleaners etc in to do all the house stuff for him and then my DH spent his time just doing hobbies then I'd be fairly reluctant to be asked to work from home (where Id get less done, dont have the contacts at work) because DH wants to go out on a hobby day.

He's showing you exactly how important you are in his world.
No. He's saying that given the OP is a SAHP and has all kinds of domestic help to do tbe chores, it's not unreasonable for him to want to work from work when part of the deal is that she does home things (and remember she isnt doing most things anyway)

My 15yo is currently on work experience week. It's a bit odd if yours has never even been in the house in his own. How will he cope in a few years when he has to get to uni or work and cook for himself?

I'm struggling with the fact that a household with a sahm and a 15yo needs, or even wants, a dog walker. Why have a dog?!

I love the way some posters think that because she 'has the life of riley' she should not be afforded any cooperation or respect from her husband.

Some responses are more about resentment towards the posters financially comfortable life than anything.

He's 15 not 5!!! Leave him alone!

Couldn't agree more Jaxing

Its like her ONLY purpose is to be the one that does the chores in the house and as her child is 15, she doesn't count as a SAHM. WTF is she if not a parent staying at home? Is the cleaning and chores ALL that she is to the family/home? Isnt she a partner in a marriage first and foremost?

The child is sick. She has a course she regularly attends and has asked her H to cover her looking after their sick son so she doesnt have to catch up on whatever she has missed by not attending.

Having a cleaner and a gardner isn't unheard of. It's not shirking her duties.... because that implies that this is all she is worth, it's not.

She asked him if he could WFH to be there for their son. Not mow the lawn, or run the hoover round because the cleaner is off.

Perhaps if the OP is still around (although I sincerely doubt it) she may get from this that her 15yo might benefit from a little more independence.

When my ex left and my family bailed on me, I got tonsillitis. I had a 5yo to get to school and did the school run with a raging temperature and then went back to bed setting the alarm for 2.30pm. Being ill and on your own is crap, even at 40-odd. It's the loneliest I had ever felt.

Even if he had been used to being left alone in the house, if he was throwing up, its grim. he might have wanted someone to be there for him.

OP asked her H as an option, he refused and said that he wasn't rearranging his work day to help her.

Its not the end of the world, but it's not pretty.

OP asked her H as an option, he refused and said that he wasn't rearranging his work day to help her.

Honestly? I wouldn't rearrange my work day to watch a 15-year-old so that my spouse could go and do a hobby, either.

That's just many levels of ridiculous.

We had a similar situation recently, DS (16) got The Bug and was throwing up everywhere. I work part time from home but had somewhere to be, DH works long hours.
DS wanted us to just leave him alone but DH still offered to work from home to keep an eye on him while I did what I needed to do for a couple of hours. I didn't actually take him up on the offer but I appreciated that he did it. My job might be at home but we still back each other up when it's needed!

For the record, I would definitely WFH if it was an option so that my much loved 15yr old could know someone was nearby and do my much loved and respected husband and partner wouldn't have to cancel a prebooked event/hobby/class etc.