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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to look after ill son

297 replies

AngelThursday · 05/04/2017 17:45

So basically DS (15) has not been feeling well today and has been sick etc several times.
I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up. DH has the option with his job to work from home if he has no client meetings which he regularly chooses to do.
I have asked him if he will wfh tomorrow in order to be with DS so I can go to my course. He has no meetings but is grumbling, saying my job is to stay at home and why should he change his work plans just to please me.
DS just needs someone in the house, not hands on care as such so I don't see why DH couldn't stay home and work while I go to my course. He's his son too after all? If he's still poorly on Friday I will of course change my plans and look after him. I'm only asking for tomorrow

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 06/04/2017 10:23

YANBU. Sounds like your H is trying to make a point about your hobby. Is he ok with you still not working now your son is older? Maybe a constructive conversation needs to be had about that rather than this rather petty 'need' to work from the office when he'll happily work at home if it suits him.

On the other hand... DS has never been left home alone. I sincerely hope you simply omitted the 'when ill'. If a neurotypical 15-year-old has never been left home alone you need to start prepping him for grown up life. Stat.

Hissy · 06/04/2017 10:32

Jaxing, so would I and so would my boyf, who is easily more accomplished than the OP DH. In fact, if he had no meetings, i know he'd just take the day off. because he can. because he would want to be there for a kid who's sick.

We don't know what the 15yo in this wanted, as coldcanary says her 16yo might not have wanted company, but even my independent ds might have wanted some if he were ill.

Anyway it doesn't matter, we know what we'd do and why. I'm finding the resentment and envy on this thread really disturbing.

zukiecat · 06/04/2017 10:35

I think some of the responses here are very harsh

No way would I leave a sick child on their own, no matter their age, I was a SAHM til my youngest was 21!

I don't get your DH's attitude either, if working from home is something he does regularly, then why can't he do it today, if he had clients to see then I'd understand

Hope you get something sorted OP Flowers

zukiecat · 06/04/2017 10:41

My children were never left home alone at 15

Not because they misbehaved or were immature and not to be trusted, they are exceptionally well behaved children, both at home and school

I just wasn't comfortable with leaving them alone at that age

I have two very well adjusted young women, both in good jobs, and have never been any trouble to me or anyone else

If I had younger ones now I'd do the same

KoalaDownUnder · 06/04/2017 10:42

so would I and so would my boyf, who is easily more accomplished than the OP DH.

What has being 'accomplished' got to do with it? Hmm

I don't consider myself particularly 'accomplished', but I have a full-time job and it's more efficient for me to do it from the office. As opposed to a SAHP who, as the name suggests, works in the home.

There is no 'resentment and envy' involved.

zukiecat · 06/04/2017 10:45

Why is it so detrimental to his life?

My DDs are wonderful, more than capable young women,

Eldest DD moved out last year, so just me and DD2 now, but both are more capable than me!

I have had absolutely no problems with them at all

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2017 10:46

I think SAHM to one 15 year old is a pretty cushy set up tbh. And that's fine, if that works for you and your dh. But I think its taking the piss a bit to expect the main wage earner to change his work arrangements to facilitate a hobby, esp if the reason is to look after a 15 year old.

RB68 · 06/04/2017 10:47

He is being petty and kicking back at the having to take a level of responsibility for his child albeit just working from home instead of elsewhere - if it makes no material difference to his employment it really is him being an arse and kicking out at you and trying to control what you can and can't do. There is no contract for SAHP , it is a course you are going to, you are only asking for cover rather than active involvement. DH needs a kick in the arse and to re-examine his selfish controlling attitude.

Hissy · 06/04/2017 10:48

Why is the word HOBBY being spat out as if it doesnt matter? Why is the word hobby even being used? isn't what the OP described on a pre-approved list of arrangements?

This is what was said:

I am a SAHM but have a regular commitment on a Thursday. A prebooked series of courses where if I miss one is hard to catch up.

prebooked series of courses

where if I miss one is hard to catch up

I'm a swimmer, i train. I have some paid-for courses and sessions. Others are more fluid (excuse the pun Smile) I know my boyf would support and cover me to do that if I asked him to. In fact he'd nag to go, but that's him. He's supportive. He's always been like this, with his exw etc.

RB68 · 06/04/2017 10:49

SAHP parent is perfectly entitled to her own thing - sounds like she does more than enough to "make up" for it all. I think there is alot of jealousy here about those that don't have paid employment. At the end of the day she has an appt, for whatever reason and needs DH to cover - what if she were sick , what about a hospital appt - she is entitled to her own life for Gods sake

Hissy · 06/04/2017 10:52

What has being 'accomplished' got to do with it?

There are a lot of snarky comments about lifestyle and status and how important He is. SHE too is important, but in a different way.

Its attitude.

There is plenty of resentment and envy on this thread. it's dripping with it.

RB68 · 06/04/2017 10:53

Having said all that 15yr old likely to be on the mend - will prob spend all day gaming, leave him to it. It would be nice to have a supportive second parent (I notice no one complaining that the Husband is not fulfilling his role as a parent here) but its not necessary.

I would be saying "well I guess Son knows where he stands in your list of priorities then" at the end of the day being at home makes NO DIFFERENCE to work performance for DH so he is being childish and selfish

nelipotter · 06/04/2017 11:55

I left home at 15....

He's a big kid, he will be okay for a day.

And to the posters saying you have to lump it cause your a SAHP he's 15 - being a SAHM does not mean sacrificing everything you are personally interested for the rest of eternity! What about when she wants to re-enter employment in a few years? Is she supposed to just hit the ground running then?
Your OH is an ass and can help out. Tell him I said so
Grin

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 11:59

I love the way some posters think that because she 'has the life of riley' she should not be afforded any cooperation or respect from her husband

Seems she already gets plenty.

The sole earner should change their working day so a non working spouse, who appears to have no responsibilities at all, can do her hobby, because she thinks an almost adult needs babysitting?

Lets not pretend this is some kind of put upon woman or a feminist issue.

BarbaraofSeville · 06/04/2017 12:35

Maybe he didn't want to do it because he'd have to ask for permission from work to work at home and they'd either piss themselves laughing or be a bit Hmm if he admitted that it was for the purposes of looking after a 15 YO.

Won't a 15 YO who's been sick just laze around the house/stay in bed and probably barely notice whether or not his parents were in or not?

SapphireStrange · 06/04/2017 12:41

I don't think the OP deserves all the opprobium for wanting an adult to be home with her son. I'm 42 and I still like it if my DP is at home if I'm ill!

That aside, I think your DH is being a bit of a tit, OP. If he can easily work from home and actually chooses to do so when it suits him, why is it suddenly a problem now? Is it that he has a problem with you asking him to do something?

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 12:43

Yes! The sole earner should change their working day so that his partner can attend a prebooked course. Why is that so 'entitled!'.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 12:43

*if it's easy enough to change their working day which it seems from the info we have it is!

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 12:46

Yes! The sole earner should change their working day so that his partner can attend a prebooked course. Why is that so 'entitled!

Because she can attend it anyway, as a 15 year old doesn't need a babysitter! But even if he did, work comes before hobby, when you are the sole earner and you pay for a very easy life for your spouse.
Come off it people, she has cleaners, ironers, dog walkers, gardeners...and nothing to do. Expecting him to not go to work because she wants even more free time for hobbies is the very essence of entitlement!

SapphireStrange · 06/04/2017 12:51

Ding, you make it sounds as though he isn't going to be working, but all she wants is for him to spend the way working from home, as he does often anyway. In no way is it skin off his nose.

And as for 'entitlement', she has the right to a life, FFS. The number of threads I read on here where men go off for days or whole weekends to do their hobbies, just assuming that the wife will be there to look after the kids/home – it's rather refreshing to read about a woman who –hock horror! –would like a bit of time for her hobby, at (I repeat) NO COST to her husband.

KateDaniels2 · 06/04/2017 12:54

What about when she wants to re-enter employment in a few years?

The course is for her hobby. Not employment.

Ffs if a woman posted that she was the bread winner, her husband didnt work and had a cleaner, dog walker, gardener and then the husband asked her to work from home to supervise a 15 year old while he went and did his hobby, no one person would tell her she was unreasonble. There would be a load of 'why are you with him?', 'he is a cocklodger' and 'ltb'.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 12:54

n no way is it skin off his nose

Apparently it is, or else he would have just done it. So we can safely say it is a problem for him, one way or another.

she has the right to a life, FFS. The number of threads I read on here where men go off for days or whole weekends to do their hobbies, just assuming that the wife will be there to look after the kids/home – it's rather refreshing to read about a woman who –hock horror! –would like a bit of time for her hobby, at (I repeat) NO COST to her husband

Oh give it a rest! This is not some poor woman drowning in nappies frantically trying to carve out a bit of free time! This is a woman who has nothing but free time, and all at quite a lot of cost to her husband (do you think all those staff work for free?).
Get a hold of yourself. This is not a good test case for a woman who is downtrodden by a mean husband refusing to let her do her own thing. This is the elite of sah women, the actual lady who lunches!

Amockingjayhey · 06/04/2017 12:56

I am currently a SAHM although my DC are much younger. When they are older i will return to work for my own sanity (I wouldn't do well at home all day alone).

If my child was younger than 15 then i would not go to whatever i had planned to look after them. I'm sure I'd be able to catch up some how and really if I couldn't it's a hobby not a job. My DH will WFH but i only ask him to for if i have to attend medical appointments (that said i make arrangement other than him where i can).

I agree with your DH I'm afraid. It is better to be in the office where you can talk to colleagues etc. Same for my DH. My DH also chooses to wfh when it suits him but it's on days when he knows he won't need to talk to anyone and has things he can get on with himself.

I think my judgement of the situation really is being swayed by your 15 year old not having been left alone. He really should have been . Unless very ill indeed he should be able to chill out and watch some TV whilst you go out. It's really inexcusable that he hasnt been left alone and if he had this situation just wouldn't arise. So for that you really have been extremely unreasonable.

CiderwithBuda · 06/04/2017 12:58

Similar set up here to you OP. One 15 year old and I don't work. Cleaner. Dog walker as my two are a nightmare and I have shoulder and neck issues due to them pulling, I do iron though.

Anyway. I would prob ask dh if he could work from home but if he said no for whatever reason - some days I would presume he couldn't due to meetings etc. - I would prob cancel my plans.

However. I would leave DS at 15! He has been left home ill a lot recently as is off school with daily migraines and DH is often away. He sleeps or watches tv.

Do you never leave DS home if you go out for the evening? We've left DS since he was 13 or so.

SapphireStrange · 06/04/2017 13:00

Apparently it is, or else he would have just done it. So we can safely say it is a problem for him, one way or another.

IMO it is 'a problem' for him only because he's chosen to be a tit about it. He often chooses to do the exact same thing. There's no good reason (meetings etc) for it suddenly to be a problem today.

This is not some poor woman drowning in nappies frantically trying to carve out a bit of free time!... This is the elite of sah women, the actual lady who lunches!

You sound somewhat bitter. It's not at all edifying.

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