To want to know what happened

[BigGrannyPants]

Just over 2 years ago I got married. I asked my very close friend to be my bridesmaid, she cried we hugged, it was lovely. She came dress shopping with me etc etc... about 3 months before the wedding she told me not to put her down for the meal I reminded her that she was a bridesmaid and was she not doing that anymore. She said she was but was worried in case she wasn't feeling well that day and we paid for a meal that wasn't used, she said she would go home after the wedding and come back in the evening.. she doesn't keep well for various reasons but I've never known it to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. It felt like an excuse.. from that day on she stopped responding to texts, ignoring phone calls, I was worried and tried to make contact with her DH in case something had happened. He didn't respond either.. so she completely ignored me for 3 months. I took from that she wouldn't be at the wedding, as she didn't have her bridesmaid dress etc etc then on the morning of the wedding, she texts me saying 'what time?' I replied telling her what time and resisted the urge to jump down her throat..

Then she never showed up! She has completely ignored me ever since and I have no idea what happened or why she has fallen out with me.

I have tried very hard to let it go and let her go but I can't get over not knowing what happened, I feel like I have been punished for nothing.

I should add I was in no way bridezilla. I started planning my wedding and 3 months later got married, I was very laid back about the whole thing so it's definitely nothing like that.

But I really am struggling to let it go almost 2 and a half years later, which is ridiculous I know but I can't help it. Today I found myself ready to chap her door and just see what happened but I bottled it and partially thought better of it as I know I need to get a grip. I just want to know why AIBU?

lets be honest here... beyond us all jumping in a Taxi and turning up Mob Handed at the door.... this person is NEVER going to respond to the OP .. I wish the OP could close the door mentally... she's going to make herself ill... x

@BonnyScotland our mutual friend should respond, even if it's just to tell me she doesn't want to get involved. I don't plan on making myself ill, although I really do appreciate your concern, what you are saying is right, I should let it go, she doesn't want anything to do with me. I need to know why though, to square it in my own head. I also totally appreciate I might never get that answer

Im actually tempted to go to her door myself because it's annoying me now

Why can't you just go and knock on her door? Sounds like you are local?

@BonnyScotland do it do it do it 

@FagAshMIL she's about a 20 minute drive from me, my DH meets his friends infrequently in a pub near her house so I am only there when dropping him off. Last week I almost did chap her door, but my bottle crashed and I didn't.

It's not always easy as I have my 3 young DCs with me (one aged 6 and two aged 1) so it doesn't make for a quick entrance or escape. It also would make it difficult to talk what other excuse can I come up with

Had the same happen to me with a friend at Uni and it was such a shame as we were pretty close. Whats more painful- not knowing , or knocking on/finding out

I guess thats your real dilemma

I want to know now so if you could knock ;)

So your mutual friend has read your message and hasn't responded?

My sister was ghosted. Then mutual friends told her this woman just does this and pops up later as if nothing happened.

She left my sister waiting with 3 young children and frantically trying to make sure she was ok, assuming something awful must have happened.

2 years later, up she swans up all 'Hiiiii!' at a party like nothing happened. My sister told her to go and fuck herself, and she was shocked!

Why are you hassling this women op.What she did was awful but she doesn't want to know.Why would you knock at her door A it's weird and B you don't know how she will react. I'm

Why is it weird to knock on your friend's door, ghosted or not? It's not weird. Awkward maybe. So what? I say do it OP.

I'm voting for mental health problems. My dh is like your friend and will drop friends and ignore texts invites everything. Then be all sad that no one bothers with him anymore. People think he's a funny bugger. I know he's got autism, ptsd, anxiety, depression and other health issues... but how do you say that to folk!

I understand. I've been ghosted, though like a pp there were signs we had sort of grown apart. I'm not really the type to end friendships dramatically though so contact had lessened. She then deleted me from FB and kind of scowled at me when I bumped into her so I knew she had conjured up a reason for the friendship ending that was 'all my fault'. Kind of sad but she had form for this with other people including family members. Not sure really why I was surprised in that case, it was clearly my turn!! I have accepted that it was her choice to end the friendship and although I've stewed about it a bit, overall I think she did the right thing in the long run, I've no time for drama llamas.

@redjoker I should, but I don't know it I will

@shineon yes, mutual friend has read the message but hasn't responded. I'm giving her a few days grace in case she is checking with old friend whether or not it's ok to discuss it. I strongly suspect though that she is not going to respond at all. It appears I'm surrounded by people who aren't really friends

@MrsDesireeCarthorse I would've done the same, that's outrageous. The entitlement to think you can drop and pick people up like that!

@dustarr73 I haven't hassled her at all, to my knowledge she doesn't even know I've been talking to anyone about it or anything. The first she will probably know is when our mutual friend tells her about the message I've sent. You're right I don't know how she will react, or if she'll even open the door, I'm still not sure that I'll ever be able to do that anyway.

@balence49 I knew her for a long time and nothing like this ever happened. To my knowledge I am the only person she cut off, so it seems personal.

@hellswelshy that's what I should do, as a few have said I shouldn't give her this head space, but it's not really a conscious thing. I have quite a lot going on in my life so this is something I could really do with out, I totally feel like if I have the reason I could move on.

Mutual friend says she doesn't know and has lost touch with old friend. I completely believe her. Even she thinks it's weird.

Wow did she ghost her too?

Sorry OP but honestly I don't think you'll ever get an answer and she seems pretty determined not to respond to you. What I'm fairly certain of (even as a complete stranger) is that it isn't about you really, it's going to be about her. For some reason she found your wedding stressful and didn't want to do it, didn't have the courage to back out honestly and ended up ghosting you. Here's the funny (but sad part), in all likelihood she felt embarrassed about going MIA before your wedding and so stayed MIA permanently.

I know two different people who have behaved this way with other friends, they literally abandoned solid friendships because they temporarily disappeared and were too embarrassed months later to make it right, then months became years and they moved on from the friendship in any case. I guarantee you that if the people they had ghosted tried to contact them now they would never respond. People really do make silly decisions like this in life.

Firstly I found it strange that she said she would be your bridesmaid but wouldn't have the meal!!
If her family of 6 were going were they all leaving at the meal time? And then they would return?
Did any of her family go to your wedding?
She sounds most odd.
Perhaps she has mental health issues, agoraphobia, IBS ?
Or perhaps she has a controlling partner ?
Having read the Daily Mail anything is possible.
'There's nowt so queer as folk'
I would have to find out.
You sound lovely OP, even wiling to give her some of your fantasy lottery win.

@shineon I think more that our mutual friend has drifted away from old friend. Mutual friend has been a SAHM for all the time I've known her but 2 years ago she got a very important and prestigious job. She works very long hours and doesn't have much time now. I think they have drifted apart but still talk occasionally. She is certainly not being ignored or cut out by old friend.

Mutual friend and me had a long chat via messages last night, first time we have properly talked in quite a while, she is still the lovely person I remember and genuinely doesn't know what happened with old friend. She offered to bring it up with old friend the next time they speak, that's all I can ask of her, it's a potentially awkward position to be in depending on what I am meant to have done. Mutual friend says she can't think of anything that I have done, never mind something so terrible to warrant this punishment.

@Rainbunny you are probably right about me never finding out. But I have to exhaust all options first. Mutual friend did say that she has been in touch with old friends DH and was told that old friend is not great. I didn't ask for any further info because she has purposely cut me out so it seems wrong to delve in to her personal life. I now have a little bit of guilt like maybe I abandoned her when she really needed me, however I know rationally that isn't true as I tried everything to contact her at the time.

@hollyisalovelyname yes it's all weird, she had it all worked out at the time, they would leave after the ceremony and return for the evening. I would never have said MH issues and I have defended that all the way through the thread, but after talking to our mutual friend, although she never said that's what it was, perhaps her illnesses got on top of her and she is abbot depressed, I don't know, it's all guess work. I still say absolutely not to her DH being controlling or abusive. It just isn't him.

Regardless of the outcome, I would still share my fantasy lottery win with her, because I know her life has been very hard, and she has always had to struggle, and we were great friends for a long time. She is very proud and wants to do things herself and not have to rely on other people. Mainly because she has never been able to rely on anyone else (aside from her DH)

I don't hate her, and I've never been angry with her about this. Just sad and hurt really. I have always known there is more to it, just assumed I had really upset her since it's been aimed at me, now seems a bit conceited!