To want to know what happened

[BigGrannyPants]

Just over 2 years ago I got married. I asked my very close friend to be my bridesmaid, she cried we hugged, it was lovely. She came dress shopping with me etc etc... about 3 months before the wedding she told me not to put her down for the meal I reminded her that she was a bridesmaid and was she not doing that anymore. She said she was but was worried in case she wasn't feeling well that day and we paid for a meal that wasn't used, she said she would go home after the wedding and come back in the evening.. she doesn't keep well for various reasons but I've never known it to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. It felt like an excuse.. from that day on she stopped responding to texts, ignoring phone calls, I was worried and tried to make contact with her DH in case something had happened. He didn't respond either.. so she completely ignored me for 3 months. I took from that she wouldn't be at the wedding, as she didn't have her bridesmaid dress etc etc then on the morning of the wedding, she texts me saying 'what time?' I replied telling her what time and resisted the urge to jump down her throat..

Then she never showed up! She has completely ignored me ever since and I have no idea what happened or why she has fallen out with me.

I have tried very hard to let it go and let her go but I can't get over not knowing what happened, I feel like I have been punished for nothing.

I should add I was in no way bridezilla. I started planning my wedding and 3 months later got married, I was very laid back about the whole thing so it's definitely nothing like that.

But I really am struggling to let it go almost 2 and a half years later, which is ridiculous I know but I can't help it. Today I found myself ready to chap her door and just see what happened but I bottled it and partially thought better of it as I know I need to get a grip. I just want to know why AIBU?

That's meant to say not jealous!

Lobster she was on a lot of painkillers for her illness but no addiction problems, she didn't really drink as it didn't agree with her anymore. She did have low days, but we still talked those days..

Could the bridesmaid thing have just been too much pressure? But if she felt she couldn't tell me because she didn't want to upset me, how is cutting me off completely any better

I have a few friends who are a bit like this although not to this extent. In their minds (in so far as I can presume to speak for them from conversations we have had) it would go,like this: "I don't want to be the bridesmaid because everyone will be looking at me. I will be a rubbish bridesmaid. She's only asking me out of pity. She doesn't really want me. She'd be better off with me not there. Oh but I would be letting her down. I had better go. Oh but I can't. Oh now I can't possibly face her again ever I had better just disappear."

I know someone who did almost exactly this over a wedding, she wasn't bridesmaid, but she threw away a friendship and never contacted her close friend again just because she couldn't explain to her why she didn't reply to her wedding invitation or any follow up letters she sent.

For some reason I can think of at least three people I know like this, who would rather disappear from a friend's life than explain their thinking. They all have MH issues but you wouldn't necessarily know that. They would all be mortified if they realised that the people whose lives they disappear from spend so much time thinking it was something they did, because to them it is so clear that it is they themselves who are at fault and why would anyone like them that much. Too many theys there but hopefully you can work out who is who.

As someone who has suffered from severe MH problems, this sounds familiar behaviour. Perhaps she hasn't contacted you out of a sense of guilt or similar?

Personally, I'd try a handwritten letter and then perhaps leave it if no response from her. Certainly doesn't sound like you did anything wrong OP.

how weird and upsetting. given that you've already written to her and she hasn't responded i don't see what more you can do. but perhaps someone who writes off a 10 year friendship over seemingly nothing probably wasn't the close friend you thought they were.

Sorry to be blunt and ask the (obvious to me) question, but are you sure she is still alive?

Am I missing something? so was her DH invited too and he never responded? You'd paid for a dress and 6 meals? And she never turned up? I'd be asking them both what the hell they were playing at. Even if she was ill, why couldn't he pick up the phone?

That is very odd. Have you tried approaching her DH as you said she was married before you were friends so presumably you know him fairly well too?

Congrats on your marriage and children

Sometimes, in life things happen that bemuse us and we just can't have closure.

The way I got around one of mine was to know I'd armed the person with all the facts by writing a proper letter which allowed me to walk away knowing that they'd made their choice fully aware I still cared about them, had not been disrespectful about them to anyone, had not excluded them.

I gave the experience from my point of view. Tell her what you told us, how you thought everything was fine and if something has happened to change that - you don't have a clue what it was.

I said I was hurt but would love to hear from them, but if not, wished them well etc and that I wouldn't be contacting them again.

Without looking deranged, unless your mutual friends will help out, it's really all you can do.

Btw, it's very strange that they won't help, are you sure there hasn't been a random incident that seemed trivial but in hindsight may have hurt her?

I can totally understand why you need answers, you've been completely left hanging.

It does sound though that in one way or another she isn't coping with something. As someone else suggested, why don't you write her a letter? That way of its too hard for her to deal with, because of whatever she has going on, then she can just ignore but at least for your sake you tried.

I would assume anxiety; she got worked up over the wedding/being a bridesmaid and her anxiety made her disappear, and then a new level of anxiety over the having let you down is preventing her from making contact.

Could very well be wrong, but that's what first popped into mind at reading your posts.

It's been a couple of years, you've attempted to make contact in several ways and she's not responded. I think the best thing to do is to write it off, sadly. Confronting her by turning up at her door sounds a little aggressive, even if done in a pleasant and well-meaning way.

I was in an abusive relationship when my bf got married (I've since got out and am married to DH with dds) but many who knew me would never have believed I would ever have "put up with it". Due to illness and dealing mentally with a previous traumatic experience however somehow it happened. I was to be her bridesmaid and I was over the moon but at the time of the wedding he kicked off and rang her himself saying I was unwell but the flights had been cancelled (there was some airline strikes at the time but those flights hadn't been affected) then told me after it was already done. He was very controlling and I couldn't talk or message her without his knowledge so it was 2 years before she found the real reason (she had never liked him so did suspect). I'm not saying these are your friends circumstances but just there could be something yet to come out

That must be really hard for you op. Sorry to hear you've been treated like that

op were you normally sensitive to her superstitions? anxieties?

that is sad.
hopefully you can regain your friendship at some point.

OP I don't even know her and I want to know whats happened! I would want to show up at her door and ask, but in a supportive, kind and warm way. It does sound like mental health issues of some sort. Whatever answer she gives, good or bad will help you to move on. You will always be wondering otherwise..

Best friend or not I can't believe you're trying so hard for someone who clearly doesn't think much of you if she wont even discuss her issue with you.

Maybe she got sick of your obsessive nature?

Do you think she could of had a thing for your husband, the best man or something similar? Didn't want to risk it all coming out on your big day.
Consumed with guilt and doesn't know how to tell you??

Another thought, was your DH friends with her DH? Could he try getting in touch with him or can you contact him either by phone or social media?
Personally I couldn't move on until I knew what happened/is happening.
Sounds like it was out of character for her so something must of happened.

I was friends with her DH, but I imagine she asked him not to respond as she wasn't. I honestly don't think her DH is abusive or controlling, she is a very strong confident woman. Lizzie she is definitely not dead, I still have her oldest daughter on facebook as I have a professional connection with her so I would know if anything bad had happened to her mum. But my old friend is never on Facebook really. I know MH issues can be hidden but I'm positive I would've seen some signs that she wasn't coping... Rainbow my friend of over 10 years suddenly drops out my life, don't you thinks it's reasonable that I want to know what happened? I am not obsessive by nature and have not been hounding her the whole time. Initially I called a lot and text a lot as I didn't know what had happened and I was worried for her, but since I have sent her and her kids etc birthday cards and her and her DH anniversary cards. She is not on my Facebook and I didn't keep her phone number so I can only try to contact her through Facebook or show up at her door. I was driving past her house the other day, not purposely but because I was going somewhere else, but it made me think again about everything that had happened. I don't think about it all the time but it does pop in to my head periodically and stay there for a day or two.

Bec definitely not a thing for my DH and she didn't know the best man very well. My DH does know her DH but I probably knew him better. We don't have their phone numbers and her DH is not on Facebook. I might just ask her daughter, but I suspect she will deny all knowledge whether she knows anything or not

We had the same kind of thing op with a close female friend of dh's. He'd worked with her for years, she was an older lady in early 60's, we went to her wedding, visits, meals etc. The week before the wedding she was talking to Dh saying how excited her and Dh were about it.

She didn't show up and we haven't been able to get in touch with her since despite trying by phone, Facebook and Dh going to her house (curtains twitched, she wouldn't answer). Now been 3 years and we've not heared from her since but know she's still alive and well and had no catastrophes that would explain this. It drives me nuts when I think of it as there's just no reason but no way we have to find out.

That's so odd secret, I can understand people fading out of a friendship but a sudden cut off when nothing has happened is so strange..

YANBU but be prepared to never find out.

I was in a group of 3 at Uni.

About 15 years ago, one friend suddenly stopped communicating - no cards even for DD who was her godchild. This is in the good old days before Facebook, I rang a couple of times and asked if I had offended her as I really could think how and if I had it wasn't intentional. She said no but the conversation was awkward and one-sided. I even wrote asking if we could talk it through but no response.

Friend 2 maintains contact but won't tell me what I did to upset friend 1 although I'm sure she knows. I kind of understand her not wanting to get involved but equally found it very hard that she wouldn't give me closure as she knows how distressed I was about it.

It's taken nearly all of those 15 years to come to terms with and it's only in the last couple of years that I've been able to visit DF2 without it stirring up weeks of upset again. I'm feeling immensely sad sharing this but know that those feelings will no longer linger long.

I'm afraid that I've no advice to give other than to say that it's not you that has the problem - although it's almost impossible not to take it as a personal slight. I think if we lived nearer I'd have been tempted to call in person but suspect I may have bottled it too.

Rainbow that's a bit harsh.

What you say makes sense on a purely logical level but after you've been close friends for 10 or more years (we'd shared lodgings for our 3 years at uni) you can't help but be hurt, upset and confused.

I think you need to leave her alone and accept you'll probably never know what happened. You've contacted her many times and she clearly has no interest. I would accept that. She wasn't a good friend after all. Focus on the friends you do have.