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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know what happened

193 replies

BigGrannyPants · 02/04/2017 22:41

Just over 2 years ago I got married. I asked my very close friend to be my bridesmaid, she cried we hugged, it was lovely. She came dress shopping with me etc etc... about 3 months before the wedding she told me not to put her down for the meal HmmI reminded her that she was a bridesmaid and was she not doing that anymore. She said she was but was worried in case she wasn't feeling well that day and we paid for a meal that wasn't used, she said she would go home after the wedding and come back in the evening.. she doesn't keep well for various reasons but I've never known it to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. It felt like an excuse.. from that day on she stopped responding to texts, ignoring phone calls, I was worried and tried to make contact with her DH in case something had happened. He didn't respond either.. so she completely ignored me for 3 months. I took from that she wouldn't be at the wedding, as she didn't have her bridesmaid dress etc etc then on the morning of the wedding, she texts me saying 'what time?' Shock I replied telling her what time and resisted the urge to jump down her throat..

Then she never showed up! She has completely ignored me ever since and I have no idea what happened or why she has fallen out with me.

I have tried very hard to let it go and let her go but I can't get over not knowing what happened, I feel like I have been punished for nothing.

I should add I was in no way bridezilla. I started planning my wedding and 3 months later got married, I was very laid back about the whole thing so it's definitely nothing like that.

But I really am struggling to let it go almost 2 and a half years later, which is ridiculous I know but I can't help it. Today I found myself ready to chap her door and just see what happened but I bottled it and partially thought better of it as I know I need to get a grip. I just want to know why Confused AIBU?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 04/04/2017 19:50

It's been a really long time. She doesn't want any contact with you so please leave her alone.

gammaraystar · 04/04/2017 19:52

Also strangely, my personality is like how you describe your friend's to be. So maybe a certain part of our characters? I am sorry you are hurt though.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 19:56

@Xmasbaby11 that sounded like quite a personal response?

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 04/04/2017 19:59

It was the person who ditched her friend who posted. You won't get email notifications if she doesn't use outlook or similar.

That post from XmasBaby is weird.

Do you have mutual friends who could get an idea of what happened? This would drive me nuts too.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:04

@BillSykesDog it was weird, half makes me wonder if I've been outed and xmasbaby is either my old friend or a friend of hers Hmmit is driving me nuts.

If I knew what happened maybe I'd be able to let it go. I have tried, but it plays on my mind from time to time, and I now think I should find out what it was about.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 04/04/2017 20:06

It's one of those things you just need to know for closure isn't it?

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:06

Sorry to answer, we do have mutual friends and I am in contact with her daughter but I have avoided involving anyone else up til now as I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or awkward

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:08

@BillSykesDog yes I do think I need to know, and if I don't find out now, I am in no doubt that I'll come back to it sometime in the future. Bizarrely I drive by her DH today but couldn't stop anywhere safely.. haven't seen him in years either

OP posts:
Pinotwoman82 · 04/04/2017 20:24

It's awful isn't it, I had a friend we were best friends in school, then after school we drifted apart, long before texts and Facebook, then back around 2007 I had my first DC and so did she and we got back in touch, saw each other from around 2007-2013 almost every week, then suddenly she started to cancel arrangements, then she blocked me off Facebook. I haven't spoken to her since 2013, I have absolutely no idea why!! I think it's the not knowing why which is the awful thing! I'm not so bothered now as my life has moved on and I have a great circle of friends, but I would have just liked to know why

Booksandmags79 · 04/04/2017 20:28

I'd need to know too. Recently a friend has stopped contact with me. I know her reasons and although I don't agree with them, I'm learning to accept the situation. It really hurts, but at least I can try and move on. To not know why would be agonising. I hope you get some kind of resolution so you can draw a line under it all for good.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:30

Yes that's it exactly @Pinotwoman82 on the flip side I had a friend when I was very young, she moved away when her parents split up and I never saw her again, until now, 28 years later, her DS is the same age as my DS2 and we have met up a few times now and it's great, met by total chance!

I just need to understand what happened, why she felt she couldn't speak to me and this was the only way, we were very close right up until she cut off contact so I need to be able to reconcile it in my head. If it's not now, it'll rear its head sometime in the future and I'll be in the same place again

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:31

Thanks @Booksandmags79 I'm sorry about your friend, that's really difficult Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:31

MN needs vote buttons Confused

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 04/04/2017 20:33

Sorry if that sounded a bit strong. I've been the one obsessing about friendships and relationships when I've been dropped out of nowhere. It didn't get me anywhere and I feel like I humiliated myself constantly trying to contact them, and feel I looked like a stalker in the end. I wish I'd just left it.

Foxysoxy01 · 04/04/2017 20:35

This would drive me insane! I would need to know even if she didn't want to build bridges or anything just knowing why would be the only thing that could help me move on.

I really think you need to ask your mutual friends now. Explain you don't want to put them in the middle but you are finding it is affecting you quite a lot and you can't move on do they know anything at all.

CheeseToastie123 · 04/04/2017 20:41

When people upset me enough I just cut them off 100%. I hate confrontation, so just block all forms of communication and move on.

It's a shitty way to behave. Sorry, but it is.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:44

Thanks @Xmasbaby11 I know what you mean and that's probably why I bottled going to her door, but I feel really strongly about this, l need to know why. I'll just keep coming back to it.

I really have tried to do the healthy adult thing but I can't describe to you how much this bothers me. It's not about regaining her as a friend, it really is about wanting to know what happened.

If we were to talk and she wanted to stay in touch I wouldn't be adverse to that, but I won't be deliberately seeking it from her

OP posts:
marthastew · 04/04/2017 20:44

What is her DH like? Could DV/abuse be a possibility?

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:45

@Foxysoxy01tell me what to write lol

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 20:46

@marthastew no I don't believe so, they have a good relationship, they've had bumps along the road like everyone, but he's not a violent man and he adores her

OP posts:
marthastew · 04/04/2017 20:47

Could he be a jealous and controlling person?

Xmasbaby11 · 04/04/2017 20:58

What I've learned is that some people are flaky and selfish. When I was younger I made such an effort with friendships and was very hurt if the friend retreated. I still meet people who blow hot and cold and I've taught myself not to care as much. I do internally obsess and over analyse but I just let it go. In the last couple of years I've had ...

Friend of 20 years who lives 200 miles away suddenly cooling off for no reason. Very good friend who I'd lived with and been bridesmaid for. Keeps in touch casually but does not want to meet up and is no longer interested in me.

Local friend of 6 years who I saw regularly. Suddenly went cold when I was 7 months pregnant, very little contact, would not meet baby. I really struggled after the birth and would have loved her support. The rejection made me feel even worse. She finally got in touch a few months later and said she'd just had her own problems and didn't feel like meeting up. Just very selfish and wrapped up in herself. Not to be relied on. She was great company but I think treated all her friends badly as she was self absorbed.

Luckily I have enough real friends, and my dh and dc so I try not to focus on failed friendships.

Handsupbabyhandsup · 04/04/2017 20:59

My bf ditched me with no explanation at the time. Once the anger went I was desperate to know why too. I contacted mine and she answered. The reason - my 8 year old was mean to her 8 year old.

While I appreciated the response I look at it now as just poor justification and not the real reason. So even if you get an answer it may not be the real reason!

summerholsdreamin · 04/04/2017 21:06

We were a group of good friends.
3 of us had even rented flats together.

One of us then got married (we all knew him from school - nice guy) and they moved about 50 miles away. Last we ever heard from her, cut herself off completely and to this day we still have no idea why Sad no texts/FB messages ever returned.

lorelairoryemily · 04/04/2017 21:12

I had a best friend that I saw every other day from the age of 13-21, last time I saw her I dropped her birthday present to her and I never heard from her again. Her family are local to me, I see her sister regularly but I've never Bumped into her and I've never bothered asking her sister. It's annoying but I can't be arsed with it at all, haven't seen her in 13 years, I get where you're coming from though op and in your situation is have to find out what the hell happened, knock on her door! And come back and tell us!!

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