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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to know what happened

193 replies

BigGrannyPants · 02/04/2017 22:41

Just over 2 years ago I got married. I asked my very close friend to be my bridesmaid, she cried we hugged, it was lovely. She came dress shopping with me etc etc... about 3 months before the wedding she told me not to put her down for the meal HmmI reminded her that she was a bridesmaid and was she not doing that anymore. She said she was but was worried in case she wasn't feeling well that day and we paid for a meal that wasn't used, she said she would go home after the wedding and come back in the evening.. she doesn't keep well for various reasons but I've never known it to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. It felt like an excuse.. from that day on she stopped responding to texts, ignoring phone calls, I was worried and tried to make contact with her DH in case something had happened. He didn't respond either.. so she completely ignored me for 3 months. I took from that she wouldn't be at the wedding, as she didn't have her bridesmaid dress etc etc then on the morning of the wedding, she texts me saying 'what time?' Shock I replied telling her what time and resisted the urge to jump down her throat..

Then she never showed up! She has completely ignored me ever since and I have no idea what happened or why she has fallen out with me.

I have tried very hard to let it go and let her go but I can't get over not knowing what happened, I feel like I have been punished for nothing.

I should add I was in no way bridezilla. I started planning my wedding and 3 months later got married, I was very laid back about the whole thing so it's definitely nothing like that.

But I really am struggling to let it go almost 2 and a half years later, which is ridiculous I know but I can't help it. Today I found myself ready to chap her door and just see what happened but I bottled it and partially thought better of it as I know I need to get a grip. I just want to know why Confused AIBU?

OP posts:
bottleofbeer · 03/04/2017 22:19

I think the most likely explanation is she bottled it about being a bridesmaid. I hated being one. I felt awful in the dress etc..

Then she's just cut you off rather than face seeing you again after letting you down so badly.

Could it be something as simple as the dress? The dresses we wore really did nothing for me but I suspect were chosen with the chief bridesmaid in mind who is a totally different shape to me. It sounds so shallow of me but I literally dreaded that wedding because as far as I was concerned I looked like a sack of spuds in it. After the bride and groom the bridesmaids seem to be the next focus of attention. Seeing photos I didn't look anything like as bad as I imagined I did but I can see how something like that could really be a big deal to a person.

CactusFred · 03/04/2017 22:24

I had an fb message yesterday from an acquaintance wanting to know why a mutual friend totally ditched her and i do know why but I can't tell this person as I don't want to hurt her feelings so have yet to reply.

What am trying to say is if you contact the daughter this may happen as being I. The middle awkward!

Good luck though - such a bizarre situation

FreakinScaryCaaw · 03/04/2017 22:34

I wouldn't talk to the daughter.

The worst thing to me is her contacting you on the day
Bizarre!

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 03/04/2017 22:37

@bottleofbeer that's just it, I told my bridesmaids to pick their own dresses, they could all wear the same or all wear something different. One of my bridesmaids was heavily pregnant so I wanted her to be comfortable in whatever she wore but recognised that wouldn't necessarily be any any use for my other bridesmaids. She was completely in charge of her own destiny as far as the dress was concerned.

@CactusFred you're absolutely right and I don't want to put anyone in this position but I don't know how to let it go.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 03/04/2017 22:40

@FreakinScaryCaaw her daughter is a form of fitness instructor and she was mine for 2 years until I got too unwell to do that sort of fitness so we do know each other well, but then it is her mum, and likely she won't want to be involved which is totally understandable

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 03/04/2017 22:53

@DancingOnTheTable please contact your friend again. Even just to say you miss her.

I can understand your upset OP. It's like there's no closure. You want to know where it went wrong. The sad thing is you may never know. It could be as simple as she was going through a rough patch or maybe something bigger like a MH issue.

I had similar in that a partner of seven years ended it with no real reason. We never spoke again and for a long time after I wanted to know why and why he hadn't talked to me. But sometimes sadly you don't get to know why.

LagunaBubbles · 03/04/2017 23:22

It's driving me potty bottle I really have tried to do the adult sensible thing and move on... harder than it seems

Its because you dont know. We are all human and have emotions and need to recognise and then process them. Its about understanding how we feel the way we do and linking it to our experiences in relationships with people. It could be something big or small. But regardless you dont know, and to let you "move on" you might need to accept that you will never know.

Doublevodkaredbull · 04/04/2017 01:18

OP i could have written your post. Except her two DC were also going to be my bridesmaids. Ghosted me two weeks before the wedding. I never did get an answer.

CalmItKermitt · 04/04/2017 01:44

Some of these stories are gobsmacking!

Some people are just flaky 😏

BillSykesDog · 04/04/2017 01:45

Oh God. There was a post on here a while back about a woman who did exactly this while struggling with MH problems. Don't think as long ago as 2 years though. I think she even did the texting on the day then bottling thing.

Jengnr · 04/04/2017 04:13

Don't message the daughter. Be brave and go to the house.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 08:26

I'm not brave, I've been made to feel as if I've done something wrong, which might be the case, but I've not the slightest clue what. Having attempted to go to house and I just sat outside like some sort of crazy person. I won't often get the chance to do that alone as I normally have the kids with me everywhere. I'm not even sure I'd know what to say if I saw her.

If I knew what I done to deserve this, then I'd be prepared or maybe decide not to get in touch depending on what it is (if anything)

It's mad how many people have had this happen to them, maybe it's the same person and she's just a serial wedding ditcher lol

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 08:27

@BillSykesDog was it the woman who ditched her friend that was posting?

OP posts:
Pentapus · 04/04/2017 08:35

I'm not even sure I'd know what to say if I saw her.

I've missed you and the loss of our friendship makes me sad. I'd like to understand what happened. Can you tell me?

shineon · 04/04/2017 11:14

God op thats just horrible for you. I know you don't want to involve your mutual friends but I have to say if it was me I would absolutely have to ask. It would eat me alive! What did you say in your fb message to her yesterday?

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 11:34

It said:

Hiya XXXX, don't know if you'll get this, or if you'll read it. It'd be nice to hear from you x

Regret sending it really, but she hasn't seen it yet, I don't think she will either

OP posts:
shineon · 04/04/2017 11:52

Even if she doesn't check her fb she will get an email of the message so she should see it

BlueKarou · 04/04/2017 12:13

Not necessarily, shineon - I turned off all e-mails from fb, so not a darn thing on there now shoots me an e-mail, not messages, not mentions, likes or comments.

ElsieMc · 04/04/2017 12:15

I honestly think you need to move on from this op. I just don't think she wants you as a friend any more for whatever reason. You want to know the reason, but it could just hurt you more in the long run. You have a new life now and you need people in your life who are there for you and you can trust. Who wants friends who let you down like this for whatever reason. Why would you go back to this?

I learnt the hard way. I was adopted as a child and traced my birth mother, dh doing the majority of the work. I got an eventual response from a "family member" who told me that she did not want to know me, that she had her other children now and she did not want them to think bad of her (because of me) and that I was not to try to contact her or them ever again (I hadn't). Pretty final.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 12:36

@ElsieMc that is horrific, I'm very sorry  the thing is, I don't really want her back as a friend, as you say she wasn't a good one as it turns out. I don't think there is anything she could say now that I would take to heart.

@shineon I don't get notification emails, to be honest I'm not even sure she would check her emails anyway, her online presence is minimal

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 04/04/2017 13:15

I struggle to understand ... why you insist on pursuing this 'Friend' to ask why she treated you so appallingly.... years ago.. as she continues to treat you appallingly ... by still ignoring you... what part of 'Closing the Door on you' do you not understand OP ? your like a dripping tap ? almost enjoying the drama ... of no reply .... I truly think for your own mental well being you need to stop sending communications .... and focus on all those nice people around you ... who genuinely deserve your attention x

ArcheryAnnie · 04/04/2017 13:28

I'm another one who thinks she couldn't cope, bottled going on the day, and then felt she could never talk to you again out of bone-crushing shame and embarrassment.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 04/04/2017 17:23

@BonnyScotland I just want to know what happened... there is no drama at all, there wasn't even drama when it occurred. I am not pursuing friendship with her, I just want to know what it is I am supposed to have done that was so awful she felt we should never speak again.

I know a few people have said, panic, anxiety etc but it just doesn't ring true as the person I knew. She was confident and bold, often the centre of attention (which is in no way a criticism) she loved parties and nights out etc...

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 04/04/2017 19:46

She won't tell you what happened.All you're doing is proving she was right to do what she did.im not saying she was right.But she doesn't wAnt you as a friend or to contact her.

gammaraystar · 04/04/2017 19:48

I do this sort of thing. When people upset me enough I just cut them off 100%. I hate confrontation, so just block all forms of communication and move on. You probably have upset her in some way, but she just can't be arsed to "have it out" with you. I always thought ending friendship this way was better than years of bitching behind back or passive aggressive bullshit. I am a bit surprised to hear I am in the minority! I would just leave it and move on. She doesn't value you.

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