To want to know what happened

[BigGrannyPants]

Just over 2 years ago I got married. I asked my very close friend to be my bridesmaid, she cried we hugged, it was lovely. She came dress shopping with me etc etc... about 3 months before the wedding she told me not to put her down for the meal I reminded her that she was a bridesmaid and was she not doing that anymore. She said she was but was worried in case she wasn't feeling well that day and we paid for a meal that wasn't used, she said she would go home after the wedding and come back in the evening.. she doesn't keep well for various reasons but I've never known it to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. It felt like an excuse.. from that day on she stopped responding to texts, ignoring phone calls, I was worried and tried to make contact with her DH in case something had happened. He didn't respond either.. so she completely ignored me for 3 months. I took from that she wouldn't be at the wedding, as she didn't have her bridesmaid dress etc etc then on the morning of the wedding, she texts me saying 'what time?' I replied telling her what time and resisted the urge to jump down her throat..

Then she never showed up! She has completely ignored me ever since and I have no idea what happened or why she has fallen out with me.

I have tried very hard to let it go and let her go but I can't get over not knowing what happened, I feel like I have been punished for nothing.

I should add I was in no way bridezilla. I started planning my wedding and 3 months later got married, I was very laid back about the whole thing so it's definitely nothing like that.

But I really am struggling to let it go almost 2 and a half years later, which is ridiculous I know but I can't help it. Today I found myself ready to chap her door and just see what happened but I bottled it and partially thought better of it as I know I need to get a grip. I just want to know why AIBU?

I bailed out of being a bridesmaid and a friendship because the bride was a bridezilla and I realised she was a horrible person. She told our pregnant friend she was ruining her wedding by stealing her limelight for example. Not to be mean but were you a nightmare bride?!

It is hard because you need closure but you may never get an answer

Sounds like she liked the thought of being a bridesmaid but perhaps got 'stage fright' and rather than tell you she bailed out. Maybe the thought that you would be cross and the ignored calls made.it harder to talk to you. I say this with no possible excuse for not turning up on the day after texting you. It's poor behaviour. Her DH could have let you know if she was having the jitters. No excuse for all the missed calls and blanking since.

Sounds like you need closure. I'm not sure you'll get it but I would probably still try in your position as I'm crap at letting things go mind wanders off to minor thing that happened when I was 5 that CBT thereapist would tell me not useful to think about

I've had that sort of thing happen to me and it is awful, OP. The worst thing is it goes round and round in your head and you pay more attention to the absent friend than to the ones that are around you and there for you.

The thing is a friend that is worth their salt would tell you if you had morally offended them or if they had heard a horrible rumour about you. What makes me me wonder is why would her husband not answer your email? Maybe he is something to do with the problem.

She set out to ruin your wedding. I mean who would
message and ask, 'what time,' if they had no intention of going?
It was so she could twist the knife a second time and hurt you
some more. She's eaten up with you for some reason.
She's a vindictive witch.

I don't think the friend could have kept up an act all of that time without OP realising something was up, if said friend was deliberately trying to ruin the wedding! I'm surprised that you let it drift so much before the wedding before looking harder for answers as to what was going on and whether she was still involved in the wedding, OP.
It sounds like something big has happened in her life. Do you know they still live in the same place? Have you seen any of the family around? I would also want to know what happened - I know you have pointed out how lovely she was, but remarks like the family were all invited at the expense of other guests sounds a bit bitter...everyone has to prioritise on their guest list, some have higher priority than others, (such as bridesmaids immediate family, I would imagine), but I wouldn't say I invited someone at the expense of someone else unless I really didn't want them there and was pissed off about it...

Never that's awful! I was definitely not like that, the wedding and the planning were very relaxed. To give you an example I had a colleague in my office take my measurements for my wedding dress and then bought my dress online - made to measure, everyone was but I was perfectly calm and happy with that. Fritz I suppose I'm bitter now because she never came and I could've had other people at the wedding. We only had a certain amount of people and as anyone who has gotten married will know, it's really hard to cut people out. At the time I was glad to have her there and her family

I sent her a Facebook message last night but it's still at the empty circled tick as if it's not even been delivered

Could she be in a controlling relationship with her DH? Perhaps he didn't want her being in a co-starring role at the wedding?

I wondered that too IAmNotAUserNumber

or pehraps her dh didnt want to step up to keeping all their dc under controrl?

perhaps she feels really embarrassed by not wanting to be a bridesmaid? is she superstitious?

Do not give her the satisfaction of knowing she has really bothered you. The fact you have sent cards and written to her with no response maybe means she doesnt want anything to do with you.

It honestly could be that she was unwell or had something else going on in her home life at the time and now she's avoiding you because she feels terrible and embarrassed.

UserNumber I know (or knew) her DH really well and he's not like that at all, and to be honest I can't imagine anyone controlling her in any situation, anythings possible but I highly doubt it.

Yes I agree she doesn't want anything to do with me, but that doesn't mean I can stop struggling with the why

Norma she is superstitious, why did you ask that?

I think she was jealous. How did she get on with your DH2be?

It can even really difficult when this type of thing happens.

I had an ex boyfriend who never actually broke up with me, just stopped talking to me/contacting me. It was weird. We had a mutual friend (then a close friend of mine) who I eventually (like months later, me not pining after ex or anything) asked if she knew what had happened - she just said that ex said 'she knows what happened' whilst giving the impression that she knew all about it but wouldn't say. Weird.

She also didn't come to my wedding in a similar manner - she wasn't bridesmaid though - we had been talking about timings the day before, all fine, then she just didn't show up. Mind you her dp is a bit of a controlling twat and he hadn't wanted her to come. He also made her miss another friend's wedding a year later.

My only advice is to really not give it too much headspace. You did what you could I the situation, and since. You have tried to reach out, by she isn't interested, for whatever reason. Don't let it eat you up.

re superstitious, i dont know but people do get superstitious about a variety of things. that might be it and she is embarrassed to tell you.

We don't see some friends anymore as our (at the time) pfb was really unwell and we just missed the date of the wedding . Having behaved so appallingly we just didn't know how to make amends and so haven't really spoken since. Mortified doesn't even begin to cover it.

Could it be something like that - that something else happened in her life which meant that being your bm had to take a backseat and she really didn't know how to tell you? But then that doesn't really explain the wedding morning text. Maybe she has been hit with terrible anxiety?

It is very good of you to try and not involve your mutual friends but this does seem to be eating away at you (as it would me). I would def be asking the mutual friends what on earth happened.

I wonder whether she was (a) suffering from depression or (b) subject to DV (possibly was going to come and then her DP raged and hit and injured her so she didn't come because she had visible injuries).

Whatever it is likely that she is embarrassed and doesn't know how to approach you or having resolved her issues doesn't want to go through them all again.

Maybe a note saying there must have been some issues that prevented you coming to the wedding at the time and I am sure you may not want to rehash them all but I would love to hear from you and how you're doing so that she doesn't have to given an explanation.

I think it was probably something serious, like mental illness or domestic violence. She knows that she let you down very badly, and is too embarassed to contact you now. Sadly, there isn't really anything you can do. If she doesn't want contact, then that's just the way it is.

Dow definitely it jealous, she just wants the type. Norma she is very very superstitious but I can't think what impact that would've had on our friendship. I mean how bad must it be that she didn't want to speak to me any more and didn't want to try and sort it out, I mean it must be terrible whatever it is.

We were the best of friends for over 10 years, we went to each other's houses several times a week, our kids played together, we went nights out, we knew everything about each other, so I do find it hard to believe she's been too embarrassed to tell me something, there was nothing we couldn't tell each other

Could she have drug or alcohol problems that surface periodically? From people's stories in AA, a couple of hours can be the difference between fully intending to do something and being comatose. If she gets on to step 9 and making amends, you would find out ...