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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know what happened

193 replies

BigGrannyPants · 02/04/2017 22:41

Just over 2 years ago I got married. I asked my very close friend to be my bridesmaid, she cried we hugged, it was lovely. She came dress shopping with me etc etc... about 3 months before the wedding she told me not to put her down for the meal HmmI reminded her that she was a bridesmaid and was she not doing that anymore. She said she was but was worried in case she wasn't feeling well that day and we paid for a meal that wasn't used, she said she would go home after the wedding and come back in the evening.. she doesn't keep well for various reasons but I've never known it to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. It felt like an excuse.. from that day on she stopped responding to texts, ignoring phone calls, I was worried and tried to make contact with her DH in case something had happened. He didn't respond either.. so she completely ignored me for 3 months. I took from that she wouldn't be at the wedding, as she didn't have her bridesmaid dress etc etc then on the morning of the wedding, she texts me saying 'what time?' Shock I replied telling her what time and resisted the urge to jump down her throat..

Then she never showed up! She has completely ignored me ever since and I have no idea what happened or why she has fallen out with me.

I have tried very hard to let it go and let her go but I can't get over not knowing what happened, I feel like I have been punished for nothing.

I should add I was in no way bridezilla. I started planning my wedding and 3 months later got married, I was very laid back about the whole thing so it's definitely nothing like that.

But I really am struggling to let it go almost 2 and a half years later, which is ridiculous I know but I can't help it. Today I found myself ready to chap her door and just see what happened but I bottled it and partially thought better of it as I know I need to get a grip. I just want to know why Confused AIBU?

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 04/04/2017 21:18

I do know what you're going through.My friend left me sitting in a cafe on a cold October morning.With my ds who was 4 months old.

I thought something had happened to her,got home rang her and got no answer.Looking back there where signs she was cooling towards me.

She never got back in touch.And as annoying as it is i wont chase after her.She made her choice.

WatchHowISoar · 04/04/2017 21:30

Wow dustarr73 that's so shitty of her. It isn't just fazing out communication it's making a nasty point by standing you up and leaving you.

I was ghosted by a friend who then decided when she moved back to the area that we had to meet up and I had to introduce her to my friends. Needless to say I left it all in her court and she never bothered until she saw me again, tried to admonish me and got an icy response in return.

WatchHowISoar · 04/04/2017 21:31

Whatever the reason op it's not going to help you at all because you'll always wonder if she's being truthful.

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 21:34

How very strange OP. I would right her a letter and include in it all your feelings and questions as laid out in this thread.

dustarr73 · 04/04/2017 21:35

I think when you realise they are not the people you thought they where,it makes it easier.

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 21:41

Options:
a) You have upset her in some way
b) She had a ONS with your dh years ago, or wanted to, and couldn't face you at your wedding
c) She is mentally unstable/has social anxiety
d) She hates weddings but thought she could attend yours
e) She got a better offer/holiday for the same date as your wedding
f) She never really liked you in the first place and hid it really well
f) ????

joystir59 · 04/04/2017 21:42

g) She has listened to some stupid gossip about you
h) she is not the person you thought she was

laurzj82 · 04/04/2017 22:09

MH issue. 100% Im very ashamed to say I have done this. Blush I wasnt a bridesmaid though but a close friend.

Waterlemon · 05/04/2017 08:20

I would feel exactly the same - you need "closure"

I would be inclined to contact the mutual friends, let them know how difficult you are still finding the situation. You might not like the reasons why she cut off contact, but I know I would be able to deal with any negative outcome better than the. It knowing!

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 05/04/2017 09:20

@joystir59 a or g none of the others fit, h is a given.

@laurzj82 I would be utterly astounded if it was MH issues. Can I ask what your thinking was when you did it?

OP posts:
70ontheinside · 05/04/2017 09:32

It's obviously eating you up.
I would just go over and get it over and done with. It will be very scary, but at least you'll know.
Do it now, without second guessing.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 05/04/2017 09:58

If she wouldn't put it in a text, she probably won't be willing to say it out loud so going over won't get you anywhere.

OrangeIsTheNewPop · 05/04/2017 10:23

I was ghosted last year. The reason it's so upsetting is that there's no actual "ending" to the situation. At least if a friendship is destroyed due to an argument, you have something to blame.

Op I was advised (and I actually had to undertake grief counselling- it was that traumatic) to write one last letter. In the letter, I wrote that I still didn't understand it, but that I needed to move on for my own sake. I craved an ending- and in the end, I was able to give MYSELF the ending that I needed.

Please don't let it eat you up any more. I know this seems like a dramatic post, but I've been there. It's time to leave it now. If she hasn't given you the answers you are seeking by now, chances are she won't. Flowers

Daisy17 · 05/04/2017 10:28

Hi OP, another who completely understands. I had a friend who I was really close to, we'd meet up every couple of months and put the world to rights for hours. Then one time she had to cancel for a child's illness, said she'd rearrange - and I haven't heard from her since. That was over a year ago. I've sent her a few light-hearted "hi, how's it going" messages but ....nada. I'm assuming I said or did something wrong but have no idea what - it's interesting that other people have mentioned MH issues as that could well make sense for this particular friend. But it eats me up! Horrid. Flowers

dustarr73 · 05/04/2017 12:24

She's not giving you the headspace that you are giving her.She doesn't care and all you're doing op is giving yourself more heartache.Move on and live your life.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 06/04/2017 19:45

I have asked mutual friend against my better judgement... just need to see what she says now...

OP posts:
summerholsdreamin · 06/04/2017 19:49

You must let us know what happens BigGranny !

Vegansnake · 06/04/2017 20:12

It gives her power over you...she gets off on it ,she will love the fact you've asked a mutual friend..let her go

roastednut · 06/04/2017 20:50

Have read this with interest. This happened to me not long after I met my then dp now dh. It's been about 8 years now. We weren't friends for a huge amount of time, probably 3 or 4 years maybe. We were close though. I met my now dh but I absolutely kept our close friendship (I say that knowing how people sometimes meet a new partner and let their friends slip a little in the early stages of new relationships) but she seemed to cool. She then just completely blanked me. I tried a couple of times got no response and left it there.
I have felt sad about it on and off over the years and it is weird not knowing why she dumped me Sad

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 06/04/2017 21:02

@Vegansnake it's not giving her power she has no idea I feel this way, she is not the type to get off on other people's misery and I can say that confidently despite what has happened. It also doesn't change that it is still affecting me. This is for my benefit, not for hers. Whether it works out that way is quite another thing!

@roastednut it's horrible! I think that's an example of what I want to avoid, I don't want to feel this way 5 years from now. Whatever the reason is, whether I agree with it or not will help me to move on hopefully. 8 years is a long time but if you've been driven anywhere near as crazy as I have with it, I might still try and find out

OP posts:
Vegansnake · 06/04/2017 21:13

I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it,and start to feel better...but,sometimes you do just have to let things go.good luck x

MargotFenring · 06/04/2017 21:44

Fingers crossed you get a response you are as satisfied with as you can be.

I have dropped friends in the past on two occasions and not said anything, but only because they were so unbelievably self involved it would be pointless. The one time I ended a friendship, and spoke to them, it was worse than dumping a partner. Incredibly tough. I don't regret it but it was hard....

You don't sound like the type of person they were though, and there YANBU at all.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 06/04/2017 23:01

She has read it and not responded Envy perhaps checking with old friend if she can say anything or perhaps ignoring me Confused

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 07/04/2017 07:19

omg .... take the hint lady .... she doesn't give a hoot about you ... your embarrassing yourself ..... walk away from this nut case x

CalmItKermitt · 07/04/2017 11:26

Nice, Bonny 😏

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