To think his mother is toxic and want to do something about it? (longish story)

[SuziePink]

Apologies for the length of this.

DP (37, I'm 29) has AS and ADHD and lives with his DM and stepdad. Together for 2 years, found out I was pregnant in early Jan. When I told DP we were a bit shocked but after some discussions I told him I was not willing/able/whatever to have an abortion because I knew I would regret it. He seemed to accept this but was having problems so I said he needed to talk to his DM and stepdad. Next time I saw him he said he'd told them and they thought I should have an abortion... so much for being supportive.

Less than a week later his DM has phoned my parents, who she'd never met let alone had their phone number, and arranged to meet them to discuss 'concerns'. Then DP sends me message saying he is 'unable to function in a relationship' which is news to me after being in a happy one for 2 years. My parents then receive a letter from his DM cancelling the meeting and explaining that I should have an abortion because my child will have 'severe autism' despite there being absolutely no scientific backing for this as well as the fact my DP does not have severe autism. My parents still want to meet. During the meeting she is in full theatrics saying how dependent my DP is on her (she's made him that way, nothing to do with AS or ADHD), how he's like a 'little boy', that sometimes she wishes he'd 'never been born', how it's cruel to bring a disabled child into the world as well as saying if I have the child it will 'kill [her]' etc etc... Does not listen to what my parents or I have to say at all.

A couple of weeks later he agrees to meet me then sends me an email at the last minute cancelling. I go round there anyway. His DM tells me I bully and manipulate DP, physically tries to push me away from him despite knowing I'm pregnant and then calls 999. However, police are very sympathetic to me and tell DP basically to stop ignoring me and be a man. Me and DP have a good conversation and agree to meet a couple of days later. However, by that time DM has got to him and convinced him that there's no point speaking to me and he must have a friend present because I'm such a bully. Unsurprisingly, we get nowhere.

Since then (about 6 weeks ago) I've barely heard from him and not seen him. His DM gives him money so he doesn't need to work, makes appointments with his GP etc, and basically controls his life as well as deciding for him that he cannot cope in a relationship and that he's 'incapable' of being a father to our child. I think he'd make a lovely father whether we're in a relationship or not. I've tried to ask members of family who I know for help but she's got wind of this and told him to tell me to stop (I can tell when he's merely repeating what she's said). All I want, and I've told him and his DM and stepdad, is a father for my child and for them to know their family. I have not asked for money or anything else from them.

I've since read Susan Forward's Toxic parents and am convinced she's a controlling toxic parent. AIBU to think this and AIBU to want to do something about it before she completely ruins his life by severing ties with me and what will probably be his only child? Oh yeah... she's an accredited counsellor.

I should probably mention I've been signed off from work with stress from mid-Feb to end of this month and have been seeing a counsellor myself.

One of the things that perhaps I haven't communicated well is that he has seemed happy to do things until she has got her claws into him and unfortunately they live together so he has her going on at him 24/7, made worse by the fact she doesn't work and that he's been feeling so down that he hasn't been doing his usual activities. I saw this in action between the two meetings we had where he seemed open to talk and happy to discuss things and two days later she had persuaded him that there was no point talking to me. At the second meeting, despite her promising to leave us to it she flew down they stairs, burst into the kitchen and started berating me without any provocation which didn't exactly help matters. She only left when her husband dragged her back upstairs. That is the kind of thing I'm dealing with.

What are you doing with him? He's a nobhead, how can you cope with a newborn when you already have an overgrown fucking toddler?

@Gideonsangel123 how is that a helpful comment?

You say that has said that "he has no negative feelings" towards you. That speaks volumes I think.

That really is not sufficient for any kind of relationship with you whether as your partner or as a co parent.

This has car crash written all over it.

Walk away and count your blessings that you've had a lucky escape from this spineless man and his awful mother.

It is awful that you are having to go through this. Some of the reactions you are getting on this thread are unfair.

Unfortunately, I really think, from what you've said, that your only option is to cut all contact with him and his family. If he wanted to be involved I think he would find a way to be, after all he managed to have relationship with you.

You could send him one last message asking him if he wants to be informed when the baby is born so that he can go on the birth certificate. You cannot put him on the birth certificate yourself if he is not present because you are not married. Personally, I would not send him any updates after that. If he chooses to not reply or to not go with you to the registrar, then there is nothing more you can do.

You have to think of your own well-being and the best interests of your child. You have every right to enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to the great family that you, your family and close friends can provide for your baby. As harsh as it sounds, you cannot save him from this woman and if, at some later date, he comes to regret not being involved with his child then he will have to deal with that himself.

Congratulations on your pregancy! Please start taking care of yourself and your unborn baby. These have to be your priority now.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. That is the first step to you losing a grip of it, and believe me, being a single parent means you need to keep a grip.
If he has any legal rights over the child, his mother will be orchestrating it and directing. If she's the bogey, you have to strategise in a way that reduces her control.
The child can know who his father is.

I don't want to cut all contact (with him, been cut with his DM for a long time now) just yet. I'm not sure whether he'll ever come round to the idea but I don't want to close the door. I guess I'm still hopeful (and I use the word hope on purpose rather than expect) that when it becomes real for him he'll at least realise that not knowing his child is a mistake... at some point in time anyway.

I know I am capable of bringing up a child on my own, I have no doubt about that even though I know it will be difficult. It's just that I don't want to have to explain to my son why he doesn't have a dad and I don't want him to miss out on getting to know the good guy his dad is when he's not being manipulated by his self-centred, inadequate mother. I want nothing to do with her and to be honest I wish he felt the same but I know that's unlikely to happen.

You don't need to cut all contact with him, just back off. And strategise. Him not being on the birth certificate won't affect what kind of father he is, but you will retain CONTROL. Sorry to labour the point, but if he continues to be in thrall to his mother, she will be pushing the buttons, and pulling his strings. YOU need to be in charge of your unit.

I have backed off already. As one poster said several pages ago I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. If I try to contact him then I'm overloading him and his mother can twist it so it seems like I'm harassing him, if I step back then she can pour her poison in his ear without the fear of anyone contradicting her. Cut him out of my child's life and everyone suffers, try to give him the opportunity to be a father and potentially have her shit to deal with for as long as she lives. And so it goes on. I can't do anything right and I'm totally powerless which she has completely engineered.

As far as preparing and stuff, that's something I've started doing as a means of distraction. I have found it very hard to look forward to and be excited about being a mother. The treatment I have had has not only made the future difficult but made it seem like the last two years were a complete waste of time and everything from that time is now tainted by the current situation. This is why I'm getting annoyed with people repeating to me that I've been dumped and the entirely unnecessary personal attacks on this thread.

To be honest you both sound really immature having to get parents involved and arranging meetings, your both grown adults!

If you want to keep the baby then I would go ahead and do so alone, he clearly doesn't want to be involved so no point in trying to force that, just be aware financially you will be alone as you can't claim maintenance from a 37 year old who gets pocket money from his mum

@usernjdhkvdgkb thanks so much for calling me immature, that's very helpful and clearly you haven't read much of what I've written. Neither of us wanted parents involved, that's the whole point. I have already had the child maintenance talk with my solicitor. I'm getting really fed up with saying that I decided months ago to keep the baby so there is no if you want to keep the baby conversion at all.

This thread is getting very close to bullying sometimes.

I'm totally powerless which she has completely engineered

You sound well able to be a single mother, OP. The main reason we are all saying not to put the father on the birth certificate is so that you aren't again rendered powerless by this woman. You are in love with a man who is destroying, but you have not yet felt the love one has for a child. There is no comparison, IMHO. We really don't want you to be rendered powerless with your own child. Nothing to do with cutting the father out in this case.

For what it's worth, I think sooner or later this man will want to know his child.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

I'm sorry, I haven't RTFT, but it seems to me that this is a question of managing your own expectations.

You are very clear in your first post that when you first found out about the pregnancy, you wanted to keep the baby and you made that decision in spite of the fact that your partner was unsure. That's great for you and really brave.

In your later posts you say that despite everything that's happened you aren't sure that he doesn't want to be involved, you think his mum might be poisoning him against you, you want to leave the door open for his involvement.

That's fair enough but I think you need to adjust your own expectations. You have very bravely chosen to do this alone. You can leave the door open for him. Your partner may step up to the challenge of fatherhood, but he most likely, from what you have said, won't. He may have some involvement in his child's life, or he may not. It sounds as though any involvement will have to be quite limited and you need to be prepared for that.

The point is that you chose to go it alone, so you need to be prepared to go it alone. Any support you get from him will be a bonus.

That's why I say it's about your expectation. Real life isn't 'Friends' or 'Sex and the City'. Couples aren't romantically brought together by accidental pregnancies, where the mum decides to go it alone and the dad falls in love with her for doing it.

Btw you say in your first post that all you want is a father for your child and you aren't seeking money from anyone, but you say in a later post that you have been speaking to a solicitor about child maintenance - which is it?

You are not powerless. You are independent and hold all the cards. Keep,it like that and let his mother machinate to herself. Baby's dad will do what he can manage, which may or may not be a great deal, but that doesn't matter if you are in charge legally.

She sounds toxic and emotionally abusive but unless he's classed as a vulnerable adult there doesn't seem to be a lot you can do. She doesn't exactly sound the type to be reasoned with. You're dead right about the AS and ADHD. He may have these things but she's the biggest barrier to him living an independent life. It's very very sad!

I don't know the figures about likelihood of a child having the condition if a parent has..however the difference will be the way in which you parent your child.

For your own mental health I think you need to calmly state your point of view and your wishes for your child and you relationship going forwards (a letter may he good as he would have time to re-read and process) and then leave the ball in his court. I think the more you push against the mum directly the more nightmarish she's going to be.

If things stay as fraught you're going to become (more) poorly xx

@bigmac4me that is certainly how it has felt.

@Atenco I hope he will for everyone's sakes.

@Pigface1 thank you, although I actually hate the way those kind of shows portray relationships so please don't assume I think life is like that. I spoke to a solicitor about a whole range of things and child maintenance naturally came up in the conversation.

@Catherinebee85 thank you, I have tried the whole stating clearly what I want and trying to be reasonable but it doesn't seem to have got me anywhere.

DP seems to be becoming more and more withdrawn. Whereas at one stage he would reply to messages sometimes, sounded enthusiastic about counselling and said he would get back to me about which of the counsellors I had looked up he would be happy to go to, and said he wanted to at least be on good terms, in the last few weeks communication from him has gone done to almost 0. We seem to be going backwards.

Hi Suziepink,

I've only read until about half way through page 3.

How high up on the spectrum is he? I only ask because I have a sister who is seemingly quite low on the scale, and she can live a relatively normal life. she really doesn't react well with change.

I'm wondering if his mum has completely changed the way she treats you because he views the baby as a big responsibility and big change that he can't deal with that's been thrust upon him?
In the time you have been together, had you discussed where the relationship was going between the two of you? It's possible that he maybe viewed that it could go on forever just as it was?

It's possible that he doesn't feel able to take the responsibility of the baby.

I feel really cruel saying this, but I am trying to be helpful. Is it maybe a good idea to just keep being light and breezy as you are being, and allowing him the opportunity, and when the baby is born to take very, very small tiny steps?

If he is offered small and nice little opportunities to get to know the baby- instead of the baby is here, step up kind of thing, he will have the opportunity to create a relationship and will hopefully take on a little responsibility every time he realises that he is actually able to.

It must be a really hard situation you are in, and I'm sorry, I hope that things work out great, you sound very understanding.

I hope you have lots of support, and don't let his mum anywhere near you or the baby unless she grovels at your feet for forgiveness AND explains that she knows how wrong she was.

Also, as pp have said, if you are going this alone. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. That gives him parental rights that are equal to yours.
The last thing you need is for him to have to OK everything about your child's life if it means that his mum makes his decisions. It also causes a problem if you want your child to use your last name on their passport, without NRPs permission it won't be accepted. Even if they haven't been in your child's life for 5/6/7+ years.

I never listened to this same advice, much to my detriment.

@Dumbo412 he's been diagnosed with Asperger's but he's not hugely affected. His main problems are to do with assertiveness, some obsessive urges though the clash with his attention deficit causes him to feel stressed which is far more of a problem as it sets off migraines, social things he's pretty good with and he is a bit funny about touch, materials clothes are made out of which I totally understand as I have problems with noises despite being NT. I think the fact he got to 37 without any real issues like tantrums or bad behaviour means that even on the AS spectrum he's only mildly affected. His childhood and resulting anxiety as well as his mother have had a much bigger impact in my opinion.

I was always very very clear from the off that I wanted to get married and have children. When I asked him last year if one day we would buy a house and have a baby he said yes but not yet, which was fine given that I knew it would be about 2 years before I would be settled enough due to work and other things. When I asked him if he would ever consider living abroad he said no so I stopped looking at jobs abroad. At no point did he say or give me any indication that he didn't want the same things as me else I would've ended it, not that I ever said that.

I think his mum would have been much better to have offered us her support, like my parents, whatever he had said to her as he had no more than a couple of weeks to get used to the idea before she put her oar in and made everything much more difficult.

I totally agree with you about giving her contact. I would be extremely worried about letting her have any time with a child she desperately wanted aborted. I would go a step further and say I would only let her have supervised contact, as with domestic violence cases.

Yes, I am very lucky to have parents and friends who are supporting me and I arranged some counselling through my employer who has continued to pay and support me despite only working there for a couple of months before all this happened.

With the responsibility stuff I wanted to give him a chance to see if he could be a father and see how much he could take on. His mother, however, already had him pegged down as "incapable" only two weeks after we found out I was pregnant.

His DM sounds like a total horror. How incredibly difficult this must be for you. The very cheek of her contacting your parents instead of talking to you the adult who is carrying the child.

She is infantilising her son and sounds like a classic toxic narcissist parent.

You do not need to give her any contact whatsoever with your child. What's she going to do next, ring your parents when she starts imposing her views about child rearing?! And I guarantee someone like her will have nothing good to say about your mothering ability or the baby's development. She will take every opportunity to make you feel like crap. Best avoided especially with the post natal hormones. Stick close to your family. X

He sounds very child like and not capable of having an adult relationship. You sound like a very switched on woman I'm actually surprised you had a relationship with him as he doesn't sound like your equal. I think you can do a lot better tbh.

You need to change your approach. Keep contact light and breezy and do not talk about anything too heavy - does she allow him to see you?

If you get that opportunity just use it to be yourself and relax around him - she may well be interrogating him and checking his phone?

Other than the above - there is nothing you can do but prey for a miracle or her death (dreadful thing to write but it seems like he is complete under her spell

Have you tried to appeal to his father?