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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his mother is toxic and want to do something about it? (longish story)

240 replies

SuziePink · 02/04/2017 19:28

Apologies for the length of this.

DP (37, I'm 29) has AS and ADHD and lives with his DM and stepdad. Together for 2 years, found out I was pregnant in early Jan. When I told DP we were a bit shocked but after some discussions I told him I was not willing/able/whatever to have an abortion because I knew I would regret it. He seemed to accept this but was having problems so I said he needed to talk to his DM and stepdad. Next time I saw him he said he'd told them and they thought I should have an abortion... so much for being supportive.

Less than a week later his DM has phoned my parents, who she'd never met let alone had their phone number, and arranged to meet them to discuss 'concerns'. Then DP sends me message saying he is 'unable to function in a relationship' which is news to me after being in a happy one for 2 years. My parents then receive a letter from his DM cancelling the meeting and explaining that I should have an abortion because my child will have 'severe autism' despite there being absolutely no scientific backing for this as well as the fact my DP does not have severe autism. My parents still want to meet. During the meeting she is in full theatrics saying how dependent my DP is on her (she's made him that way, nothing to do with AS or ADHD), how he's like a 'little boy', that sometimes she wishes he'd 'never been born', how it's cruel to bring a disabled child into the world as well as saying if I have the child it will 'kill [her]' etc etc... Does not listen to what my parents or I have to say at all.

A couple of weeks later he agrees to meet me then sends me an email at the last minute cancelling. I go round there anyway. His DM tells me I bully and manipulate DP, physically tries to push me away from him despite knowing I'm pregnant and then calls 999. However, police are very sympathetic to me and tell DP basically to stop ignoring me and be a man. Me and DP have a good conversation and agree to meet a couple of days later. However, by that time DM has got to him and convinced him that there's no point speaking to me and he must have a friend present because I'm such a bully. Unsurprisingly, we get nowhere.

Since then (about 6 weeks ago) I've barely heard from him and not seen him. His DM gives him money so he doesn't need to work, makes appointments with his GP etc, and basically controls his life as well as deciding for him that he cannot cope in a relationship and that he's 'incapable' of being a father to our child. I think he'd make a lovely father whether we're in a relationship or not. I've tried to ask members of family who I know for help but she's got wind of this and told him to tell me to stop (I can tell when he's merely repeating what she's said). All I want, and I've told him and his DM and stepdad, is a father for my child and for them to know their family. I have not asked for money or anything else from them.

I've since read Susan Forward's Toxic parents and am convinced she's a controlling toxic parent. AIBU to think this and AIBU to want to do something about it before she completely ruins his life by severing ties with me and what will probably be his only child? Oh yeah... she's an accredited counsellor.

I should probably mention I've been signed off from work with stress from mid-Feb to end of this month and have been seeing a counsellor myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:26

@Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername yes, exactly my point!

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 02/04/2017 20:26

You should go to counselling together. It will give him time to think and it will help you both co-parent, whatever the outcome.

However, you and your parents have made some rookie errors in allowing DM to think that she was part of the baby conversation. Do not include her in any dates/plans/information - just deal with DP. Give her no control whatsoever and zero feedback.

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:30

@purpleshortcake I blocked her on whatsapp and my caller list a while ago in case she felt the need to berate me at all. I've sent him my scans and shared a Dropbox folder with stuff in so he can access all that whenever he wants to, hopefully without his DM knowing.

I'm currently 17+3 weeks and made the decision a long time ago that there's no way I could have an abortion. Life is too sacred and I know I'm more than capable of bringing up a child with or without him. It would just be better for all three of us if he was at least able to visit.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/04/2017 20:33

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Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:33

@MimiSunshine I'm pretty happy to place conditions on DM never seeing our child. He already understands why I want her nowhere near me so I don't think he's so daft as to think I would be ok with her having contact and there's no real possibility I would hand the child over to him because of that. I'm sure he knows there's something not right with her.

OP posts:
FittonTower · 02/04/2017 20:34

You can't rescue him. He needs to deal with his mother hisself and you need to be very aware that once this baby arrives she's very very likely to change her mind completely and be pulling his strings to control your baby as well as her son. I would honestly take a huge step back.

notgivingin789 · 02/04/2017 20:34

Autism is genetic, I believe anyway, so your partner having Autism and ADHD may be likely that your soon to be DS/DD will have it too.

But ! His DM sounds so controlling and unhinged it's unbelievable.

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:35

@AddToBasket if I had a time machine I would certainly do things differently but I've had no contact at all with her for over 6 weeks.

I think I should add her behaviour came as a total shock to me as she's bought Christmas and birthday presents for me for well over a year and invited me to family stuff. I had no reason to believe she didn't like me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:37

Unfortunately not able to claim Child Support as he has no taxable income.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 02/04/2017 20:40

there's no real possibility I would hand the child over to him because of that
You might not have a choice if they take you to court.

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:41

@notgivingin789 the research suggests some genetic links with the most transmission between mother and son. However, environmental factors such as infections and drinking alcohol during pregnancy have been shown to increase the risk so in reality it is very complex. There are absolutely no occurrences in my family and I score very highly on empathy tests and very low on autism tests (better than the general population, never mind about ASD people) so I believe the risk is low enough to not be a worry. DP is only mildly affected and recent treatments involve intense counselling/therapy at a young age which has been shown to have a huge impact on the outcome. In either case, the child will be fine.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 02/04/2017 20:42

How would you physically stop him taking your child to see his DM?

RyanStartedTheFire · 02/04/2017 20:42

Never mind apron strings I bet he is still breast-fed. .
Horrible thing to say about someone with AS who is obviously still dependent for a reason.

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 02/04/2017 20:42

The thing is though by assuming he isn't allowed to do what he wants and that his mother has made him think like that you're kind of ignoring the fact that maybe his mum knows him better and understands his AS and ADHD better than you after knowing him his whole life. You've only known him 2 years, I think its unfair to jump to the conclusion that she's making him think this way. If he did want to be with you or see you he would tell you but he wont even see you without another person present and called the police when you went round there. Whatever is going on in his home life that is a pretty clear message he doesn't want to see you. I have a friend at the minute who hasn't been a particularly good friend and I feel intimidated into being nice to him in communication but I actually really don't want to see him or be friends with him, I know your situation is different but I can see it from his point of view. He's told you he's unstable in a relationship, I would respect that and although he hasn't catagorically told you he doesn't want to be with you the signs are pretty clear. Its tragic that he doesn't want your baby and very sad but as another PP has said you can't force him to step up and be a dad. He will have to pay maintenance of course but I think you need to consider that if you keep pushing the contact he might push you away. Also his mother, for better or for worse, is clearly a very strong influence in his life. You cannot change that no matter how wrongly you feel she may be treating him. If he wants to move away or be with you that will have to come from him. And so whatever contact he has with you or your child I think you need to accept it will also involve his mum. You say you don't want her around your child but it seems he depends on his mum for an awful lot, I doubt he will be able to venture into the journey of fatherhood in whatever capacity without his mum by his side.

I do sympathise and hope it all turns out ok but honestly in your shoes right now I would be taking a big step back and focusing on you and your baby.

luckylucky24 · 02/04/2017 20:43

I find this very sad. I wouId try to get him to attend the next scan and see if it sparks some fight from him. Other than that there is nothing much you can do.

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:44

@RyanStartedTheFire I really don't think they would get very far! I have already spoken to a solicitor and I think anyone who knows what's happened would not sanction his DM being in the presence of a child she desperately wanted aborted, aside from the fact she assaulted me of course which is on police record.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:44

@ToadsforJustice injunction if I have to. I want her nowhere near. I do not trust her.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 02/04/2017 20:45

Mary has said it much better than I could. This thread is taking a horrible tone.

LuluJakey1 · 02/04/2017 20:46

You are better off with no contact with this family.His relationship with her is lifelong and won't change now. They are both damaged and you will pick up the pieces as long as they live if you stay involved with them. Be glad to walk away.

DPotter · 02/04/2017 20:47

I would still put in a claim through Cms, if only yo demonstrate to him and his family that he has responsibilities.
As sad as it is to say this, I agree with other posters that you should seriously consider stepping back and focusing on your baby. You could leave the door open for him and let him know that, but sadly I don't think he will be able to join you. It's a very sad situation

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:50

@Maryhadalittlelambstew '...maybe his mum knows him better and understands his AS and ADHD better than you...' er, no. He was only diagnosed last year. At the risk of sounding bigheaded I have a doctorate and do research for a living so I'm pretty confident I know him and know a lot more about AS and ADHD than she does. In any case she is using his diagnoses as a way of controlling him.
'...called the police when you went round there' she phoned the police against his wishes.
'that is a pretty clear message he doesn't want to see you' I respectfully disagree as he's never actually said that and is clearly very very unhappy at the moment. Until she got involved he wanted to see and be with me.

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 02/04/2017 20:50

I'm not quite sure about that suzie. I didn't drank, smoke, ate all the right foods and I still ended up with a child somewhat on the spectrum and none of my family members are on the spectrum. Despite what science says, I do believe it's genetic including environmental factors. Point being, having a child on the spectrum..or the person your having a child with is on the spectrum gives you a much higher chance that your next child or child with be on the spectrum. Severity doesn't come into it...your DP may be mild but that doesn't guarantee your child will be.

Wando1986 · 02/04/2017 20:50

He still lives with them? Hmm at that age?!

purplehaze24 · 02/04/2017 20:50

My husband has asperges and received quite intense therapy to learn coping mechanisms through his childhood and adolescence. His mother struggled to let him grow up and seemed happier with his drunken teenage behaviour which lasted way past his teens. He is a father now to 5 year old twins and while it's been tough it's definitely had more highs than lows. With my husband i found that very clearly defining my expectations helped him to manage the emotional difficulties the situation initially and still does throw at us.
I feel that if you can't get him to stand up to his mother, live with you and to commit to a relationship now then the chances of him managing once your baby has arrived are very slim.
As Mimi says involving him meens involving his mother which doesn't sound what you want or need for your baby
Hugs for you both Xx

Lucked · 02/04/2017 20:52

Although I can see your point I think it is fantasy to think he will break away from her he is 37 and dependent on her (just the money is a major tie) or that you can have a relationship with him without massive interference from her.

I think you should walk away and concentrate on your child. Even if he tried to get away he is going to run back to her when the going gets tough. Basically he will always let you down, you have already seen it multiple times.