To think his mother is toxic and want to do something about it? (longish story)

[SuziePink]

Apologies for the length of this.

DP (37, I'm 29) has AS and ADHD and lives with his DM and stepdad. Together for 2 years, found out I was pregnant in early Jan. When I told DP we were a bit shocked but after some discussions I told him I was not willing/able/whatever to have an abortion because I knew I would regret it. He seemed to accept this but was having problems so I said he needed to talk to his DM and stepdad. Next time I saw him he said he'd told them and they thought I should have an abortion... so much for being supportive.

Less than a week later his DM has phoned my parents, who she'd never met let alone had their phone number, and arranged to meet them to discuss 'concerns'. Then DP sends me message saying he is 'unable to function in a relationship' which is news to me after being in a happy one for 2 years. My parents then receive a letter from his DM cancelling the meeting and explaining that I should have an abortion because my child will have 'severe autism' despite there being absolutely no scientific backing for this as well as the fact my DP does not have severe autism. My parents still want to meet. During the meeting she is in full theatrics saying how dependent my DP is on her (she's made him that way, nothing to do with AS or ADHD), how he's like a 'little boy', that sometimes she wishes he'd 'never been born', how it's cruel to bring a disabled child into the world as well as saying if I have the child it will 'kill [her]' etc etc... Does not listen to what my parents or I have to say at all.

A couple of weeks later he agrees to meet me then sends me an email at the last minute cancelling. I go round there anyway. His DM tells me I bully and manipulate DP, physically tries to push me away from him despite knowing I'm pregnant and then calls 999. However, police are very sympathetic to me and tell DP basically to stop ignoring me and be a man. Me and DP have a good conversation and agree to meet a couple of days later. However, by that time DM has got to him and convinced him that there's no point speaking to me and he must have a friend present because I'm such a bully. Unsurprisingly, we get nowhere.

Since then (about 6 weeks ago) I've barely heard from him and not seen him. His DM gives him money so he doesn't need to work, makes appointments with his GP etc, and basically controls his life as well as deciding for him that he cannot cope in a relationship and that he's 'incapable' of being a father to our child. I think he'd make a lovely father whether we're in a relationship or not. I've tried to ask members of family who I know for help but she's got wind of this and told him to tell me to stop (I can tell when he's merely repeating what she's said). All I want, and I've told him and his DM and stepdad, is a father for my child and for them to know their family. I have not asked for money or anything else from them.

I've since read Susan Forward's Toxic parents and am convinced she's a controlling toxic parent. AIBU to think this and AIBU to want to do something about it before she completely ruins his life by severing ties with me and what will probably be his only child? Oh yeah... she's an accredited counsellor.

I should probably mention I've been signed off from work with stress from mid-Feb to end of this month and have been seeing a counsellor myself.

@Haffiana are you willing to consider that telling someone who's going through a difficult time that they have been dumped over and over again, which I am perfectly aware of, is not helpful? As I have said, I know his mother and the poison she spreads very well because she tried it on my parents. For example, she told them I had told my ex I was on the pill, the implication being that I had lied to him in order to get pregnant on purpose, despite the fact he certainly knew I wasn't and hadn't been for over 5 years and would never had said this to her so she must have made it up to try to justify her pretty unreasonable stance that I should have an abortion. I am disagreeing with people who, like you, are making assumptions that I already know the answer to.

@ohfourfoxache I have read a little of the stately home thread but not posted myself, I find it a bit of a hard read if I'm being honest. I will buy Toxic Inlaws as my next book, thank you for the suggestion.

@QODRestYeMerryGentlemen we met through a mutual hobby and were friends for a few months of messaging everyday before getting together. We never really dated as I live a few hours drive away because of work so after the initial few months we both knew we really liked each other and it went on from there, we kind of immediately started spending whole weekends with each other because we hit it off so well and have so many similar interests. I was lucky enough to have a flexible job so came down to see him very regularly and he came to see me too once he'd got used to the idea.

Unfortunately I think one of the main ways his mother controls him is money, he simply doesn't have any of his own and I wouldn't put it past her to threaten to cut him off should he do anything she doesn't like. The way she is would put me off doing stuff and I'm pretty strong willed.

Do you feel that he's capable of having a job/earning his own money, thereby getting away from her? Or has she convinced him that he's too severe to have a job?

Btw it can be VERY hard reading, it can be a massive thing to come to terms with, even as an "outsider". You're not alone in that

@bigmac4me thank you so much, I am confused as to why so many posters are effectively blaming me for the situation. All I want is for him to be happy which he categorically is not at the moment. Saying that, all the time I've known him I've suspected he has had an underlying unhappiness because he's not in control of his own life. Unfortunately although I get on really well with his stepdad (we both love science and have had some pretty nerdy conversations about things like the effect of the size of coffee grinds on the flavours and contact time needed between the water and grounds...) he is also very much under DM's influence. For example, he works and she doesn't but she spends his money how she wants to and dictates where they go on holiday. I think he is also reticent to tell her what to do with her son even though there are things that aren't right and most people would not want to financially support their 37 year old stepson. They married when DP was in his 20s so he has no parental responsibility either having never adopted him. He did admit that until a few years ago he thought DP would be able to go out and work and have a normal life and DP's biological dad still believes that... which makes me think that someone has changed his mind in the meantime.

@ohfourfoxache she has convinced him that he can never hold down a job because he's too ill but he doesn't claim any benefits. To be honest I hate working 9-5 and prefer to work when I feel like it as my work needs a bit of creativity and problem solving which sometimes occurs at odd times, so I can well understand anyone that doesn't want a normal job! I always imagined that he would start off with volunteering or very casual work, particularly anything to do with cars, and ease more into it from there if he was ok with it. I believe, with a bit of flexibility so he doesn't feel stressed or if he has a migraine he's not going to feel guilty/get shouted at, he could work at least part time. Certainly with something like income support and/or ESA he could be fairly independent. The sticking point is that he needs moral support from his DM and stepdad to do that which I don't think they'll ever do as it's too convenient for them to have a houseboy who trims the hedges, washes the cars etc.

The more you write the worse it sounds

If he managed to live independently of his mother for a time, why didn't he get a job then?

Has he qualifications? Did he go to university?

@ohfourfoxache I know... I couldn't have posted all the detail in the original post. It's all such a mess, both of us miserable with DM busy manipulating and spreading poison in the meantime. I'm really scared he could lose another load of his life to being badly depressed.

@Nanny0gg he has an HND, funnily enough shortly after he moved back in with his mother he suffered very badly from anxiety for a while. He was supposed to convert the HND into a degree but something prevented him. I'm unsure as to whether this was around the time him and his ex split up or if something else was involved. I'm pretty sure that as soon as he expressed any doubt (as I think it's normal to do when studying) DM would have said to just give it up.

but dont you think then if he lived away an has studied if he really wanted to he could tell his dm to leave him and you alone

Not always that easy Gabs - sounds like he's spent his whole life being brainwashed

yes that could well be but she obviously had no hold of him when he moved out

You say he was depressed after he split with his ex and then returned home.
I wonder if this was when she started her 'work' on him, convincing him he was ill and helpless.
If he wasn't diagnosed with AS till late in life it must be fairly mild.
Similar happened to my friend, she was forced to return home due to sever depression and her controlling mother did a right number on her. She's now in her 40's and still controlled by the cow.

Honestly if I were you I'd start being more selfish. Protect the baby from this bitch by not putting his name on birth cert. She may make your life he'll by getting him to seek access then your poor child will be exposed to the toxicity.

I know you love him but you can't save him. He has to do that himself.

@GabsAlot he has lived with DM for a good 14 years now, about 6 years he spent going to college and having an active social life, 5 years he spent severely depressed, 2 years with me... she's had more than enough time to rebrainwash him as ohfourfoxache said. He seems to have lost whatever motivation he had as a young man to have his own life. He's perfectly able to say when he doesn't want something that I suggest, like when I was looking at a job in Paris and asked him if he would ever consider living abroad, but finds it very difficult if not impossible to say no to her even to the point of us having to go out and buy food for me for family gatherings every single time, I'm vegetarian and no one else is, because she can't be bothered and doesn't understand why I don't eat meat.

@starskey80 he was already living with her when he and his ex spilt up but because he lost contact with many of his friends he then went into a hole. I think this is when she really went to town on him when he had so little outside influence. It's in total contrast to one of my friends who suffered from severe depression while she was living with her parents who told her they would support her so she could quit her job which was one of the factors and then helped her to get treatment and a job when she was ready. She moved out once she was ready and has a very good relationship with them. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It's beyond me how people can treat anyone like that let alone their own child.

The thing is with the birth certificate is that I don't want to punish him at the same time. I'm pretty happy to fight to keep her from interfering if he wants to have contact.

Sorry to keep adding more but things keep popping up in my head. I've still got a fair amount of stuff round DP's house, I've asked him about picking it up but had no response to that at all and obviously I don't want to just go round there based on what happened before. I'm really unsure what to do about it.

I'm Really sorry you are going through this, but you need to let him go.

Concentrate on you and your baby from now on.

I agree with EC22. OP you sound lovely and really caring, but you are a rescuer and that is a hide onto nothing.

Not putting him on the birth certificate is not punishing him. Birth certs are just documents, it doesn't mean that you will refuse to let him spend time with his child. I didn't put my ex on my dd's birth certificate but I always encouraged their relationship and they are actually very close now.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but he is not a princess in a castle and you a knight in shining armour. If he made an effort himself, you could support it, but he is being incredibly passive in this tug of war between you and his mother.

It sounds like an awful situation but it's not your job to fix it. Do your best for the baby, make it clear that he can see the baby when he wants and then take a giant step back and leave him to work it out for himself.

It sounds as if he is completely dependent on his parents. If DPM threatened to 'cut him off' if he carried on seeing you he may feel that he has no choice.
TBH if he is ''only mildly affected' as you claim OP then he has chosen to live with his parents. This may be the result of long term emotional manipulation but it is still his choice.
You've made your choice, he's made his and your situation is similar to that of the OW.

OP, if it was a failed contraception, and you still want to keep baby(Which I would definitely agree) why are to trying to include somebody who aren't willing to celebrate baby's birth in his/her life?

I still can see why your dp's mum is concerned though. I think like pp says, it's quite common thing that asd runs in family. And some people with asd do manage to have their own life, unlike your dp, who still lives with his mum.

Ok I am not trying to 'rescue' him, he is perfectly capable of living without his mother but years of abuse have made that difficult and he is desparately unhappy. It's not about 'winning' either, it's about making sure he knows what he wants and that this isn't a huge mistake that will further push him under her control, maybe forever. He has never said he doesn't want to see me or that he wants nothing to do with the baby. I know he loves me because he said so and he agreed to go to counselling with me with the view to improving the situation for us both, not get back together or anything. But his mother said she was against that and has influenced him since then to do nothing about it. It's obvious to me from communications that he feels very conflicted and does not want things to be like this but his mother is so controlling he can't stand up to her or find a way out.

As I said, I feel that if I give up it will further cement her power over both him and me. He has problems with assertiveness which his mother well knows. I plan to send him weekly 'bumpdates' which he can read or not.

I have stuff at their house, including a bike, that at some point I will need to deal with.

@irvineoneohone yes i know there is a genetic component but I'm happy with the risk and personally think it's shocking that she was suggesting a baby should be aborted because it may have ASD. Reminds me of eugenics.

also with the bc he has to phsyically tur nup to be put on it as youre not married

u cant make someone do something even if hes being blackmailed hes a man not a child

@GabsAlot perfectly aware he's a man, not a child. That's pretty much the whole point of this thread.