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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his mother is toxic and want to do something about it? (longish story)

240 replies

SuziePink · 02/04/2017 19:28

Apologies for the length of this.

DP (37, I'm 29) has AS and ADHD and lives with his DM and stepdad. Together for 2 years, found out I was pregnant in early Jan. When I told DP we were a bit shocked but after some discussions I told him I was not willing/able/whatever to have an abortion because I knew I would regret it. He seemed to accept this but was having problems so I said he needed to talk to his DM and stepdad. Next time I saw him he said he'd told them and they thought I should have an abortion... so much for being supportive.

Less than a week later his DM has phoned my parents, who she'd never met let alone had their phone number, and arranged to meet them to discuss 'concerns'. Then DP sends me message saying he is 'unable to function in a relationship' which is news to me after being in a happy one for 2 years. My parents then receive a letter from his DM cancelling the meeting and explaining that I should have an abortion because my child will have 'severe autism' despite there being absolutely no scientific backing for this as well as the fact my DP does not have severe autism. My parents still want to meet. During the meeting she is in full theatrics saying how dependent my DP is on her (she's made him that way, nothing to do with AS or ADHD), how he's like a 'little boy', that sometimes she wishes he'd 'never been born', how it's cruel to bring a disabled child into the world as well as saying if I have the child it will 'kill [her]' etc etc... Does not listen to what my parents or I have to say at all.

A couple of weeks later he agrees to meet me then sends me an email at the last minute cancelling. I go round there anyway. His DM tells me I bully and manipulate DP, physically tries to push me away from him despite knowing I'm pregnant and then calls 999. However, police are very sympathetic to me and tell DP basically to stop ignoring me and be a man. Me and DP have a good conversation and agree to meet a couple of days later. However, by that time DM has got to him and convinced him that there's no point speaking to me and he must have a friend present because I'm such a bully. Unsurprisingly, we get nowhere.

Since then (about 6 weeks ago) I've barely heard from him and not seen him. His DM gives him money so he doesn't need to work, makes appointments with his GP etc, and basically controls his life as well as deciding for him that he cannot cope in a relationship and that he's 'incapable' of being a father to our child. I think he'd make a lovely father whether we're in a relationship or not. I've tried to ask members of family who I know for help but she's got wind of this and told him to tell me to stop (I can tell when he's merely repeating what she's said). All I want, and I've told him and his DM and stepdad, is a father for my child and for them to know their family. I have not asked for money or anything else from them.

I've since read Susan Forward's Toxic parents and am convinced she's a controlling toxic parent. AIBU to think this and AIBU to want to do something about it before she completely ruins his life by severing ties with me and what will probably be his only child? Oh yeah... she's an accredited counsellor.

I should probably mention I've been signed off from work with stress from mid-Feb to end of this month and have been seeing a counsellor myself.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 02/04/2017 20:54

I'm pretty confident I know him and know a lot more about AS and ADHD than she does. In any case she is using his diagnoses as a way of controlling him.

She knows her son better than you, hands down. She's lived with him for 37 years and is acting as his support system.

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 20:54

@RyanStartedTheFire what horrible tone? I'm trying to do what is best for him and our child. His mother is clearly very controlling and is willing to make him miserable so that he stays with her. I perhaps haven't put absolutely everything I know about on her because I don't want to out myself or them but he is a very capable adult to the point where his DM and stepdad actually rely on him to do things for them... hardly the dependent child his DM would have everyone believe.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 02/04/2017 20:59

The tone isn't to do with you OP but some of the responses. People saying offensive things about a disabled man they've never met doesn't sit right with me.

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 21:00

@RyanStartedTheFire you do not know this woman. She thinks he tells her everything when he clearly doesn't. Her view of him is severely skewed. She hasn't lived with him all that time. She was not interested in him as a child, she was far more interested in her own life. He moved out when he was a teenager and lived with other people for quite a long time. When he went back to live with her she had already married for the third time and he was out at college and with his friends for most of his 20s. He's only been at home for significant periods since he was 30 and depressed for most of that. In any case, she is very self-centred and only sees what she wants to see which is that he is a little boy who is incapable of doing anything when I know that is not the case at all.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2017 21:00

I would just concentrate on you and your baby. If he's that capable, it does not bode well that he cannot stand on his two feet and be a supportive partner, that he has to fall back on his mum. There will forever be, 3 of you in that relationship.

user789653241 · 02/04/2017 21:00

I am more shocked at the fact you decided to have a baby with 37 years old man with no taxable income. Does that mean he is still dependent on his parents?
Then I would totally understand his mum's concern about him becoming a parent.

Trb17 · 02/04/2017 21:01

His DM sounds bloody awful.

If I was you I would let him know that your door is always open, that there's a place for him in your life with your DC to be should he want it, but that you will respectfully back away from the drama now so that you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without his DM causing problems and that if he chooses not to be part of your lives then that choice is solely his own making and you will raise DC and move on. Then the ball is in his court as it's only him that can grow a pair and break the ties with his definitely toxic DM.

Good luck Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2017 21:02

By the way I have a 10 year old daughter with moderate Autism, learning difficulties and developmental delay. I would live her to have a good relationship, and live her own life, I dunno, right now it's wishful thinking.

RandomMess · 02/04/2017 21:04

So he's become his parents carer? It's all very co-dependent...

Just remain bright and breezy in your communication with him, the dropbox sounds a good thing. Invite him to come over and see you etc.

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 02/04/2017 21:12

I honestly think his mum is more likely to know how his conditions affect him than you. Have you lived together? Having a doctorate is great but actually living with someone with these conditions is a different ball game. He wanted to be with you until you got pregnant it seems. Then there became a lot of responsibility and need for him to work, provide etc. The same pressures that any person who is going to become a parent would feel but with AS and ADHD to contend with I can imagine he's feeling pretty panicked. Of course you are welcome to disagree, you know a hell of a lot more about the situation than anyone and you seem to be adding more information as you go but I honestly think you cannot "save" him or force him into being with you or being a dad. In your shoes I would be stepping away if for no other reason than his mum being controlling and manipulating as you say she is.

Also you said he physically pushed you away from him and then dialled 999...sorry if I misread but that sounds like he called 999 himself because he wanted to. I agree he sounds incredibly unhappy at the moment.

I'm sorry but the way you describe yourself as knowing him better comes across as the way you describe your feelings about his mum...that she mistakenly knows whats best for him. I'm not trying to be harsh and wont post any further if you would like me to stop.

I wish you and your baby all the best Flowers

LanaorAna1 · 02/04/2017 21:14

if DP were to move into your place, could you realistically provide the care and support a mentally disabled adult and a baby need and work full-time? That's quite a load.

Does he get ESA? If so, could you apply for carer's allowance to care for your DP? Might help you financially.

ohfourfoxache · 02/04/2017 21:15

I'm really sorry if I've offended with my previous post but I have to confess that I really, really don't understand how his mother can infantilise him and he just seems to accept it? This is a grown man who is clearly capable of having a long term, loving relationship Confused

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 21:15

I really want to emphasise that I'm well aware that walking away from the situation is an option. It's more that I feel this would be giving in and giving his DM what she wants, further proving that she is indeed in control and potentially making DP even more vulnerable and leaving him open to more years of abuse.

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelambstew · 02/04/2017 21:20

Its not giving up, its doing the sensible thing for you and your baby. It doesn't need to be a case of winning him away or "saving him", From what you've said it doesn't sound like he wants or needs to be "saved". He called the police, he wont see you alone, hes told you he's unstable in a relationship. Just let him know the door is open if he wants to be involved (but be aware that that almost certainly will mean his mum will be involved too) and walk away. It probably hurts like hell but honestly I just can't see this ending well otherwise.

RyanStartedTheFire · 02/04/2017 21:20

This is a grown man who is clearly capable of having a long term, loving relationship 
They don't live together, he's not capable and/or available to work. Being able to love someone doesn't make people not disabled anymore. Maybe he is infantilised or maybe that's just his life/capabilities.

Haffiana · 02/04/2017 21:22

OP you are on to a hiding to nothing. You have been dumped by your DP and all the rest doesn't matter in the slightest as it isn't yours to control. So his mother is a shit and it is all her fault and he is a wuss and this is his only chance of a child - whatever. You have been dumped. You aren't going to get what you want which is a father for your child. You aren't. It is horrible but you have been dumped. Forget what he says when you are alone because it clearly isn't true and it won't change anything.

Look forwards. You need to clear your head of all the feelings of outrage and start planning your future with your child.

LanaorAna1 · 02/04/2017 21:27

OP, don't obsess with winning the fight with your ex-never-was-MIL.

In a few months you'll have your own baby - leave hers with her.

WobblyLegs5 · 02/04/2017 21:27

From what is known about develope mental disorders there is a high genetic component. With adhd 5 or 6 times the average if either parent has adhd - so that hits the 30%- asd is spoken of at least the same if not higher with the professionals I deal with.

Now this parts not research- but every single parent, more women than men, who I know from support groups or online support groups or from peer support worker roles in the past who have asd or adhd themselves have atleast one child diagnosed with it, most of us it's all our children. Plus an assortment of other diagnosis or suspected diagnosis ontop of what we have ourselves. It isn't so much about putting early counciling into place, because neurodevelopemental disorders arn't curable, but about finding the right way to parent differently, to set their lives up so there are less challenges and more accessible successes, about the optimal Meds for adhd or for knock on effects of asd like anxiety, sleep problems etc.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2017 21:35

It's not about winning a fight, but putting you and your baby first. Mary has really hit the nail on the head.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/04/2017 21:47

When you have your lovely little baby there is every chance this woman will decide she wants another baby to control. Your DP could go to court for 50% access and the baby would be living at your MILs for half of his life.

In your position I would be running for the hills.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 02/04/2017 21:57

With the greatest of respect, the mother might have known him longer, but Suzie might know him better. My mother thought she knew me - she really didn't

notbankinonit · 02/04/2017 22:07

How close do they live? I would be saying I'd had an abortion, and cutting loose in case his mother decided he should go to court for contact/parental rights and she facilitated it and got control of my baby that way.
If he was up to the job, he would be with you now.

Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 22:12

@irvineoneohone there was no decision. It was a contraceptive failure and I am unwilling and unable to have an abortion. But thanks for seeing the wider picture here and blaming me.

@Maryhadalittlelambstew no his mother was pushing me away from him, he told her to stop which she then did, she then called 999 against his wishes. I have always known and made clear to him that I do not expect him to provide for me, I'm highly qualified and been independent for a long time and it would simply not be fair for me to expect that from him.

@LanaorAna1 although he's got AS and ADHD he can look after himself very well except for not enjoying cooking all that much! I would be more supporting than looking after him, mostly because he's not been allowed to take on adult responsibilities, until the point where he got used to being more independent.

@ohfourfoxache years and years of abuse, being told he can't do this, shouldn't do that, that he looks 'unwell' or 'tired' and should cancel his plans.

@Haffiana thank you very much for your helpful comments. I wasn't aware I had been 'dumped'.

@WobblyLegs5 I'm well aware these things cannot be cured. I said therapy would change the outcome which is different.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuziePink · 02/04/2017 22:14

I've made it very very clear that I am not having an abortion. She as a grandparent has no access rights at all and I would be very very surprised if he ever went for access. I am not scared in any way of her trying to take my child from me. She would not be successful.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 02/04/2017 22:21

Oh Christ she sounds beyond awful Sad

Unfortunately sometimes, asd or not, toxic parents can play a huge role in ensuring their offspring's unhappiness.

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