To think his mother is toxic and want to do something about it? (longish story)

[SuziePink]

Apologies for the length of this.

DP (37, I'm 29) has AS and ADHD and lives with his DM and stepdad. Together for 2 years, found out I was pregnant in early Jan. When I told DP we were a bit shocked but after some discussions I told him I was not willing/able/whatever to have an abortion because I knew I would regret it. He seemed to accept this but was having problems so I said he needed to talk to his DM and stepdad. Next time I saw him he said he'd told them and they thought I should have an abortion... so much for being supportive.

Less than a week later his DM has phoned my parents, who she'd never met let alone had their phone number, and arranged to meet them to discuss 'concerns'. Then DP sends me message saying he is 'unable to function in a relationship' which is news to me after being in a happy one for 2 years. My parents then receive a letter from his DM cancelling the meeting and explaining that I should have an abortion because my child will have 'severe autism' despite there being absolutely no scientific backing for this as well as the fact my DP does not have severe autism. My parents still want to meet. During the meeting she is in full theatrics saying how dependent my DP is on her (she's made him that way, nothing to do with AS or ADHD), how he's like a 'little boy', that sometimes she wishes he'd 'never been born', how it's cruel to bring a disabled child into the world as well as saying if I have the child it will 'kill [her]' etc etc... Does not listen to what my parents or I have to say at all.

A couple of weeks later he agrees to meet me then sends me an email at the last minute cancelling. I go round there anyway. His DM tells me I bully and manipulate DP, physically tries to push me away from him despite knowing I'm pregnant and then calls 999. However, police are very sympathetic to me and tell DP basically to stop ignoring me and be a man. Me and DP have a good conversation and agree to meet a couple of days later. However, by that time DM has got to him and convinced him that there's no point speaking to me and he must have a friend present because I'm such a bully. Unsurprisingly, we get nowhere.

Since then (about 6 weeks ago) I've barely heard from him and not seen him. His DM gives him money so he doesn't need to work, makes appointments with his GP etc, and basically controls his life as well as deciding for him that he cannot cope in a relationship and that he's 'incapable' of being a father to our child. I think he'd make a lovely father whether we're in a relationship or not. I've tried to ask members of family who I know for help but she's got wind of this and told him to tell me to stop (I can tell when he's merely repeating what she's said). All I want, and I've told him and his DM and stepdad, is a father for my child and for them to know their family. I have not asked for money or anything else from them.

I've since read Susan Forward's Toxic parents and am convinced she's a controlling toxic parent. AIBU to think this and AIBU to want to do something about it before she completely ruins his life by severing ties with me and what will probably be his only child? Oh yeah... she's an accredited counsellor.

I should probably mention I've been signed off from work with stress from mid-Feb to end of this month and have been seeing a counsellor myself.

OP, I am trying to word this so as not to seem offensive, because of course I do not know your DP, only my 3 adult sons with varying degrees of ASD, one of whom has the worst ADHD you can imagine. What I wanted to say is that all of my sons rely on "someone" to help them with the parts of life they cannot cope with alone. One of my sons is in a relationship and although it's awful to put into words is cared for by her and her mother in the ways he is unable to manage. They now do what my husband and I once did. I guess not everyone could do that, as it can be an unequal relationship. But of course those on the AS can have incredible talents also - one son may never work or be able to live independently but he can fix any electrical device or computer problem straight away! I wish you luck.

@bigmac4me that's not offensive at all! He would perhaps find managing money and bills difficult but that is possibly because he's not been allowed to, it's never been a big deal for me as I've lived on my own since I was 23 so am used to all the faffing involved. He's very good with cars and always fixed things on my car, nagged me about tyres etc as well as supported me when I was having problems at work last year so I've never really thought I would be caring for him in the traditional sense. He needs a bit of organising sometimes but then so does my dad and most of my male friends.

I should add that the controlling mother stuff is not my imagination. On speaking to someone who has known him for years, he remarked without prompting how his mother has built walls in his mind, that DP is in prison and needs to not only find the key but want to unlock the door as well as adding he had hoped our relationship would facilitate this.

if he has survived alone for many years he could stand up to her

he hasnt-so just walk away

I've typed and retyped this and it's coming out wrong. What you've posted makes me uncomfortable in ways I can't articulate (and I have a dc with mild asd myself.)

Essentially, I hope you can let go of the battle you seem determined to wage with the dm (there are no winners there) and just focus on giving your child the most functional upbringing possible given the circumstances.

He doesn't want to be with you OP. If you don't believe that drop all contact and see if he gets in touch. If he loves you and wants to be in your life in any capacity, lover, partner, friend...whatever.., he will find a way to contact you. One minute he's independent and mostly a very well man the next he's a vulnerable adult living in an abusive enviroment. If he has had years of abuse, being told he should or can't or whatever then how did he manage to have a (to you) fulfilling and loving relationship for 2 years?And why would that have come crashing down upon finding out you were pregnant for any other reason than he doesn't want a baby or a relationship with you anymore? And it can't be just because he went to his mum for advice upon your request because if she's as toxic and controlling as you say she is given that she lives with the guy, she'd already be pretty involved with his day to day stuff. It doesn't make sense. And I don't think its anything to do with her not liking you, I think its do to with her being concerned about her recently diagnosed son coming to her looking for support as a vulnerable person when he has been given the news he is unexpectedly and unwantingly going to be a dad. If that was my son, who is currently 9 and also has AS and ADHD, I would want to help him and if that meant calling the police when an ex girlfriend had come round after he had told her he didn't want to see her then I would do that. Its harassment. If someone tells you they don't want to see you, especially a vulnerable person, then you don't go. And if he wanted to see them but was feeling nervous then I would want him to have someone he felt safe with there.

As a PP said, you have been dumped and if his mother is as abusive or toxic as you say why on earth are you not running for the hills and thanking your lucky stars that she isn't hell bent on getting her claws into your baby. I really think if you push this, once she sees your beautiful baby she will go all gooey and push your ex DP for 50/50 custody which he will get but with his disabilities he will need extra support and that will likely fall to his mum...enter pyscho grandma. You will then spent the next 18 years fighting with them over petty little issues, be forced to have contact with her and, even worse, be nice to/about her for your baby's sake.

Please, don't try to save someone who doesn't need or want to be saved. Leave the door open, enjoy your pregnancy and treasure your little baby.

@Haffiana thank you very much for your helpful comments. I wasn't aware I had been 'dumped'.

Unfortunately this is the truth. You think he wants to be a lovely father really but his bad Mummy is stopping him. OP, the Relationships board is full of people who think that their OH would stop being an arse and would behave wonderfully towards them if they just did X or Y or if Z happened. You need to step back from this, particularly as it is making you unwell.

im with the pp saying run for the hills! Id seriously consider not naming him on the birth certificate just because he mother could manipulate him into making yours and your childs life a nightmare.

I think he will have to choose between his mother and you.

Until then, you need to stop battling and look after yourself and the baby (congratulations). You may have to assume you will going it alone.

The relationships board also has a lot of posters who say that their dh/dp/oh is deep in FOG and that the ILs are toxic.....and that's where a disability hasn't been diagnosed

Wish you weren't going through this Suzie - it sounds truly shit

@Maryhadalittlelambstew I really don't think you know enough about the situation to make these assumptions. I never said he was independent, I said he is capable of that and has not been allowed to. She is extremely controlling and manipulative to the point where I did not realise the extent until all this happened. She is not trying to protect him, she is trying to protect herself and her life. I know that for certain. She had no business seeing my parents and trying to persuade them to persuade me to have an abortion, accusing me of being manipulative and basically telling her son that I've been abusive when I clearly haven't. And the fact she didn't engage with me about it rings alarm bells. I've said many many times that he did not want the police to be called, he spoke to me of his own free will at that point, his mother obviously persuaded him between the two meetings that I am toxic rather than leaving us to discuss things between ourselves. Just because you have child with ASD does not mean you know my ex or the situation well.

@bigmac4me that's not offensive at all! He would perhaps find managing money and bills difficult but that is possibly because he's not been allowed to, it's never been a big deal for me as I've lived on my own since I was 23 so am used to all the faffing involved. He's very good with cars and always fixed things on my car, nagged me about tyres etc as well as supported me when I was having problems at work last year so I've never really thought I would be caring for him in the traditional sense. He needs a bit of organising sometimes but then so does my dad and most of my male friends

Glad you understood my meaning. My husband leaves all the financial stuff to me and can't fix a car either, so you may have the better deal!

I'm wondering if when your baby becomes more of a reality this may well be the incentive he needs to become more independent of his mother. I hope so, for the sake of you all.

@Haffiana I was being sarcastic.

I should add that the controlling mother stuff is not my imagination. On speaking to someone who has known him for years, he remarked without prompting how his mother has built walls in his mind, that DP is in prison and needs to not only find the key but want to unlock the door as well as adding he had hoped our relationship would facilitate this

Maybe your relationship alone couldn't, but perhaps being a parent will. My daughter and son in law, both very young parents, changed out of all recognition once their baby arrived. They are the most wonderful parents ever - a fact that was hard to imagine at the beginning of the pregnancy.

Suzie if it possible that there is a degree of Munchausens (?sp) from his mother? As in trying to persuade him that he's worse than he actually is?

Totally with Mary here, he's a lost cause really, keep the door open, but you have a little one to focus on now. You will have to go this alone without his support.

@bigmac4me thank you and me too. One thing I'm worried about, because I care, is that he will regret the way he's treated me and will want to know his child but will think it's all too late, if he's not regretting it already that is, and storing up yet more problems for the future, especially when his DM shuffles off this mortal coil. I'm trying very hard to prevent myself from hating and resenting him for that reason.

He's just not that into you though is he.
Even if you could get him out of his mothers clutches he's been infantilised for 37 years.
There's unlikely to be a happy outcome.
You've just as much agenda as she has tbh, trying to fashion this guy into something he doesn't sound like he is.
I'd contact adult safeguarding to try and get him an advocate, but then leave him to it. If he's bothered he'll find you.

Because I have a child with AS and ADHD it means I have known, loved and lived with someone with similar conditions to your ex for 9 years. I haven't said that I understand your ex or the situation well. The only facts I have are what you tell me and they seem to change.

I think you have made your mind up to not "lose" to your ex's mum. And honestly I feel sorry for everyone involved. It shouldn't be a fight over this bloke, he's ditched you pregnant in a fairly roundabout way. I'm actually inclined to agree with his mum. If he's someone who can be easily manipulated and controlled its possible that you are doing so to. As I said, if he has been able to have a relationship with you for 2 years, if you stop contact now and he wants to be in your life he will get in touch. Otherwise I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Good luck,

@ohfourfoxache yes definitely. He suffers from migraines sometimes (and has done since he was a child) and, surprise surprise, I got the blame for that despite the fact I researched the best methods and new drugs to relieve them, which actually improved things for him. Her method of treatment is to tell him to lie down and not do anything at all. She is certainly trying to make out the Asperger's is worse than it is and somehow is severe autism, even though I've worked with people who are on the higher side of ASD and know exactly what that looks like. She herself does nothing all day and has very little to focus on except for making sure he's kept in his place by telling him he's ill and unable to do things.

@Maryhadalittlelambstew I am extremely offended that you think I am capable of manipulating him despite everything I've posted on here.

@Haffiana I was being sarcastic.

Yes I know. I wasn't, nor was I responding to your sarcasm.

You know, you are being very dismissive of any posts that do not agree with your view of what is happening and that raises alarm bells with me.

Can you perhaps consider that you are not seeing things the way they are? Your partner has left you - this is the only fact. He hasn't come back. You do not think that this is his fault, and that he was made to do it somehow because his mind was poisoned. Can you not just consider that this is not a rational or even useful way to look at the facts?

No matter what happens now, I would seriously recommend that you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. Even if things don't eventually work out, it will give you some good coping strategies for when you inevitably come across toxic people in life.

You might want to have a look at the Stately Homes threads on here. Loads of support available from people who are at various stages of recognising toxicity.

How did you meet him? How did you date?
He must be independent in some ways?

@bigmac4me thank you and me too. One thing I'm worried about, because I care, is that he will regret the way he's treated me and will want to know his child but will think it's all too late, if he's not regretting it already that is, and storing up yet more problems for the future, especially when his DM shuffles off this mortal coil. I'm trying very hard to prevent myself from hating and resenting him for that reason

I think you are being given such a hard time on this thread. I admit I started reading it somewhat identifying with his terrible mother. I thought of all the agencies and professionals we have to "fight" to get a child on the AS the help they need in their childhood, and thought her behaviour was just an extension of this. However with every post of yours I began to realise that she really was toxic and would be just as toxic no matter what the needs of her child. And I almost feel him being suffocated.

But you have two things that are precious. Firstly you are having a child, his child. My AS sons have not had a child BUT they adore their baby nephew and I have seen them grow and learn and be responsible with him, in ways I did not realise they would be. I also know it took the birth of my grandson for my son in law to finally stand up against the toxic people from his past too.

As a mother (though hopefully not too toxic) I fear two things for my sons in their adult lives. I fear that someone will come along and treat them as a child themselves, control them, use them for their own needs, and my sons would go along with them for a quiet life, and also maybe because they did not have the skills to stand up to them. But I also fear that someone will come along who ignores their special needs, expects them to behave as society demands, does not understand that they find some things difficult or they will react in ways that are not the norm. Someone who demands their normality!

You are neither of these women. You do not want to control him, you accept he has issues and will need some support, and he will equally support you at other times too. You will understand when he behaves in ways his condition demand, and accept that as part of him. And because of this I really believe you could both make it work, if you can somehow get over the hurdle of his mother. You are the kind of DIL I hope one day to have.

Could his step-father be of any help?