Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate living in what isn't practically solitary confinement

239 replies

user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 08:14

I have no idea how I've managed to end up like this. I've been at university most of my life. I've not worked in paid work during that time. When I finished my course I was unemployed for almost two years but have managed to get two days work (at most, im bank staff) working each week. Sometimes I get no work for upto three weeks.

I moved to a hell hole of a place when I got pregnant, to be nearer to His family. I was 21. We split shortly after my Son was born and for 7 years I have basically wasted here.

I don't fit in. I have a PHD and apparently a 'posh' voice which is laughed at regularly. When I do get to know people I'm more a point of amusement than anything else. I've never had this problem anywhere else I've lived.

My ex and his family moved 40 mins away.

So now, I have a council house, in a rough area, where I literally know no one. I see no one. I spend almost every day on my own in a small 2 bed house surrounded by only my 6 year old for company (and he's not really any company even though I love him).

I do have two friends who live in the nearest city but I am so poor I can't afford to do anything. Visit them, go to soft play centres, go to any of the facilities in the nearest city. I don't even have a supermarket round here so get my shopping online.

There is very little round here. Not even a supermarket and I can't afford to travel around.

My son is fine as he ha school and then goes to his dads where he does fun things at the weekend.

I'm keeping going by applying for full time work and once I have a full time job I will be fine. Adult company, people I have things in common with to make friends with and a reason to get up in the morning.

Right now I spend almost every single day alone. With nowhere to go, no one to see. I'd rather be in prison!!!

I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence in solitary confinement and spend all my days listening to music and going on my phone as I have to do something for stimulation.

I know I'm not the only one who lives this sort of isolated life. How do those of you in similar situation cope?

Aibu to feel like I'm going be from lack of mental stimulation? I'm so so so bored.

OP posts:
Lowdoorinthewal1 · 02/04/2017 21:05

Or just join the PTA at his school if he isn't into anything extra-curricular yet.

purpleshortcake · 02/04/2017 21:22

Could you find a recruitment consultant who specialises in your field and ask them to give you a "mock interview" and be brutal in their feedback. Explain your concerns. It could add to the feedback you are going to get from the lady that interviewed you recently but they can give you the "watts and all" version if you ask for it. It may be something simple like not making eye contact or not using specific enough examples or just not coming across as confident. I am in recruitment and would be happy to do this for someone in my field of speciality. You are getting invited to interviews so your CV is selling you well. Chin up...a few tweaks and I'm sure you'll succeed Flowers

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:32

His Dad pays maintenance but often not on time and half the amount he's supposed to. I'm currently trying to do collect and pay. He only has to pay £30 a week though as he left a good job to work in a call centre.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:34

My parents are not well off at all. Very poor actually.
That's why they can't help me financially.

They own their home outright but that's their only financial asset.

OP posts:
Lowdoorinthewal1 · 02/04/2017 21:38

So could you get involved with something your DS does?

GabsAlot · 02/04/2017 21:39

one minute u say u cant moe then u can because you'll move you sons school?

why would your friend move there if theres apparently nothing there

your posts arent making sense

Darbs76 · 02/04/2017 21:43

Hi, I think you're doing the right thing applying for jobs that you're qualified for and not just taking any job. I also think you're right to stay in Manchester. I grew up in north wales and moved to London 16yrs ago with my then 7yr old as a single parent and yes it was incredibly lonely and even now although I have a lot of work / school mum friends (I had 2 more children) my true friends and all family are in Wales. But the jobs weren't hence I moved and now children too settled / contact with their dad so I couldn't move back. You will have much more chance of finding the work you do near a large city. I'd stay put. I agree with you then once you've got a full time job your life will be a lot better, you will make local friends and have much more income so I'd hang on in there.

Can the local job centre help you with interviewing techniques? I'm sure there must be some courses. Make sure jobs that you didn't get provide feedback etc.

I'm sure things will improve soon, keep on applying and get help with interviewing and fingers crossed it will all come together

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:46

I'm not moving anywhere. I'd only move my son to a different school that is still walking distance to my house.

My parents wouldn't live in this area for anything. But it neighbours some much nicer areas which they would be willing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:48

Same with my friend.

This place is awful but there's some much nicer parts. None of it is where I would like to live as there's not much here but they could afford to be in a better part.

OP posts:
ChoccyJules · 02/04/2017 21:48

Having a couple of friends who are qualified teachers and have nkw moved into working as TAs means I was a bit Hmm about your classing that job as mundane (though I grant you they did it to relieve out of hours stress), however from what you've said you're clearly looking at the Health sector and don't feel any kind of pull towards working in schools.
It does sound as though you are thinking rather narrowly about your opportunities for work, though. I get that your field may be niche but so far you haven't made it and how long are you prepared to wait?
Finally there are a vast array of volunteering opportunities, for example I volunteer in two museums, doing two different roles. I know travel is difficult but what about doing that (or library work)somewhere linked to your interests?

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:49

Thanks Darbs76.

The jobs in North Wales are very sparse. I miss my friends and family loads and it's very hard to replicate childhood friends but I know I can feel less isolated if I make some local ones.

Moving is not the best option.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:50

I've been qualified a mere 6 months.

If I'm still unable to find full time work in a year that different but it's only 6 months since doing my PHD.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 02/04/2017 21:53

Exactly, you will make new friends once you're in a permanent job. Although they won't replace childhood friends you will still meet some lovely people and I do have close friends here. Jobs in north wales are hard to come by, once I finished Uni I knew I'd have to move. I don't regret it

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:54

This is an area where there is the highest concentration of work. That's why I've not moved. I'm in Manchester. There won't be anywhere with more opportunities outside of London.

OP posts:
LastnightaDJ · 02/04/2017 21:54

All well talks a lot of sense a few posts back - her story is interesting and I think relevant to you...good luck!

Glitterbaby17 · 02/04/2017 21:54

Without being harsh - you say that the feedback has been that other candidates gave stronger answers and so you feel the problem is your interview technique. As a hiring manager who probably interviews people at your level if you're 28 (I'm 33 and is possibly a similar field as most of my candidates have a masters or more) I would suggest not reading too much into that. It's fairly standard feedback as being too specific can put the employer at risk.

It's great that this employer has offered to give you face to face feedback - I'd encourage you to ask her to be really honest and assure her that you won't be upset or offended. Just in case there's something else holding you back, or you are shooting too high up the ladder. A lot of my candidates have done voluntary work or admin level roles before coming into my team, and it does put them in a much stronger position for interview than those who haven't, even if on paper the others are also qualified. As most interviewing these days is competency based it's really important to have real life examples, rather than talking about what you would do.

Darbs76 · 02/04/2017 21:55

6 months is very little time when looking for a job in the field you want. It took me a good 7/8 months once I finished Uni to find my job, and then another 3 to go through security etc. I'd keep on applying for the specialist role you've spent years studying for. Getting a PHD is an amazing achievement, I certainly wouldn't be recommending you to take a cleaning job after all that effort. Whilst it's good to have an income it's also quite an effort applying for jobs so it's harder to get a job sometimes when you're too busy doing a job. Give it more time

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 21:56

It's difficult Darbs.

ive been told by my managers that taking a job in a lower paid position won't help me get my foot in the door. It won't help me network. I don't know if that's true but the advice has been to just keep applying and concentrate on that rather than take full time work.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 02/04/2017 21:59

I'd take that advice then and keep on looking for longer. Like you say if you still don't have a job in 6 months time you might have to reconsider your options. But for now I'd consider seeking out the specialist jobs

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 22:00

Thanks Darbs.

I believe my feedback is genuine.
My answers aren't strong enough. But I'm working on that. I've also had two very very positive feedbacks so sometimes I get it right.

I'm fantastic if the interviewers are warm and friendly. It's when they're cold I don't do well.

So I'm working on that.

OP posts:
animaniac · 02/04/2017 22:08

I'm confused - I also live in Saddleworth and certainly would not describe it as deprived. There is also more than one train an hour into Manchester, and bus links are very good (I can't think of anywhere in Saddleworth that takes 2 bus changes to get to Manchester).

sems · 02/04/2017 22:08

Can you not go home to we're your family and friends are?

sems · 02/04/2017 22:09

They have professional jobs in wales I'm sure? Schools? Go back home!

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 22:10

Well you don't live where I live then.

I'm in saddleworth and there is one train every hour. The bus goes to Oldham or Tameside but you then have to change to get into Manchester. It's a nightmare.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 22:11

I can't find permanent employment yet in Wales. If I do I would move back.

OP posts: