To hate living in what isn't practically solitary confinement

[user1490990350]

I have no idea how I've managed to end up like this. I've been at university most of my life. I've not worked in paid work during that time. When I finished my course I was unemployed for almost two years but have managed to get two days work (at most, im bank staff) working each week. Sometimes I get no work for upto three weeks.

I moved to a hell hole of a place when I got pregnant, to be nearer to His family. I was 21. We split shortly after my Son was born and for 7 years I have basically wasted here.

I don't fit in. I have a PHD and apparently a 'posh' voice which is laughed at regularly. When I do get to know people I'm more a point of amusement than anything else. I've never had this problem anywhere else I've lived.

My ex and his family moved 40 mins away.

So now, I have a council house, in a rough area, where I literally know no one. I see no one. I spend almost every day on my own in a small 2 bed house surrounded by only my 6 year old for company (and he's not really any company even though I love him).

I do have two friends who live in the nearest city but I am so poor I can't afford to do anything. Visit them, go to soft play centres, go to any of the facilities in the nearest city. I don't even have a supermarket round here so get my shopping online.

There is very little round here. Not even a supermarket and I can't afford to travel around.

My son is fine as he ha school and then goes to his dads where he does fun things at the weekend.

I'm keeping going by applying for full time work and once I have a full time job I will be fine. Adult company, people I have things in common with to make friends with and a reason to get up in the morning.

Right now I spend almost every single day alone. With nowhere to go, no one to see. I'd rather be in prison!!!

I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence in solitary confinement and spend all my days listening to music and going on my phone as I have to do something for stimulation.

I know I'm not the only one who lives this sort of isolated life. How do those of you in similar situation cope?

Aibu to feel like I'm going be from lack of mental stimulation? I'm so so so bored.

Yes I'm definitely depressed.

I think anyone would be in my circumstances.

It's a pretty miserable existence by anyone's standards. I've worked hard to get these qualifications.

I don't care if my posts are full of contradictions. I've not even worked out what my problem is so they are bound to have contradictions.

All I know is the advice of everyone, including all previous managers and academics is I mustn't go to Wales, as I won't get work in my field there. I agree and so I'm pretty much stuck here.

All along the south coast will be more accepting of you and your accent. Would you be able to find work in the south east or south west?

Imperial - yes, absolutely a PhD does. I guess it depends what skills employers are looking for though.

I wouldn't be hugely keen to hire someone (for an ordinary job, I'm not in a skilled line) who had the PhD and no work experience at all. If they folded clothes in a charity shop for 6 months, I would be more keen to hire them.

OP I guess you need to think but presumably whatever resources you are living on will run out eventually so do please think about it from that perspective.

Why do I have a feeling that even if you get full time work you still won't be happy.

OP you could have a browse on do-it.org for voluntary opportunities to see if anything grabs you?

There are some that are home based - your research and writing skills could be applied brilliantly to fundraising work for example.

Forget about your PhD - it is inconsequential unless you intend to work in that area. There are loads of phds around and when I interview someone if they go on about their PhD rather than actual work experience it normally isn't a good sign.
Sorry to be harsh. It sound like you need a change of mindset.

And you say moving back to your home town will make you happy and change your life. Then you say you don't want to do that:/
What you don't want to be happy?
Are you trying to save face from friends back home?
Your dad has a job back home for you. You have friends and family there. Why don't you go?

If I had full time work I'd be happy. Having no regular, permanent work is soul destroying.

Also set up a profile on LinkedIn if you haven't already, and use Twitter judiciously to follow people in your desired area of work and join conversations.

oh yy to Twitter - I forgot I found a friend job through there!

re volunteer work, I have met some really lovely people doing that too. It's not about the work, it's just nice to give something to the community and meeting local people has been good too (I've commuted into Central London for years and most of my friends don't live nearby but I met new local friends through voluntary work).

I have a LinkedIn.

In my last interview the hiring manager asked to meet me in person for feedback. She could clearly see how much potential I had so I'm meeting her next week to look at how to improve at interview. Which should be great.

That's excellent and you obviously made very good impression.
Do ask her for recommendations/advice about networking and to let you know of any opportunities she hears of that may be suitable for you.

Does you ex pay any maintenance?
If so you could do something you enjoy while ds at school. Join gym, meet up with friend etc. Get you out the house for a bit.

Well what I did when I was in a similar position was :

Cry everyday ( not that I recommend it) about what I had perceived that was lost and the time I was losing by not being employed in my field.

After a few months, decided that if life was going to give me lemons, might has well make lemonade of it. This was a gradual process that too accepting, not a light bulb moment. So :

• actively started talking to people in an effort to make more friends. Took some time and resolve as most people are busy with their lives and are not looking for new friends ( imo ). But was rewarding. Got fascinating and useful insights into other ways of life and doing things
• joined social media and got into touch / reconnected with the people I used to know. This doesn't cost a lot.
• invested in a cheap second hand bike and used it well.
• joined the local library and read up on books I was meaning to read but never had time.
• learnt new skills ( simple ones that everyone probably knew except me ) :improved my cooking , learnt to sew and generally become organised with everything in life.
• became more involved with any volunteering opportunity that came available. Left some after a few weeks but that was valuable too. Not just for cv but to understand what else I was good at. This is because volunteering in different unrelated projects brought out some previously unknown talents and skills.

Finally I got a job. Not my dream job but a job that would probably take me to my dream job in a few years time.

At the end of it, realised I had become someone who was more grateful, not so entitled, appreciative of effort and opportunities given. Also found I had now friends in the most unlikely of places, knew obscure facts , was a more rounded person. realised that I was more likeable that I had previously thought :) as several people from different fields comment on this.

Hang in there OP
The darkest hour is before dawn!

Hope this was even slightly useful. All the best!

Sorry if I'm being thick here but you keep saying you want full time employment yet the full time job you could take isn't good enough?

Take the job. Move away from the area you are now. Keep applying for jobs in your field and go from there. Keep your bank job for the holidays to keep those skills up.

What you're doing now isn't working. You can sit and brood or you can make changes.

Yes if you make it back to Wales and take the job you have been offered in Wales, then there is nothing to stop you from applying for jobs in your field. You will have gained experience for your cv then. Make sure you only apply for ones in places you would like to live. You just need to tell the employer that living in Wales was only temporary and you are happy to relocate.

I think the reason people are giving advice is because your OP doesn't say you didn't want advice.

I hope you're much less snippy in RL, or may have found your problem.

It's all well and good holding out for something perfect but most people have bills to pay while they look for something perfect. So your situation might be a little confusing for some.

Also, I'm not sure your repeated explanations of feeling "like a foreigner" is particularly nice.

People in underprivileged areas aren't necessarily racist, OP.

Oh sorry, I though you meant you had finished studying 7 years ago.

Would the job centre have help with interview techniques? If your qualifications are a bit niche maybe look at a similar field to work your way into your ideal job?

I'm sure once you get into work and meet like minded people things will improve. If you feel you are really depressed see your GP. Any social networking you can do apart from LinkedIn (I found it pretty useless)? Maybe voluntary teaching your subject for local schools if appropriate?

I am not sure why there are none of your specialist jobs in Wales. I did wonder if that's because you are hoping for an academic job, and there's only Cardiff really as a uni, whereas if you are around Manchester/Liverpool/Salford you are in an area that may have that type of work- but then unsure if that's what you meant, as it sounds like your bank job is connected with your qualification (PhD?)

In some ways you are in an ideal situation in that you are very flexible where you can move, that is if I've understand it correctly, then your son goes to dads on weekends (so could continue to do that if you moved away at least twice a month). I get that the council house situation is good, but being honest, the reason you have a council house relatively quickly is because it's not a hugely desirable area (which you yourself say) so even if you bought, prices are likely to be supressed for some time to come. I live in rental and would rather be in private rental in a nice two bed flat on a professional wage than sitting in a council house, albeit cheap, in an area I hated. Security of tenancy isn't worth that or worth compromising your career path for at your age.

Good luck with it all, you do need to change as you are becoming depressed and this will make it harder to get a job and move on, but you already know that! You sound a very intelligent and hard working person, you may just be having a dip after the PhD, this is very common when people try to work out 'what next?' but I have every faith you will pick yourself up out of this and do something great in the future.

Wales has a number of universities I believe. Cardiff, Swansea, Aberythswyth, Bangor and Lampeter are all ringing bells for me.

Yep loads of unis in Wales x

You are holding yourself back. You know you could be so much happier if you left your council house and unemployment behind. Why won't you do it?

Yes, that's true lots of unis I had overlooked- I don't know the OP's subject though so not sure why Wales wouldn't work with her career, or perhaps its in finance...

I don't think I would necessarily be happier if I took the TA job. I wouldn't enjoy it. I'd love being nearer my parents and my childhood friends but I'd have nowhere to live and would be private renting. I'd be in a job I found mundane and I'd have removed myself from the city where he real opportunities are.

I think Allzwell's advice is good.

You have qualifications which you believe to be sufficient for your preferred career (and you're getting interviews which suggests that you're right).

You have a decent house at an affordable price with a guaranteed tenancy within easy commuting distance of a city with lots of job opportunities in that field.

You have good part time "placeholder" work.

You have a good school place for your son.

Your only problems are:
A) your interview skills
B) your mood
C) lack of local friends

Allzwell's suggestions will address B and C. In particular you need to rethink your attitude to charity work. I'm company secretary for a small local charity. I fill in funding applications, research statistics, crunch data, and keep all the paperwork and accounts cleared with the Charities Commission and Companies House. In return I've built up a solid network of local friends and a deep sense of belonging in a neighbourhood in which I'm not a natural fit. At no point have I folded any jumpers.

Alternative mood fixers might be exercise or creative work.