To hate living in what isn't practically solitary confinement

[user1490990350]

I have no idea how I've managed to end up like this. I've been at university most of my life. I've not worked in paid work during that time. When I finished my course I was unemployed for almost two years but have managed to get two days work (at most, im bank staff) working each week. Sometimes I get no work for upto three weeks.

I moved to a hell hole of a place when I got pregnant, to be nearer to His family. I was 21. We split shortly after my Son was born and for 7 years I have basically wasted here.

I don't fit in. I have a PHD and apparently a 'posh' voice which is laughed at regularly. When I do get to know people I'm more a point of amusement than anything else. I've never had this problem anywhere else I've lived.

My ex and his family moved 40 mins away.

So now, I have a council house, in a rough area, where I literally know no one. I see no one. I spend almost every day on my own in a small 2 bed house surrounded by only my 6 year old for company (and he's not really any company even though I love him).

I do have two friends who live in the nearest city but I am so poor I can't afford to do anything. Visit them, go to soft play centres, go to any of the facilities in the nearest city. I don't even have a supermarket round here so get my shopping online.

There is very little round here. Not even a supermarket and I can't afford to travel around.

My son is fine as he ha school and then goes to his dads where he does fun things at the weekend.

I'm keeping going by applying for full time work and once I have a full time job I will be fine. Adult company, people I have things in common with to make friends with and a reason to get up in the morning.

Right now I spend almost every single day alone. With nowhere to go, no one to see. I'd rather be in prison!!!

I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence in solitary confinement and spend all my days listening to music and going on my phone as I have to do something for stimulation.

I know I'm not the only one who lives this sort of isolated life. How do those of you in similar situation cope?

Aibu to feel like I'm going be from lack of mental stimulation? I'm so so so bored.

OP, l am not sure if you have a spare room but if you do ( or your son could share with you ) have you thought about having a lodger for company and extra income?

Tax free income, and if you could find a like minded person you would be less lonely.

Well you're not happy now either and I bet you won't be worse off for being closer to friends and family. Private rental isn't idea but there are decent landlords out there and private renters are getting more protection all of the time. You seem fixated on being near the city, but you're there now and it's not helping you.

Take the job, spend the year building some really good contacts and work experience. Use the time to work on your interview technique and then reassess.

I'd be miserable private renting or living with my parents for longer than a year.

I'd like to volunteer somewhere I felt would stimulate my mind and where I'd meet like minded people.

I live in saddleworth. There's nothing where I am and I don't drive which means a bus everywhere.

The buses are £15 a week for a pass. Which i can't afford.

I have two friends who visit me sometimes and I never want them to leave although I don't say anything.

I have a best friend from Wales who stays for a few days and my mood is instantly lifted. I'm always hoping she decides to move up here.

I'm someone people seem to like and I've been invited to numerous events since my Son started school but I do feel a little out of place here.

Bordering my house is an affluent neighbourhood where my son could go to school and I could volunteer. It's not that I'm being snobby but I think it's reasonable to feel you have more in common with people who have a similar life experience.

I love going to Wales to visit my parents. But the state schools there are not good and there's little there. I have my parents and my Brother but I think I'd quickly feel suffocated living in my parents house although I could be wrong.

My parents are retiring next year and could move to be nearer to me.

There's plenty of options. I just feel I don't know what to do right now. Because at this moment in time I feel like I'm going insane.

I will look at volunteering opportunities in my area.

Hi user,

I found myself in a similar position. I volunteered for a charity for 6 months and managed to get a paid position. When I was a volunteer travel cost was refunded and lunch was free.

It's a lovely workplace and I have picked up lots more skills. Have a look at doit.org and see if anything takes your fancy. I probably won't stay here forever, but it's gives me time out of the house and a few extra pounds in my pocket. There are some really interesting opportunities out there, it's not just charity shops

Hmm, saddleworth is a beautiful area but I can imagine it's very quiet if you don't have your own transport.

I asked about sports/exercise earlier? If I lived there I'd join a walking club and would be happy as Larry however I know that wouldn't work for everyone.

Also because I have no money I can't really do anything. I can't join a gym, go shopping, have paid hobbies so I just feel completely enclosed. There's nothing on my doorstep. I can't even go grocery shopping.

I'm considering moving my son to the outstanding school in a different neighbourhood and I'm sure I would make friends then.

How are you going to move with no money? You don't need a gym to exercise. There's nothing on our doorstep, either. That's life. You have to make some changes rather than expecting life to hand them to you just because you're you.

I can't move. The school is walking distance. It's just technically in a different twin.

We have free walking groups locally. Would there be anything like that. I do understand that might not be your thing but it would get you out the house at least.

Is it fair on your son to move him on the vague possibility that you 'might' make friends? Likewise, pp's suggestions of moving to Wales temporarily completely discount the effect on him. Sorry to come across all 'will nobody think of the children?' I know he's young and they're adaptable blah blah blah but practicalities like getting him to his father's need to be considered (assuming your ex is an involved dad).
Your ideal scenario of working/living in Manchester may be just around the corner but you might as well make the most of things as they are - you don't want to move temporarily to Wales (and as I said that could be more trouble than its worth), so whilst you sit it out waiting to start your career it behoves to you to find a way of being engaged with things as they are.

you keep saying you have no money but you haven't cleared up whether you have or will apply for other work e.g waitressing.

OP has done a 180 since her first post! OP you need to write down a cost/benefit analysis of all this - I can see how you're getting confused. The "hellhole" of the first post is now bordering a posher area with real prospects, and the "refuge" of home is the potential new prison.

You need to establish some consistency in your thoughts before you can make effective decisions. I do understand by the way.

There are always jobs available in caring or cleaning. It doesn't have to be a position for life but a stepping stone, if you want to see it like that. Where you are there are these jobs available, do you have the luxury of waiting to get into your desired sphere employment, or do you need to pay bills? Working would be good for your mental health too by the sound of it, even if it's minimum wage (which I agree is shit and unfair but it is what it is). Tax credits would help with childcare costs too.

I would be counting your blessings, tbh. You have a child, a secure home (albeit in not your preferred area), good education and qualifications and if you have just completed your PHD, hopefully you have good health as well? You haven't mentioned any SN or disabilities affecting either you DC or yourself which would be a major issue with school or work, so hopefully these don't apply.

Perhaps start trying to see the positives. For example, a voice which is perceived to be "posh", can be a bloody door opener in getting jobs in more deprived areas, it shows you have a good level of education and it certainly helps with any schooling issues I have found. See it as the blessing it is, not a curse.

op

I think the only obstacle here is you and your view on things.

Life doesn't happen to you - it's the other way around!

If you do nothing then nothing is going to happen

Do you get CSA for your son? Can you parents help you buy a bus pass?

How long have you been job hunting?

Why on earth would you friend move to your area when you have described it as being quite a depressing place!

How are you affording to live on two days work a week??

Agree entirely with other posters. You think you are stuck but you aren't..not really. You think you have nothing in common with your community but why not try to integrate with them rather than distancing yourself? If the area is as deprived as you say then there will be a huge need for volunteers.

I am sorry OP you are coming across as though having a PhD entitles you to a career. It doesn't. Employers will be looking for a rounded person with much more than academic qualifications. Most importantly, they are looking for someone who will fit into their team...someone who will roll up their sleeves, turn their hand to anything and get on well with people from different backgrounds.

Focusing on where you went to school or your university education just demonstrates you are living in the past. You need to be telling them about the here and now...what you are doing right now to make a difference. The more diverse your experience the better in some ways as it shows you are flexible and adaptable and will give you the opportunity to develop a whole range of skills.

I wish you the very best of luck in finding these opportunities. They are out there...you just have to take a risk of doing something different!

I'm more than happy to work in a lower paid job that would mean a foot in the door and the chance to network.

I've applied for such jobs including health care assistant work. I've had more success applying for jobs that are of the level I'm qualified for.

So for now I'm applying for jobs I'm qualified for and not ones that would be a stepping stone and so far that's been counter productive.

If I've not been successful at interview I will apply for lower paid positions but for now it seems it's more my interview technique that's holding me back.

It's not a good idea to apply for lower paid positions when I'm walking into interviews within my field. I'd be employed now if I had a better interview technique.

I'm hoping the hiring manager I'm seeing next week will give some helpful feedback.

My son isn't particularly happy at his school and already knows people who go to the other school.

It's my son I want a better life for. I grew up in very different circumstances to him and I want him to have similar opportunities. Right now I'm failing him.

I have ask: if your current area is so dreadful, why on earth would your friend from Wales or parents choose to move their.

I think this is largely an attitude issue and the biggest thing you can do to address it is get out of the house and interact with people. In every deprived area there are opportunities and people you can get on with. You just have to look beyond the cars on bricks and burnt-out mattresses.

And you do come across as ever so snobby and judgemental.

I might come across that way but I know I'm not.

I'm more than happy to work in a lower paid job that would mean a foot in the door and the chance to network

That's all very well but right now you need any old job so you can afford a bus pass.

I've got more than minimum wage now. Ive debts which is the reason for my lack of money. I'd need to be earning over 20k to have any standard of life.

This won't always be the case. In one years time my debts will be paid off.

I earn £300 for two days work.

I understand the point of staying put and holding out for a job around Manchester, but if you to do that you need to be more proactive about making this place work for you in the mean time. Which means an income whatever the job and more involvement in the community so you have more friends or acquaintances at least.

If you are after likeminded friends could you not get involved in something your DS does? Cub packs always seem to be desperate for adult help or volunteer with his sports club?

My DS (also 6) swims with a club and they are constantly sending out emails asking for volunteers.

Surely your parents would sub you for a bus pass?? You say they are well off.

Is the father paying for his son? Has that already been covered?