To hate living in what isn't practically solitary confinement

[user1490990350]

I have no idea how I've managed to end up like this. I've been at university most of my life. I've not worked in paid work during that time. When I finished my course I was unemployed for almost two years but have managed to get two days work (at most, im bank staff) working each week. Sometimes I get no work for upto three weeks.

I moved to a hell hole of a place when I got pregnant, to be nearer to His family. I was 21. We split shortly after my Son was born and for 7 years I have basically wasted here.

I don't fit in. I have a PHD and apparently a 'posh' voice which is laughed at regularly. When I do get to know people I'm more a point of amusement than anything else. I've never had this problem anywhere else I've lived.

My ex and his family moved 40 mins away.

So now, I have a council house, in a rough area, where I literally know no one. I see no one. I spend almost every day on my own in a small 2 bed house surrounded by only my 6 year old for company (and he's not really any company even though I love him).

I do have two friends who live in the nearest city but I am so poor I can't afford to do anything. Visit them, go to soft play centres, go to any of the facilities in the nearest city. I don't even have a supermarket round here so get my shopping online.

There is very little round here. Not even a supermarket and I can't afford to travel around.

My son is fine as he ha school and then goes to his dads where he does fun things at the weekend.

I'm keeping going by applying for full time work and once I have a full time job I will be fine. Adult company, people I have things in common with to make friends with and a reason to get up in the morning.

Right now I spend almost every single day alone. With nowhere to go, no one to see. I'd rather be in prison!!!

I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence in solitary confinement and spend all my days listening to music and going on my phone as I have to do something for stimulation.

I know I'm not the only one who lives this sort of isolated life. How do those of you in similar situation cope?

Aibu to feel like I'm going be from lack of mental stimulation? I'm so so so bored.

The teaching assistant job is for one year. While I'm likely to be offered something permanent it's not guaranteed.

I've been waiting for a permanent job to see where I get one and then move. But right now I've not got a permanent job.

I don't think moving to Wales is the answer. I'd be happier as if have family and friends. But if I'm in a job that I've no passion for I won't be happy either.

Let's hope I get the job in my field.

Love - I think you may be depressed and it may be clouding your judgement. Go home to Wales. Could you move in with your parents short term? Sod the council house. Within 6 months you'll have a job in Wales and all this will be a fading memory. It's a council house, not a jail term.

Yes I could. I'd have moved by now if I'd got a permanent job.

I'm just very worried if I move to Wales I will never get a job in my field as they're quite scared there.

*scarce

All you need is a stepping stone job in Wales though. Then you can look around again for something which actually suits you. When I was looking for a job in journalism I worked in a lab inputting data. I have one physics GCSE!

There's a grants search function at turn2us; might be worth looking, sometimes there is funding available for 'niche' circumstances such as someone with your phd, perhaps.
Is it still important that your son is near to his father?

If Wales would make you happier, go there. I think you sound as though you're waiting for one big thing that will out you toy into the situation you want. But you could get there incrementally as well. The TA job would take you to a place where you would be happier, and it would be something on your cv, giving you a better chance of finding another job if necessary.

You can't always get everything at once. Sometimes you have to make little improvements bit by bit.

• Err - and obviously some other qualifications which aren't science based as well!

I'll tell you what I also think. Your awful situation has led you to really cling to your PhD as a sign you have worth. Which you do, anyway, but you are more than just your qualifications. You are a worthwhile person, I'm sure a good friend who is worth knowing, and a good mum. Being mocked for your accent and having your son go from "fun" at his Dad's to your "hellhole" home where you've no money for fun has sapped your self-esteem to the point the PhD has grown in importance past the point that it should have done. Your happiness and not wasting 7 more years of your precious life is the most important thing. Getting a TA job near your family doesn't mean you have lost what's important. You'll have gained a new life, and some breathing space.

Some places can be extremely hostile to people they perceive as different.

It is peculiar. We had a base in a house in the North of England, and I spent some years in France as a child. Although I did get bullied at school, this only really started in secondary. Before that, I look back and remember some really snide and pointed comments from adults. Whenever I've been back since I am met with a semi-aggressive 'where are you from?' from some people and others ask in an interested way. Many don't accept my response which is "here!" Some aren't exactly unkind but more make it clear they don't see you as the 'same.'

It's a small town thing, I think. I've worked in some pretty deprived pockets (Liverpool, Blackpool, Middlesborough, Doncaster) and haven't come across it but the place I am thinking of even a town five miles away is considered alien.

I normally agree with BillSykes on things so just wanted to address that, as I knew what OP meant.

Hi. It can be very isolating being a single parent. I spend most of my time alone too, but I'm an artist so it suits me well to have time to myself.

On the lone parent board I saw some threads about single parent house shares - there was one in London and one in Wales I think. Could you start a thread yourself looking for one, state exactly where you'd like to live and what you're looking for and see what comes up. Obviously pick somewhere you think you are likely to get a job more easily. I think house shares can be the ideal solution for single parents.

You are in the wrong place and a change of location will make all the difference to you.

I lived in Wales growing up and never once had comments about my English accent. My accent is English as I went to private school where all the teachers were english and all my peers seemed to come from English families.

When I lived in the city (Manchester) I never got any comments on my accent. But now I've lived in a small town on the outskirts its pretty constant.

No one has anything but a Manchester accent, accents like mine mean you stand out like a sore thumb. It's like being a foreigner.

My only friend here is the headteacher of my Sons school who loves me.

Apart from that I feel completely isolated and I'm an extroverted person who needs human company to be happy.

There is usually city council support for people who can't find work, people like you, in my city it's a programme called Workways. I work in a community building and I know one of their clients is very highly qualified and she can't find work easily as she has a child.

The council support worker helps them eliminate obstacles in finding work, a one-to-one support session weekly. I think they can provide travel money and help with interview clothes etc. Give the council a ring and see if there's anything similar in your area.

I sympathise with you over the piss take about your accent. I have a west country accent. When I listen to myself back on my ansaphone, I sound like Bomber from Auf Weidershen! I had a boyfriend from Manchester for a while and whenever we visited his folks they used to accuse me of putting on a posh voice. It was funny the first time but it continued and got more snyde as time went on which was annoying and isolating if I'm honest.

Don't some volunteering opportunities provide money for either lunch or transportation? I did a bit of volunteering for a charity shop in London and if you worked for more than six hours per day, you were given money for transportation or for food. It was up to you, but I believe it was 4 pounds. That might help you

I just feel that moving away isn't necessarily the answer. I could be wrong. But there's many single parents who make a life for themselves away from family and manage.

I feel I need to try and make my life here until I get a permanent job.

Are you looking for a specific type of job because there is always work available in health and social care if you want it (understand though that hours of working may present difficulty with DC).

I think extra money would make a huge difference. With your educational background I'm sure you could get something like online tutoring as suggested by an earlier poster.

I'm actually wondering if you live in the place I used to live ...

It doesn't begin with an 'L', does it?

I would be happy to work in a hospital as it would give me a foot in the door.

There's two reasons I've stayed this long in this living hell.

1. I have a Council house and would be insane to give up a secure tenancy/the right to buy.

2. There are a lot of work opportunities in the nearest city. So if I'm going to find work I'm most likely to find it here. I have no networks to get my foot in the door but I have consistently got job interviews and feel I will find work.

3. Unless I can get someone to house swap with me (which believe me no one wants to do) I would have to private rent which I can't afford.

If I didn't have my Son I would just spend all day in the city volunteering and finding a way to get my face known and build friendships. But I don't have the money to even get into the city!

There's got to be some compromise somewhere. No one said it was going to be easy!

I think waiting for a job to come up that you have passion for may be the challenge. Perhaps any job for now would be good....would offer you contact with people, purpose, money, experience and a structure to your day. Waiting for a job tailored to your qualifications may mean a very long wait, and until then, you aren't getting experience which is what employers want to see.

Lots of great advice on this thread.

I'm sorry this will sound harsh
I don't think you're making good choices
If you have a major urge to do a particular job, okay, I get that
I can see why it would be a dominating factor in where you live if your life revolved round your work
But you have had very little work experience from the sounds of it
So staying in an are you hate in order to wait and hope for a full time job in your field seems an odd choice when you could go home and be with family and friends
It depends what it is I guess but I think you have to have a reasonable amount of experience before you can say "doing this job comes above everything else"
Waiting to get right to buy in a place you hate seems crazy
Also what if you get that dream job and it's ruined by a poor manger? There's very little stable work around too, what is the financial outlook? Jobs are called permanent but a lot of places restructure fairly often etc
Do you need to look at other work?

It doesn't. It's a very small town. One train an hour into Manchester. Can't get into Manchester by bus without two changes. I could transfer to a town nearer to Manchester but still within this Council but this town is the only one where you can leave your house at night without fear of being stabbed.

It's not rough. Just very deprived. There's not a high crime rate. It just has nothing going for it.

Manager not manger
Jobs can be ruined by a number of factors other than poor managers but mangers aren't usually an issue