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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate living in what isn't practically solitary confinement

239 replies

user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 08:14

I have no idea how I've managed to end up like this. I've been at university most of my life. I've not worked in paid work during that time. When I finished my course I was unemployed for almost two years but have managed to get two days work (at most, im bank staff) working each week. Sometimes I get no work for upto three weeks.

I moved to a hell hole of a place when I got pregnant, to be nearer to His family. I was 21. We split shortly after my Son was born and for 7 years I have basically wasted here.

I don't fit in. I have a PHD and apparently a 'posh' voice which is laughed at regularly. When I do get to know people I'm more a point of amusement than anything else. I've never had this problem anywhere else I've lived.

My ex and his family moved 40 mins away.

So now, I have a council house, in a rough area, where I literally know no one. I see no one. I spend almost every day on my own in a small 2 bed house surrounded by only my 6 year old for company (and he's not really any company even though I love him).

I do have two friends who live in the nearest city but I am so poor I can't afford to do anything. Visit them, go to soft play centres, go to any of the facilities in the nearest city. I don't even have a supermarket round here so get my shopping online.

There is very little round here. Not even a supermarket and I can't afford to travel around.

My son is fine as he ha school and then goes to his dads where he does fun things at the weekend.

I'm keeping going by applying for full time work and once I have a full time job I will be fine. Adult company, people I have things in common with to make friends with and a reason to get up in the morning.

Right now I spend almost every single day alone. With nowhere to go, no one to see. I'd rather be in prison!!!

I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence in solitary confinement and spend all my days listening to music and going on my phone as I have to do something for stimulation.

I know I'm not the only one who lives this sort of isolated life. How do those of you in similar situation cope?

Aibu to feel like I'm going be from lack of mental stimulation? I'm so so so bored.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 02/04/2017 11:17

I think you should get some volunteering organised to get some current work experience / references, some adult company and working routine in your life while you are looking for work. Many organisations will pay your expenses and sometimes there are other perks. I just had a quick google and within a minute found a library in the Greater Manchester area looking for volunteers. There must be lots you can contribute.

orenisthenewblack · 02/04/2017 11:21

When I was looking for work and waiting for the ideal post to suit my skills and qualifications, I applied for everything.
I was a relief librarian for a while, a waitress and then an admin assistant who's job it was to photocopy and stuff. Were they my dream jobs? No! Was I passionate about them? Hell no! But I got out everyday, chatted with colleagues and customers and had a wage (minimum!).
I continued looking and eventually got offered a post which got my foot in the door.

Be brave! Apply for everything and take a chance. Don't limit yourself and look for opportunities. I think you are in a fab position seeing as you are not particularly attached emotionally to the place you live. The world's your oyster!

NancyWake · 02/04/2017 11:31

Tbh OP I can see from this thread why you'd have difficulties in interviews - I think it may not be about interview technique per se - but your general interface with other people.

The OP itself was quite vague - it wasn't clear what you actually wanted advice on - and you've got quite snippy and defensive when it's not exactly what you wanted to hear.

I'd use the free time you have to work on social skills via voluntary work or additional part time job, which would kill two birds with one stone.

QuiteLikely5 · 02/04/2017 11:36

Imo you aren't being very proactive!

You can volunteer and have your travel/lunch costs reimbursed.

Not sure how long you've been unemployed but how?!

Your child is at school so you could have taken on lots of jobs not in your field!

Where there's a will there's a way.

SlothMama · 02/04/2017 11:37

At my University they had a careers team that would help prepare you for interviews. They would carry out mock interviews maybe contacting them will help?

Have you asked for specific interview feedback to see exactly where you are going wrong?

ImperialBlether · 02/04/2017 11:39

So you really need advice on interview technique. Why not post a different thread asking for advice? If you specify your ideal working environment (eg hospital) then you should get some really good advice from experienced women on here.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2017 11:40

You are a fish out of water. Make a long term plan with short term goals. It's hard to be happy living in a place you hate. I've been in this situation and the best thing ever was getting out. Could you exchange your house for another one in a different area.

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 02/04/2017 11:43

Op you need to move. Poverty areas where you are seen as an outsider are shit. You are unlikely to find happiness there particularly as the reverse snobbery is going to mean you are unable to feel confident in what you have achieved.
Apply to the council in Wales near other friends and family. Go to the doctors and claim you are missing your family and you are getting depressed because of it.
Make sure that when you submit your application in Wales that you say your support network and family are there and that you need to be closer to them as it is making you depressed and include tour doctors note.

I hope you get home soon x

Viviennemary · 02/04/2017 11:44

I see that people have suggested you improve your interview technique. This is a great idea. Some people don't even realise that their answers are not the ones interviewers want to here. I knew somebody who didn't get a job. The answer to one question how to you deal with a disagreement with a colleague. Answer I always get my own way. Didn't see anything wrong with this. Not suggesting this could be you. Mock interviews also great idea.

Cel982 · 02/04/2017 11:50

Did you really just want to know if you're being unreasonable to hate living in a 'hell hole' with no friends and very little mental stimulation Hmm? Well, that's an easy one - no, OP, YANBU at all. Who would be happy with that?

You've had lots of thoughtful advice (not 'reflex reactions') on ways you could improve your situation, though, and it doesn't seem to be what you want. You did ask how others have coped in similar situations, and people have responded with talk of volunteering, teaching, looking for 'lower status' work in related fields. What else were you hoping for? You need occupation and mental stimulation, you've said as much yourself.

JustDanceAddict · 02/04/2017 11:52

I would move home, take the TA job in the school, you'll meet people at least and also look for your line of work simultaneously. At interview you'll have 'real' work experience to draw on for the answers and if you're offered a teaching post you can take it if nothing else comes up. Also, What about lecturing in your subject at uni?
I'm the same as you and hate being stuck in the house. Work is the saviour of my mental health even though it can be stressful, it's different. Good luck.

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 02/04/2017 11:52

It is hard to help when we don't know what your PhD is in x

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 02/04/2017 11:53

Have you considered being an OU or other distance learning tutor?

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 02/04/2017 11:56

YADNBU by the way. It is shit being somewhere where your accent makes you not only an outsider but a snob too. It makes you feel cagey about opening up about any achievements at all. It kills your self esteem and makes you even feel uncomfortable in your own self.

GabsAlot · 02/04/2017 11:59

well if u sound english and move back to wales dont be surprised if they still mickey take

my dh is welsh and lives in england get the p taken all the time

tryand get over that part it happens everywhere-career isnt everything being happy is and youre clearly not

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 12:13

I've never had any comments about my accent in Wales despite growing up in Wales.

I'm from a very Welsh speaking area too!

Anyone who knows me knows I have an excellent work ethic. For my PHD I had to do a year of full time work. It was 2 hours each way my commute and I loved it! I've studied in very stressful conditions while looking after my Son single handedly and no family support.

The only reason I've not been pro active in looking for voluntary work is because I'm a single mum to a primary school child. While I'm absolutely bored mindless and very very lonely, i don't think voluntary work is necessarily the answer to all my problems.

Finding meaningful work whether it's voluntary or paid is what will make the difference. It doesn't have to be in my field, it something that I will enjoy

All my references say I'm an excellent team player and a popular staff member so I easily make friends when in a position to do so and among people I have things in common with.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 12:15

I've yet to find any voluntary work that I feel will make me feel happier rather than worse!

I want something that will be a challenge and add to my skills and with people a similar age to me. Folding clothes in a charity shop would make me feel worse!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/04/2017 12:23

Your posts are chock a block full of contradictions and you are making poor decisions. You may not want advice but frankly, if you want to change things, you need to stop moaning about how hard done by and above your circumstances you are and start making some changes.

NancyWake · 02/04/2017 12:24

I'm not sure voluntary work is necessarily about making you feel happier, but the people you're working for.

I didn't volunteer at a refuge looking for happiness. But helping other people gave me satisfaction, and I learnt a great deal.

BarbarianMum · 02/04/2017 12:25

"Folding clothes in a charity shop would make me feel worse"

^^And that just makes you sound dim. There are thousands of volunteer opportunities in any city that have nothing to do with charity shops.

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 02/04/2017 12:28

I think when you go home to Wales folding clothes may seem less unappealing. When you are living somewhere where you are rejected it makes you feel like nothing will make you happy xxx Flowers

RedMetamorphosis · 02/04/2017 12:32

Yeah I'm out.

At some point you have to take responsibility. Guessing this isn't going to happen anytime soon.

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 02/04/2017 12:37

Don't worry OP xxx I can see why people are leaving because you do sound like you are not doing anything to fix the situation, but I understand how demoralising it can be to live somewhere where your voice means you are a snob. You really need to change where you are living. It sounds like you are also suffering from depression and that is why you are not able to make changes in your life to make you feel happier.

Take care OP Flowers

Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 12:54

"For my PHD I had to do a year of full time work."

a year doesn't demonstrate anything much.

ImperialBlether · 02/04/2017 13:01

A PhD does, though.