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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate living in what isn't practically solitary confinement

239 replies

user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 08:14

I have no idea how I've managed to end up like this. I've been at university most of my life. I've not worked in paid work during that time. When I finished my course I was unemployed for almost two years but have managed to get two days work (at most, im bank staff) working each week. Sometimes I get no work for upto three weeks.

I moved to a hell hole of a place when I got pregnant, to be nearer to His family. I was 21. We split shortly after my Son was born and for 7 years I have basically wasted here.

I don't fit in. I have a PHD and apparently a 'posh' voice which is laughed at regularly. When I do get to know people I'm more a point of amusement than anything else. I've never had this problem anywhere else I've lived.

My ex and his family moved 40 mins away.

So now, I have a council house, in a rough area, where I literally know no one. I see no one. I spend almost every day on my own in a small 2 bed house surrounded by only my 6 year old for company (and he's not really any company even though I love him).

I do have two friends who live in the nearest city but I am so poor I can't afford to do anything. Visit them, go to soft play centres, go to any of the facilities in the nearest city. I don't even have a supermarket round here so get my shopping online.

There is very little round here. Not even a supermarket and I can't afford to travel around.

My son is fine as he ha school and then goes to his dads where he does fun things at the weekend.

I'm keeping going by applying for full time work and once I have a full time job I will be fine. Adult company, people I have things in common with to make friends with and a reason to get up in the morning.

Right now I spend almost every single day alone. With nowhere to go, no one to see. I'd rather be in prison!!!

I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence in solitary confinement and spend all my days listening to music and going on my phone as I have to do something for stimulation.

I know I'm not the only one who lives this sort of isolated life. How do those of you in similar situation cope?

Aibu to feel like I'm going be from lack of mental stimulation? I'm so so so bored.

OP posts:
NancyWake · 02/04/2017 10:31

I don't know that there's an awful lot of point sticking it out in a place where, even if you get a decent job, you and your son will always be fish out of water.

Why would you want your son to grow up in an area where he might get stabbed in one of the nearby towns?

It's got nothing to recommend it for you or him.

user1471545174 · 02/04/2017 10:33

Positive, OP. Interview technique is highly fixable.

RedMetamorphosis · 02/04/2017 10:33

What steps are you putting into place to improve your technique?

How many jobs come up in your field of expertise? And how many jobs generally in all areas are you applying for?

It can be a bit of a numbers game plus utilising your network effectively massively improves your chances.

Are there any networks/groups that you can join in relation to your job field?

user1471545174 · 02/04/2017 10:34

Though your home environment sounds a hell of a lot nicer and I agree with NancyWake.

sadie9 · 02/04/2017 10:36

What might help is to find ways to get intergrated into your local community more. I get that you have a posh accent etc. Maybe you are buying into this idea of you being 'different' too much? How much is your attachment to that idea getting in your way, at the moment?
If you live in a deprived area, there are probably plenty of local projects going on, in which you could contribute....if you can put aside your ideas about not fitting in.
If it were me, I'd find a local project (search the local council websites, ring people at your local council) and find some volunteering/unpaid work, while your son is at school. If you have qualifications then use them to help people while you wait for the perfect job.
Eg. finance: you could do advice work at a finance or citizens advice place. You could help a youth group organiser to finance or fundraise. Use your 'posh voice' and being different to your advantage and to advantage others. The thing that seems like your biggest obstacle might become your biggest asset. You might help others get into education or get jobs - ironic but maybe there is a local jobs club you could do a talk or help people write a good CV.
As soon as those ideas about stuff being 'hopeless' and 'I'm different' come into your head, then recognise that those thoughts are there, but proceed anyway. Thoughts are just bunches of neurons clanging together. They often don't translate into much in the real world.
Charities are also always looking for voluntary Board Members and volunteer Directors on Boards. Mostly the meetings are few and far between but you do feel involved in something, and it looks good on your CV.
Keep the chin up, this is a tunnel you are in. Life will move on and you will get that job.
Your son is only 6, so firstly you are his mother. I know we can't put that on our CVs, but it is reasonable for that to be a priority in your life. It's difficult to be a single mum, in a place far away from family. That takes balls and guts to just be where you are today. It's no easy feat to get a PhD and have a young child, that's pretty damn tough going.
And you are getting 'life experience' from where you live. You can apply that in interview situations 'I am used to dealing with people from all walks of life, etc'. 'When I finished my PHd I said I would take a year out to look after my son before really starting to look for a job'. There's plenty of stuff you can say in interviews to relate your life experience to the job.
Best of luck with it.

HereThereThen · 02/04/2017 10:37

The experience and work I'm doing now is enough to get me a job.
The reason it hasn't is because of my interview technique and nothing else.

Maybe or maybe not, maybe they just happened to have better or known (internal?) candidates. You only finished your PhD in October - I don't think you need to give up just yet.

HereThereThen · 02/04/2017 10:39

That's a thoughtful post sadie9

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 02/04/2017 10:43

Qualifications are great. But you might find it hard to get a job without having references from a previous job. Just because you have the qualifications doesn't mean you will get the job. Many people will have the qualifications and experience of recent work. Even if not in that field or viluntary. Just to show yes you are reliable and can come into work on time. Voluntary positions often pay travel expenses.

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 10:47

I have an excellent reference from my current boss.

I'm currently in work. I'm bank staff at a very well respected company and working in my field. Everyone seems to have forgotten that.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 10:48

It's bank work so I only get one day a week but at least it's experience and one day a week when I'm with people.

If a permanent position becomes available I'm in but that hasn't happened yet. There's very little funding.

OP posts:
RedMetamorphosis · 02/04/2017 10:50

But it's not full time and it's not consistent. I'm assuming you want more work and the security otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

I'd follow sadie's advice re the volunteering and try to do that 2 days a week with another day dedicated to interview technique, job hunting, networking etc.

MadMags · 02/04/2017 10:52

I'm going to say this in the nicest possible way...

You sound a bit snobbish. Not about the area but you do go on about private school, independent school, teaching not being good enough etc.

A PhD is only a piece of paper until you can use it. An achievement, absolutely but useless unless used!

I'm not saying aim low. Not at all.
But you don't seem willing to take any steps. You just want to leap into something that you deem worthy.

And that would be absolutely fine if it wasn't making you so miserable!

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 10:52

No but it's experience and means I'm not going to have a gap in my CV.

I dedicate two days a week to job hunting and revising. I'm currently applying in manchester and Wales and surrounding areas of both so find I now have a job interview every month so planning for that and revising/travelling thankfully takes up some time.

I'm so bored I actually get excited for an interview. At least it's a reason to put make up on!

OP posts:
smashedinductionhob · 02/04/2017 10:53

Hi,

Would you be willing to work to improve your interview technique?

Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 10:54

I think I'm seeing this from the perspective of "must pay bills - will take any work".

tbh if there's a risk that you will end up in that place soon, I would look at that in your shoes. You may have been paid for the further study - lord knows I missed some options there! - but that's not the issue if you are trying to get bill paying jobs. I might have misunderstood but I thought you were trying to get just bill paying jobs.

If you pitch up for a shop job or receptionist job, I imagine (from my own experience) it would be better not to say you were studying all that time.

anyway, maybe what i'm saying is irrelevant to you so I'll wander off. Good luck with the future Flowers

RedMetamorphosis · 02/04/2017 10:57

Great, so you have the time to dedicate to it, now it's about using that time effectively.

I'd use the brilliant advice you have been given so far and contact your university to find out about improving your interview technique. Also find out about their alumni programme and contact lecturers to see if they can offer advice or connections in the field. See if there are any groups/networks specifically for your field and join those.

The old adage is there for a reason - it is who you know. Utilise these connections. Make more where possible.

JennyHolzersGhost · 02/04/2017 10:58

OP, what are you looking for from MN here ? I ask because you've had a lot of good advice on various subjects - housing, work, volunteering, filling your time, relocating - but don't seem to be responding positively to much of it.
If you just want a moan then that's fine, moan away ! Grin but I think lots of people are trying to help you here and it's clear you're not hearing what you're looking for so maybe you could give us a bit more of an idea what that is - ?

smashedinductionhob · 02/04/2017 11:01

I think the OP is trying to clarify her own thoughts?

Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 11:01

Well I wasn't looking for advice.

I've live dangerously this life for a while now and I'm an intelligent woman who knows what's best for me and my Son and the options available to me. It's a reflex reaction to a post like this to be given advice which I understand.

I was seeing if anyone has experienced similar and what they did to stay sane and whether I was unreasonable for feeling this way.

I've not intention of leaving this area as it's not best for my Son or I until I have secured permanent employment.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1490990350 · 02/04/2017 11:02

Dangerously :-s

*lived that was meant to say.

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 11:03

sorry I haven't gone away :)

I just saw this "If a permanent position becomes available I'm in but that hasn't happened yet. There's very little funding."

that's a very very privileged position to be in - waiting for work in your field. I say this because I think there's a concern that the real world (for most of us) the bill paying world, hasn't hit you yet. Surely the council housing etc isn't going to be unlimited - won't the authorities eventually ask you to apply for bill paying jobs?

Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 11:04

oh x post
you don't really want to hear any truths do you!

RedMetamorphosis · 02/04/2017 11:09

How are you paying bills currently?

Working part time in a shop or restaurant or call centre to support yourself, gain some self-esteem, contribute to society and provide a good example to your child is not beneath you.

JennyHolzersGhost · 02/04/2017 11:09

Ah ok, you want keeping occupied tips. What did you think of the volunteering suggestions ? Or getting another non-career job that you can do part time and fits with your bank job?

Oakmaiden · 02/04/2017 11:16

I know you didn't want advice, just a sympathetic ear, but the one thing that struck me is - can you go in to your son's school a couple of days a week to help listen to readers, etc? You said the head there likes (loves?) you... (which was an interesting phrase...) and it is the sort of work you can do when you are available, but if you get paid work for that day you can just phone in and say you are not available that day... It would get you out of the house, shouldn't cost much to get to, and may help if you are thinking of applying for teaching jobs....