To hate living in what isn't practically solitary confinement

[user1490990350]

I have no idea how I've managed to end up like this. I've been at university most of my life. I've not worked in paid work during that time. When I finished my course I was unemployed for almost two years but have managed to get two days work (at most, im bank staff) working each week. Sometimes I get no work for upto three weeks.

I moved to a hell hole of a place when I got pregnant, to be nearer to His family. I was 21. We split shortly after my Son was born and for 7 years I have basically wasted here.

I don't fit in. I have a PHD and apparently a 'posh' voice which is laughed at regularly. When I do get to know people I'm more a point of amusement than anything else. I've never had this problem anywhere else I've lived.

My ex and his family moved 40 mins away.

So now, I have a council house, in a rough area, where I literally know no one. I see no one. I spend almost every day on my own in a small 2 bed house surrounded by only my 6 year old for company (and he's not really any company even though I love him).

I do have two friends who live in the nearest city but I am so poor I can't afford to do anything. Visit them, go to soft play centres, go to any of the facilities in the nearest city. I don't even have a supermarket round here so get my shopping online.

There is very little round here. Not even a supermarket and I can't afford to travel around.

My son is fine as he ha school and then goes to his dads where he does fun things at the weekend.

I'm keeping going by applying for full time work and once I have a full time job I will be fine. Adult company, people I have things in common with to make friends with and a reason to get up in the morning.

Right now I spend almost every single day alone. With nowhere to go, no one to see. I'd rather be in prison!!!

I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence in solitary confinement and spend all my days listening to music and going on my phone as I have to do something for stimulation.

I know I'm not the only one who lives this sort of isolated life. How do those of you in similar situation cope?

Aibu to feel like I'm going be from lack of mental stimulation? I'm so so so bored.

Thanks everyone.

Because of my specialist qualifications I have more chance getting a job in my field than in a lower paid position that I'm clearly over qualified to do.

Having my qualifications has ironically made it harder for me to secure employment.

I have applied for several jobs but get interviews for the jobs that are relevant to my PHD.

My feedback has been that I'm more than employable but the stronger applicant gave better answers at interview. So the barrier to me finding work is myself. Not the location, my son or my experience.

I've had several managers say they will contact me if anything becomes available. So I'm hopeful I will eventually get something.

User, take that job that your dad could get you. You are perfectly qualified for it and you will make friends there. I know very well what it's like to be a fish out of water, it's horrible and the water never comes to you. Move to the water. Just do it.

If you are getting the interviews, but not getting the jobs. Have you had any interview training?

If other candidates are giving better answers, think about how you are answering the questions. Interviewers want clear concise answers to the questions. They often want examples. Think through the questions you have been asked, how did you answer, did you waffle or go off at a tangent.

Even with senior candidates, the feedback for reasons not offering a good candidate a job is:

Lack of research on the company
Not answering questions in a concise manner
Talking too much
Going off on a tangent

Maybe you can practice some interview questions and answers before your next interview.

Why haven't you found a job in 7 years? Or even the last 3 years when your son was in school? Sadly no one is going to rescue you from this situation and you just have to make more of an effort. Have you done any back to work or refresher courses in that time?

Yes I have a problem with my interview technique. I was a post recently where someone had had 20 interviews but not job and I could have written that myself. So that's where my issue is with finding employment.

The work experience I got at University is enough to get me a job.

So interview technique is what I'm working on. I feel for now I need to stay put. At least for another year to see if I can get a qualified role in my field in either here or nearer my family. If I haven't got a job by then I will have to consider other options.

I just don't know how to put up with this isolation any longer. I literally count the days away. I'm not living. Just existing in boredom. It's awful.

OP "Having my qualifications has ironically made it harder for me to secure employment"

yes but that's obvious with a PhD isn't it? I even removed a post grad qual from cv to get my current job, I did it at night school so there's no gap in my cv.

Can you do that? If you had a child at 21 you can say you were a SAH. I don't know what other work you apply for but if it stops you getting any paid work, I wonder if you need to tell them you have it?

I've been at university all that time.

I read your post and the first thought that popped into my head was "go home". It sounds as though your family is supportive OP? You have been looking for full time work in your particular field for a long time. I'm sure you will eventually get something if you persevere but I think you need to stop putting your life on hold waiting for it. What if it takes another 2 years? Another 5?

Go home. Live with your parents for a bit. Regroup. Take the job your dad can get you. It's for a year you say? Perfect! A year you can work and search for a job in the field you want whilst spending time with your family. If it turns into a teaching job, great! More money and more breathing space to carry on searching for the job you want.

7 years is a very long time to be unhappy, don't wait till it's 8 years, 10 years, 15 years. Do it now whilst your son is little and will adjust. Good luck.

Apart from my undergrad, I have been paid to do both my Masters and PHD as they are in areas of high demand (oh the irony).

Go to Wales, take the job in the school, start your real life with your son. Maybe move into higher education later if that's preferable to you? You will be happy. You aren't depressed, you just need to be somewhere else, among people who value the things you value. You are already intellectually clever, you now need to rely more on your common sense and instincts.

As other PP have said, the tenancy and potential right to buy somewhere you hate, and will always hate, is not a compelling reason to stay. I lived my first 18 years in this milieu and escape couldn't come quickly enough.

Ah I've just realised something. I have only just finished my PHD. I qualified in October so have only been looking since then. I've been unemployed for 2 years since my Masters degree. My PHD is funded so I only half hearted looked for work.

Now I'm truly out of work and education I'm feeling completely lost.

I never liked this area but when I was in education I felt okay.

Ah I've just realised something. I have only just finished my PHD. I qualified in October so have only been looking since then. I've been unemployed for 2 years since my Masters degree. My PHD is funded so I only half hearted looked for work.

Now I'm truly out of work and education I'm feeling completely lost.

I never liked this area but when I was in education I felt okay.

I agree with doing unpaid work in the first instance, perhaps even with the local university (e.g. MA marking), and getting yourself in a position so when something does come up they know you and tip you off. There is also a massive move towards online PG courses now so you might be able to work from home a bit as an online tutor, only going in for meetings, to get your feet under the desk and then you could apply for research funding in your own right on one of the back to work academic schemes for women.

Having no work experience won't be helping you with your interviews - of course the other candidates give better answers, they have experience and previous work projects to talk about in those answers. That's no going to change as long as you're languishing about doing nothing. At least if you get some experience in a non-dream job you're building your transferable skills and getting experience. You'll become less and less employable the longer you're unemployed for, as employers will just begin to wonder why you've never worked and why they should risk offering a job to somebody with no apparent work ethic. I recognise that sounds harsh, but you're clearly miserable with your life as it is and looking myopically at one big thing you think will change your life when actually you can change your life with a series of smaller steps.

And, everything BlueBlueSkies said - to which I would add, a perfectly SPAGged CV and a friendly, positive manner.

Apply for jobs in universities overseas as a lecturer. The UAE are always recruiting and their packages are fantastic. You'll even get school fees paid for your son, free accommodation and utilities plus a really good salary....but you have to be proactive.

As another pp suggested. How about doing some exam invigilator or scribe work. I know my kids school is asking every week for people to do this. Contact the local state and independent schools and ask if they need help during the exams.

It will pay a little, fit in with school hours, get you out of the house, give you some useful contacts and may help with your self esteem.

With regard to your interviews, practice the questions before hand. If when they ask you how long you have been looking for work or how many interviews you have been on, and you go into how awful things are for you, that is a BIG interview No. Anything negative will put them off.

The work experience I got at University is enough to get me a job

But it hasn't...

That's no time at all since you finished your PhD. How about doing something in the meantime to keep busy and then seeing if a job turns up. I don't think 20 applications and interviews (or thereabouts ) is that bad at all.

Siting around the house is obviously the worst thing you can do and although I know it's really difficult to motivate yourself I think you just have to try and find something that works. No one is going to do it for you so you have to do it for yourself.
What about your general fitness and health? Do you sleep and eat well? What about exercise. Are there local badminton clubs or keep fit classes etc. What about forcing yourself to go for a run or brisk walk every day. What about a bike? (I know there is a cost) Could you bike into the city?
Otherwise I'd at least do a couple of mornings voluntary work.

I know all this stuff is easier said than done if you are feeling down but the alternative is carrying on like you are.

I think you are hanging around for your dream job in your dream location. Which will rarely just fall into your lap.

You have to put things into place bit by bit - I wonder how many people on this thread work in their dream job. I know I don't, but the job I am in is a stepping stone towards that end goal. I've spent the last five years living thousands of miles away from my loved ones as another stepping stone towards that goal.

It's been tough at times but I'm working in this job because I have to pay the rent and bills. In five years, I may be in my dream job, I may not but I feel like I have taken control of that.

What is most important - job or location? If you are lucky, you won't have to choose. If it is location, then you may have to find the less than perfect job and make sacrifices.

Take the TA job. Take it now. You're lonely and you're bored, and that's a toxic combination. It doesn't have to be your forever career, but it'll get you out of the rut you're in and into a more lively environment with plenty of company and stimulation. There's nothing keeping you where you are except a secure house in an area you hate; that's not something to build a life around. Take the job, go to Wales (I'm presuming that's where it is as you say your Dad works there?) and you can keep hunting for a more fulfilling role.

If you want to volunteer, charities will often pay for your travel.

Good luck. Sounds really tough.

If you've only just finished you can probably still get careers help through your uni - get them to help with the interview technique?

And if you ever decide to go for lower qualification work for whatever reason, either skip the PhD and even the masters. I know. I know. You shouldn't have to. But a CV is a marketing document for a specific role, not a ledger explaining the sum total of your "worth".

It sounds like a miserable situation and I'm glad you were able to study to help with it and to help yourself - it must be grim now that you're looking for work, which is soul destroying in itself. Good luck with it.

The experience and work I'm doing now is enough to get me a job.

The reason it hasn't is because of my interview technique and nothing else.