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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP hurt me about our baby

186 replies

RainbowCrashes · 01/04/2017 20:57

DP and I have been together 5 months. I recently discovered I am 5/6 weeks pregnant with my second child. It was a shock as I was on the pill. He has been supportiveish but its obvious he doesn't want the baby. We were chatting about our future tonight as we have both been stressed and not as close lately. I said to him Id like to feel a bit more supported and he said "Why? Its only like a pinhead. It doesn't even mean anything yet Rainbow." I kicked him out. I am DISGUSTED he said that. I am so upset and hurt he said it doesn't mean anything. I do not know if I will be able to ever forgive that.

Am I over reacting? Would you be livid and hurt too?

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/04/2017 19:32

Crumbs1 I find it hilarious you think of yourself as 'tolerant' given your comments on this and another thread.

I know you've only had ltr from your posts I'm now surmising you don't have sex outside marriage and don't approve of others who do and REALLY don't approve of casual sex (which isn't even the case here!)

That's fine for YOU in YOUR sex life. But you should be honest in stating if that's the case of responding to posts of this nature.

My first pregnancy was at the end of a 2 year relationship, we'd just split up when I discovered I was pregnant. Various friends have experienced unplanned pregnancy within a variety of scenarios with a variety of choices made and results. THEIR CHOICE

The reality is Sex outside marriage has ALWAYS happened (yep even in Victorian times) evidence is in birth and marriage records - seriously just watch a few episodes of 'who do you think you are' or 'heir hunters' it's just more honest now, in other times people pretended to be married or invented fake husbands who'd died etc. Completely unrealistic to think or expect sex not to happen except under strict societal conditions.

Graphista · 03/04/2017 19:32

*IF responding to posts of this nature

Crumbs1 · 03/04/2017 19:53

There's tolerance and tolerance. No I have never done sex outside of a long term commitment and yes I do think casual sex is wrong - but because of risks to unborn child conceived because parents didn't care enough to wait until they were prepared to share raising a child. I don't have sex outside of marriage now - we're on 25 years - but of course my children do but not casual sex and all the inherent risks that brings. Of course I know extramarital sex has always existed- although let's be clear lots of Victorian sex was hardly consensual.

I wasn't aware I'd been dishonest, I've never hidden my views. I don't know anyone who thinks casual sex is OK - most of our friends are in long term first marriages(a few in second marriage) and their children are in long term relationships moving towards marriages. I think serial one night stands leads to all sorts of misery - which is fine for the adults (although why they then moan is beyond me) but I think it's hugely unfair on any children.

Graphista · 03/04/2017 21:09

"I wasn't aware I'd been dishonest"

Because you gave your opinion based on those views without saying that those were your views.

As for the idea that women in Victorian times (or other times where sex outside marriage was frowned upon) rarely had consensual sex! Please! Women have sex drives the same as men! And that's not even including women who were unfaithful!

If you're in the uk I'm really surprised given the divorce/separation rate that "most of our friends are in long term first marriages" and if you think all those people are 100% faithful you're INCREDIBLY naive.

Graphista · 03/04/2017 21:12

"There's tolerance and tolerance"

Well your definition of tolerance is very different to mine and many others.

Mine is as long as other people aren't being hurt, do what you like and NO children conceived through casual sex are NOT more likely to be emotionally hurt than those conceived in:

Marriages where there's an abuser
Marriages where there's neglect
Marriages where there's toxicity
Marriages where there's children conceived who weren't wanted...

Armadillostoes · 03/04/2017 21:34

Having sex, in long term relationships or otherwise, means risking a pregnancy. A married man might really, really not want a child for many valid reasons. If though his wife became pregnant because their contraception failed, it would still be wrong to pressure her about how to deal with it. She might for a whole host of reasons not be able to cope with the idea of abortion. Neither party would be a monster for feeling as they did in wanting or not wanting to continue the pregnancy. But trying to force a woman to have an abortion she didn't want to undergo would be shocking. It has to be the woman's choice in a civilised world-that doesn't make the man a victim.

Daydream007 · 03/04/2017 21:44

You and your baby deserve better than him

Crumbs1 · 03/04/2017 21:47

Complete misinterpretation to suit your own view. I am in UK and most friends are in long term (20 - 30 years) marriages. I only know one philanderer and he's always been the same - he's wife is miserable but then she became involved with him when he was living with someone else. Other than that most are monogamous, and no I'm not naive just mix with different people and have different core values. Amongst friends/neighbours only one is divorced and two widowed - all three remarried happily. I guess people tend to live near/mix with people they have more in common with.
Tolerant does not mean accepting that which you believe is wrong. I dislike racism and would hope others did too. That doesn't make them intolerant - usually the opposite. I dislike children being brought into world as an inconvenient consequence of casual sex. It disadvantages them unfairly.
My views are very obvious and I wasn't aware I had to give a cv of all opinions I hold before commenting.

Graphista · 03/04/2017 21:50

It's disingenuous and hypocritical to comment on threads regarding casual sex and/or unplanned pregnancies WITHOUT being clear about your views.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/04/2017 22:00

Crumbs Each to their own. I don't subscribe to your personal brand of relationship and you probably wouldn't mine. I have had quite a lot of casual sex in the past. In fact I was even with one casual partner for about 7 months. Had I 'got' pregnant I would never have foisted my happy family ideal on him. Even though at some point in my life I would like that - it seems rather disingenuous to me to play the innocent when you find yourself pregnant having known someone for all of a coffee date.

kali110 · 04/04/2017 09:28

I have never said the op has trapped her dp, or that having sex so soon was wrong, but this

Crumbs... just how are you supposed to establish a long term relationship without sex anyway?
Really? It is possible to have a relationship to have sex!
I also don't think it's unusual that crumbs friends are still in first marriages. I know 3 married people who are still with thir first ever bf.
Some people don't believe in sex before marriage, and some don't have sex straight away.

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