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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP hurt me about our baby

186 replies

RainbowCrashes · 01/04/2017 20:57

DP and I have been together 5 months. I recently discovered I am 5/6 weeks pregnant with my second child. It was a shock as I was on the pill. He has been supportiveish but its obvious he doesn't want the baby. We were chatting about our future tonight as we have both been stressed and not as close lately. I said to him Id like to feel a bit more supported and he said "Why? Its only like a pinhead. It doesn't even mean anything yet Rainbow." I kicked him out. I am DISGUSTED he said that. I am so upset and hurt he said it doesn't mean anything. I do not know if I will be able to ever forgive that.

Am I over reacting? Would you be livid and hurt too?

OP posts:

Graphista · 02/04/2017 12:02

"Graphista maybe yes crumb has only ever had sex in a marriage or a ltr? There are peoole that feel that way" yes - doesn't give them the right to judge those who don't and actually my point was if crumbs HAS had casual sex it could just as easily have been them with an unplanned pregnancy.

Graphista · 02/04/2017 12:06

"Does he not get a say in the matter?" In avoiding conception ? Yes which is why I and others have said he could have abstained, worn condoms and if he absolutely doesn't want more children - vasectomy.

After conception - no. At that point it affects the woman far more whatever choice she makes. Therefore her decision is final.

Iggi999 · 02/04/2017 12:08

Almostajillsandwich at the moment the baby will have a heartbeat, facial features beginning to form and buds for arms and legs. No brain yet but the neural tube is preparing for that to develop too.
What happens in the womb isn't just what you can see on a scan. I think because most people don't have a scan till 12 weeks they don't see it as beginning till then.

haveacupoftea · 02/04/2017 12:20

I think YABU. 5 weeks is still very early - there is a reason why they're referred to as beans on the pregnancy board and not babies. They aren't babies yet. After 5 months together it can hardly be surprising that he isn't exactly thrilled about an unplanned pregnancy.

Throwing him out was way OTT. You really need to grow up and be realistic about this.

user838383 · 02/04/2017 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 02/04/2017 12:27

Does he not get a say in the matter?

When it's in his body, he can have a say. His say ended when he didn't take additional precautions.

Asmoto · 02/04/2017 12:29

It sounds as though it might be a case of 'he's just not that into you' - at least, not into you enough to want to settle down and have a family. If he's been 'supportiveish' it seems he is trying to do the right thing by acknowledging his equal responsibility for the situation that's occurred - but if he doesn't want a child, it's unrealistic to expect him to be enthusiastic about it.

BarbarianMum · 02/04/2017 12:30

Bullshit, of course he gets a say. What he doesn't get is the casting vote. The law (in theory) ensures he'll have to pay maintenance for the child but he chooses whether to be a father to it.

Instasista · 02/04/2017 12:39

Ovaries if you're not using contraception and get pregnant it's not an accident is it? It's just getting pregnant. Unwanted maybe. Not accidental

Good point about only hearing about unplanned pregnancies that are not aborted I suppose

haveacupoftea · 02/04/2017 12:42

boopsy what a ridiculous comment. As if anyone conceives because they cant be bothered with contraception and casually has an abortion. The reality is totally different.

And why is bringing a child into circumstances that aren't ideal or where at least one parent doesn't want them and 'dealing with the consequences' somehow better than ending the pregnancy

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 02/04/2017 12:43

Ovaries if you're not using contraception and get pregnant it's not an accident is it? It's just getting pregnant. Unwanted maybe. Not accidental

I prefer "unplanned" to "unwanted", as some people continue unplanned pregnancies and want to keep it once they know they're pregnant.

I think I'm looking from the perspective of the opposite of accidental being deliberate; my then-boyfriend (now DH) and I certainly didn't think "Hmm I know let's get pregnant today". I think "unplanned" is the nice grey area in the middle that my pregnancy fell into

Instasista · 02/04/2017 12:44

It's not better that featus' are born at all costs. Not better at all.

LucieLucie · 02/04/2017 13:01

I feel sorry for guys in these circumstances. Op is wrong in trying to control his emotions about her getting pregnant.

If she chooses to continue with her unplanned pregnancy I hope she takes his feelings into account.

The sooner the male contraceptive pill is available the better, I bet the amount of 'accidental' pregnancies drastically decrease.

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/04/2017 13:12

No they wont.
The male contraceptive pill is been around for years.
All the side effects that women have been enduring for decades are not acceptable for men.

I think its highly unlikely that men will take a hormonal contraception. If they won't insist on a condom would they really take a tablet that might impact on their future fertility?

Or will they take it to protect themselves from all these scheming women desperate to reap the rewards of having a baby with a man who isn't interested

SingingSilver · 02/04/2017 13:19

The sooner the male contraceptive pill is available the better, I bet the amount of 'accidental' pregnancies drastically decrease.

I bet they won't. "Don't worry darlin', I'm on the pill" has been a tired old pub joke for decades for a reason.

And we'll be waiting a good while anyway because apparently a male pill that has the same list of side-effects the female pills have is just not acceptable.

SingingSilver · 02/04/2017 13:26

By the way, I don't know why people are saying they agree with the OPs partner.

For better or worse, 'the pinhead' does mean something. The OP is not going to terminate. He may not be happy about the baby but unless nature intervenes he will be a father and he should face up to that. Sticking his head in the sand is disrespectful when it's his girlfriend who will be dealing with the massive hormone changes and pregnancy side-effects, as well as the knowledge that if he skips off into the sunset she'll be raising a second child by herself.

And this is a scenario where 'but if the genders were reveeeersed' is pointless. And will remain pointless until men can get pregnant.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 02/04/2017 13:30

You think the morning after pill works because it prevents ovulation

That's exactly how the morning after pill works. Hence so many women are shocked when they get pregnant despite having taken it - if you take it having already ovulated it's pointless.

I haven't just made this up; comes from my SIL who is a gynaecologist.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/04/2017 13:32

I actually feel quite sorry for the bloke. You've known him for 5 minutes and you're pregnant and want him to join you in playing happy families. He probably feels like he's received a life sentence whilst you want to hold hands and walk around Mothercare.

Graphista · 02/04/2017 13:45

"All the side effects that women have been enduring for decades are not acceptable for men." Exactly! And why would they endure them when it's not them that gets pregnant ? Because whatever a woman chooses to do regarding an unplanned pregnancy has an effect on her.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/04/2017 14:06

I don't think she plans to take his feelings into account, it's very clear she wanted another child and to play happy families. His isn't a DP after just twenty weeks of dating and, given they both have children, should have gone much slower and certainly ensured contraception was robust.

Given the success rate of the pill and the fact that only one women in a 100 could get pregnant at ovulation point the majority of pill "accidents" are down to the user not the contraception.

DanDanDanDanDan · 02/04/2017 14:43

There are four million women on the pill in the uk rainbow. Awful lot of room for accidents

Armadillostoes · 02/04/2017 14:49

I'm sorry that some of the responses on here are so horrible OP. I don't get the pity party for this man. He had sex, he knew that the pill isn't 100% effective and chose not to use additional contraception. His right as an adult, but he took a risk and it materialised.

If the OP wants to continue with the pregnancy-for whatever reason, that is her right. Her body, her choice. And feeling connected to a future child in early pregnancy is natural, especially for someone who has been on the journey before.

LadyPW · 02/04/2017 15:12

He barely knows you, he's had a week to get used to the idea of becoming a father, physically it is a tiny pinhead & he's not seen it on a scan or anything where it would start to seem more real.... I wouldn't judge him that much. Of course it feels different to you - it's growing inside you. Not in him.
Whether or not he'll want to stick around & be part of its (and your) future only time will tell. But he needs more than a week to get used to the idea because if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy then that's going to change his life hugely too.

LucieLucie · 02/04/2017 15:22

Armadillo I don't think there's been any horrible replies, just people pointing out facts and reality.

Condoms aren't 100% reliable either. Saying he chose to have sex with her so therefore he deserves to have fatherhood foisted onto him so quickly is unfair.

As a couple they were using contraceptives to prevent a pregnancy, or at least he THOUGHT she was.

With women pulling stunts like this it's no wonder these robotic sex dolls are becoming such a thing! As a mother to a son this makes me so angry.

Her body, her choice yes so I hope she gets on with it well if that's what she wants.

I hope she doesn't make the selfish decision to knowingly bring another child into the world with no money, job, family support and with an absent father.

People are saying he should respect her decision not to terminate but she should respect his as well, not to be a dad at this point in time with her.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 02/04/2017 15:26

As a mother to a son this makes me so angry.

As a mother to a son myself I'm more concerned about FGM, rape, the attack on women in the USA and the fact that two women a week are killed by a male partner or formal partner

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