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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP hurt me about our baby

186 replies

RainbowCrashes · 01/04/2017 20:57

DP and I have been together 5 months. I recently discovered I am 5/6 weeks pregnant with my second child. It was a shock as I was on the pill. He has been supportiveish but its obvious he doesn't want the baby. We were chatting about our future tonight as we have both been stressed and not as close lately. I said to him Id like to feel a bit more supported and he said "Why? Its only like a pinhead. It doesn't even mean anything yet Rainbow." I kicked him out. I am DISGUSTED he said that. I am so upset and hurt he said it doesn't mean anything. I do not know if I will be able to ever forgive that.

Am I over reacting? Would you be livid and hurt too?

OP posts:

DuPainDuVinDuBoursin · 01/04/2017 21:22

It was malicious, I'm surprised posters are letting it go. It is a pin head but that doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything to you.

DuPainDuVinDuBoursin · 01/04/2017 21:25

Op is an adult little frog and it's none of your business if your daughter keeps a pregnancy. Also 5/6 weeks pregnant is only 3/4 weeks past conception

Viviennemary · 01/04/2017 21:26

His comment wasn't what you wanted to hear but really it is only just a few cells at that stage and hardly recognisable as a baby. You really haven't known him very long at all to be having his child especially as it wasn't planned. You will have to see how your relationship works out. I think you were overacting but even saying that I probably would feel the same in your situation. Let down and disappointed.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 01/04/2017 21:26

I do understand your feelings, but I do think men feel very differently about pregnancy than women. With my three, each time I got pregnant my DH said " Yeah but you're not really pregnant yet... " it was only real to him when we good the scan, but for me it was real as soon as the line changed on the pregnancy test. My dad is a fantastic father, but he couldn't understand why my mum was so upset about a later miscarriage. "It wasn't really as baby"

frozenfairy123 · 01/04/2017 21:27

Sorry but I can see his point of u a bit! He is probably freaking out about being a dad. Many men do when it's very much wanted and they have been together for ages. 5 months is not really long enough to know if u are meant to be together.
I think u need to have an adult conversation and work through this together.

JaneEyre70 · 01/04/2017 21:27

A pregnancy is a lot of stress to add to a new and fragile relationship OP. Considering you must have known him for 14ish weeks before getting pregnant, it's very soon and I can understand his shock when it's all new for him. You already have a child so it's a lot less daunting for you, you know what to expect.
I think you need to ask him to be really honest with you about his feelings on this, no matter how much it hurts. And can you go ahead with a pregnancy that he doesn't want?
I feel really sorry for you, it's a horrid position to be in. But if you're feeling distance from him already, you may have your answer.

Universitychallenging · 01/04/2017 21:28

I can see his point and your point.

I can completely understand why you want to keep the baby and also totally understand why he might not you to.

The only thing I would say is if you are going it alone, make sure he pays what he's supposed to.

Original poster

RainbowCrashes · 01/04/2017 21:29

He is a good guy and treats me well, but does lack empathy. I admit I am very very hormonal and teary as well as feeling utterly exhausted right now. Like me he already has a child from a previous relationship. And as someone said its not the pinhead comment its the it means nothing part.

Littlefrog please do not judge me. I would never have a termination in any circumstances. Thats my views.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 01/04/2017 21:29

People need to be allowed to have a reaction. Give him a chance. He may feel differently soon.

Asheth · 01/04/2017 21:29

No one here can answer your question. He's trying to be supportive, but he's not there yet. Maybe he never will be or maybe he'll turn into a doting dad. In a way he is right. It's tiny at the moment. He can't see it. He can't feel it. He can't do anything for it at the moment.

I have three DC and I only knew I was pregnant with one of them at the 5 week stage. It meant nothing to either me or their dad at that point. One of my pregnancies was unplanned and it took me and DH a lot longer than a week to feel anything for that child. He's seven now and we both adore him. I think you're overreacting to say you can never forgive him for his comments at this stage. It's how he behaves in the next months and even more after the baby is born that will count.

SeveredPixieBits · 01/04/2017 21:30

Ooh, LittleFrog you sound just lovely.

Jazzywazzydodah · 01/04/2017 21:37

Youboth have a very different out look on this.

You want the baby
He doesn't - it probably doesn't mean anything to him apart from head ache and money.

He is right though it may not even have a heartbeat yet.

However - the choice to have the pregnancy is 💯 yours but you can't force him to feel the same way you do.

It's shit but your clearly not on the same page, be ready for some stressful times

MyPerfectCousin · 01/04/2017 21:37

I've just read the last few comments and scrolled back up to see what LittleFrog posted that was so outrageous and, I have to say, I agree with LF

I cannot think of anything worse than finding out I was pregnant by someone I'd been seeing for a few weeks and, hence, barely knew.

user1490817136 · 01/04/2017 21:38

You're both under a tremendous amount of stress , and the stress on your newish relationship only adds to that. I do hope things calm down and that whatever happens you are both there for your baby.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/04/2017 21:42

My OH said something very similar when I was first pregnant with DC1.
He couldn't' see what all the fuss was about.
He just didn't get it at all.

Five kids and almost 30 years later we are still together.
I think all the 'kick him out' stuff is pretty stupid.

He may be rubbish but no one can tell that from a paragraph.

He doesn't want a baby. A week is no time at all to get used to it. It takes me a hell of a lot longer to get used to the idea of being pregnant and I was expecting it!

Give him time, keep talking, expect him to feel differently from you.
Good luck and congratulations.

Jazzywazzydodah · 01/04/2017 21:44

I think littlefrogs has a point

witsender · 01/04/2017 21:45

I can understand why you are hurt. However, you haven't been together long. He doesn't know you well, he undoubtedly doesn't love you. He didn't want a child, and has no choice now in having another one. He is 50% responsible for it of course, but that doesn't mean he will feel happy or loving about it at this stage.

He would have been better off not opening his mouth, and sounds mean. However i think you are expecting a lot of a casual partner at this stage.

littlefrog3 · 01/04/2017 21:45

Thanks myperfectcousin ... People can act all aghast and shocked and clutch their pearls, til the cows come home, but I am only saying what most people will be thinking. On here - AND in real life. Including the boyfriend.

I see the OP now claims she would never have a termination as 'that's her views.' Shame she didn't let her new boyfriend in on this.

So ... did you plan the baby OP?

littlefrog3 · 01/04/2017 21:46

Thanks jazzy too.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/04/2017 21:46

What point?
The OP didn't ask for opinions on her pregnancy and wtf is the point in ranting at someone (a grown adult) about a pregnancy that has already happened?

Does frog expect the op to have a termination because she doesn't approve of the pregnancy?

Original poster

RainbowCrashes · 01/04/2017 21:47

The thing is he is hard to talk to. Its like he is blinkered and never sees the bigger picture of situations. I am very much a deep thinker, think about the what how whys of things, he is not like that at all.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 01/04/2017 21:47

Your body and your choice is absolute.

I suppose he was on a hiding to nothing. Lie and pretend that he is happy and you find out later that he wasnt or he tells you the truth now. He told you the truth and you kicked him out. Thats going to make him want to be truthful in the future.

You have different views on a few things. Its amazing the number of women that seem to find this out about their partners when they are pregnant a handful of months into a relationship.

littlefrog3 · 01/04/2017 21:49

dupain Also 5/6 weeks pregnant is only 3/4 weeks past conception

littlefrog3 · 01/04/2017 21:50

firstmrsdv Does frog expect the op to have a termination because she doesn't approve of the pregnancy?

Don't talk such bollocks.

LanaorAna1 · 01/04/2017 21:54

OP, he doesn't want the baby.

I'd be horrified if that happened to me this early in a dating thing, to be honest. But give him time, it might come good. How old are you? Is this his first child?

What about you? How old are you?

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