DP hurt me about our baby

[RainbowCrashes]

DP and I have been together 5 months. I recently discovered I am 5/6 weeks pregnant with my second child. It was a shock as I was on the pill. He has been supportiveish but its obvious he doesn't want the baby. We were chatting about our future tonight as we have both been stressed and not as close lately. I said to him Id like to feel a bit more supported and he said "Why? Its only like a pinhead. It doesn't even mean anything yet Rainbow." I kicked him out. I am DISGUSTED he said that. I am so upset and hurt he said it doesn't mean anything. I do not know if I will be able to ever forgive that.

Am I over reacting? Would you be livid and hurt too?

I feel pity forhim simply that op has thrown him out for not reacting the way she wants! ( not that she is pregnant as accidents do happen and they both have to take responsibilty for it)
Also that 'he's had a week so i didn't just tell him' he's only had a week to adjust! To a pregnancy that he may not even want!

LucieLucie As a mother to a son (not an exclusive club by the way, it probably covers about 50% of us) you'd be better off letting go of the self-righteous anger and informing your son that as no one form of contraception is infallible, he should take care to always use condoms, whatever his partner is taking, until he wants to become a father. That's how he can protect himself and it's an amazing solution that is open to nearly all hetero sex havers!

LucieLucie I agree, if I had sons I'm not sure what I'd tell them. The only 100% reliable contraceptive is to just not have sex but obviously there is more to sex than conception. I think I'd just do my best to inform them that these are the risks. I'd feel so bad for them if they were in this position. Also agree with PP who hypothesised that it's almost always women who are against abortion that tend to get pregnant, that said, maybe the rest of them terminated and didn't make a stage show of it. Such a difficult position to be in.

Agree it should be a message we send to all boys/men, regardless of the length of relationship, marriage etc only rely on yourself for contraception as many female methods seem very prone to "accidents".

singingsilver~ As a mother to a son (not an exclusive club by the way, it probably covers about 50% of us) you'd be better off letting go of the self-righteous anger and informing your son that as no one form of contraception is infallible

Why do you think because I said I'm a mother to a son means I am part of an exclusive club?! odd comment to make

Also, no self-righteous anger here just an opinion that's obviously difficult for you to comprehend clearly.

Oh and my son is fully aware of the reason why he should always use condoms but also I make sure he knows that in the event of them failing the girl may fall pregnant and subsequently throw him out for making a medical reference to a pin head of cells rather than calling it 'a baby' which he didn't want.

lucie as a mother of two sons, I actually don't agree with you.
I think that, at the start of a relationhisp, it's essential to take measures that you won't take when you are in an established relationship. And 3~4 months when the OP got pg wasnt an established relationship.
That would also be the case if one partner is TOTALLY against a baby.

So yes I think it's up to BOTH partners to take some measures if they want to avoid a child.
So up to the man to use a condom if he is completely against a baby. And up to the woman to use the pill, coil whatever if she is really against it.

What you can't do is to rely totally on your partner and then said 'but I didn't want that outcome'. True for everything actually, not just sex and babies. If you want something that badly, then you need to take responsibility for it.

Unfortunately, with pg, the reality is that men (incl my sons) can just walk away. Even when they are involved in bringing up the child, they are likely to end up seeing them EOW. The disruption to their own life will be minimum compared to women.
If you add to that that actually you can also have a go at the woman for not being careful/responsible enough for something that bothers THEM, then you end up in the situation where women are left completely an dutterly responsible for the child whilst men can walk away wo a backwards glance.
And that's absolutely not right.

As the mother to four sons I am sure to explain to them that if they don't want a baby or a STI they use a condom and don't rely on chemical contraceptives taken by someone else.

Because I am trying to raise men who take responsibility and don't fall back on the 'she trapped me mummy' to get out of them.

I think we're confusing two issues here: there's taking responsibility for the pregnancy which is a potential consequence of having sex for each partner and there's being expected to be happy about it. There is a definite element here of if the prospective mother is happy about an unplanned pregnancy and gets all emotive about life being sacred and it's a baby from conception, the prospective father had damned well better get with the program and be happy about it too.

There is no suggestion here that this man will not be financially responsible or supportive of the eventual child, no, he's getting slammed simply because he dared express his real feelings about the pregnancy. We may have to suck up unfavourable outcomes from risky behaviour in life, we may have to accept our share of whatever blame is going around, we may have to roll our sleeves up and get on with it but that doesn't mean we have to like it or even pretend to like it and that applies just as equally to men as to women.

I am not confusing anything nor am I slamming him.
He doesn't sound happy about the pregnancy and I don't blame him but equally he simply has to suck it up.
That doesn't mean he has to play happy families but he will have to be a father.

He may well come to terms with it. People do. I hope so for everyone's sake.

Isn't it disappointing that there are still so many women out there who are so quick to accuse the OP of entrapping a poor defenseless man. Even citing her willingness to keep the baby as proof that she planned it all along

Never would I have considered having sex when I would not consider a side effect might be a child. I have never had anything other than long term relationships/ marriage. If you have sex then pregnancy is a risk - which is why I think it's best reserved for committed couples rather than hedonism. I don't know anyone amongst our friends who really thinks differently.
Yes I do judge because a child should be considered and wanted. It should not be disadvantaged because the parents just wanted a bit of inconsequential fun. An accident from a short term fling is no way to begin your life.

Instasista what evidence do you have for the idea that people who are anti abortion are more likely to get accidentally pregnant ...than the fact that the 'evidence' for such pregnancies no longer exists in those who are pro-abortion!

Universitychallenging why do you think the pill was being used incorrectly?

Can anyone explain the statistic for the pill? If it is 99% successful, does this mean for every 100 women using it, one will get pregnant at some point? Or for every time 100 penatrative heterosexual sexual acts happen for people having sex on the pill there will be one chance for pregnancy, there will be one pregnancy, or other?

Lucie "I think you should sit down together and discuss things maturely, see if continuing this pregnancy is in everyone's best interests..."

Why does the OP need to consider if this pregnancy is on her boyfriend's best interests?

Almost I agree with your thoughts at 11.03 today. Although I think there is brain activity before there is heartbeat. Or so I understand.

I wonder what do people think women are pregnant with before the baby is viable outside the womb? I don't expect women to continue an early pregnancy they don't want but before the baby is viable outside the womb it is usually still considered a baby.

Haveacupoftea do you know anyone who had a baby in ideal circumstances?

Can anyone explain the statistic for the pill? If it is 99% successful, does this mean for every 100 women using it, one will get pregnant at some point? Or for every time 100 penatrative heterosexual sexual acts happen for people having sex on the pill there will be one chance for pregnancy, there will be one pregnancy, or other?

Other. It means that if 100 women take it exactly as instructed, one a year will become pregnant (on average).

You think the morning after pill works because it prevents ovulation

That's exactly how the morning after pill works. Hence so many women are shocked when they get pregnant despite having taken it - if you take it having already ovulated it's pointless.

I'm concerned if your SIL is advising people to not take the MA pill if they've already ovulated because ^that is completely inaccurate.

As well as preventing ovulation, the MAP also works by preventing implantation of a fertilised egg. Hence why many consider the MAP as a form of abortion. It is NOT 'pointless' if you've already ovulated

Lucie, I've got a son too. If he gets someone pregnant I will be expecting him to take responsibility for his offspring.

It takes 2 to tango!

I hope you won't bring your son up to expect any women he gets pregnant to have an abortion so as not to mess up his life!

I agree with TheFirstMrsDV that it is so sad there are people out there, presumably including other women, who are quite quick to assume the OP has got pregnant on purpose!

Yes, he will be a father, needs to take responsibility but doesn't need to like it or br happy about it.

I guess for me the context of the conversation is, was he eluding to abortion, was he leading up to suggesting the OP end the pregnancy? I think it is fine for a couple to discuss this but I think the man needs to be aware this can be upsetting for the woman (or vice versa).

I'm also not sure if throwing him out means permanently, temporarily or whatever.

Thanks Margaret. I wonder how many women are on the pill in the UK?

3.5 million, according to this article, although it is a few years out of date: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/7728971/The-Pill-womans-best-friend.html.

It is worth noting, though, that the pill is actually more than 99% effective when taken properly: I've seen 99.8%, but I'm not sure how precise the figure really is. However, in practice it's about 91% effective, because most women don't take it exactly perfectly (I didn't when I used to be on the pill, and when I've had conversations with friends they normally also admit to having occasionally forgotten or been a bit late taking it). That's why the NHS pushes methods like the implant or the coil so strongly: they remove user error, and user error is overwhelmingly the most likely reason for contraceptive failure.

In response to Lucie-I didn't say that it was a question of deserving having fatherhood foisted on him. It is just the way that the world/biology works. The reality is that NO form of contraception is 100% reliable. If you choose to have sex with someone, pregnancy is a possible consequence. And if you are a man you have no right to expect your sexual partner to have an abortion.

I don't think the issue is necessarily that the OP got pregnant on purpose. But her sheer unwillingness to comprehend that a man who she's known for a matter of months might be somewhat taken aback by the fact that she is not only pregnant but wants him to be overjoyed by the prospect.
Each to their own, however. I am terrified of having boys for this very reason. Whether or not he will take an active part of his child's life is up to him but he will forever be linked to this child and have to financially support it.

Vladmirs "I am terrified of having boys for this very reason."

I have a boy and a girl, my girl has now started her periods and the terrible realisation that she could now become pregnant is very scary. If she were to, in an unplanned way it could totally affect her life in a way that I do not think would be the same for a boy. I really cannot imagine how anyone could think having a son is going to be more scary in this department than having a daughter!

Crumbs... just how are you supposed to establish a long term relationship without sex anyway?

What on earth is wrong with casual, recreational sex if you are singke for fun?
Jees... ive gone back to the puritan era. Pass me a hair shirt!

So when should a cou

Sorry.. so when should a new couple start having sex and decide it is a "long term relationship. " After 6 months.
We might as well sanction sex befoee marriage
What tosh. The issue is that contraception should be used if wanting to avoid pregnancy. By both parties, no matter the bature of the relationship.

All the comments about the pregnancy being not-quite-accidental are pretty shitty, and ill-informed.

The pill is 99% effective, which means if 100 women used it correctly for a year, one of them would fall pregnant.

I fell pregnant on the Mirena coil. That is even more effective than the pill, and there is nothing you can do to mess it up (i.e., you can't forget to take it, or make it less effective by being ill).

There are even cases where a vasectomy (the most reliable form of birth control) can reverse itself, and a pregnant can result. There is no 100% guaranteed form of birth control.

So if the OP says it was an accident, let's do her the courtesy of believing her.

How do you establish a long term relationship without sex? It's hardly rocket science, you wait. You consider whether your casual sex might result in a child and whether the two people having casual sex are prepared to rear a child. Just as one knows texting whilst driving causes 'accidents' and most people don't do it so casual sex causes 'accidents' that result in disadvantaged children and miserable people who have different expectations from relationships.

All this "woe is the boys" talk is silly...A pregnancy affects the female waaaaayyyy more than the male, for life. Be afraid of having a girl if you are that way inclined.

It is hardly surprising he isn't thrilled. He has a somewhat blunt mode of expression, but I wouldn't be thrilled either a d would hope for a little empathy from my girlfriend.