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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP hurt me about our baby

186 replies

RainbowCrashes · 01/04/2017 20:57

DP and I have been together 5 months. I recently discovered I am 5/6 weeks pregnant with my second child. It was a shock as I was on the pill. He has been supportiveish but its obvious he doesn't want the baby. We were chatting about our future tonight as we have both been stressed and not as close lately. I said to him Id like to feel a bit more supported and he said "Why? Its only like a pinhead. It doesn't even mean anything yet Rainbow." I kicked him out. I am DISGUSTED he said that. I am so upset and hurt he said it doesn't mean anything. I do not know if I will be able to ever forgive that.

Am I over reacting? Would you be livid and hurt too?

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 01/04/2017 21:56

I see his point of view. The phrase "it doesn't mean anything yet" can, in my opinion, mean that he hasn't quite had the time to digest the information yet and therefore he hasn't had time to think or gather any meaning.

And he's right about the size too.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant today and I'd say my OH has only started acting as if we'll have a baby together in the past few weeks. Before that he barely spoke about the baby as it still wasn't real to him, and in the beginning we went on as normal as he hadn't processed the information nor bonded.

Some people react differently, that is okay. If he already has a child he obviously isn't opposed to them, although having a child with someone you barely know isn't the best situation to deal with.
Oh and a week isn't that long a time frame, you don't get to decide when someone should be able to deal with someone or react in the way you want.

MyPerfectCousin · 01/04/2017 21:57

The thing is he is hard to talk to. Its like he is blinkered and never sees the bigger picture of situations. I am very much a deep thinker, think about the what how whys of things, he is not like that at all.

This is why it's not a good idea to get pregnant, and link yourself in such a permanent way, to someone you are just getting to know.

At the point at which you might otherwise be thinking, "ah... maybe this man I fancied like mad isn't a good fit for me afterall... shall I give it another week or just end it now..." instead you're talking babies and getting upset that he can see it's a bad idea whilst you can't.

Alconleigh · 01/04/2017 21:58

He's right in that it's not a baby at this point. He's not right that it doesn't mean anything.

I'd have a termination without a second thought but I am not you. If you're happy to go it alone then carry on and see if he comes round with a bit more time. If not, you have your answer.

Yukbuck · 01/04/2017 22:04

Just because you can't ever terminate, doesn't mean he should change is way of thinking. He can't help how he feels. If I found out I was pregnant that early into a relationship I'd be freaking out too.
When you say you were on the pill, did you miss a few?
My friend 'accidently' got pregnant because she 'thought' she was taking her pill every day but accidently missed some. I don't really understand how you can do that as they have days of the week on them! To be fair to him, he thought you were on the pill so this will be a total shock that you are pregnant.
If you feel happy to go it alone then I salute you and you can stand strong. He may over time, come around the the idea.

user1490817136 · 01/04/2017 22:05

Regardless of the hows and whys , the OP is pregnant and sounds very much attached to ther baby. She has said that she won't terminate.

Her partner made this baby with her (contraception failed , this happens) , he understood the possible outcomes when he DTD with her! He's a grown man who shouldn't be having sex if he didn't know this :-)

The more relevant issue here is whether she goes ahead alone or with her partner.

Good luck OP!

kali110 · 01/04/2017 22:06

I think you are overreacting.
It is the size of a pin, it doesn't have a heartbeat, doesn't feel pain etc
I don't even think 'it doesn't mean anything yet' is that bad.
Too you yes it does, but no not too him.

You've only been together 5 months and are already pregnant.
You've decided to keep it which ofcourse you can, but it may hard for him to come to terms with it ( a week is nothing) especially as as it's so early.
You both are allowed to express how you feeling.
He may not step up, which case you are prepared, or he may become a great father.

SovietKitsch · 01/04/2017 22:13

I understand what he's said has hurt you, but I don't think any of it is so awful. I'm pregnant with DC4 and haven't felt anything for any of them before the 12 week scan - until I saw them then it didn't mean anything to me.

Give him some space, take some time and decide independently of the pregnancy whether you want to stay together as a couple or not.

user1481795553 · 01/04/2017 22:13

I found out that I was pregnant with ds1 after being with dp for 6 weeks, we've been together for quite a while now and couldn't be happier.
The amount of time you've been together is irrelevant, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and that's life.
Op, as long as you realise that you may have to do this on your own and don't rely on the father, you will be ok.
Don't listen to littlefrog and the likes, judging you will not help, but you do really need to decide your future with this man.

hoddtastic · 01/04/2017 22:14

i think this is a fuck up, it's a baby neither of you wanted (?) or planned for, he doesn't want to play happy families with a nigh on stranger, dragging 2 other kids into it.

Brace yourself for a direct debit and nothing else, and I can't really blame him to be honest. Don't delude yourself he's ever going to be happy/come good.

LilacSpatula · 01/04/2017 22:15

FlowersFlowersFlowers i don't know what else to send you. If you're happy and he's not then perhaps you have to go your own way?

Guitargirl · 01/04/2017 22:15

12 years ago OP I was in a similar position. Newly pregnant with a man I had been seeing for 5 months. I was 30 at the time, he was 34. I have no doubt that our parents were a bit surprised (to say the least!) but I would hope that they didn't 'wonder where they had gone wrong' Hmm.

Anyway, the man of 5 months is now DP of 12 years and we have 2 children. I have no doubt that we have surprised quite a few people who thought it would never have worked: including one friend who was married at the time, had a rant at me when I told her I was pregnant about 'bastard' children and has since got divorced.

But we were on the same page about the pregnancy right from the beginning. We talked about it and decided that no matter what happened with us as a couple we both very much wanted to have our baby. Nobody can ever be 100 percent confident in the future of any relationship. A quick scan of the relationship section on here is enough to evidence that.

I wish you and your baby well OP Flowers.

HeddaGarbled · 01/04/2017 22:17

I think you are being unfair to him. He's not really your partner - you've been dating for 5 months which is far too short a time to know whether you are likely to want to stay together long term. And now this bombshell has hit you both which will link you together for the rest of your lives. His emotions must be all over the place, same as yours. He made one insensitive remark and you've reacted like he's a child murderer or something. Calm the fuck down and cut the guy some slack.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/04/2017 22:17

Some people, women as well as men, don't think it is much more than a bunch of cells at the embryonic stage. It's just a different perspective on life and when it has value. I don't think being offended because he has a different point of view from you on this issue is particularly reasonable, nor is it helpful for the two of you.

BUT his tone of voice and lack of empathy for you are very real issues. He is presumably under some stress too, but it's no excuse for not trying to appreciate what you're going through and your needs.

Where do you want to go from here? It can be hard, if the pregnancy is playing up your hormones to take a step back and think about what you're going to want when the dust has settled, but it will help you in the future if you can do so.

Iggi999 · 01/04/2017 22:18

Kali a six week old pg will almost certainly have a heartbeat.

Wando1986 · 01/04/2017 22:20

I'd be more concerned you thought you were 'close' to someone that you've only been with for a few months. I've had cheese in our fridge for longer than that.

Given his current attitude you'd be best winging it or sorting it out. I wouldn't want someone that could be so cold as the father of my kids.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/04/2017 22:22

Little well what was the point in your little tirade then?

The woman is already pregnant, not asking if she should get pregnant.

Talking of bollocks.... They would probably only keep it if they had planned it

Crunchymum · 01/04/2017 22:22

Actually Iggi I think it's hit and miss @ 6w even if you knew 100% when conception took place.

6w is about the absolute earliest you'd see a HB, if you're lucky.

MsGameandWatch · 01/04/2017 22:25

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Voice0fReason · 01/04/2017 22:27

I understand why he reacted like that. I felt the same about an unwanted pregnancy of my own. It was a pinhead and I had no emotional attachment to it.
This must have come as a huge shock to him.

MsGameandWatch · 01/04/2017 22:27

OP. I think you need to be pragmatic. I don't think he's in it for the long haul and think he will bow out soon if he hasn't already tonight. Best thing you can do now is just leave him to his nasty ways and let him think about what he said. I hope you have a positive outcome from him though.

MsGameandWatch · 01/04/2017 22:30

Another thing, you've had a child, you know what this means, yoube experienced the outcome and know how much love you feel for your child, he doesn't yet.

FuckDietCoke · 01/04/2017 22:32

littlefrog could you sound anymore judgemental? Read the OP! She was on the pill.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 01/04/2017 22:33

What a surprise, littlefrog is here Grin

Flowers OP. You say you're prepared to go it alone; only you can make that decision for yourself.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/04/2017 22:33

He is right, it is the size of a pin.

Given you have been dating for such a short amount of time you were both silly not to consider STIs and the pill is highly reliable so it's usually user error.

You seem happy, it may make him doubt he accidental it was.

DuPainDuVinDuBoursin · 01/04/2017 22:43

Pregnancy is dated from your last menstrual period little frog, as in before you even had sex. So five weeks does not mean five weeks past conception so the dates you were using were incorrect

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