DP hurt me about our baby

[RainbowCrashes]

DP and I have been together 5 months. I recently discovered I am 5/6 weeks pregnant with my second child. It was a shock as I was on the pill. He has been supportiveish but its obvious he doesn't want the baby. We were chatting about our future tonight as we have both been stressed and not as close lately. I said to him Id like to feel a bit more supported and he said "Why? Its only like a pinhead. It doesn't even mean anything yet Rainbow." I kicked him out. I am DISGUSTED he said that. I am so upset and hurt he said it doesn't mean anything. I do not know if I will be able to ever forgive that.

Am I over reacting? Would you be livid and hurt too?

yes she was on the pill but had been dating the bloke for five months-why on earth weren't they using condoms??

it stuns me that people take such a casual attitude to bringing new life into the world. people somehow think a baby is less of a commitment than a marriage when really- it is so much more.

He is right-it is the size of a pinhead.

BUT he should have been using condoms when he was having sex with someone he knew so little.

I think the fact that you say it's obvious he doesn't want the baby is your real issue.

If he doesn't want the baby, he isn't going to be enthusiastic and care about how things are developing. You can't make him care.

You might want to consider ending things as amicably as possible now, and then you don't have to see him at all until the baby is here. That might be less painful?

Littlefrog why would people think it was planned? I am not sure how you reached that conclusion cos I didn't get that from her OP.

OP men can be insensitive pigs at times. My friends had a miscarriage a few months ago. The relationship was just casual and I when she had the miscarriage he said it was probably for the best. It may well have been the case but you just don't say it at the time when someone is actually going through it.

Anyway it sounds like you are keeping the baby. What you need to decide is if you want to do it alone. It sounds like he might not be reliable in the future and you might need to be prepared for that.

You seem happy, it may make him doubt he accidental it was.

I'll never understand how men can stick their unprotected penises in women they don't yet know they can trust! But they certainly do...

She's already said she was on the pill and it was a shock so why the fuck would you think it was planned?!

Hey guess what? Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you have to make choices, OP had chosen to keep the baby, it's her body and her choice regardless of how long they've been together or what he thinks about it, he can walk away if he chooses.

OP, hormones will be making you extra sensitive but that comment would hurt quite a few people in the early stages of pregnancy whoever they came from! I recall someone telling me to stop referring to it as a baby because it was just a bunch of cells right now, I was hurt, it happens.
Take it one day at a time, if you're willing to do it alone then plan for that and let him do whatever it is he is going to do, he will anyway.

A contraceptive failure pregnancy has no way of differentiating between a five month relationship and a 16 year marriage. I also think it's possible for two people who like or love each other to decide to use the pill only if they're exclusive and don't have stis. Nothing shocking here

OP it's a big shock for you both. It will take longer than a week to Properly sink in. A pregnancy isn't the same for men either. He isn't the one who has the baby inside his body. A woman will often Connect with a baby from Conception because pregnancy is often all Consuming. For a man it's just a vague concept at this point.

Many men who go on to be amazing fathers don't feel connected to the baby at this stage and I imagine many of them have thought this even if they haven't voiced it. Yes it's not good but right now your worlds are still upside down. It may take him a while to figure out what he wants. I know people who got pregnant accidentally who have spent weeks getting used to the idea. It takes time for a lot of People to get their head around it all.

You need to cut him a little slack but prepare yourself for the the fact that you may have to go this alone. He shouldn't be nasty so do explain why it upset you so much but also try to understand that this may take longer to sink in for him. He may come round or he may not. I wish you all the best whatever happens.

Anyone agreeing with littlefrog you are an insensitive idiot. Not everyone is out to trap a man ffs. Contraception is not 100% even when used correctly. More people should think about that. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

A women's right to choice includes the right to keep a baby no matter the circumstances. It's a right to choose not a right to abort if you've not known the guy for a specified length of time.

"I'll never understand how men can stick their unprotected penises in women they don't yet know they can trust!"

This is an important point. DP and I use more than one method of contraception as we are in no way interested in having kids. I would go further and also suggest this:

I'll never understand women who expect their new and as yet basically unknown partners to be as happy as they are at unplanned pregnancies.

I've only read the first couple pages of the thread but it's ridiculous how differently people see an unborn baby depending on the situation it's being born into. Accidents happen and people get pregnant in less than ideal circumstances - this isn't going to be the first baby born into a young relationship and it won't be the last.
OP - if you're prepared to go it alone, well, your DP has about 8 months to figure out if he's going to stock around or not.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

I also agree that it's in no way a given that he should be as excited as you.

There are also some women who don't connect to a pregnancy straight away and men who do. Everyone is different. There is no wrong way to feel in these circumstances.

I expect any man to have sex with me to be perfectly pleased with any result or he could have kept his dick to himself.

DuPainDuVinDuBoursin

How do you make that happen? Pre-sex interview, questionnaires? Full and frank discussion at an early point of the relationship where you explain that you can both use contraception but if it fails you expect to have a full on delighted party to celebrate that failure? Do you plan every life event around the fact that your contraception could fail so you can be perfectly pleased yourself. Will you be perfectly pleased about a failure in contraception?

If the OP was the one saying it meant nothing to her and wanting a termination I think most people would be saying that her feelings were entirely valid. So I don't see why this guy should be vilified for being unenthusiastic. I'd be perfectly horrified to have got pregnant early in a relationship tbh.

I expect that if I'm having sex with an adult male he should be grown up enough to expect pregnancy is always a potentiality and that if I do get pregnant he should at the very least not be a cunt about it. The op didn't ask for jazz hands. "Shit, this is scary" would have been fine I'm guessing. Telling your partner they dont need support because it 'doesn't mean' anything is a cunt move. Even if she wanted an abortion he should be expected to provide support.

Why do we expect so fucking little

He has a right to his feelings, however badly he put them.

OP I understand that you are thrilled about this. He, however, is not. It's not fair for you to expect him to be happy, invested, involved. Chances are very good that he'll simply walk away at some point.

If it were me, I think I'd have a frank discussion with him and release him from any emotional obligation. I'd tell him 'if you don't want this, then you need to walk away right now'. I'd make it clear to him that you expect him to financially support his child, but that if he's not 100% sure he wants to stick around and support you (emotionally) then it's better that you get used to being on your own before the baby comes.

Crunchy I didn't say you would see the heartbeat (though I have seen one bang on 6 weeks) but that it would have one. And it should, by 6 weeks with normal development.

Why do we expect so fucking little

Because we expect rather than ensure. DP and I have had many conversations about what sex means to us, including what happens in a pregnancy. And it was a conversation we had before sex.

Expecting people to behave how we want them to is a really odd way to go in a world where each of us is an individual. Sure, there a laws and other societal norms that help create a framework around which some expectations can be built but we are not taught how to react to an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. And I am always confused that we expect people to lie as opposed to telling us the truth in these types of situations. You have called him a cunt for telling the truth. Why should we expect the truth from people when that is the reaction?

Its the start of our child
Yes but doesn't see it like that because you've only been together 5 months, which is nothing. Nor would I tbh.

There are men and women who don't see a pregnancy as a baby until X point. And ditto those who see a pregnancy as a baby from the moment of conception. I fall into the latter category but I don't judge those who fall into the former.

I DO judge those of the former who judge those of us in the latter!

He was incredibly insensitive and deserves a bollocking for that but he also deserves a chance to get his head round it. A week is very early days.

My first pregnancy was unplanned and I had recently split from the father too, I mc before I had a chance to get my head round it! Didn't make the mc any less painful or upsetting.

I also know someone who fell pregnant early in a new relationship VERY unexpectedly (post cancer treatment and many years of not using contraception after the cancer with ex. Using condoms - sti protection) even the dr was shocked by that one!

I also know a man who was devastated when his then partner chose to abort their unplanned pregnancy, which wasn't what he wanted. He was supportive but the relationship broke down. He is now a father with someone else.

All circumstances were different and emotions run high. It's an incredibly difficult situation to deal with.

That said, I do wish men would take actual equal responsibility for contraception. You don't say op but if he doesn't want any more children EVER he is perfectly capable of getting a vasectomy. If not until relationship established then condoms as well as pill is advisable.

In any case I am repeatedly flabbergasted that ANYONE has unprotected sex without full sti screening and a wait of at least 6 months following last time of having sex. Several sti's have an incubation period of several months. And even then you can't be sure because people cheat!

It sounds if he is in denial, and with bloody good reason. Merrily in the first stages of a relationship and thinking about romance and shagging. Of course we should all be prepared for pregnancy if we're having sex but it's not the thing at the top of your mind at this stage of a relationship.

Suddenly his entire life has changed and he's probably scared, angry and worried.

Only you can vaguely tell if he's a good man who said something really shit in the middle of him feeling emotional. Or he's a shitty bloke who's been hiding it. But at five months in, you likely have no clue. A few weeks, everyone is still on their best behaviour.

Congratulations OP. This time last year we had a little pin head too. Now I'm feeding a gorgeous four month old as I type. She was important to me from the start.
He's being silly. Try not to be upset by it. The most amazing thing in the world is about to happen to you!

I'm trying to imagine the responses here if the situation were reversed i.e. he was all
excited about the unplanned pregnancy and OP wasn't and she were the one who said it's just a meaningless pinhead/bundle of cells. Would we be calling her insensitive and cruel? I doubt it, we'd all be bigging up her right to feel anyway she wants to feel. I think his opinion is as valid as hers is - he's not thrilled about prospective parenthood - and he had as much right to voice that opinion as she did the opposite opinion.

Rainbow, I've not read all comments, but some.

His comment was crass and stupid. You are right to be upset.

Because the baby (however big she or he may be at this moment) is in your body, and because you are already completely committed to the baby, you are viewing things differently to him.

IMHO, I would suggest you forgive his thoughtless comment, explain that you are rather sensitive at the moment, and if he had a person growing inside him, he would probably feel that way too!

Then I would spend the next few months working out if he really is partner material and if you want to stay together and I would allow him to see as much of me as he needed to work out what was best for him.

You were on the pill, it was an accident, had he been more concerned he could have used a condom too. His choice, your choice, now there is a baby on the way. If he misses out on knowing his child I am sure one day he will feel utterly gutted.

So regardless of whether you are going to be the love of his life or not, he has to work out how he feels about the baby and what his response will be.

He will need to pay maintenance to support the baby, but he doesn't have to stay with you, and you do not have to stay with him.

Give him a chance, if you can, to see what is right. for both of you.

PS my dp was not remotely interested during the pregnancy but fell in love with her at birth. He is quite scientific and thought he would be interested in all the 'size of a grape', 'size of a watermelon' stuff - but in reality he could not connect until she was 'here'!

We are total opposites, DH and I. It can work.

But OP just go slowly, see where it leads.

Babies are so amazing, as you know already!

I only managed one by IUI and C-section, and another by adoption.

So many women long to do what you are doing naturally. It was not planned but from now on you can plan, and take control, if it is right for you all, I do hope your dp will shape up and move on with you ... and if not, you will be a great mum alone.

Good luck, and congratulations,