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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP hurt me about our baby

186 replies

RainbowCrashes · 01/04/2017 20:57

DP and I have been together 5 months. I recently discovered I am 5/6 weeks pregnant with my second child. It was a shock as I was on the pill. He has been supportiveish but its obvious he doesn't want the baby. We were chatting about our future tonight as we have both been stressed and not as close lately. I said to him Id like to feel a bit more supported and he said "Why? Its only like a pinhead. It doesn't even mean anything yet Rainbow." I kicked him out. I am DISGUSTED he said that. I am so upset and hurt he said it doesn't mean anything. I do not know if I will be able to ever forgive that.

Am I over reacting? Would you be livid and hurt too?

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 02/04/2017 03:38

Some men are daft enough to think this is a viable tactic to communicate they're not too happy with the circumstances, without having to say termination/abortion. I sadly believe that's what he would prefer to happen, as you're in a fairly new relationship, it wasn't expected.

Men can say the most horrid things, he believed it was safe with you being on the pill, it must have been mixed up or something, as a GP told me you'd need to have dysentery for it to fail that way. But it's a happy mix up for you.

You're already a single Mum to one amazing DC. If he doesn't come round and runs for the hills, I have every belief this baby will be loved deeply. I don't care if it was an accident or on purpose, that's not our business, it doesn't change the circumstances, I trust you to be wise enough that if the relationship isn't great, a baby isn't the sticky plaster or magic wand that'll make it better. So the insinuation that you did it on purpose is quite frankly offensive.

You see this as a baby, MN is a wonderful community, im sure we'll rally around to help if you need it. I do hope your DP comes round to the idea, but if he doesn't it's his loss. Flowers

BCGRMDP · 02/04/2017 06:53

my ex at 6 weeks pregnant decided he would wish my son dead. he then on several occasions punched me in the stomach over the duration of the pregnancy until 36 weeks when he then kicked me in the stomach.

my point is that 6 week pregnant blob is now my 6 month old beautiful boy and im still disgusted every day that his father thing ever wanted him dead. its the sort of thing you dont just forget and move on.

YANBU

skerrywind · 02/04/2017 07:10

A baby is a life from the split second of conception. How can he say it means nothing. This is his and your future child.

But some forms of contraception rely on disposing of the "life" on a regular basis- the coil, the contraceptive pill, the morning after pill

OP your boyfriend was insensitive, but realistic.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 02/04/2017 07:18

But some forms of contraception rely on disposing of the "life" on a regular basis- the coil, the contraceptive pill, the morning after pill

That's incorrect; all the methods you've listed simply prevent ovulation. They don't terminate pregnancy.

skerrywind · 02/04/2017 07:31

You think the coil prevents ovulation? You think the morning after pill works because it prevents ovulation?

I think you need a biology lesson.

The pill works in several ways, One of the mechanisms is making the uterine lining inhospitable to a fertilized ovum, it is therefore discarded.

calli335 · 02/04/2017 07:31

I think you should give it some time before deciding to LTB.

MargaretCavendish · 02/04/2017 07:37

I agree that he was trying to suggest abortion. I don't think he did so very well or sensitively, but I also don't think it's so terrible for him to express that this is his preference. The decision remains entirely OP's, of course.

skerrywind · 02/04/2017 07:45

I agree Margaret.

Huldra · 02/04/2017 08:27

I've been in a similar situation and we went through many emotions. We were happy establishing our life together after seeing each other for 6 months and living together for 2. Our automatic response was to get an abortion because we had never considered children at that point. It was just a pin head and particularly for my partner there was no reason to be emotionally attached. My mind started to change because morning sickness set in early and I was very physically aware of being pregnant.

When I decided to keep the baby I was clear in my mind that it was my decision and he may want no part of it, I had to be prepared for that posibility.

If he's usually a good person and you get on I would let the remark go for a few days before discussing the situation. Be prepared that he may still view the pregnancy in a vry different way from you and that doesn't make him some horrible human. My husband reacted very differently when we had our planned second, he viewed that as a baby straight away.
Do you both want or would consider an abortion.
If you don't and he does what are his feelings. Does he need time? Taking into consideration time scales for procedures.
If he's adamant he wants no part are you happy to do it alone again.

Flowers
Instasista · 02/04/2017 08:34

I knew you'd say that OP. You have just proved my hypothesis. Why are the people who are so anti abortion so much more likely to be pregnant by mistake? I find that all the time, unsuitable pregnancy and they dont believe in abortion.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/04/2017 08:40

OP this is so hard. I personally don't think he said anything that warranted kicking him out (though of course you're entitled to end the relationship if you want).

He didn't wish any harm on your baby or anything like that, which would be unforgivable. But from what you've said, that's not what happened.

The problem is that you barely know each other. Having a baby can cause enormous strain on even the most sturdy and long-standing of relationships. You haven't had time to become a fully-fledged couple. You refer to him as your partner but really at this stage he's a boyfriend. I'm not trying to undermine the relationship but that's really what a 5 month relationship is - boyfriend and girlfriend, who are now having a baby.

If you want to keep the baby, then there is no reason why you can't do that. Do what's right for you and the baby now. You can see how the relationship goes but keep an open mind that the relationship may not work out. Having a baby doesn't automatically mean things will work - in fact, I would say the relationship is more likely to break down.

You and the baby will be fine, just do what you think is right.

(I also think people calling the boyfriend a bastard are very silly. Why is he a bastard?)

Crumbs1 · 02/04/2017 09:03

The pill is 99% effective if taken properly - so perhaps the 'accident' isn't quite such an unexpected thing. He may well be thinking he has been 'had' - and he wouldn't be first man to be so.
The baby's heartbeat starts around 6 weeks, so he was factually accurate.
You're only six weeks pregnant what particular support do you need? He'll be thinking there's a pregnancy he didn't want and now you want to play happy families. Not unreasonably, since your seemingly happy with pregnancy.
Why do people sleep together before they're ready to commit to raising a child together? Why is creating a child seen as being of so little consequence that it's become Ok to have sex with strangers? Poor baby!
I think you need to wake up, grow up and stop moaning about a partner who feels duped (not unreasonably) and start looking to the future and how it's going to work.

Instasista · 02/04/2017 09:34

Most accidents aren't accidents are they? Just failure to use contraception or use it properly

Universitychallenging · 02/04/2017 09:45

I feel for him. He has been with the op and she has told him she's on the pill, hence he wasn't using condoms. And that's reasonable with two people who are exclusive.

But the op doesn't seem to have taken her pill correctly or else she would be highly unlikely to be pregnant. It know it happens but if the pill is taken correctly it's unlikely.

I can understand him feeling upset. TBH.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 02/04/2017 10:02

Most accidents aren't accidents are they? Just failure to use contraception or use it properly

That's kind of what "accidental pregnancy" is accepted to mean Hmm

No-one says accidental pregnancy in the sense of "Oops, there I was walking down the road when I stumbled upon some fertility and now I am pregnant, what an accident!". It's contraception failures/not using it/not using it properly/getting drunk/similar stupidity. I'm quite open that my accidental/unplanned/whatever you want to call it pregnancy was down to stupidity. Forgetting to take the Pill I can blame on something else, but being a horny teenager and deciding to go ahead and have sex anyway was sheer stupidity Grin

skerrywind · 02/04/2017 10:03

Why do people sleep together before they're ready to commit to raising a child together?

Really?

What a puritanical attitude.

Maybe people like having sex because it's fun.

Graphista · 02/04/2017 10:06

My first pregnancy I was on the pill, taking properly, religiously, no d&v no antibiotics. It happens.

If he was SO anti a baby at this stage he could have abstained, used condoms. It is NOT just down to the woman.

Crumbs1 have you NEVER had ANY kind of casual sex? Have you waited until you're in a ltr or marriage to have sex?

Universitychallenging · 02/04/2017 10:07

I agree he should have kept using condoms. But it's not unreasonable in an exclusive relationship where the woman has (I assume) told him that she's on the pill and they've discussed that as their contraceptive option, that he stopped and relied on the pill.

MsGameandWatch · 02/04/2017 10:17

I knew you'd say that OP. You have just proved my hypothesis. Why are the people who are so anti abortion so much more likely to be pregnant by mistake? I find that all the time, unsuitable pregnancy and they dont believe in abortion

Well those are the pregnancies you hear about aren't they? Because they're being kept. People don't tend to shout about accidental pregnancies that immediately lead to abortions. So your hypothesis has not been proved at all.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 02/04/2017 10:29

Well those are the pregnancies you hear about aren't they? Because they're being kept. People don't tend to shout about accidental pregnancies that immediately lead to abortions. So your hypothesis has not been proved at all.

This.

LucieLucie · 02/04/2017 10:53

I think yabu op.

He said 'it's only a pinhead' yes and he is correct. Medically you have a pregnancy just now which is a basically a bunch of cells at the moment, certainly not a 'baby'.
It sounds to me like you had some massive expectation that this man you barely know would be jumping for joy.

He doesn't want the pregnancy/child. Does he not get a say in the matter? Have you given him the chance to discuss it with you at all? He presumably trusted you were on the pill and we're taking it responsibly?

I think you should sit down together and discuss things maturely, see if continuing this pregnancy is in everyone's best interests. Throwing him out because he stated a fact was absolutely ridiculous.

kali110 · 02/04/2017 11:00

green yes completely agree if it was the other way round!
Also really fed up with all the 'men think like this' Hmm
I agree with the guy and i'm a woman!
Some men wouldn't agree at all with what he said.

Graphista maybe yes crumb has only ever had sex in a marriage or a ltr? There are peoole that feel that way Confused

kali110 · 02/04/2017 11:01

That was meant to be !there are people that are this way'

AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/04/2017 11:03

Different people have different feelings/thoughts on when a life becomes a life. At the moment, your embryo is still a mass of cells with no chance of life if it wasn't in a womb, so some see that as not a life/baby. Until it is viable to survive outside of the womb, some people just don't see it as a baby, same way they don't see abortion as murder etc.
At this moment, it doesn't have a heartbeat, brain, organs etc so to some, it is no different then any other type of cell mass, like growths, tumours etc. Some people just have a very clinical mindset, to him what he said wasn't offensive and it isn't a baby, and he wouldn't feel negatively emotional if you aborted/miscarried.

You of course have a right to feel completely the opposite, but a week really isn't a long time for him to come to terms with the fact you're pregnant, especially as being on the pill this wasn't supposed to happen. He's made it clear he doesn't want to continue the pregnancy, but that's ultimately your call.

MyPerfectCousin · 02/04/2017 11:05

Yes, I agree with this man and I'm a woman too.

And I certainly ain't no manpleaser...