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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DS go even for free?

200 replies

UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 11:58

Ds gets pocket money each week. Usually spends it on phone credit and wrestlers.

This week his friends mum asked did he want to go to an activity with her son. I asked DS did he want to go (with his pocket money) and he said no, he had seen something wrestling related he wants to by.
I told other mum that sorry he has spent his pocket money this week. Maybe another time.
She came back and said could he even afford half and she would pay half. I explained that he had been given the choice and he has to learn he can't have everything .
She then came back and said she would pay for him to go. I again said thanks very much for the offer but he can't go those week.

She is insisting she doesn't mind but the thing is DS already gets more thwn the other two kids, they are younger and think a kinder egg is a great treat so at the moment it's not really an issue but it just seems so unfair.

So AIBU to stick with my guns and say no. She wants him to go to keep her ds company.

OP posts:
llangennith · 01/04/2017 15:16

This thread is getting a bit like CANCEL THE CHEQUEGrin

Smallangryplanet · 01/04/2017 15:17

I have an only and ask his friends to join us on days out and am happy to pay. I am mindful that he is in a privileged position and he isn't allowed everything he wants.

I grew up in a large family and my parents would have tried to make things fair for my siblings. There aren't always funds available to find lots of activities. I think your rule sounds sensible to help learn about budgeting.

I think you've been given a really hard time.

sonjadog · 01/04/2017 15:17

This thread is interesting in how it reveals that many posters don´t actually read before posting.

Lynnm63 · 01/04/2017 15:24

I've rtft. YABU to only let him go to things he pays for out of his pocket money. I understand the point of budgeting as one if my dc spends money on a wrestling game. I personally think that's a waste of money but it's his money. YANBU to spend money you don't have so if you were skint prioritising is fine. if you could afford it and he wanted to go then imo you should pay and let him go. If you couldn't afford it and he wanted to go I'd gratefully accept the offer to pay from his friends mum and not feel guilty as she'd be paying to ensure her son had a good time. If he doesn't want to go that's fair enough but he needs to tell his friend he doesn't want to do the activity and not hide behind no money as an excuse.

kali110 · 01/04/2017 15:52

TiredCluelessMummy the other mom offered to pay, if she hadn't then i woud have agreedwith you

Hulababy · 01/04/2017 16:01

But I don't understand why he can't have both if he only has to pay for one.
He made his choice yes. So it's not like he is going back on a decision or made the decision knowing he'd expect to get both anyway.
However the situation has no arisen that he could go AND have his own choice - Id see that as a lucky break for him and let him do both.

It's obviously something the other mum and child are keen to do and maybe the other child won't get to do it now because your hold can't go. Hence the other mum is wanting to find t - it's obviously with the extra cost to enable her child to go.

So it's not only your Ds not going, it's also the friend.

It's not his fault he is older and gets more than the younger ones at the moment. That's been down to whatever you and his father have decided. And I'm sure as the younger ones get older it will Even out anyway.

Hulababy · 01/04/2017 16:10

I know your Ds no longer wants to go anyway so the situation is resolved. But that was just my thinking on the initial post.

Re only children and taking a friend. We do this often. BTW I didn't actually CHOOSE to have one child (refer to earlier post) but that's what's occurred. Of course it is nice for Dd to go to an activity place with a friend. How many people really want to do such an activity on their own. And I have offered to pay for the other child on numerous occasions as I am upfront and my own adult friends, and dd's friends, know it benefits me also. I also make sure the parent knows it is not something they should feel guilty over and I never need them to 'owe me one' or whatever. I wouldn't make them feel bad for saying no either especially if they've something else on etc. And Dd would just chose another friend. But obviously she has some best friends she likes spending time with more than others so we ask those ones first.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2017 16:18

It is mean, I would pay half.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 01/04/2017 16:32

Let him go! Is the new cancel the cheque.

MakeItStopNeville · 01/04/2017 16:46

OP, I think you're getting an incredibly hard time on here. Teaching your child to budget from a young age is important! Your son gets that his pocket money is finite and made a value choice. That's a good thing for an 11 year old to be doing.

5moreminutes · 01/04/2017 16:48

I don't think there is anything wrong with inviting a child along to keep your only child company (or indeed your not an only but significant age gap child - DD had a friend 14 years younger than her siblings who did this).

However there is something wrong with expecting them to pay when you honestly are inviting them for (completely understandable) selfish reasons, and when you take it as a given the child will be made available to keep yours company.

I am very glad our almost neighborly finally moved, as it got to the point where we had to be blunt to the point of almost being rude about our ds1 not being some kind of companion for hire. Initially they'd invite him to free activities, then there was something paid which I sent money for, but it escalated fast til they were going to places like Legoland and very expensive water parks almost weekly, and we started saying no - the trips were too frequent and we said no a few times due to clashes with our son's sport fixtures, and got "well can't he miss a match every now and then?" He didn't want to miss matches, he has a strong loyalty to his team and is the kind of kid you have to lay down the law to to stop him playing with a broken leg Blush They tried to reschedule to "whenever DS has time" at which point we said it was getting too expensive which was unfair to his siblings, and then they offered to pay. DS revealed that didn't even want to go any more as he always had to do what their DS wanted because he was invited to keep him company. It seemed likely by that point that if he was being paid for this would get even worse!

The other child's mother became quite unpleasant about the withdrawal of DS's services as companion, especially after inviting another friend didn't go well because he was less complaint/ well behaved, and she came back to us, telling me i had it easy with 3 kids because they could entertain each other and it wasn't very nice not to lend her one as i had a spare! That could read as a joke but it really didn't sound like one when she said it... She spent a lot of time complaining how hard it was to entertain her son, how demanding he was without our DS to entertain him, and how she and her DH got no peace, yet also started making a lot of digs about it not being possible to really give 3 enough attention and that they must miss out on things because 3 must be too expensive...

Once it became apparent she viewed our DS as some kind of poor relation type companion I felt pretty pissed off we'd coughed up for so many trips purely for her benefit, and had to be quite hard about refusing further invitations on DS's behalf even though she then when in danger of losing his service, offered to pay.

DD's friend's parents never put the same sort of pressure on and just invited someone else if DD said no - which of course is all great and as it should be.

The mother in the op keeping on coming back with offers to pay half only after he said no, and then in full when that was a no, reminds me of DS's friend who became more of a frenemy.

Original poster
UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 16:57

5more you seem to understand the situation perfectly and it's exactly the kind of thing that is going on. They make it very difficult to ever say no!

OP posts:
Oly5 · 01/04/2017 17:11

Of course he should be allowed to go. Lucky him that the other mother will pay, that's lovely of her!!
Why on earth would you stop him? He still has money for the wrestling thing.
I think you're being mean and rude to the other family quite frankly. She's offered to pay - you say oh that's lovely thank you he'd love to come!
I think you're being mean and have a warped logic

5moreminutes · 01/04/2017 17:35

Yawn Oly rtft and cancel the cheque.

Unicorn if the situation is as similar as it sounds to the one we had with our former neighbor you'd probably do well to put a bit of distance between the boys anyway, and make an effort to ensure your son is spending plenty of time with several other friends.

Before our neighbours finally moved the son tried to beat up our DS's other best friend during break at school and D's got thumped pretty hard by the neighbor boy by accident stepping between them to make him stop, yet the neighbor lad's mother wanted me to tell the teacher to relent on her decision to ban him from a school residential trip as punishment (and when I declined moved their move date forward so he left the school on the day of the trip, though in fact the removal lorry didn't turn up til a week later...)

Original poster
UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 17:43

Sounds like it got really out of hand 5!

I do try to encourage ds to have other friendships, mostly because this mum is so push and tries to micro manage the boys. I get a text every day to see if ds is walking to school. Yes he is, as he has every day so far and will continue to do. Why can't she let the boys sort it out theirselves!

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 01/04/2017 17:52

Unicorn it's uncannily similar - you are where we were about a year ago. Locally children play out and sort out their playing between themselves, but exactly as you say this mother would whatsap me daily wanting dibs on DS's time and to know his movements! It was as if she wanted to isolate him from his other friends so he'd be at their beck and call. Luckily that was never going to happen as so much of DS's social life centers around football and his mates from the team and she didn't want her son tied to training and match schedules so he never joined the team, but it was annoying!

Keep them at arms length! Good luck!

FoodieToo · 01/04/2017 17:59

I actually totally see where you are coming from. You offered to let your son spend his own money on the activity but he didn't want to go enough to cough up himself!

So you don't think he should get to go on either you of the other boy's mum. However, I just wouldn't be that hardline and I would have paid for him to go myself, had he been sufficiently interested.

leghoul · 01/04/2017 20:50

Trampolining's horribly dangerous. I revoke my previous comment to OP.

civilfawlty · 01/04/2017 20:52

I think you're right!

Patriciathestripper1 · 01/04/2017 22:16

I hate a drip feed

Patriciathestripper1 · 01/04/2017 22:20

How do highlight a posters name do you can read their updates?

sonjadog · 01/04/2017 23:00

Go to "I´m On" and then "Customize" and you can choose to highlight the OP´s posts.

OopsDearyMe · 01/04/2017 23:42

You should not have made him choose to begin with. I would never expect my children to pay for outings in any respect. This mum clearly wants her child to have someone come along and your DS is the preferred person.

I understand the lesson, but you have set him up.

OopsDearyMe · 01/04/2017 23:48

Why would anyone expect pocket money to cover outings? I give money for chores and each child earns their money to spend on luxuries ( sweets or small toys) outings are paid for by the parent surely. The reason for pocket money IMO is to teach children that working hard provides them with a better quality of life.

5moreminutes · 01/04/2017 23:54

Oops perhaps you give less pocket money. Turns out the kid didn't want to go anyway, why should he or his mum find someone else wanting a companion for their child unless the companion is also eager to go.