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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DS go even for free?

200 replies

UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 11:58

Ds gets pocket money each week. Usually spends it on phone credit and wrestlers.

This week his friends mum asked did he want to go to an activity with her son. I asked DS did he want to go (with his pocket money) and he said no, he had seen something wrestling related he wants to by.
I told other mum that sorry he has spent his pocket money this week. Maybe another time.
She came back and said could he even afford half and she would pay half. I explained that he had been given the choice and he has to learn he can't have everything .
She then came back and said she would pay for him to go. I again said thanks very much for the offer but he can't go those week.

She is insisting she doesn't mind but the thing is DS already gets more thwn the other two kids, they are younger and think a kinder egg is a great treat so at the moment it's not really an issue but it just seems so unfair.

So AIBU to stick with my guns and say no. She wants him to go to keep her ds company.

OP posts:
BabychamSocialist · 01/04/2017 12:20

Perhaps you should teach your kids that not everything will be dished out equally at that moment in time. When DS1 needed new football boots, I didn't go and immediately buy DS2 something that was £200 to make it even. He knew that he would probably need something or do something later in the year when DS1 wouldn't.

Just let your son go, you seem very spiteful!

Teatowelfairy · 01/04/2017 12:20

YABU. And I don't think the other mum just wants your ds to go to keep her's company because surely if that was the case she would just ask another friend when you said no. Thank her and let DS go. Teach him a lesson about friends doing things for each other and maybe encourage him to pay it forward when he's able.

MeadowDream · 01/04/2017 12:20

Aww I would let your son go. His friend wants him to keep him company, it's not costing you anything, and your other DCs will have their turn at "getting more" when they are older. You can't treat them all exactly the same all the time.
I get that your DS needs to learn he can't have everything, but it's just a treat.
Let him go OP, don't be mean.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 01/04/2017 12:21

I think doing an activity and buying toys are two different things. I pay for activitys as it keeps my child busy. You are being tight expecting him to pay. But on another side of it spending his pocket money on wrestlers?!

beachbodyunready · 01/04/2017 12:21

Pay for him to go! This isn't something he should be forking out for.

Original poster
UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 12:22

foldedTShirt I posted to see if I was being mean. What an odd question. The further detail I have given is in response to questions asked. I have already took in board that perhaps I have now judged this one. Why did you post?

To those assuming that it is a choice between this activity with this friend or sitting in with his phone, where have you go that idea? He has other friends he can have over or go out on his bike with. He can spend time with me if he likes.

Anyway some good suggestions about explaining the new circumstances and see if he wants to go. I will try that.

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DJBaggySmalls · 01/04/2017 12:22

Let him go and pay for him. Kids shouldn't be expected to pay for everything out of their pocket money.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 01/04/2017 12:22

And also why. Not get him a cheap contract phone? It wound Cost you less then him buying credit.

Mulberry72 · 01/04/2017 12:23

YABU and extremely mean.

PennyPickle · 01/04/2017 12:24

Friendships at this age are very important. I wouldn't expect my teens to have to pay for a treat out with a friends family. I would pay. If friends mum insists on paying I would invite the other child for a trip out with our family. That's usually how it works. But you're the parent so your rules I guess

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2017 12:24

You sound like a parent at school. She'd rather her child played on their phone than be bothered to take them to a martial arts activity. Said child is almost 11 so one year below your ds.

Let the kid go and take the learning from it you needed to have, namely either telling the truth that he didn't want to go or taking the time to get him to understand that it is more important to go out with friends than fiddle in front of a screen.

SaveMeBarry · 01/04/2017 12:24

I can understand that you're trying to teach DS that he has to budget but in being so rigid you've now got a situation where from the other mums POV it was No when he/you would have to pay for him and No re paying half so to say yes now she's offering to pay in full might seem a bit, well, grabby!

So I'm afraid in your shoes I'd feel I have to either stick with No or just suck it up and pay. To be honest if I were her I probably wouldn't invite him again in the future because it's all turned into a bit of a production Hmm

Pinkjellybeans · 01/04/2017 12:26

You're being mean. He should be able to spend his pocket money on things for himself like little toys or sweets whatever he likes, not being made to chose between the toy he likes and spending time with a friend... I would without a doubt ha e paid or if I couldn't afford it and the mum has offered I'd just tell my son what a kind offer the lady's made and let him go have fun and be 11! Not have to worry about money at that age as much as that!

putdownyourphone · 01/04/2017 12:26

Wow you sound stingy and mean. The other Mum offered to pay and you still said no?! He probably won't be invited again...

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/04/2017 12:28

I am sure it is probably the kind of activity that his friend would prefer to do with a friend. What a lucky DS you have that his friends value his company.

As someone pointed out as your younger 2 get older they will get to do more and want costly presents etc. You can't hold back your yr & because his year 3 sibling doesn't get the same - they get the same when they get to yr 7.

You are alienating his friend from him too by refusing to let him go. Next time they'l just ask another friend.

Original poster
UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 12:29

Right so after seeing how mean I am, and I genuinely didnt do it to be mean, just muddling through here hence me slinging for advice....

I offered DS did he want to go if it wasn't from his own money and he still said he didn't want to go. He said that the activity makes him feel sick. So all the angst was over nothing.
I had just assumed he wanted to buy the toy instead but he actually just didn't want to go.

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 01/04/2017 12:29

11 is below the age I'd expect a DC to be paying for their own social activities tbh. It would be different if he were 16.

how much pocket money does he get? If he's having to pay for things out of his own limited money that his friends are having paid for by parents you may risk making him feel very much like the poor relation.

keeplooking · 01/04/2017 12:32

You may think that you're giving your ds a good life lesson, but sticking rigidly to rules, come what may, is not necessarily the right thing to do. Children need also to learn that circumstances change, people rethink things, there are compromises to be reached, and that flexibility is a sign of strength, not weakness.

If I were you (and heaven knows, I've gone out on a limb many times, then had to find a justifiable way to backtrack!) I would say he can go with his friend, you pay half, as suggested originally by the other mum (if money is really that tight) and reciprocate on another occasion. Tell your ds that you have reconsidered, and, given that his friend's mum has been kind enough to offer to pay, you think it would be rude to refuse the invitation. I'm afraid it will be a good few years before your 11 yr old is able to fully embrace the concept of deferred gratification!

5moreminutes · 01/04/2017 12:32

I don't think you need to feel like a scrounger at all as the other mum will have offered to pay for your DS for her own benefit, so that your DS and hers can do the activity together and she won't have to join in or have her son back out of going at all (presumably it's something which, for whatever reason, she wants to encourage him to do).

We had a family locally who expected us to provide one of our kids to accompany them on outings and activities so their son would have someone to go on rides or hang out with and they could relax - funding it got old quickly and it became apparent that they wouldn't take no for an answer, offering to pay for our kids and even to recedule when our child actively did not want to go this time and we tried to make polite excuses for him... You may be doing the other family a favour rather than scrounging!

Does your son even want to go with money out of the equation?

WeAllHaveWings · 01/04/2017 12:32

I would be mortified the other mum offered to take him, then offered to pay half and then offered to pay all. There is no way, ever, I would then reply to say thanks he can go now you are paying for it. You should have just said he couldn't go without detailing the money issue as it sounds as if you were hoping she would pay.

Now you either stick to your guns and don't let him go or send him with money to pay for himself. If you do let her pay make arrangements to take her ds somewhere soon and pay for him.

For us we'd pay for it as long as we could afford it. If we couldn't afford it, or to reciprocate later, he wouldn't go.

5moreminutes · 01/04/2017 12:34

Ah! I wondered! Sorry got distracted mid post and took too long to type and cross posted.

Original poster
UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 12:35

Just to the replies saying that he will be alienated, he and the other child have been friends for many years, they are each other in school all day and outside of school often. He comes to ours, ds goes to theirs. Ds often goes out with them (I pay) because the other child is an only. However I am a single parent with 3 dc and thwy are a couple with 1. I can't afford to keep up with them on terms of treats etc and on this occasion there just wasn't the money for both pocket money and activities. We are going on holiday in May so tightening our belt for that.

I do accept that I was a bit mean though so I will bear it in mind in future.

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5moreminutes · 01/04/2017 12:37

Snap unicorn - they want him along to make their own life easier, we had the exact same thing,it gets awkward, embarrassing, and expensive!

MsGameandWatch · 01/04/2017 12:39

Mean. Just let him go for crying out loud. There's literally no lesson for him here, except his Mum is rigid and dishes out pointless consequences.

Original poster
UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 12:40

5moreminutes that is exactly the situation and I am glad that at least someone understands. They openly say that they like to take ds because he is so polite and well behaved and it keeps their son company. They like to have him over in the holidays so their ds doesn't get bored etc.

Anyway he doesn't want to go regardless who pays and I am quite relieved. I hate the place they are going. My niece broke her ankle there last month!

OP posts: