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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DS go even for free?

200 replies

UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 11:58

Ds gets pocket money each week. Usually spends it on phone credit and wrestlers.

This week his friends mum asked did he want to go to an activity with her son. I asked DS did he want to go (with his pocket money) and he said no, he had seen something wrestling related he wants to by.
I told other mum that sorry he has spent his pocket money this week. Maybe another time.
She came back and said could he even afford half and she would pay half. I explained that he had been given the choice and he has to learn he can't have everything .
She then came back and said she would pay for him to go. I again said thanks very much for the offer but he can't go those week.

She is insisting she doesn't mind but the thing is DS already gets more thwn the other two kids, they are younger and think a kinder egg is a great treat so at the moment it's not really an issue but it just seems so unfair.

So AIBU to stick with my guns and say no. She wants him to go to keep her ds company.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 01/04/2017 12:11

"or there is only so much money to go around "

The other mum offered to pay.

Clayhead · 01/04/2017 12:11

OP, I'm the same with my dc - if no pocket money left they don't get to go. Think it might just be the two of us though!

honeylulu · 01/04/2017 12:11

I don't think you are U.
My son is 12 and his pocket money is paid with an agreement if what it will and won't cover. Ie we pay for activities if it's a family outing or a sternly thing like scouts/gymnastics but if he wants to do extra activities he has to budget and pay himself. He gets enough money for this but if he blows it in other stuff that is fine but when it's fine, it's gone.
He is a bit impulsive and profligate so it's a useful learning experience.
Occasionally he will want to go swimming with friends after his money has run out. It's just tough. If we can think of chores that actually need doing he sometimes has the chance earn the extra money but we don't invent pointless chores.
I don't think we are mean.
I would find it awkward that his friends mum offered to pay. I'd feel like a scrounger!

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 01/04/2017 12:12

Forget your child for a moment in this - the other mum, and her son, want your childs company, but you say no?

What is the actual issue here?

The day out is now costing nothing.

I'm with the other posters here. You are making an issue where there is none.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 01/04/2017 12:12
Confused
DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 01/04/2017 12:12

You sound a bit mean. Fair enough if you can't afford to pay but the other mum kindly offered. How old is your DS and how much pocket money does he get?

Original poster
UnicornButtplug · 01/04/2017 12:12

Maybe I have got this one totally wrong it seems so anyway.

DS is 11 so in first year of high school.

I do get that the younger two will get more when they have more independence which is why it's not such an issue.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/04/2017 12:12

But you didn't offer to pay, she did. I would tell him the new stance on it and he might say yes please. I find it a little sad that he would rather a wrestling thing than to spend time with a friend....

ClemDanfango · 01/04/2017 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clayhead · 01/04/2017 12:13

I think you've got it exactly right. He can't spend his money twice!

Foldedtshirt · 01/04/2017 12:13

Why did you post?

ParadiseCity · 01/04/2017 12:14

I totally understand what you are trying to teach him but I think your rules have ended up being too rigid and creating a daft situation. How old is he? Is the activity a very special treat (eg theme park) or a smaller thing (eg swimming)?

TheSnowFairy · 01/04/2017 12:14

So you'd rather he sat in on his phone by himself with his wrestling stuff than being out, socialising, active and being with his friend?

How odd. And an odd choice to give him whatever age he is. He should go and let them pay for him if money is tight, you can return the favour another day.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 01/04/2017 12:14

But the other mum if offering to pay as a treat. He's not spending his money twice Confused

BillyButtfuck · 01/04/2017 12:14

You gave him a choice between spending his money on one of two things, he said no, that's fine. The situation has now changed so I'd explain that it's free, would he like to go given the change of situation and give him a new choice of going or not.

You do sound a little mean.

Voice0fReason · 01/04/2017 12:16

Not everything needs to be a life lesson.
You can make exceptions.
I'd have let him go and I would have paid.

ParadiseCity · 01/04/2017 12:16

Sorry x post. I have child the same age and totally muddling through what rules a year 7 child should have. Eg he has started getting bus to meet friends rather than relying on us for lifts, only for his friends parents to then offer him lifts!!

AliciaMayEmory · 01/04/2017 12:16

I think YABU. If I were the other mum and had the response that you gave I wouldn't bother offering again, so your son may be missing out not just this time, but on other times too. Your younger DC will get their turns as they get older, so not really comparable in this case.

BackforGood · 01/04/2017 12:17

Agree with others - that does sound mean.
I mean, I agree that you shouldn't allow the other parents to pay, if it's something that each child would normally pay for themselves for, but it seems odd that you would make him pay if it's a trip out with a friend.
I'm not sure how old he is, but I'm guessing quite young as you say he spends his money on wrestlers?
Bit different with a 15 yr old wanting to go to the pictures, having already spent their money, but I'm guessing your ds is quite a bit younger?

averythinline · 01/04/2017 12:17

It does seem a bit mean - its going out with a friend its not accumulating stuff.....
If they were going somewhere 'free' like the local park would he go?

I do get the lesson about choosing x rather than y and not having everything (ds is an only so often it is easier to do it all so have to discipline myself as much as him!) however as an only it is often better for him to have a friend to do something with...

i think its nice he has friends with whose parents want his company...there's not many kids I would take out to something Grin

BackforGood · 01/04/2017 12:17

Oh. Massive x-post there......

defineme · 01/04/2017 12:17

You're not making sense. The other mum has solved the 'only so much money to go round ' issue by offering to pay, she is doing that because she wants her son to have company, so be gracious and tell your son that is the situation so he can go. There's no moral lesson to be learned here except possibly that obstinately sticking to rules has no moral value, the world is not black and white.

HicDraconis · 01/04/2017 12:18

Does he want to go? I mean, is it something he would like to do but would rather not pay for, or is it something he would rather not do?

If he doesn't want to go then the money isn't an issue.

If he does want to go and he was invited as company for his friend (and his friend's mother should pay anyway, given she invited him!) then I would let him go but not give him extra pocket money for treats while there. I would give him money for lunch etc if that would need paying for though.

averythinline · 01/04/2017 12:19

seeing his age again I would reconsider especially if this is a new friend from secondary - its good for them to build links in/out of school..

HecateAntaia · 01/04/2017 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.