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AIBU?

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Original poster

should I apologize? (warning trans thread!)

283 replies

startrek90 · 01/04/2017 11:06

I have come to AIBU because people don't hold back.

The other day I posted on fb asking if anyone could recommend where I could get a toy kitchen cheap for my little boy. A friend and I were talking in the comments and I mentioned that my ds loves playing in the house at kindergarten and he apparently spends lots of time there. His teachers joked that they knew when I was weaning his brother because he was 'weaning' the baby doll at nursery. My friend and I were doing a general aww thing and then another acquaintance who was female but is now 'trans masculine gender queer' (I still have no idea what that is exactly, I assumed transgender) commented that my 2 year old was obviously identifying as a girl and sent me a link to mermaids?

I disagreed and just said he is a two year old and playing out what he sees. Since then I have benn inundated with stuff talking about trans children and their high risk of suicide.

We are talking everyday there was something else sent to me, I was tagged in etc..

I'll be honest I got pissed off with this as I don't believe in gender anyway so sent a pm very politely saying to stop it. My son is not trans he is 2.

Then there was a very public fb status about ignorant parents and how their kids will grow up to hate them. I know I should have ignored it but I commented again laying out my opinion about gender. I got accused of being a terf, that I was transphobic and my 'daughter' would grow up and either kill himself because of me or cut me out.

I admit I lost it and told this person to do one and fuck off. I blocked them (should have done it straight away) but now I have a mutual friend (who is also transgender but not so political with it) who contaced me in private saying how upset and worried our mutual acquaintance is and that I should unblock them, apologize for telling them to fuck off and make things up.

I don't think I should but was I out of order?

OP posts:
20nil · 01/04/2017 12:09

Jesus! YANBU

HicDraconis · 01/04/2017 12:10

You were completely not out of order - your son is 2 and is playing happily with objects that he currently identifies with. My 2 boys adored playing with the toy kitchen at Grandad's house, they wheeled baby dolls around in buggies - DS1's favourite dress up at nursery was the fairy skirt with wings and wand! Thankfully this was a decade ago and it was just chalked up to a child playing with things designed for children, there was none of this gender bollocks associated with particular toys.

They are still boys, with current interests ranging from martial arts to watercolour arts. Why does a boy have to be a girl really in order to play with a toy cooker FFS? Why can't he just be a boy that wants to play at cooking because he sees his mum or dad cooking his dinner every day?

Keep your ex-friend deleted and blocked and absolutely don't apologise!

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 01/04/2017 12:10

They should apologise to you.

YANBU.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 01/04/2017 12:11

My eldest loved the toy kitchen at toddler group and pre school. He'd go around offering everyone pretend cups of tea.
He was also very protective of the baby dolls, probably because I'd just had a baby.
He also likes Star Wars, rolling around in mud and drawing pictures covered in hearts.
He's a child. Being a child.
That is all.

BarbaraofSeville · 01/04/2017 12:11

I'm the same Devil. My favourite toys growing up were a chemistry set and meccano. I now work in a scientific discipline in a very varied job, but my favourite bits are the dirty heavy industrial side rather than the office or classroom based aspects.

But I am still a woman and agree that if the trans movement had been around when I was a child, I would have been totally confused and probably bullied more than I already was as a quiet, shy, probably Aspie person.

I am no more a trans man than my (male) DP is a trans woman because he adores cats, reading and prefers wine and gin to beer or other traditionally male drinks.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 01/04/2017 12:14

Oh, and my 3 year old likes playing with the huge pink dolls house they have at toddler group. He also likes pushing the pink buggies around, preferably with a doll in them.
You never know, one day he might grow up to be…
A homeowner and a father.

OttoChocoLab · 01/04/2017 12:14

My husband made the dinner and fed my babies sometimes. Should I start calling him Natalie now and insist to him that he is Transgender?

Hmm, good point Nippy. My Dh cooked last night and he did some cleaning this morning. Perhaps I should be worried that he wants to start wearing my clothes and calling himself Jane?

Rossigigi · 01/04/2017 12:14

My boys had a kitchen and a doll and pram. They are the most boys boys you could meet. Means nothing

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/04/2017 12:14

Well she can fuck off. I would leave her blocked.

And of course,

should I apologize? (warning trans thread!)
SailAwayWithMeHoney · 01/04/2017 12:15

Cigar the horror ;) Grin

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 01/04/2017 12:17

I'm considering sending DD to some sort of religious nursery.

I'm not even anti trans. I'm against this political trans crap and I do not want it near DD.

LadyPW · 01/04/2017 12:18

I played with action men, he-man figures, lego and read The Hardy Boys and yet remarkably I still identify as female (well, as much as I identify with anything). Admittedly I'm gay but I'm fairly sure the action men didn't influence that - they were just built better than Sindys (who couldn't hold anything, whose legs wouldn't stay bent etc.).
He's just a little kid having fun and copying what he sees around him. No doubt if you bought a cement mixer and started building brick walls he'd be copying that too. What has the world become when children can't be children at that age...

frigginell · 01/04/2017 12:19

Oh my goodness!

I definitely wouldn't apologise. Either they're deluded and offensive and apologising would risk giving credence to their ridiculous opinions about you, your child and gender in general; or they just wanted to torment you for the sake of it, in which case you'd be best served by staying well away anyway.

Billben · 01/04/2017 12:22

Don't you dare apologise or even unblock them. She crossed the line big time with the FB status that was clearly meant for you.

Dumbo412 · 01/04/2017 12:23

Do not apologise to this person.
Your son is two, doing what he likes, and you are allowing him the freedom to do whatever it is that takes his fancy.

You sound like a wonderful parent, and if he does grow up to be transgendered, as long as they are lovingly accepted how dare anyone question you.

I think there are a lot of very confused people who are taking offence where it isn't even implied where transgender idnentity is under discussion. I can't see how you deserve to be told you are ignorant, where this person gets off calling young children transgender. Or sending you links to literature explaining childhood suicide statistics when those children are transgendered.

I believe bringing your child up to be comfortable in his own skin is the most important thing.

Zucker · 01/04/2017 12:23

FFS don't unblock to engage with the madness. They can fuck off to the far side of fuck.

As someone said upthread trans seems to be completely about reinforcing boy/girl sterotypes, what shammery is this!!

ArcheryAnnie · 01/04/2017 12:27

You were being entirely, blessedly, completely reasonable, Startrek90, and the person you blocked is utterly batshit. For goodness' sake don't unblock or apologise. Also Mermaids are not just batshit but actively dangerous, and anyone recommending them has my side-eye.

And the suicide thing - that's the nastiest, most batshit thing of all. "Allow me to recruit your child into my cult or they will commit suicide!" There is not enough blocking in the world for someone who has done that.

In other news, my son has just put a load of laundry in the washing machine. Should I make him an appointment with the Tavistock?

ArcheryAnnie · 01/04/2017 12:29

Also StrangeLookingParasite that's a brilliant graphic. Do you know where it's from, please?

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 01/04/2017 12:30

Another saying do not unblock and I'd be considering the 'peacemaker' friend too!

sticklebrix · 01/04/2017 12:30

Ugh no. Absolutely don't apologise. I would be inclined to report it to the kindergarten, TBH, since the harassment stemmed from your DS's entirely normal behaviour there.

HerBluebiro · 01/04/2017 12:31

Keep her blocked. Life is too short.

If your mutual friend is someone you want to remain friends with i'd be tempted to say something like 'I sorry x was upset. I was very upset by her harassment. I understand she has struggled to accept and be accepted in her gender identity. But my son is just playing. How he will grow up is yet to be. I will always be his mother and want the best for him. Right now what is best for him is to allow him to play with toys without assuming it has any deeper meaning. The inherent sexism in the statement that because he enjoys playing with the toy kitchen he must be female is tragic. Should he grow up to be trans it will mean a lot to all of us to have you with your experience to help us. But right now he is a 2 year old doing what 2 year olds do. And x's aggressiveness was hurtful. I cannot apologise to someone who has said my son will kill himself because he played with a toy kitchen aged 2. I hope you understand that my intention is to protect my son at all times and x was not being helpful.'

Or if you don't like you mutual friend either block her too. Or reply with the 'she was purposefully misgendering my son based on outdated sexism gender norms. I have no intention of apologising to her'

brasty · 01/04/2017 12:32

Bizarre reaction. And yes kids play at what they they see at home. It can be very revealing and funny for those who work with young kids.

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 12:32

Is this true??

I hope not

But yes. This person seems to be relying on very outdated notions of male and female behaviour. Does this person not cook, or care for other humaa beings?

I wouldn't give any more credence to them TBH. This person is not very bright.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/04/2017 12:34

Your friend is clearly sexist if he thinks only women are allowed to cook. They should apologise for trying to perpetuate such outdated stereotypes.

Jux · 01/04/2017 12:36

Play is great. You learn not to take yourself quite so seriously, through play. Perhaps your blocked exfriend would benefit from playing a bit more. Don't unblock them to tell them so, though.