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AIBU?

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Original poster

should I apologize? (warning trans thread!)

283 replies

startrek90 · 01/04/2017 11:06

I have come to AIBU because people don't hold back.

The other day I posted on fb asking if anyone could recommend where I could get a toy kitchen cheap for my little boy. A friend and I were talking in the comments and I mentioned that my ds loves playing in the house at kindergarten and he apparently spends lots of time there. His teachers joked that they knew when I was weaning his brother because he was 'weaning' the baby doll at nursery. My friend and I were doing a general aww thing and then another acquaintance who was female but is now 'trans masculine gender queer' (I still have no idea what that is exactly, I assumed transgender) commented that my 2 year old was obviously identifying as a girl and sent me a link to mermaids?

I disagreed and just said he is a two year old and playing out what he sees. Since then I have benn inundated with stuff talking about trans children and their high risk of suicide.

We are talking everyday there was something else sent to me, I was tagged in etc..

I'll be honest I got pissed off with this as I don't believe in gender anyway so sent a pm very politely saying to stop it. My son is not trans he is 2.

Then there was a very public fb status about ignorant parents and how their kids will grow up to hate them. I know I should have ignored it but I commented again laying out my opinion about gender. I got accused of being a terf, that I was transphobic and my 'daughter' would grow up and either kill himself because of me or cut me out.

I admit I lost it and told this person to do one and fuck off. I blocked them (should have done it straight away) but now I have a mutual friend (who is also transgender but not so political with it) who contaced me in private saying how upset and worried our mutual acquaintance is and that I should unblock them, apologize for telling them to fuck off and make things up.

I don't think I should but was I out of order?

OP posts:
NotYoda · 03/04/2017 16:08

ATailoftwoKitties

Excellent summary

7feathers · 03/04/2017 16:13

Ahh - and welcome to the Social Justice Warrior OP!

In some of the t'internet circles (Kink) I move in, they are the loudest and most objectionable group of people by far. There are small, hard-core groups which are totally and utterly dragging down the transgender cause and that REALLY pisses me off. They often use logical fallacies to prove their point, that ALL cis het people loathe them.

Even when you try to ally with them you often to get attacked yourself. A lot are just trolls. But assuming your friend isn't; then her over-reaction is massive and unfair to boot. It is projection and twisting of the highest order to prove a point (hence fallacy) and it is NOT up to anyone else to 'diagnose' the gender identity of anyone's' child. Let alone a two year old. Sadly, I have also seen the parents of TG kids attacked, even though they desperately reach out to the community for support.

On the t'other hand; telling someone to fuck off is also un-good. But even if you were to unblock and start a dialogue, how would that work out?

Can the friend mediate seeing as they have now got into the middle of this?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2017 16:13

"She said ex friend is going through a lot and needed us around.... Tbh I don't know what to do or say"
I would say to the mutual friend that other friend has offended you deeply, saying to you to trans your child or he'll suicide. And that 'fuck off' was pretty mild a response to such an offence. I'd probably also point out that the gender stereotyping of children is absolutely wrong and you had no intention of pidgeonholing your child to suit other people.

An apology is required, but to you not from you.

No matter what your old uni friend is going through, they have no right to accuse you of treating your son in a way that would lead him to his death.

And perhaps, having it pointed out to them that they can hurt other people with their words, rather than people around them pandering to them (because they're going through a lot, y'know, said in hushed tones) will remind them that they are a person, interacting with other people, and not some fucking demi-god who must be obeyed. A connection to reality can only help them to get through whatever they need to get through.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/04/2017 16:18

My brother is gay. So is my sister and no I do not agree with their lifestyle. It's a load of crap. Do I still love them? Yes I do. But I will not have them spill their shit on any of my kids.When it comes to "my house, my rules" I would not allow my children to be exposed to prejudices like yours, Damewithaname. None of us can avoid unpleasant beliefs but I definitely wouldn't permit it in my house.My brother is gay. So is my sister and no I do not agree with their lifestyle. It's a load of crap. Do I still love them? Yes I do. But I will not have them spill their shit on any of my kids.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/04/2017 16:22

Sorry, format fuck up:

"My brother is gay. So is my sister and no I do not agree with their lifestyle. It's a load of crap. Do I still love them? Yes I do. But I will not have them spill their shit on any of my kids."

"spill their shit? You have a real revulsion towards your poor siblings, don't you? I assume they never visit you and you can't visit them in case they do something "gay"...

I would not let my children be exposed to prejudices like yours, Damewithaname. None of us can avoid unpleasant beliefs but I definitely wouldn't permit them in my house.

7feathers · 03/04/2017 16:22

Dame

Yes I do. But I will not have them spill their shit on any of my kids.

I DO believe you CAN actually 'catch the gay'. [rollsfuckingeyesoutoftheirsockets]

7feathers · 03/04/2017 16:24

Prawnofthepatriarchy

I am judging you now so hard Damethat said judgy pants are round my ears.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/04/2017 16:25

I can't see the point, 7feathers. There appears to be no way back from the way this person has treated the OP. Just as "No" is a complete sentence, so is "Fuck off" entirely appropriate in some circumstances.

7feathers · 03/04/2017 16:25

Whoops was so cross I missed off message to Prawnofthepatriarchy. Sorry Confused

Yes and yes and thrice thee yes.

7feathers · 03/04/2017 16:26

Prawnofthepatriarchy

Agreed. There would only be a point of they were willing to listen on how their projection has hurt someone.

Thissowasnttheplan · 03/04/2017 16:31

Only read your OP but this stuff makes me so worried. How have we got to a state where toddlers are labelled trans and parents defending their child from this nonsense are told to apologise and called phobic?

AnswersHereAndThere · 03/04/2017 16:35

Don't men cook?

FlyAwayPeter · 03/04/2017 16:36

I love this so much, I'm reposting it. Thank you!

Early twentieth century: 'You can't do that if you're a girl/boy.'
Late twentieth century: 'You can do that whether you're a girl or a boy.'
Twenty-first century: 'If you do that, you can't be a girl/boy.'

Not really progress, is it?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/04/2017 16:45

It's great, isn't it, FlyAwayPeter. I'll repost it just for emphasis:

Early twentieth century: 'You can't do that if you're a girl/boy.'
Late twentieth century: 'You can do that whether you're a girl or a boy.'
Twenty-first century: 'If you do that, you can't be a girl/boy.'

Not really progress, is it? I'm relieved I was lucky enough to grow up in the middle.

Inertia · 03/04/2017 16:51

I wouldn't apologise our let this person back into my family's life.

The games children play demonstrate that they are children, not that they are transgender.

I can't see how someone this sexist, who insists on conforming rigidly to ridiculous gender stereotypes, could ever be anything but a detrimental influence on your child.

Starlighter · 03/04/2017 17:08

What on earth?! Do not apologise. Keep them blocked!! It's totally none of their business and their comments were rude and upsetting.

My son is 2 and he carries a pink handbag, pushes a pushchair and pretends to put on lip balm. He has an older sister, so he copies her and that's fine! He also plays with cars, trucks and his favourite colour is blue! So what?! He can do what he likes, he's just a child! I hate this knee-jerk reaction to anything like this nowadays. Just let them do what makes them happy.

ATailofTwoKitties · 03/04/2017 17:45

Thanks Blush

Gottagetmoving · 03/04/2017 17:51

Bloody ridiculous and I am sick of people trying to label tiny children as anything at all.
People are bloody obsessed with gender.
Tell them to tuck off.

Gottagetmoving · 03/04/2017 17:52

Ha,...Chuck off not tuck.

Gottagetmoving · 03/04/2017 17:53

I give up!..Fuck off...Sorry, it's auto correct. Angry

StrangeLookingParasite · 03/04/2017 18:15

t would be the same if they were druggies or alcoholics... I would still love them but not the behavior, especially around my children. How about you?

Jeez Louise.
Gross.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 03/04/2017 18:40

OP YANBU and don't need to apologise.

Dame.
You do realise that lots of heterosexual couple squeeze each other's arse and snog each other's faces off too? Do you give the same rules for straight people who visit your house? Its not behaviour exclusive to gay people. Bloody hell, I even have hazy memories of dh and I partaking in such behaviour back in the spring of 2000.

HerBluebiro · 03/04/2017 19:16

dame What issue has a gay person made about a child playing?

What shit do gay people spill? Should I be avoiding them all in case any gets on me? Is it infectious?

Although to be fair. Being fabulous does sound rather fun. The lesbian who described her day to day life (forget your moniker right now sorry) does seem to have not got the memory mind you.

How much time do gay people spend sucking face? Is that an attempt to stop spilling shit by applying suction to the other end?

Regardless. It is so lovely to see someone railing so intensely about something they have no understanding of. They cannot tell the difference between sexual attraction/sexuality and gender identity.

Just to clarify homosexuals are sexually atracted to someone the same sex as they (gay men fancy other men lesbians fancy other omen). Bisexuals are attached to either sex. Pansexuals are attracted to omeone of any gender.

Trans people are those who feel their physiology ie their physical body does not match their gender identity. Classically this would be someone born one sex (e.g born male) who feels so uncomfortable and unhappy in their own skin (dysphoria) that they desire to change their physical characteristics to match the sex they feel (eg they desire to become female). In modern parlance it is more complicated than that now (so much more) but I'll start with the basics for you.

So that hypothetical baby boy who grew up wanting to become a woman would have hormones and surgery to try to become a woman. They would legally be recognised as female. That new trans-woman would then find someone sexually attractive. If they find women attractive they would be classed as lesbian. If they find men attractive then straight. If both then bisexual.

In terms of why not stay male if you find women attractive rather than transitioning, that is because who you fancy is not linked to your genitals. Lesbians are not secretly wishing they were a man. Most are quite happy being a woman who loves another woman.

reluctantlondoner · 03/04/2017 19:27

This is f**king ridiculous. The person sounds like a loon. YANBU! My little brother played with "girls" toys as a kid as he has older sisters and we played with his action men. Toys are toys and kids play with what they see others playing with!

DameDeDoubtance · 03/04/2017 21:30

Jeez - someone round here is giving Dames a bad name!