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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I apologize? (warning trans thread!)

283 replies

startrek90 · 01/04/2017 11:06

I have come to AIBU because people don't hold back.

The other day I posted on fb asking if anyone could recommend where I could get a toy kitchen cheap for my little boy. A friend and I were talking in the comments and I mentioned that my ds loves playing in the house at kindergarten and he apparently spends lots of time there. His teachers joked that they knew when I was weaning his brother because he was 'weaning' the baby doll at nursery. My friend and I were doing a general aww thing and then another acquaintance who was female but is now 'trans masculine gender queer' (I still have no idea what that is exactly, I assumed transgender) commented that my 2 year old was obviously identifying as a girl and sent me a link to mermaids?

I disagreed and just said he is a two year old and playing out what he sees. Since then I have benn inundated with stuff talking about trans children and their high risk of suicide.

We are talking everyday there was something else sent to me, I was tagged in etc..

I'll be honest I got pissed off with this as I don't believe in gender anyway so sent a pm very politely saying to stop it. My son is not trans he is 2.

Then there was a very public fb status about ignorant parents and how their kids will grow up to hate them. I know I should have ignored it but I commented again laying out my opinion about gender. I got accused of being a terf, that I was transphobic and my 'daughter' would grow up and either kill himself because of me or cut me out.

I admit I lost it and told this person to do one and fuck off. I blocked them (should have done it straight away) but now I have a mutual friend (who is also transgender but not so political with it) who contaced me in private saying how upset and worried our mutual acquaintance is and that I should unblock them, apologize for telling them to fuck off and make things up.

I don't think I should but was I out of order?

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 01/04/2017 11:37

Keep blocked
Your child is playing with toys
I've a friend whose 2 year old boy took a toy pushchair and doll with him everywhere till he was 4. Luckily the insanity hadn't hit yet so we didn't hear any of this. If you had a girl playing police cars they'd say the same. It's horrific. Gender stereotyping from birth. Ugh.

DameDeDoubtance · 01/04/2017 11:38

The trans movement needs trans kids for validation.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/04/2017 11:39

You were actually pretty restrained, considering. If anyone should apologise, it isn't you. He's 2, FFS!

WormwoodScrubbed · 01/04/2017 11:39

Words fail me about this tbh

No you're not out of order and I'd have been more than a bit pissed off if it had been me

RebootYourEngine · 01/04/2017 11:41

I think this is why transgender people sometimes get a bad name. We dont seem to have moved away from toys being gender specific. A toy is a toy.

So im guessing this so called friend would think that my 16 month old niece is transgender because she likes to steal her brothers cars when really all she is doing is being a baby and playing with whatever her brother has. If her brother was a girl no one would bat an eyelid at my niece stealing her sisters toys so what is the difference.

DearMrDilkington · 01/04/2017 11:41

They sound like a fucking moron, ignore and block them. You were much calmer than I would have been.

tygr · 01/04/2017 11:41

Sounds like huge projection on their part. I'd keep the block in place and no need to apologise.

QuitMoaning · 01/04/2017 11:42

My son loved playing with kitchens. Bought him a second hand one and he would spend hours playing with it up until the age of about 5.

Now he hates cooking. He is at uni and has to feed himself but he struggles with it. I give him lots of support and help and ability to talk through his fears of burning food or undercooked chicken.
I didn't want to think that just because he played with kitchens, he had to become a chef. There is no scientific evidence to link these together.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2017 11:45

This is a massive projection from the transgender person. I'd send a message to your friend, who thinks you should apologise giving a brief explanation of the harassment and your reason for declining their request. No you shouldn't have engaged because you gave them the perfect ammunition. Again explain this to your friend.

Mermaidinthesea · 01/04/2017 11:45

For goodness sake my adult son has always loved cooking and housework and he is perfectly happy in his own body and engaged to be married to a woman.
I wouldn't care what he was as he'll always be my baby, times have changed. Not all boys want to play with guns. Some are happy just doing gentler things.
He's two years old, he is years away from deciding what he is or isn't.

CecilyP · 01/04/2017 11:45

I have a mutual friend (who is also transgender but not so political with it) who contaced me in private saying how upset and worried our mutual acquaintance is and that I should unblock them, apologize for telling them to fuck off and make things up.

Sounds like your acquaintance is more than happy to dish it out, but not so happy to take it back. I would normally say, 'no need to swear' but in this case it is more than justified. Do not unblock; do not apologise. Who on earth thinks in 2015, when most mums work outside the home, that all childcare and household tasks are women's work anyway?

BarbaraofSeville · 01/04/2017 11:48

The comments made by your friend illustrate everything that is wrong with the trans movement.

Apart from a tiny minority of cases, people with penises are male and people with vaginas are female.

All those people are welcome to dress, play and work in anyway that they choose and just because they express an interest in something that may be different to what the majority of their sex do, does not make them transgender or any other made up term.

If a woman doesn't wear make up, likes trains or wants to take a job that is seen as traditionally male that doesn't make her a trans man.

Conversly men and boys should be able to follow traditionally female jobs, ways of dress or pastimes, without people trying to pigeon hole them into any sort of trans woman/girl status. Liking dolls at two does not make your DS trans FFS.

The quicker than anything related to the home and childcare is seen as being the responsibility of both men and women the better anyway.

Trans appears to be mostly about reinforcing outdated stereotypes about how men and women should behave.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 01/04/2017 11:50

Hell no, YANBU!! I'd have told the mutual friend to fuck right off aswell.

Ffs what is wrong with people?!

Trans appears to be mostly about reinforcing outdated stereotypes about how men and women should behave. This is spot on.

noeffingidea · 01/04/2017 11:50

I can remember for my son's 4 th birthday he requested a wrestling ring and figures, and a baby doll. He got them both and enjoyed playing with them both equally.
My grandson has a toy kitchen, he also loved peppa pig in addition to more traditional boy toys. Any child that has a selection of toys and plays with children of the opposite sex will usually play with any toy or game. There's nothing more to it than that.
Quite honestly though, I would be a bit more wary about sharing any kind of information about my kids on facebook nowadays.

BeyondUser24601 · 01/04/2017 11:51

If you did talk to them again (which you would be utterly reasonable not to, of course) as well as pointing out they are sexist, I would point out that until your child tells you they are trans, they are misgendering them to assume they are, and that purposeful misgendering is literal violence.

DrAbbyYates · 01/04/2017 11:52

I think you're going to get a universal YANBU here.

BeyondUser24601 · 01/04/2017 11:54

I mean (using their TRA-ness against them, emphasis that this not my genuine opinion!) who knows if your child is non-binary or agender and identifies as "they" until your child says so themselves. Assuming they are female is just as dangerous as assuming they are male...

Fanciedachange17 · 01/04/2017 11:56

Well done Op for staying so calm and reasonable in the face of such stupid and ignorant provocation. Bloody idiots.
I was a complete tomboy growing up, best tree climber, always outside and no interest in dolls. I was, and am absolutely normal and very much female. Such a lot of pc tosh all this ridiculous "trans" stuff.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 01/04/2017 12:00

This is why there is some antagonism towards trans people. She had absolutely no right to make that comment, and no you shouldn't apologise. I wonder if those who accuse MN of being transphobic will dare to pitch in on this thread?

When I was little I was bought a beautiful doll and pram. I never played with them, not once. I was out in the garage (age 5/6) where thanks to my father I had my own small screwdriver, hammer, drill, file, pliers, even a small saw (none of them toys - real ones), nails, screws, blocks of wood, small bits that I could take to pieces and rebuild - eg a length of cable and a plug I could dismantle, wire up, change the fuse and put it back together again. I grew up loving maths, science and engineering, and to this day would rather read an engineering textbook than a novel. And guess what? I'm a woman and very happy about it. Thank God the trans movement wasn't around in my childhood.

I have no issue at all with anyone who feels that they have been born into the wrong gender, who get on with their lives, transition, and then carry on getting on with their lives. Those who project their ideology on to a two year old boy simply reinforce the stereotype of the trans activist who demand that their feelings and beliefs trump those of everyone else. They are the ones who do most damage to the trans cause, not MN.

PoorYorick · 01/04/2017 12:01

I'd unblock simply because this person sounds better than television and I would invest in a popcorn machine and comfy armchair.

LonginesPrime · 01/04/2017 12:03

Trans appears to be mostly about reinforcing outdated stereotypes about how men and women should behave.

I agree.

And it's completely plausible that this person is genuinely concerned (although that obviously doesn't excuse the harassment and nastiness). I often hear adult transwomen saying 'I knew I was trans from the age of three when I had fun wearing my mum's high heels/enjoyed playing with dolls/wasn't interested in cars'.

These people grew up in a different time when gender stereotypes were vehemently enforced so they would have perceived themselves as doing something wrong and feeling 'not quite right' because of society's strict views on gender at the time.

It's probably a massive headfuck for your harasser that kids aren't sent the messages that this person was sent by society/their parents anymore, especially when they have spent so much energy on trying to come to terms with what they see as their gender identity.

ScrambledSmegs · 01/04/2017 12:07

Your ex-friend has some deeply entrenched sexist views, for all of her (?) liberal posturing.

Don't unblock, sounds like it would more hassle for you than it's worth.

SolomanDaisy · 01/04/2017 12:07

God no, don't apologise. This person obviously knows very little about children and I wouldn't want anyone so keen to enforce gender stereotypes types around my kids. My DS played exactly like that at 2, he's 5 now and still loves sparkly nail varnish and cooking but he finds having a penis both brilliant and hilarious.

UpAwfYerSeatWeeNippy · 01/04/2017 12:08

My husband made the dinner and fed my babies sometimes. Should I start calling him Natalie now and insist to him that he is Transgender?

YADNBU.

HashiAsLarry · 01/04/2017 12:09

Don't apologise.

My DS loved dolls and kitchens when he was 2. He's 4 now and loves guns, cars and fighting. He couldn't be a more stereotypical boy.