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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I apologize? (warning trans thread!)

283 replies

startrek90 · 01/04/2017 11:06

I have come to AIBU because people don't hold back.

The other day I posted on fb asking if anyone could recommend where I could get a toy kitchen cheap for my little boy. A friend and I were talking in the comments and I mentioned that my ds loves playing in the house at kindergarten and he apparently spends lots of time there. His teachers joked that they knew when I was weaning his brother because he was 'weaning' the baby doll at nursery. My friend and I were doing a general aww thing and then another acquaintance who was female but is now 'trans masculine gender queer' (I still have no idea what that is exactly, I assumed transgender) commented that my 2 year old was obviously identifying as a girl and sent me a link to mermaids?

I disagreed and just said he is a two year old and playing out what he sees. Since then I have benn inundated with stuff talking about trans children and their high risk of suicide.

We are talking everyday there was something else sent to me, I was tagged in etc..

I'll be honest I got pissed off with this as I don't believe in gender anyway so sent a pm very politely saying to stop it. My son is not trans he is 2.

Then there was a very public fb status about ignorant parents and how their kids will grow up to hate them. I know I should have ignored it but I commented again laying out my opinion about gender. I got accused of being a terf, that I was transphobic and my 'daughter' would grow up and either kill himself because of me or cut me out.

I admit I lost it and told this person to do one and fuck off. I blocked them (should have done it straight away) but now I have a mutual friend (who is also transgender but not so political with it) who contaced me in private saying how upset and worried our mutual acquaintance is and that I should unblock them, apologize for telling them to fuck off and make things up.

I don't think I should but was I out of order?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 01/04/2017 14:09

I agree lady.

NanooCov · 01/04/2017 14:10

Nothing to add to the above other than to say if you're still looking, the IKEA toy kitchen is a winner with my 2 year old son. I'm clearly in denial about his trans-ness too it seems! Grin

ArcheryAnnie · 01/04/2017 14:11

Yes, but you have no idea how a 2 year old will turn out LGBT or whatever. So it comes over as a bit transphobic (in the present day mad world) to just dismiss her and her views.

Seriously, Gloria? Her kid - like every other kid out there - might grow up to be gay or bi, but that is ENTIRELY UNRELATED to whether he likes playing with a toy kitchen. And if he is a kid that would grow up to be gay or bi, it's this batshit cultist who would be the one to suppress that, by insisting that he's "really" a straight girl. The extreme trans activists are the ones who are desperately homophobic, and nobody should be giving them quarter under the guise of being LGBT+ positive, because they are anything but.

NanooCov · 01/04/2017 14:11

Oh and for those saying it's an April Fool, might it just be the OP has been busy giving her two year old lunch and putting him down for a nap? I have been with mine.

GahBuggerit · 01/04/2017 14:21

no Gloria, it really is not transphobic at all to dismiss someone saying a 2 yo may be trans because they like playing with a kitchen

ArcheryAnnie · 01/04/2017 14:27

LadyPW if it is an April Fool, then it speaks to all the batshit stuff many of us have already seen that this is so very believable. An April Fool has to be a bit ridiculous to be a proper fool, and this is on the milder end of what is already out there for real.

VestalVirgin · 01/04/2017 14:35

If this was an April Fool, it wouldn't be funny at all. This sort of thing happens all the time.

Even an article on how Donald Trump wants to go and watch the spaghetti harvest in Switzerland would be funnier.

BeyondUser24601 · 01/04/2017 14:41

Poe's law.... Grin

UptheChimne · 01/04/2017 14:45

As others have said, you have NO need to apologise. I am just hating the sexism that says if a 2 year (a two year old) male child enjoys playing with toys, he must be "really" a female child.

It's utter sexist bollocks.

LadyPW · 01/04/2017 14:48

LadyPW if it is an April Fool, then it speaks to all the batshit stuff many of us have already seen that this is so very believable. An April Fool has to be a bit ridiculous to be a proper fool, and this is on the milder end of what is already out there for real.
I agree, that's why if it is an April Fool it's not a good one. And it may be true. But possibly not. Hopefully the OP will return & say either way. You'd hope that it was because otherwise....... Shock

GerdaLovesLili · 01/04/2017 14:51

YANBU.

keep your idiot "friend" blocked.

Topuptheglass · 01/04/2017 14:51

No comment on your friends craziness as that seems to be well covered... but two trans friends?

I don't even know one trans person.

Original poster
startrek90 · 01/04/2017 15:02

Hi op here! Sorry I was doing the shopping and feeding toddler and baby. Sorry for the delay.

I wish this was an April fools but its not. NanooCov thanks for the recommendation I will check I out.

A bit of background, we were all uni friends and in fact the person who did all this actively recruited me into the feminist society and introduced me to some feminist theory. He was also women's officer at the union at one time. We stayed in touch and a few of us married/ had kids etc but we still keep in touch on fb (I live abroad and fb is the best way of keeping everyone up to date)

I have tried to be supportive and I recognise (now) that he was initially coming from a place of love but the aggressiveness took me by surprise and when she dragged up suicide I kind of saw red.

I guess I didn't know if I was being insensitive to the issues. Tbh I don't want to talk to my friend again and they are never going to come near my baby. Its just all so sad.

Our mutual friend said that my now ex friend was worried about ds and how he will 'cope' having me being so blind to his true identity. Our mutual friend was surprised when ex friend accused mr of being a bigot wtc that's why she contacted me to get my side of the story. For clarification she thought I should apologise for swearing but not for getting upset at ex friends antics. She said ex friend is going through a lot and needed us around.... Tbh I don't know what to do or say

OP posts:
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 01/04/2017 15:07

She said ex friend is going through a lot and needed us around.... Tbh I don't know what to do or say

Consideration for the needs and feelings of others cuts both ways. Don't do or say anything, Whatever she is going through it doesn't give her the right to do what she did.

sticklebrix · 01/04/2017 15:17

I was just about to post the same thing as Devil

GwenStaceyRocks · 01/04/2017 15:19

It's not your place to accommodate their feelings when they have been so ridiculously inappropriate. In fact, I would reconsider the fb access you have with the mutual friend tbh. I would quietly restrict their access so they can't take any information about your DCs or your life back to the blocked friend.

TomaytoTomahto · 01/04/2017 15:23

I think you should continue ignoring the ex-friend. No matter what she's going through, it doesn't give her the right to be so utterly rude and to force her beliefs unto you. She's the one being completely unreasonable.

GruffaloPants · 01/04/2017 15:29

My DD is currently driving her Disney princesses around in a Lego volcano exploration truck she made. So... Gender Queer? Hmm

VestalVirgin · 01/04/2017 15:37

I assume the now ex-friend felt shoved into the feminine gender role as a child and would have liked it if her parents had recognized that she's a fully human being. (That's me being generous and assuming she truly meant well).

That has shit all to do with your son. The masculine gender role is pretty comfy, and since you obviously don't even shove him into that ... yeah.

I am sure she is going through a lot and needs emotional support, but she must realize she isn't entitled to that. Fun fact: Even if she paid for psychotherapy, she'd not get to enforce her gender role stereotypes on the psychotherapist.
So she better learn, and learn really fast, that if you need emotional support, you shouldn't tell your friends that their children need to be sterilized.

iamavodkadrinker · 01/04/2017 15:51

Typical trans misogyny.

londonrach · 01/04/2017 15:57

I dont think i know any 2 year old boy that hasnt played in the kitchen at the paygroups. Dont apologise.

FiveMinutesAlone · 01/04/2017 16:01

I wouldn't apologise. Your friend (ex-friend?) may be going through a lot, but they've massively overstepped boundaries here - there's probably some projecting of her own issues going on, and 2yrs old is surely far too young to tell if a child will grow up to be trans / gay / straight / whatever.

Goodness only knows what would be made of my 3.5 yr old DS2 though.

He's taken to stuffing his favourite cuddly toy up his top, announcing he has a baby in his tummy, and then when the "baby" comes out, he "breastfeeds" it, rocks it, tucks it up in the pram, and so on. For context here, my youngest DC is 4 months old and breastfed. So my current assumption is that DS2 is role playing around that, rather than desperate to be a girl.
He also loves cars, trains, tractors, and got told off the other night because he got out of bed and started "drilling" the doors with a noisy toy drill. Apparently they needed fixing Hmm

arghpedrevan · 01/04/2017 16:04

I would unblock only to say that whilst weaning, being in the kitchen and looking after a baby is a traditional mothers role 🙄 It is not solely limited to being female and defining a gender like that is out and out sexism. Nothing to do transgenerism and everything to do with a young child role playing their life experiences.

LadyPW · 01/04/2017 16:04

Well I'm glad OP came back to clarify, but what a sad reflection on life.
You'd better buy him a fairy princess dress OP or he'll never forgive you when he's grown up Hmm
Meanwhile, would you rather have Wine or Gin because that seems to be where the world is heading... Sad

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/04/2017 16:28

I was a real tomboy when I was a teenager, that doesnt mean I identify as a man, I just really hate girlie shit.

He's only 2, he wont a clue about gender and even if he did identify as a girl, that's for him to decide on his own and not some group to force on him,