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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I found something I probably wasn't meant to look at/see

155 replies

DunhamO · 31/03/2017 21:32

Not sure if I'm being stupid or not, probably am, but here it is.

I live with DP, we've had workmen in and I was clearing up after them today. I knocked over a box that sits on DPs bookshelf when I was dusting and the lid came off. Inside it were some bits of jewellery, train tickets etc. "memory box" type stuff. I know who it belongs to and it's from a girl he had a long distance relationship with some years ago.

In the early days of our relationship (we were very casual at that point, though I had strong feelings for him) he spoke about her and said she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him which is why their relationship never continued.

I can't really put my finger on why but it really upset me to see that he'd held onto all this stuff from when he was with her. And it's not tucked away and forgotten about, it's in our living room, beside our things, from our life together. I don't expect him to forget he ever had a life before me but sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her.

There are still pictures of her on his phone which he has made the effort of transferring from old phones to the one he uses now. Some of her and ones of them together. We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone gone to such lengths to keep it.

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely so that has probably made me feel worse about this than I should.

AIBU to be upset? I'm not sure whether to say anything or just leave it, after all it is something private and painful to him, I don't want to pry and cause him to be upset

OP posts:
HeyToTheHo · 31/03/2017 21:34

How long have you been together?

Chickendipper12 · 31/03/2017 21:36

How long ago was this? How long have you been together?

Crunchymum · 31/03/2017 21:37

Fuck that.

Totally unacceptable and no you are not being unreasonable at all.

foxyloxy78 · 31/03/2017 21:40

YANBU. He needs to delete that shit and throw her crap away. What is he hanging on to? You need to ask him. Transferring photos from an old phone? Bizzare.

MrsChopper · 31/03/2017 21:40

How long ago did they break up and when did you get together? I would be upset about the box being in the living room tbh.

haveacupoftea · 31/03/2017 21:41

You should not feel sidelined or loney in a relationship so i'd say you're better off out even without the ex gf obsession.

Tbh i'd tell him to shove his box of old memory tat up his arse and leave him to sob into it.

Patriciathestripper1 · 31/03/2017 21:42

That dosnt sound good Hmm
Especially the pictures on his phone! Sounds like he isn't quite over his one true love.
It has upset you because it's made you feel like he still loves her and you are second best hence no photos of you both etc..
ask him outright about the box and pictures and tell him how you feel. No one should feel second best in a relationship.

blue2014 · 31/03/2017 21:42

Get rid - to use the old term "he's just not that into you"

BadToTheBone · 31/03/2017 21:43

I have stuff from previous relationships, it's happy times from my past and I don't want to wipe it all out, it has no bearing on my current relationship. It isn't to hand though, it maybe in the attic, I really couldn't say off hand, I think that makes a difference tbh.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 31/03/2017 21:44

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely

YANBU. You deserve someone who will put you first.

PitilessYank · 31/03/2017 21:45

Some people get less sentimental as they mature, perhaps? I hardly save anything nowadays, but I used to save every scrap of relationship stuff. I have discarded most of it by now, though, as I have been married for 20 years at this point.

AtSea1979 · 31/03/2017 21:46

YANBU sorry but you know what you have to do.

Meekonsandwich · 31/03/2017 21:47

Oooohhhhh he's not over her. Sorry but he's not.

I had a memory box of things from my first love, but as soon as moved in with my dh I got rid because I felt like I didn't need them any more. Why would I hang on to them when I had a chance to make hundreds of new memories with my dh?

And I know it would hurt him if he found them.

Yeah, serious words needs to be had. He needs to move on and invest in his future or get lost back to her.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 31/03/2017 21:47

she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him

Any belief that she 'ticks every box' is fantasy as she betrayed him, surely one of his 'boxes' would be someone who respected him, treated him well and wanted to be with him.

When I was younger I had a 'one who got away' who seemed perfect in my memory, if only things had been different... Of course this was nonsense, if it had really been that perfect we would have stayed together. Once I was committed to dh I realised how superficial my memory of the other guy was, and that relative to dh I barely knew him.

I do think it's a problem if your dh is still holding a candle for her, if he hasn't had that mental shift of committing to his current relationship. I'd definitely talk to him about it. Asking your living together partner about something isn't "prying", it's completely normal, and part of building intimacy and understanding between you.

It's normal to keep some mementoes of previous loves, yes, but usually tucked away somewhere, and probably not train tickets and the like, as the emotional value of those would usually decrease over time to be nil. I have kept some jewellery, electronic photos and I probably have some cards, but I couldn't say where any of it is now, in a box somewhere.

carabos · 31/03/2017 21:48

In every relationship there's the adorer and the adored. You're the adorer.

degustibusnonestdisputandem · 31/03/2017 21:48

Good grief, I still have snail mail letters packed away back in oz from my first love. I have no problem with DTDs reading them someday

Fennecfoxmummy · 31/03/2017 21:48

YANBU to settle down with someone and be happy you need to be each others number 1 IMO.
So sorry OP that's horrible Flowers

MrsGotobed · 31/03/2017 21:49

The stuff in the box doesn't seem as bad, I mean he could've put it in there years ago and just forgotten about it as it can't be seen.

The photos on the phone though? ......Very different. That sets alarm bells ringing for me I'm afraid.

TotalWhittle · 31/03/2017 21:49

Like Bad says, I think the difference is in the availability. Loads of people have stuff from old relationships. I still have old photos, a little box of ticket stubs, that sort of thing...but they're stuck in a cupboard gathering dust, where they belong, because those parts of my life are over. And I'm still single - it would be massively inappropriate to be keeping those things close to hand where I could see them every day, right under a new partner's nose.

I think he's not that into you either. Sorry OP. Sad

lalalalyra · 31/03/2017 21:50

I have a memory box and it has stuff from exes in it, but it's not in the living room and it has stuff from fiends, family, special occasions etc as well. Not just memories of one person.

I'd be pretty uncomfortable with that. He's very much giving the impression that she is the life he wanted.

Meekonsandwich · 31/03/2017 21:50

Also that's really weird he has no photos of you?!?!

None?!?! My dh loathes having his photo taken but there's still pictures of us together?
If he's that sentimental he'd want pictures of you to put in his little memory box. So he's not sentimental in general. He's just in love with her.

itsacatastrophe · 31/03/2017 21:51

We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone
Wtaf??? How long have you two been together? And he's never taken a photo of the two of you?

DonaldStott · 31/03/2017 21:54

Well it was years ago and if he still thinks of her as 'the one that got away', I would be thinking he just settled for me, which would just eat me up.

Are you sure he never just put his old sd card into his new phone?

fruitbats · 31/03/2017 21:55

You were dusting the box and it fell open? Hmm
The box wasn't exactly hidden if it was on a shelf on your living room so I wouldn't give that much thought. The photo's may be a different thing. I'm not sure I would be happy about that really.

228agreenend · 31/03/2017 21:57

Having a memory box is not unusual. Does it look like it has been looked at recently, or put there when you moved, and forgotten about. Admittedly, I,would expect it to,be confined to the loft, or back of a wardrobe.

However, having photos,on his phone is weird, unless they were transferred over before,your relationship.