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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I found something I probably wasn't meant to look at/see

155 replies

DunhamO · 31/03/2017 21:32

Not sure if I'm being stupid or not, probably am, but here it is.

I live with DP, we've had workmen in and I was clearing up after them today. I knocked over a box that sits on DPs bookshelf when I was dusting and the lid came off. Inside it were some bits of jewellery, train tickets etc. "memory box" type stuff. I know who it belongs to and it's from a girl he had a long distance relationship with some years ago.

In the early days of our relationship (we were very casual at that point, though I had strong feelings for him) he spoke about her and said she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him which is why their relationship never continued.

I can't really put my finger on why but it really upset me to see that he'd held onto all this stuff from when he was with her. And it's not tucked away and forgotten about, it's in our living room, beside our things, from our life together. I don't expect him to forget he ever had a life before me but sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her.

There are still pictures of her on his phone which he has made the effort of transferring from old phones to the one he uses now. Some of her and ones of them together. We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone gone to such lengths to keep it.

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely so that has probably made me feel worse about this than I should.

AIBU to be upset? I'm not sure whether to say anything or just leave it, after all it is something private and painful to him, I don't want to pry and cause him to be upset

OP posts:
228agreenend · 31/03/2017 21:59

Do,you think he is biding time with you, until ex comes back on the scene?

fruitbats · 31/03/2017 22:01

Also, very weird to not have any photos of the 2 of you

Original poster
DunhamO · 31/03/2017 22:01

I don't have anything from past relationships, there was nothing worth keeping as they turned very very sour.

I've kept every daft memento from everything him and I have done together so I do understand holding onto sentimental items. The photos are harder to swallow but he doesn't know I've seen them (he's not secretive with his phone but I've never brought it up). There was alot of other stuff transferred too so its a bit hazy whether they were intentionally held onto or just in with all the other stuff as he changed phones.

He's not generally sentimental, he has bundles of stuff; old concert tickets, drawings, letters dating back years but none of it relates back to specific people iyswim. Her stuff is contained on its own.

"He's just not that into you" isn't really fair, we live together and it was him who took the lead in moving our relationship from casual to dating to serious to cohabiting.

They were together 4 years ago, so about 3 years before he and I became a proper couple.

OP posts:
2017SoFarSoGood · 31/03/2017 22:04

as folks have said, tucking memories like this away is fine. Keeping them in the living room is totally weird, and frankly, utterly rude.

You need to have a talk. A big talk. The talk. If it is as it seems, and he is just using you as a warm body because his fantasy is out of reach, then I'm sorry for you. If not, he needs to shape up. And take some pictures of you!

Flowers
Original poster
DunhamO · 31/03/2017 22:06

fruitbats I was taking things off of the shelves to get rid of all the dust from workmen, I knocked the box off of the shelf and it landed on its side so the lid came off. I wasn't snooping if that's what the Hmm face is for. It's lying in our living room, I could have looked any time I wanted to, tbh though I thought it was empty, I've never really taken any notice of it.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 31/03/2017 22:06

YANBU. It's probably OK to have a few mementoes from a previous serious relationship but this seems a little shrine like. And him never taking photos of the two of you together and yet keeping photos of the two of them is concerning.

I do think that you need to address this. You don't want to drag on for years and years with a guy who isn't wholeheartedly in love with you. It will destroy your happiness and self-esteem.

I know it's hard but better to split now while you're still young enough to meet someone else who loves you like you deserve to be loved.

Or maybe the prospect of losing you will make him wake up to what a plonker he's being. It's a bit adolescent, really, isn't it? Like when you get dumped by your first girlfriend/boyfriend and think that your heart will never mend and mope about for ages till everyone's sympathy runs out.

KoolKoala07 · 31/03/2017 22:07

I think you have a right to an explanation- has he looked through them recently? Does he still have feelings for her ? etc, otherwise the wondering will eat you up.
I think once you know that you can then determine how you want to proceed. It could just be that they have been placed there and forgotten about. I have a box of old 'memories' including stuff from my ex but I don't actually know where it is in our house.

EweAreHere · 31/03/2017 22:10

Have you thought about just asking him about the box? Quietly.

Tell him you knocked it over, and then realized what it was. Tell him you realized how hurt you felt when you thought about the lengths he's gone to to keep pictures of her, and pictures of him with her, when you live together and there's no pictures of the two of you. And that it's making you start to wonder about your entire relationship... and see what he says.

thegoodnameshadgone · 31/03/2017 22:12

So I'm guessing the box was in a room you both frequent? He's not hiding it? So it's just a memento of his past. I would be a bit jealous but not overly worried because it's not hidden. I.e he's got nothing to hide from you. Just ask him.

brillopants · 31/03/2017 22:13

Hmmm, I am familiar with this and unfortunately it's a red flag to me. My ex 'planted' stuff for me to find, to let me know he still thought about his ex ( he didn't really, but it was to keep me on my toes) look up narcissistic abuse and see if anything rings a bell. You could be being manipulated.

fruitbats · 31/03/2017 22:13

Dunham Sorry if my hmm face upset you. My point was that the box is in your living room. It would not be snooping to look in it imo. It's not hidden so I would have looked in it ages ago. If it was tucked at the back of DH's wardrobe - maybe not.

YouKnowNothingJS · 31/03/2017 22:15

Did you move into a yours or new place together? Or did you move into his?

Move into a new place or yours then it's weird to bring that box and place it in the living room.

His place then it may have been there for years and he's forgot about it.

The photos? I have an iPhone and whenever I've got a new one then I just sync it on my laptop and it moves all contacts, photos, texts etc ... so again it might not have been done deliberate.

I'd just talk to him tbh and say how you feel.

Also ignore the whole "he's just not that into you". That line gets trotteted out on every relationship thread from someone who has seen a tiny snapshot of your relationship.

yoohooitsme · 31/03/2017 22:18

I wouldn't take it as any sort of judgement on your relationship tbh.

DH has stuff, family stuff sentimental stiff, stuff from relationships, friends, neighbours, it could be anywhere in our house due to building projects also stuff landed where it landed. As I am the tidier of the household (he is the cleaner mostly) over the years I have tidied stuff from his old life towards one room then one cupboard in the room etc. I actually did some of that last weekend and we have been together 10 years - I just said to him I've wrapped some of your memory things in bubble and they are in this box here, its taped to keep them safe and labelled. 'Thanks' he said. That was it.

Doilooklikeatourist · 31/03/2017 22:23

Put the box and it's contents on the coffee table , or some other similar place
Point to it , and say to him , I think it's time for this lot to go
And then see what he has to say

TheWitTank · 31/03/2017 22:23

That's shit. I'm really not one for jealously, but that rings major alarm bells for me. Pics on his current mobile and a box kept in an readily available area; seems like he likes to look at them fairly frequently.

yoohooitsme · 31/03/2017 22:23

ps - there were tonnes of photos, some letters even, so quite personal.

I have some old stuff too, much more restrained quantity, all in one holdall, never look at. Not relevant now..

GabsAlot · 31/03/2017 22:27

sorry if it was just the box of stuff id say dont panic

but photos of her on his curent phone? i woldnt have that-u wouldnt do it would u whats his excuse

SingingSilver · 31/03/2017 22:28

The box wasn't exactly hidden if it was on a shelf on your living room so I wouldn't give that much thought.

The fact that it's in the living room is the problem! Tucked away in the attic with a load of other forgotten stuff would be the norm, not sitting somewhere where he can access it the second the Op goes out to buy a loaf of bread.

You can't throw it out yourself OP, but you have the right to ask him to throw it out. And his reaction would tell you a lot.

GabsAlot · 31/03/2017 22:31

three years and no photos together?

peoeple saying oh its just a box of stuff-not if its currently on his phone and yes some phones sync but u can delete them aswell

Ohyesiam · 31/03/2017 22:32

I think some people keep momentos and some don't.
But the main thing here is you don't seem to feel loved, or loved enough. That would not work for me, and I suspect it doesnt for you. It's usual to choose your partner because you feel loved and cherished(among lots of other reasons).
You deserve better.

thegoodnameshadgone · 31/03/2017 22:34

Changed my stance actually everything that yes I am said

mirime · 31/03/2017 22:41

I have stuff on my new phone that's been transferred from phone to phone for over 12 years so the photos wouldn't necessarily bother me so much.

I keep everything and am terrible for associating things with events so I wouldn't necessarily think anything of the box.

But you clearly do think this isn't OK and you know your dp. You say yourself that there are other things in the relationship you're not happy about. I think you need to talk to him.

TinselTwins · 31/03/2017 22:42

I have old photos/letters/momentos from friends and boyfriends prior to DH, it was part of my life, that doesn't wash away when you meet someone new!

DH also has a "before me" shoe box.

I find it interesting (I'ld never read letters etc but he's shown me the photos)

GinSwigmore · 31/03/2017 22:42

So they were together 2013 and you got together 2016? Confused You are cohabiting after a year?
Or have I got the timeline wrong?
Box of mementoes would not bother me. Photos on phone would - unless they were just part of a big dump/in the cloud whatever that is, I am poor with technology

Hulder · 31/03/2017 22:46

3 years, you live together and he hasn't taken a single photo of you together? And yet he has a little shrine of the one that got away in the living room?

Fuck that shit. I'd leave it all lying over the middle of the floor, say I knocked it over and was their anything he wanted to tell me?

And if he said there wasn't, I'd ask where he kept the box of memories about me Hmm

He needs to grow up and realise the girl who got away wasn't perfect, she was a bitch who hurt him and if he carries on holding a torch for a dream, the real life woman in front of him may well pack her bags and leave.

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