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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I found something I probably wasn't meant to look at/see

155 replies

DunhamO · 31/03/2017 21:32

Not sure if I'm being stupid or not, probably am, but here it is.

I live with DP, we've had workmen in and I was clearing up after them today. I knocked over a box that sits on DPs bookshelf when I was dusting and the lid came off. Inside it were some bits of jewellery, train tickets etc. "memory box" type stuff. I know who it belongs to and it's from a girl he had a long distance relationship with some years ago.

In the early days of our relationship (we were very casual at that point, though I had strong feelings for him) he spoke about her and said she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him which is why their relationship never continued.

I can't really put my finger on why but it really upset me to see that he'd held onto all this stuff from when he was with her. And it's not tucked away and forgotten about, it's in our living room, beside our things, from our life together. I don't expect him to forget he ever had a life before me but sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her.

There are still pictures of her on his phone which he has made the effort of transferring from old phones to the one he uses now. Some of her and ones of them together. We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone gone to such lengths to keep it.

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely so that has probably made me feel worse about this than I should.

AIBU to be upset? I'm not sure whether to say anything or just leave it, after all it is something private and painful to him, I don't want to pry and cause him to be upset

OP posts:

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow · 01/04/2017 09:27

Box - fine, understandable

Photos of her on current phone - no, no, no, no

You know in your heart the difference between jealousy and him not being that into you - Do you have a good friend who will be honest with you? Often our friends see things but don't want to hurt us. You know the friend who can be real, ask them.

All the best x

Rainydayspending · 01/04/2017 09:39

Wait. He steals off partners and friends? WTAF and keeps these mementos.
Suddenly seems very creepy that he keeps the ex ones in a box that he can see easily/ on display.

LadyPW · 01/04/2017 09:51

This is one of those threads where I'm shocked at other posters posts. It's a box of old photos that he may not have looked at for years and some old photos on a phone that could be ones of hundreds that he has just not bothered to delete. The OPs worry and insecurity might be completely foundless and yet other posters are telling her the relationship is as good as dead!
Exactly. I've got bits from past relationships & friendships, odd stuff, and photos - they're memories from good times in MY past. I wouldn't get rid of them if I moved in with someone because it's all part of what makes me the person I am now. I have a history. You have to accept that. It doesn't mean that I'd go running back to any of them - I wouldn't. If OP hasn't looked in that box before then there's a good chance the DP hasn't for ages either. And it's easy to transfer everything over without wasting loads of time deleting this and that. Have a word with him calmly but don't make a big deal out of it. Some people just enjoy being able to remember the good stuff from the past.

StickyWick · 01/04/2017 09:51

Does everyone realize that lots of people have hundreds of photos 'on'their phones. I have over 7,000 on mine. I bet other people have a lot more.

Original poster

DunhamO · 01/04/2017 10:15

Wait. He steals off partners and friends? WTAF and keeps these mementos.
Suddenly seems very creepy that he keeps the ex ones in a box that he can see easily/ on display

Sorry, I should have explained that better. It's not jewellery that has any value at all, cheap plastic stuff. He hasn't theived it, it's sort of like a keepsake. A bit like how you might borrow a tshirt or a hoody from a partner and it ends up being "yours"?

I feel a bit calmer now but I do need to bring it up. I'm not obvlivious to the fact that people like to have keepsakes and objects with memories attached. Like I said, I have a box full of stupid things like cocktail umbrellas from our first valentines day, a counter from the time we went to a shit pub and ended up playing a board game over a pint etc. I get the sentimental thing and I do understand that he was in love with her and its probably nice to look back on good times even if it ended badly. I was just a bit shocked that it was "out" and so close to hand rather than in a drawer or something.

I'm still not sure about the photos.

I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me but it just sort of threw me and made me question if he still wishes it had worked out with her.

OP posts:

user1471496670 · 01/04/2017 10:16

I don't think it sounds 'right' I'd be quite hurt about that.

My ex-bf kept lots of things, toys, music, keepsakes and photos of me. We met up last year after not seeing each other for over a decade and he told me he'd always been in love with me and I was the one. He kept those things because they were a part of me. Within just a couple of weeks he'd told his partner and left her and we got back together. Now I obviously don't feel proud of that but in my experience you hold onto things because they mean something abd it sounds very much like he might still have feelings for her.

MrsXx4 · 01/04/2017 10:42

I wouldn't think too much into it! I have a box of photos etc from a few ex's. I went travelling with one and have kept literally everything from my travels! its all in a box in our loft. My hubby has a box with a few car photos (LOL) but it also has a girls details on a crumpled up piece of paper, he'll never throw it. He says its the first girl he ever had the courage of asking for her details, they were on holiday about 15 years old! I think its quite sweet! xx

kali110 · 01/04/2017 11:52

coffee in that case i'm harbouring secret thoughts about several ex bfs.
I wonder how i'm going to pick between them...

Maybe I wouldn't have given it a second thought if everything else was ok.

This is your problem op, a box of tat and some pics isn't.
Tell your bf that you're feeling sidelined and that it seems you're more into him than he is you.

Original poster

DunhamO · 03/04/2017 10:20

Just an update/ more questions.

I had decided just to let this go, agreeing with those who said it's just memories from the past and has no baring on our relationship or his feelings for me.

Then she came up in conversation last night. We were watching a film and the circumstances sort of echoed what had happened between them and he mentioned this. I didn't bring up the box but I asked him a couple of questions about that time which he answered but then I asked if he was gutted when the truth came out. He said if he answered that he would just disappoint me and that he didn't want to talk about it any further. I said it wasn't fair to make a statement like that and then leave me wondering what he meant. All he would say is that he didn't want to talk about people he had "fancied" in the past. I didn't want to upset him as the whole thing had obviously touched a nerve and I'm sure it wasn't the right time to push him for an amswer but what am I supposed to take from that?

How do I ask him to talk to me about what he meant without it upsetting him? I don't want him to be annoyed and feel pressured by my asking and then just shut the conversation down again.

OP posts:

MrsXx4 · 03/04/2017 10:39

I'm sorry, but I think it is now pretty clear that he does still have strong feelings there for her otherwise he'd find it easy to reassure you and answer your questions.

By him saying he'd disappoint you with his answer, I think you know what the answer is! x

UsedtobeFeckless · 03/04/2017 10:52

Um ... I was going to say don't worry about a box of random junk and a photo dump on his phone - I have all the letters/pics and stuff from my previous relationships and no way in hell would I go back with any of them ...
The thing about not talking about her because it would upset you is a bit more worrying, though. DP and I got together in the wake of his messy break-up from his First True Love and it was hard to stop him spilling the beans about her perfidiousness ( She shagged his mate ) and how he never wanted to see the heartless baggage again, although when she did inevitably pop up she was with one of my exs! It was very confusing!

I think you need to have a proper heart to heart with him about what he expects from your relationship and what YOU expect from your partner.

Good luck.

Applebite · 03/04/2017 11:15

I think he has an image of her in his head as a perfect fantasy girl and he's still a bit smitten with that fantasy. She's like the one who got away.

I had a tiny bit of this when I met DP - my ex had just got back in touch. When my friend found out he was texting me, she gave me a really hard time, and said, "if you lose DP over this twat, you're going to be one sorry girl." And she was absolutely right. I blocked his number, and barely think about him 4 years later.

If your bf is hanging onto memories and not seeing what's in front of him, he's being an idiot. And he's not being fair to you.

I think you need to have the chat again, and if he can't make you feel comfortable about it, then you have some thinking to do about what you want.

ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2017 11:20

I'm so op but this doesn't sound good at all. He isn't over her

xStefx · 03/04/2017 11:23

He isn't over her, Not to keep a box of memories of her in your living room, Shoved away in a drawer is ok I would say... I mean what would he say if you had a shrine of stuff in your living room of your ex? Works both ways

So what do you think he would do if you left him? Maybe get a new girlfriend and then keep a box of "yours and his memories" in her house.
He sounds like he has trouble letting go of the past x

Oly5 · 03/04/2017 11:27

I have a box under my bed with old photos and letters from my ex. I am most definitely over him but I want to keep them as a reminder of a mostly happy past relationship. So what? Doesn't mean I'm not madly in love with DH

Applebite · 03/04/2017 11:28

Oly5 - so do lots of people.

But RTT, sadly the Op's partner isn't giving her that same reassurance. He's keeping his box in their living room and refusing to talk about the issues with their relationship

usernoidea · 03/04/2017 11:30

Very similar situation happened to me. Current bf still has a memory box and photo album of ex.they are still on ok terms as live in same village and we all bump into each other.
You've got to stop torturing yourself. Please have a chat to him and tell him you were surprised how much finding the box upset you. Totally normal to speak about this with someone you love! Not worth the mindfuck of not bringing it up x good luck op x

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/04/2017 11:31

sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her

Yanbu to feel like this, can you create some distance for a while and ask him if this is the case? OP, you deserve to be #1- we all do

and you need to sound this out before investing you life into him

Magicpaintbrush · 03/04/2017 11:37

If this stuff was in the loft, out of sight and out of mind, then that would be very different - but why is it in your living room in a place where he can look at this stuff at any time? That is very disrespectful to you imho. And what on earth is he thinking to be transferring photos of her onto his current phone?? Those actions speak volumes. You deserve much better than this treatment, I wouldn't put up with this if I were you. If he is still holding a flame for 'the one that got away' then I think you need to have a serious talk about whether you want to be with this man. You should never be second best to somebody else in your relationship, you deserve to be truly loved and put first.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 03/04/2017 11:48

He said if he answered that he would just disappoint me and that he didn't want to talk about it any further.

Ergh, this is horrible, what a cruel thing to say. You know what you've got to do.

Btw, he's not "still in love with the one who got away" or any such ridiculous thing, so don't torture yourself putting it in those terms, with those two the romantic leads and you the walk-on part. Clearly she's not this perfect being who just somehow mysteriously "got away" from him, she up and shagged someone else, it's not complicated. They split up four years ago, if he's still acting like this at this point then I'd say he's a big drama llama, loves the tragedy of it all, her as perfect lost love, him as noble wounded man trying to make it work with a lesser mortal (you!)

They sound like twerps quite honestly and you sound thoughtful and nice. Take a deep breath, leave him to sigh into his box and get on with your life (and probably rethink cohabiting so quickly in future).

amusedbush · 03/04/2017 11:53

I was with my first love for three years. We lived together. He broke up with me very abruptly and the pain of it was horrendous. I was gutted.

I missed him for a long time and was very sad about it. Two years passed and I met my now DH. I can honestly say that I feel nothing when I think about my ex, and would be able to reassure of that DH without a second thought.

The fact that your DP won't do the same for you means that he's still in love with her, or at least the idea of her. It's only been a year - cut your losses.

milkshake1973 · 03/04/2017 11:55

Well, I've got a box of old sentimental crap from a past relationship and I know that DH does too. I don't think either of us feel threatened and I never look through it, only to shift them around during a spring clean! Although, we are both aware of them and not secretive about it.

Maybe the pics were just lump-transferred to his new phone? Can you talk to him about it, if he doesn't take on board your feelings then perhaps he does have a few issues there. Plus I agree that you shouldn't be made to feel second best, you deserve far better than that. GL OP x

ExConstance · 03/04/2017 12:02

The person I was sure I would have married died when he was 23 in a climbing accident. I still keep all our love letters and DH understands that. I try to keep my memories alive as both his parents died young ( his mother drank herself to death after he died) and he was an only child, as were both his parents. You can't just excise your feelings and memories.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 03/04/2017 12:03

Actually I take back "they sound like twerps", we don't really know anything about her. He sounds like a twerp. Of course being betrayed is fucking awful, but someone decent and nice who's not over their ex and knows it wouldn't get together with someone else in the first place, far less make such ambiguous, excluding, destabilising comments about it under the noble guise of "not upsetting you". It's profoundly unfair and manipulative.

BarbarianMum · 03/04/2017 12:10

A box of old memorabilia is no biggie if things are good in a relationship but it really doesn't sound like he is over her. And he doesn't sound very kind to wards you, either. Sorry.

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