I found something I probably wasn't meant to look at/see

[DunhamO]

Not sure if I'm being stupid or not, probably am, but here it is.

I live with DP, we've had workmen in and I was clearing up after them today. I knocked over a box that sits on DPs bookshelf when I was dusting and the lid came off. Inside it were some bits of jewellery, train tickets etc. "memory box" type stuff. I know who it belongs to and it's from a girl he had a long distance relationship with some years ago.

In the early days of our relationship (we were very casual at that point, though I had strong feelings for him) he spoke about her and said she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him which is why their relationship never continued.

I can't really put my finger on why but it really upset me to see that he'd held onto all this stuff from when he was with her. And it's not tucked away and forgotten about, it's in our living room, beside our things, from our life together. I don't expect him to forget he ever had a life before me but sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her.

There are still pictures of her on his phone which he has made the effort of transferring from old phones to the one he uses now. Some of her and ones of them together. We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone gone to such lengths to keep it.

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely so that has probably made me feel worse about this than I should.

AIBU to be upset? I'm not sure whether to say anything or just leave it, after all it is something private and painful to him, I don't want to pry and cause him to be upset

"Does everyone realize that lots of people have hundreds of photos 'on'their phones. I have over 7,000 on mine. I bet other people have a lot more."

I'm not sure that's of any relevance to the thread TBH.

The issue is that he's making a conscious effort to transfer old photos from phone to phone to keep them within easy access.

I'm sure everyone has photos of ex's on old phones or laptops that are lurking at the back of the wardrobe. Not a problem. But moving them from phone to phone? It's a considered move.

I think all this about his feelings for his ex is a bit of a red herring TBH. If I were you I'd be focusing on what is happening now, between the two of you, that is making you unhappy. His lack of willingness to communicate does not sound promising.

Why are you worried about upsetting him, OP?

What's he like when he's upset?

Oh babe. I would find that so painful and I understand how lonely it must make you feel. I keep a lot of stuff from old relationship because I've always been of the opinion that getting rid of somebody (and all things linked to them) means you end up erasing a part of your life too, if you know what I mean. I would suggest bringing it up with him gently and telling him it made you wonder what his feelings towards her are - I doubt he still loves her, but he might be holding onto the memories. I can tell you, from personal experience, that this doesn't diminish his love for you - although I agree that he should be reminded that you have feelings too and that you need to feel more loved than you have recently. It sounds like he's probably quite a sensitive guy and worth talking to about this, and it might lead you to chat about other relationship issues as well - after all, telling him finding the box made you feel lonely and sad gives him a perfect chance to comfort and reassure you. If he doesn't, then you'll have more thinking to do, but I have a feeling it'll be ok. Good luck! X

I just asked him if he wishes things has worked out with her. He replied "Don't know" and then "I'm happy where I am just now".

I'm not scared of upsetting him, I just don't want him to be upset. From the little he has said before about that time, i get the feeling its a sore point, which is understandable considering what she did (it was beyond just cheating). I don't want to cause him pain by dragging it all up if I'm being paranoid.

I'd let it go. i think back wishfully and wonder how things might have been but it doesn't mean that I am unhappy where I am now.

So she really hurt him?

Bin him.

He's happy where he is just now

Wow just wow.

That's a clear indaicarion that you're not his forever partner.

He's treading water and unlikely to commit.

Also he's crap at communicating and sounds like hard work, and immature to boot.

Tell me he has a 10inch one, and knows what to do with it, or else I really can't see why you're there.

He's not a keeper. Sorry.

Look elsewhere. He's not even with you.

But I think you could also argue that you're upset! Do you deserve to be more upset than him?!
Open up to him. If you guys can't discuss this then that's a worry.....

He is so checked-out of this relationship it's a wonder his things (including that chuffing box) are still in your home.

I don't want to cause him pain by dragging it all up if I'm being paranoid. But you won't know whether you're being paranoid unless you do talk to him about it. Why is him not being upset more important than allaying your fears? You've had a couple of semi-conversations about it and he has done absolutely nothing to put your mind at rest, or reassure you that he loves you, and only you, and wants to be with you.

I'd be cutting my losses and moving on. Sorry OP

i would no be waiting for him to clarify his feelings, and the thing about him saying im happy where i am right now is so open ended its not really clear, me personally I couldn't be with someone like that,.

Just hold your head up and walk away. I don't believe there would be any point to trying to talk about it further with him with his little hints and keeping and transferring photos. She is his one that got away and you are second best.
You don't deserve that gather your self respect and know that being on your own would be preferable to the situation you are currently in.

Just be honest with him and say - calmly - that you felt a bit hurt when you realised that he still had these photos and keepsakes of her, and absolutely no photos of you. And then just wait for his response.

If he can reassure you, then great. If not, then you have a lot of thinking to do.

Also, you are being very careful not to upset him in any way, but he is not extending the same courtesy to you. You are within your rights to expect a bit of consideration for your feelings.

We were watching a film and the circumstances sort of echoed what had happened between them and he mentioned this.

This sentence bothers me. It's been years, and for him to 'mention' this to you when you're having 'you' time together is very thoughtless and possibly proves that he's far from over what happened/not moved on from it.

I have no memory boxes from any of my exes, but then again, they were such assholes that I don't want to remember them 😂😂.

Didn't have time to read the whole thread, and someone else has probably said, but if it's an iPhone the pictures may have been backed up to iCloud then will automatically appear on the new phone, so not nessesarily copied from one phone to the other.

I'm sorry but he needs to get a grip. The least you deserve is honesty. If that 'disappoints' you then that's a risk he is going to have to take.

He can't expect you to go along with potentially living a lie because he is not over his ex. The fact that he can't/won't talk to you openly and honestly about this is a huge red flag to me.

However, only you know your relationship.

So I'm going to play devil's advocate for the moment. I suspect if the DH had put the box away somewhere, some would be screaming for his blood and decrying him as a secretive, deceitful hoarder with something to hide. But because it was right there in the living room, now he's rude and tactless and obviously doesn't care. I don't think he can win for losing. Personally I would find it somewhat reassuring that it wasn't hidden away. He could, of course, be a master manipulator who relied precisely on hiding right out in the open but the average person isn't that mendacious and brash.

If we therefore assume that it's a memento of a past chapter in his life, then I'd say that all you need to do is talk to him about it. No acrimony. No accusations. He didn't hide it from you and there's nothing in there to suggest an ongoing relationship. If it raised fears about how he sees you, tell him simply and clearly, "This is how this made me feel." He might be surprised. He might not be. Whatever the case, I would be very about any partner who didn't accept that I had a past before they arrived and resented my keeping any memory of it. Some of those memories are more special than others and I treasure them a little more, just as your DH seems to do. It doesn't mean for one second that I'd trade anything I have right now for a past that's long-gone. If you want him to tuck it away, though, then that seems like a perfectly fair request.

ForTheSakeOfFuck Forget the devil's advocate bit. From the OP's updates, this bloke is settling with OP, and he's not even beginning to give her any reassurance.

OP, I'd move on, this bloke is only with you, for now.

Why would he push for all this if I'm not enough for him? I uprooted my whole life to be with him and he knows that.

Raspberry: From the OP's updates, this bloke is settling with OP

You could be absolutely right, but bear in mind that we're getting all this from the OP's perspective on events, and OP seems quite downcast and broken-hearted at the moment. In the wrong kind of mood, even the smallest unmeaningful gesture or word can feel belittling and sidelining. I'm therefore trying to adjust for OP's possibly distorted perspective. This might be a man that loves her very much, just in a different way from the feelings he had for the previous woman. I love my OH very differently to the way I loved my very first serious crush. And thank god too. The first one was more like an unhealthy, worshipful adoration that in retrospect, would have brought nothing but trouble. But anyway, my point being, what OP is seeing right now through her frame of reference could potentially be quite a step away from the truth. It might be that his love for her may not be that incandescent passion that it was for the previous woman, but that previous woman ultimately broke him on the rocks, and he's allowed to be sad and touchy about it, just as OP could be sad and touchy about her own past failed relationships. The love he now has for OP might be that slow-burn, powerful undercurrent that changes the whole course of his life for the better. Ultimately, we'll never know. You may be right. I may be. Neither of us could be. Only OP has the chance of finding it out, and the best way for her to do that is to simply talk about it with him, calmly and openly. If he is indeed settling, then I agree, it's time to move on, but let's be sure that's the case first before urging her to make major life choices that might actually be founded on nothing more than paranoia bred out of sadness.

OK, is it impossible to imagine that, had she not fucked him over (whatever she did), they'd still be together now? I mean, it's a statement of potential fact, no? Is he just being really insensitive with his assessment, rather than pining after her still?

Circumstances/events dictated that they split, but you've basically asked him where he'd be if those circumstances/events hadn't come to be. I don't really see a problem with an acknowledgement that he may well have had a completely different future, in that situation.

Maybe I'm missing something. But my husband and I are pretty practical about this stuff. If I didn't have him, I'd have someone else (Tim Minchin is right!). If my boyfriend of twenty years ago hadn't moved away, maybe I'd be married to him now. Acknowledging that shouldn't be upsetting and it in no way means I'd prefer that current situation.

Because he can't have the one that got away. He still had to pursue and chase you as the runner-up, as you weren't so desperate you'd just fall all over yourself to be chosen by him.

I think it's odd how you're worried about his feelings when he's shat on you from a great height.

You suspect him of settling for you and worry about his feelings.

Nothing wrong with settling, by the way. As long as it's a mutually understood and agreed upon decision.

MaidofStars I didn't ask him what was factually possible though, I asked him if he wished things had worked out with her.

I had a lovely relationship with a guy before I met my partner, he ticked all my boxes until I found out he had cheated on me. If he hadn't done that or if I hadn't found out, it's reasonable to assume I might still be with him now but I certainly don't wish that was the case. I'd pick my partner over anyone from my past.

Op you are going to have to have a frank conversation with your dp about all of this. What is the point in wasting time worrying about upsetting him. I'm guessing if you're are second best to someone else you wouldn't stay right? Then why drag it out?

On the other hand he might reassure you (convincingly) that you're the only one for him, and you'll have spent a load of time worrying over nothing.

Either way, just getting all this off your chest will help.

OP your partner is not being honest with you about his emotions. Have some self respect and have the conversation with him. You are entitled to clarity about your relationship. Don't use the excuse you don't want to upset him. Be honest with yourself and admit you don't want to know the truth.