I found something I probably wasn't meant to look at/see

[DunhamO]

Not sure if I'm being stupid or not, probably am, but here it is.

I live with DP, we've had workmen in and I was clearing up after them today. I knocked over a box that sits on DPs bookshelf when I was dusting and the lid came off. Inside it were some bits of jewellery, train tickets etc. "memory box" type stuff. I know who it belongs to and it's from a girl he had a long distance relationship with some years ago.

In the early days of our relationship (we were very casual at that point, though I had strong feelings for him) he spoke about her and said she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him which is why their relationship never continued.

I can't really put my finger on why but it really upset me to see that he'd held onto all this stuff from when he was with her. And it's not tucked away and forgotten about, it's in our living room, beside our things, from our life together. I don't expect him to forget he ever had a life before me but sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her.

There are still pictures of her on his phone which he has made the effort of transferring from old phones to the one he uses now. Some of her and ones of them together. We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone gone to such lengths to keep it.

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely so that has probably made me feel worse about this than I should.

AIBU to be upset? I'm not sure whether to say anything or just leave it, after all it is something private and painful to him, I don't want to pry and cause him to be upset

I do want to know the truth Monster. But I also know that regardless of how he feels towards me, I care about him deeply and I know that it really hurt him at the time so I want to be sensitive in my approach. He has made it clear he doesn't want to talk at length about it and that's without knowing I've seen this thing which he's kept private. I can't just wade in and make demands on him as much as I agree I have a right to know how he's feeling and where I stand. From a selfish point of view, that's unlikely to get me any answers anyway as he'll just be even more reluctant to speak about it.

Of course I don't want to hear that he'd rather be with her even after all this time and the life we've started to build together, but I also don't want to spend years giving everything to a relationship where he is never truly happy and it ends in tears.

I've asked him about it (without mentioning the box and the photos) and he has spoken a little so the gentle approach seems to be working.

OP, please re-read ForTheSakeOfFuck's post today at 14:47:37 - I think she speaks a lot of sense.

You say you know your DP loves you, that he took the lead in moving your relationship from dating to serious to living together, and that you uprooted your life to be with him - all that counts for a lot.

But you also say "Maybe I wouldn't have given it a second thought if everything else was ok" - that's the bit you need to address by talking to him.

I wish you all the best

I am not entirely convinced there is a problem here. He clearly was affected by how that relationship ended. I dont see why that is a bad thing.

I too am happy where I am just now. That is not the issue. Asking where I will be in the future, who I will be with and what we will be doing is more important. I want all of that with DP but it DP cheated on my then I would not be wanting to do all that and I would not be happy where I am.

Rather than talk about the past and the hurtful topic, talk about the future and see how keen he is. If he has ideas and hopes and aspirations then he is invested in you. If he basically says "lets just see shall we" then you may have a problem.

I'd understand if the woman was dead or something, but having the box in the living room and pictures on his phone is a bit much.

The thing is though, he didn't keep it private.... it was in the lounge of your shared home....I'd try to speak to him further and just tell him how it's made you feel. Your feelings matter too.