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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I found something I probably wasn't meant to look at/see

155 replies

DunhamO · 31/03/2017 21:32

Not sure if I'm being stupid or not, probably am, but here it is.

I live with DP, we've had workmen in and I was clearing up after them today. I knocked over a box that sits on DPs bookshelf when I was dusting and the lid came off. Inside it were some bits of jewellery, train tickets etc. "memory box" type stuff. I know who it belongs to and it's from a girl he had a long distance relationship with some years ago.

In the early days of our relationship (we were very casual at that point, though I had strong feelings for him) he spoke about her and said she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him which is why their relationship never continued.

I can't really put my finger on why but it really upset me to see that he'd held onto all this stuff from when he was with her. And it's not tucked away and forgotten about, it's in our living room, beside our things, from our life together. I don't expect him to forget he ever had a life before me but sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her.

There are still pictures of her on his phone which he has made the effort of transferring from old phones to the one he uses now. Some of her and ones of them together. We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone gone to such lengths to keep it.

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely so that has probably made me feel worse about this than I should.

AIBU to be upset? I'm not sure whether to say anything or just leave it, after all it is something private and painful to him, I don't want to pry and cause him to be upset

OP posts:

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 22:54

He must have really loved her and your okay with him keeping old photos of her on his phone but none of you. The box is fine but he never told you or showed you his memories maybe you're not that close yet and he's still working out his feelings. You can bring it up but don't embarrass him leave him to talk to you about it in his own time and own way.

1AnnoyingOrange · 31/03/2017 22:54

Address the issue. Either he has the box there but isnt bothered either way and the photos went across on phone with all the rest of the info on the phone as Gin said big dump in the cloud lol

Or he is not over it, hoping one day she and he will get back together and looks at photos on phone about how "box ticky" she was.

She wasnt that great if she betrayed him.

He shouldnt be storing an ex gf memory box in your living room.

Fintress · 31/03/2017 22:55

My ex left me for another woman (best gift he ever gave me) and he asked to take our wedding photographs which I more than happily gave him. I wonder what she thought about that.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2017 22:58

It's been a year OP. If you were special enough to him to make him get over his ex, then he would have done so by now. Sorry :-(

You don't have to settle for being the runner-up prize in your own relationship. Dump him, and find someone who wants to fill a shoebox with pictures of you.

HorridHenryrule · 31/03/2017 22:59

fintress she probably ripped it up and threw it in the bin.

BillSykesDog · 31/03/2017 22:59

Honestly. I had this exact thing happen to me years ago. He just bought it with him when we moved in together and hadn't really thought about the significance and it was more thoughtlessness than nastiness or pining for someone else.

We have been together nearly 20 years now and have 3 kids. He's FB with the OW now. And her lesbian partner.

DoodleFunker · 31/03/2017 23:03

Just to put another view onto this.

I have a similar box for my ex partner- he ended his life. My current partner now knows he's dead and how he died, but I didn't tell him for quite a while (about two years).

Are you sure she is still alive?

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 31/03/2017 23:10

Hmmm, I am familiar with this and unfortunately it's a red flag to me. My ex 'planted' stuff for me to find, to let me know he still thought about his ex ( he didn't really, but it was to keep me on my toes) look up narcissistic abuse and see if anything rings a bell. You could be being manipulated

That's a bit far fetched, in my opinion.
But then again, if anybody tried to keep me on my toes, I'd kick them into touch.

It's just a box of stuff on a shelf. I'm surprised that OP has lived in a house for a year and not looked in it. Probably DP hasn't either.
It's just there because it was there. No big deal in my opinion.

Fintress · 31/03/2017 23:11

fintress she probably ripped it up and threw it in the bin

Saved me a job . Bizarrely he sent me an email out of the blue last year with a pic of me on our honeymoon attached.

NeonGod73 · 31/03/2017 23:12

This sounds VERY fishy. Keeping things that reminds someone of an X is a sign they haven't fully moved on. And it is deeply disrespectful. I think he is still pining for her. You are second best, just a substitute. There are three people in this relationship.
I wonder if he would ditch you if she clicked her finger and took him back...

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 31/03/2017 23:16

Oh for goodness sake. Mountain. Molehill.

GabsAlot · 31/03/2017 23:17

sorry got the timeeline wrong but still you live together andno photos

StickyWick · 31/03/2017 23:19

If the box was in the living room then he wasn't hiding it. If you haven't looked in it for years then he may well not have. I wouldn't read anymore into it.

I think the same thing goes for the photos. If you don't know that he purposely selected them to keep then I don't see why it's a big deal. If he has loads of photos then it's time consuming to go through them and delete certain ones from the past. The other possibility is that he has his iCloud set up like I do where it seems impossible to delete them. 😂. I delete them from my phone but they only go and download themselves again. It's like whack-a-mole but with photos.

I think the more pertinent question is how your relationship is otherwise. If you don't feel loved and valued then that's a serious problem.

incywincybitofa · 31/03/2017 23:20

You know it isn't quite right, otherwise you wouldn't post ON Mumsnet AIBU.
What makes him so special that you want to be with him,when he doesn't want your picture but does want his ex's?
YANBU to think red alert.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 31/03/2017 23:25

What is it with photos? I've been married for 20+ years and I'd struggle to find a photo of me and DH together. Some people just don't do photos, I've loads of photos of me and XDH together because we were younger and did more photos. But I don't care all that much for XDH even though I have lots of photos of us together.
Current DH, hardly any photos, but I like him a lot better than XDH.
Just stop it off peddling the idea that having a photo together equals lasting love and loyalty. It doesn't. It's just a fecking photo.

GabsAlot · 31/03/2017 23:28

verm its the point that he has photos of his ex and not of his current partner

its not about if he loves her-or maybe it is

buttercup54321 · 31/03/2017 23:30

I would be having words and that box would be gone. If he refused then he would be gone with it.

Oddbins · 31/03/2017 23:34

I think that perhaps you are both settling which isn't the basis for happily ever after.

NotaSnowflake · 31/03/2017 23:35

Tell him you've thrown it away and watch his reaction....

kali110 · 31/03/2017 23:39

I think yabu about the trinkets he shouldn't have to throw things away just because you are together .
I have things from previous bfs, that has no bearings on dh and i.
The photos are different.
I wouldn't have problem if you didn't say that you don't have ones of the two of you together.
Why not?
why won't he do things of the two of you?
If he did this i would say the photos eouldn't be a big deal.
I know women and men who don't like to throw pics away.
Also how he describes his ex does sound worrying.

CalmItKermitt · 31/03/2017 23:39

Pfft. Stuff that. I wouldn't have it! Bloody cheek of him 😡

TheBookIsOnTheTable · 31/03/2017 23:42

I think it's a pretty big issue that when something is upsetting you this much you say you don't want to talk about it because you don't want to seem like you're prying. That sounds like something somebody might say if they've been dating somebody for a month or two. If you're in a serious relationship, you should be willing and able to communicate with your partner.

kali110 · 31/03/2017 23:42

NeonGod73 sorry, not always true!
I've kept things because i love them so why should i throw them away because the guy was a twat
Other things to remind me of good times.
Not all relationships end badly! Doesn't mean a person hasn't moved on.
In years to come i can look back and remember my teenage years

StickyWick · 31/03/2017 23:47

This is one of those threads where I'm shocked at other posters posts. It's a box of old photos that he may not have looked at for years and some old photos on a phone that could be ones of hundreds that he has just not bothered to delete. The OPs worry and insecurity might be completely foundless and yet other posters are telling her the relationship is as good as dead!

I can see that there may be legitamite issues with the relationship as the OP has mentioned a few things in her OP but those are real reasons based on fact not on guesswork.

Having an old box of photos and old photos on a phone might possibly mean something but equally it might mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

jcsp · 31/03/2017 23:47

Stuff like that is odd.

You don't really want it/need it but can't chuck it away.

Chucking it says something, throwing away memories of events, often happy events, that made you what you are.

Keeping them, or perhaps more accurately, not chucking them doesn't mean that one is holding onto the thought of a reconciliation or a winding back of the clock.

However I can understand that your partners keeping of this stuff can foster a feeling of insecurity etc.

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