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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I found something I probably wasn't meant to look at/see

155 replies

DunhamO · 31/03/2017 21:32

Not sure if I'm being stupid or not, probably am, but here it is.

I live with DP, we've had workmen in and I was clearing up after them today. I knocked over a box that sits on DPs bookshelf when I was dusting and the lid came off. Inside it were some bits of jewellery, train tickets etc. "memory box" type stuff. I know who it belongs to and it's from a girl he had a long distance relationship with some years ago.

In the early days of our relationship (we were very casual at that point, though I had strong feelings for him) he spoke about her and said she's the only person he's ever been in love with, she ticked every box and so on. I also know she betrayed him and really hurt him which is why their relationship never continued.

I can't really put my finger on why but it really upset me to see that he'd held onto all this stuff from when he was with her. And it's not tucked away and forgotten about, it's in our living room, beside our things, from our life together. I don't expect him to forget he ever had a life before me but sometimes I get the feeling he wishes things had turned out differently with her but he's managed to settle for me instead because he couldnt have her.

There are still pictures of her on his phone which he has made the effort of transferring from old phones to the one he uses now. Some of her and ones of them together. We live together and he has never ever taken a picture of the two of us let alone gone to such lengths to keep it.

There are other things in our relationship making me feel sidelined and lonely so that has probably made me feel worse about this than I should.

AIBU to be upset? I'm not sure whether to say anything or just leave it, after all it is something private and painful to him, I don't want to pry and cause him to be upset

OP posts:
Vermillioncomfyshoes · 01/04/2017 00:01

Having an old box of photos and old photos on a phone might possibly mean something but equally it might mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

That's exactly it. In a nutshell.

I admire your brevity.

jamie2 · 01/04/2017 00:02

start by getting him to take some selfies of you both. It may be that his ex was into photos and it sounds as if you haven't been up to now.
Do you have any photos of you both?

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 01/04/2017 00:06

start by getting him to take some selfies of you both

I must be far too old to see how that might help.

jamie2 · 01/04/2017 00:16

Vermillion he will have some photos of him and the op on his phone-might make the op feel better.

Original poster
DunhamO · 01/04/2017 00:19

It's not a box of photos, its a few bits of jewellery that I suspect he pinched off her when they were together as a keepsake plus ticket stubs and things from when he travelled to meet her. He wears a cheap string of beads on his wrist that he pinched from me on our first date and I know he has done similar with people he is no more than friends with.

I suspect he stopped wearing hers when he found out who she really was. I'm certain that he isn't still in contact with her and also certain that he's not holding out hope of a reunion. She lives hundreds of miles away and they are definitely not in contact.

As for the photos, it could be that they just got dumped in with everything else as he changed phones, I really can't be sure either way unless I ask him. Neither of us are in the habit of taking photos really- thete are one or two of us together but they were taken by other people. The ones of her are selfies (she may have taken them and he just has a copy, or he might have been more inclined to take photos since they didnt see each other often).

I don't think he has looked at the box since we've been living together, can't be certain but he's rarely home without me around.

We moved into a new place together so the box came from his old place. It was packed with his books and other random stuff (his packing was very disorganised) and he just sat it on the shelf in front of them when he was unpacking, so possibly just laziness to put it elsewhere rather than deliberately wanting it close to hand.

I don't remember seeing it out anywhere at his old place either.

Maybe I wouldn't have given it a second thought if everything else was ok.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 01/04/2017 00:34

I keep everything - we just moved and I have notes from guys who were interested in me 25 years ago (maybe more!), letters from a serious boyfriend whom I split with and whom I'm still friends with. Same with photos. I hate to rob my biographer of anything :) I'm the same with the kids - I save stuff for them they wouldn't care about.

So, if he has a special box for her and looks at it occasionally and makes sure her photos transfer with every phone change - bit odd and he might well be still so smitten with her that he is unable to have a relationship with anyone else.

But if he keeps everything and happened to keep her stuff too, doesn't look at it at all, and the photos are just along with everything else, then he is a memory pack-rat, like many of us - it doesn't mean anything much.

If I were you, I'd tell him I found it and ask him straight - "no problem if you like to keep stuff but do you still think she is "the one" or are you ready for someone else, because I'll tell you now I am not going to be second best for anyone - I know I am worth better than that"

scottishdiem · 01/04/2017 01:28

Fuck. Sake. Jealousy, thy name is MN posters.

I have not taken any pictures of DP but DP has taken a gazillion including selfies and of us together. If neither of us took photos I don't think there would be more than a handful. Is this guy deleting photos of OP in favour of retaining the ones of the ex.

Goodness knows what you lot will be like in older age if you are/ever find yourselves living with a widower. People have memories you know.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 01/04/2017 01:35

Have you asked him about it? He probably forgot about it. I don't think you need to worry about it, considering how long you are together.

notangelinajolie · 01/04/2017 01:37

I just typed a big long post about someone I loved once who didn't love me but decided it's waffle.

I think when you have your heart broken you loose something and can it take a long, long time before you get over it. I am sure your partner loves you - all he has in that box are memories Nothing else. He is with you now and that is all that matters. The past is the past and that's that.

And now I'm waffling again. All I wanted to say is be happy and concentrate on today. Not yesterday.

UnconventionalWarfare · 01/04/2017 01:49

I have a similar box its to remind me never to invest myself so much in a person again

kali110 · 01/04/2017 01:59

I have old ticket stubs of concerts too.
I also have old jewellery from bfs.
It's 20 years old, i'm certainly not holding out for a reunion with them!
Past bf's had pics of exgf's.
They weren't hung up on them, they just didn't see the need to throw pics away.
I have few pics from a past relationship.
It was over a decade ago.
It's nice to remember that time of my life though ( not many worries!)
I would be taking pics with him.
You feeling sidelined is the problem,
That is not ok.

Boogiewoogiebuglegirl · 01/04/2017 02:07

I still have similar things from my university boyfriend, who broke my heart, even though we've been apart 12 years.

Why?

It's simple - I've just never gotten around to throwing it out!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 01/04/2017 02:12

Maybe I wouldn't have given it a second thought if everything else was ok.

That is a very telling statement. Have you spoken to him about any of this?

daintydee1002 · 01/04/2017 02:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 02:58

I don't think you have any right to tell him what to do with his own stuff.

I think the problem here is your relationship now. If it were fine, you would not feel jealous about this, to this extent.

I have been married for 20 years and both of us still have a few things that remind us of previous relationships. I admit these give me a tiny pangs, but it would be outrageous for him to tell me what to do with my keepsakes ( and vice versa). They represent my life. And my life has not always been with him 9despite being so for 28 years).

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 03:02

The pictures on the phone, and none of you are a bit more concerning,

kmc1111 · 01/04/2017 03:19

I don't get the problem with the phone. Surely most people just select the option to transfer everything over to the new phone, rather than spend hours going through everything and deciding? If you want your boyfriend to have photos of you and you guys as a couple, use his phone to take some photos.

I've been with my partner over 20 years, and I still have many keepsakes from past relationships. I don't feel any need to pretend I never loved anyone else or created great memories with them, and I wouldn't accept my partner telling me I needed to trash parts of my own history.

badabing36 · 01/04/2017 05:31

daintydee1002

Think you've made a mistake there.

You're only option is to ask him op. If he's happy to get rid of them/ keeping them for when he's in his 90s (with you) and no-one cares anymore then fine.
If he gets upset with you for snooping and refuses to get rid/ put in the attic forever then you deserve better.

aurynne · 01/04/2017 05:50

"Maybe I wouldn't have given it a second thought if everything else was ok."

This, in a nutshell.

I haven't thrown away any photos of past relationships. They are photos of big chunks of my life, most of which were happy. I keep little notes, letters, cards, mementos... from my very first boyfriend to my last. By some MumsNet posters', I must still be in love with every single one of them! My Dh has a whole drawer full of photos of his younger years, many with his ex-wife. It wouldn't cross my mind to ask him to throw them away!

It seems that the issue here, OP, is you feeling neglected. The box is just the cherry on top.

steff13 · 01/04/2017 06:06

He stole her jewelry?

OliviaStabler · 01/04/2017 06:28

Maybe I wouldn't have given it a second thought if everything else was ok.

What else is going on that is making you unhappy op?

CompletelyConfusedMummy · 01/04/2017 07:01

YANBU. I would end things with him now.

icanteven · 01/04/2017 07:19

From your second post it sounds more like thoughtlessness than malice.

A hundred years ago with my ex I remember he got a new computer and spent an entire day transferring all his photos of his ex girlfriend onto the computer (back in the day when file transfers took ages) and sorting them by month and year.

Then he bought me the same perfume as she used to wear. Several times.

Then he started badgering me to dye my hair the same colour as hers and get leather trousers (not my style at all) like she used to wear.

Hmm

Unsurprisingly he turned out to be a nutjob.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 01/04/2017 07:30

He transferred that box to your new place together, it hasn't been forgotten about over the years. He may have instigated the move from casual dating to cohabiting but I don't think that means he doesn't have a thing for his ex, if he still keeps her things then he still thinks about her. The fact that she lives miles away is actually worse, absence makes the heart grow fonder after all.

OP I think you need to be honest with yourself here, you know he still has a thing for her and you must ask yourself if you're happy to be second best. She's not around, so it's not like he's going to leave you for her, so you could carry on regardless but would you really want to? In an ideal world your partner should be the only one on your mind but this clearly isn't the case.

My ex recently told me he still has photos and letters in a box from when we were together, I told him to bin them because it's creepy but he said he likes the memories. I don't agree, I know he's kept them to maintain a level of contact with me (it's nothing to do with feelings, I left him because he was controlling and EA). I'm not saying that the situation is the same but the concept is, there's still a link to that person and it sounds like he's struggling with that.

You need to talk to him about her, his reaction will tell you everything.

dowhatnow · 01/04/2017 07:31

Just tell him what you found and how it's made you feel. If your relationship is solid then he will quickly reassure you. If he doesn't seem to care or dismisses your feelings then reassess.