To think this is unkind? (Friend and baby related)

[Theoffwhite]

I am friends with a group of three girls and we've known each other since college (A,B and C.) At the same age we all hit a stage we wanted to have kids (we didn't plan to try together, but we were all the same age and married.) We all found it quite difficult to conceive (all late thirties/40s)

Friend A tried for a while but was told she could not have children and so after a year of applying she adopted the loveliest little girl who is the same age as my dd. (She adopted her when she was 1yo.)

Friend B tried IVF for a short time but she felt it messed up her body and her hormones and decided she did not want to have children at all if It involved putting things into her body that would harm it. As part of this she also qualified to become a naturopath.

Friend C went ahead with IVF and eventually used a donor egg and had a baby, also a similar age to my dd and friend A's dd.

I eventually got pregnant naturally, had a dd and went on to have a ds too.

So there are three dds all a similar age, my ds who is a baby, and the four of us friends.

Now to the problem -

I feel that they have all ganged up on me about my ability as a parent, and imply that i do not deserve to have DCs.

I BF'd DD until she was 1 and am still BF-ing DS. I then swapped to formula for DD. All three of my friends have said I am not doing best by my DD by giving her aptamil instead of organic formula milk. Friend B, the naturopath, sets the tone of what is "best" and the others follow. And because I have not always followed her advice, I am looked down upon.

I also do not give my DC exclusively organic food, and again my three friends, the naturopath and those with the dds, eat all organic and have told me that I am lazy for not providing it for my DC.

When I weaned DD, I used a lot of Ella's kitchen pouches, which only led them to tell me that they thought I was being lazy (as they bought the organic veg, processed it themselves, potted it up etc.)

Friend A whose adopted daughter is almost exactly the same age as DD is extremely competitive about their progress and their behaviour and their clothes. She is constantly comparing our two dds and making jokes about how my DD had a head start (by not being adopted?!) and how she should be cleverer/more settled/more well behaved/more attached to parents than her DD but that her DD is running rings around my DD.

It's all made out to be a joke, but I don't really find it much of a joke. Friends B and C agree with her and they joke about how I find shortcuts in motherhood or let my Dc Watch too much TV or let them stay up too late and that I am an inappropriate person to have DC or somehow I am taking it for granted because it was so easy for me. They all refer to my DC as "poor DD AND DS," the implication that they have been born to someone who is all over the place. Again as a joke. That because I haven't been through the ringer with trying to have children that I am somehow inadequate and not part of the "club."

Friend C has had a full time, live-in nanny from the moment she had her DD, because she works long hours in a full time job. When I take my dc's over to friend C's house to play with her DD, I can tell that she has primed the nanny to find fault/give advice about childcare to me. From the moment I walk in the door, the nanny (an older woman) tuts that my DC are too cold, not wearing enough/ look unhappy / look tired/starving. DS is just starting to be weaned and I didn't realise until I got to her house the other day, but the nanny was under the impression (probably with orders given by friend C) that she had to teach me how to wean DS. I had already weaned DD so knew what to do, DS was already eating fine, and had never implied to any of them that I needed any help.

Friend C also keeps saying "are you STILL breastfeeding?" And rolls her eyes. Friend A also rolls her eyes. As if I am doing it deliberately to upset them. They say "stop putting your breasts in my face." Friend B pipes up "it's useless breastfeeding after a certain point, it becomes just like formula." Which I know ISN't true!

I don't feel competitive, I don't feel like I'm an inadequate mother. I don't show off (i have nothing to show off - DD is constantly tantrumming and they all roll their eyes as if it's my inadequate parenting,) I have never acted smug - i hate smugness in others and am very wary of it. I did nothing but support all my friends in their personal journeys, I never pushed my pregnancies in their faces, my kids are happy, healthy, loved.

But it's getting to the point where their personal feelings of insecurity - whatever they are - I certainly don't think any of them should feel that way - is bordering on being unkind to me. I think they have punished me enough for being able to conceive, have two DC, breastfeed, or whatever it is they have a problem with.

Trouble is if I mention it like this, it plays straight into their hands. It's almost like they want me to rub it in their faces that I have had two of my own DC, because they have somehow decided amongst themselves that I am smug about it. Our friendship only works if I put myself down and act like I never deserved to have my dc and what a joke the universe plays when it grants the joke person a chance to have their own DC.

That sounds awful. We all have our own ways of parenting, it's not a competition. I would ignore unless one says something mean directly (rather than in jest), then challenge it.

Yes to PP, the other DD's will soon pick up on the language and tone used for your DD, and then she too will be made to feel inadequate.

I agree with this, and also, what if your own DD and DS start talking to you like that? If they see mommy's friends talk to her like that, and mommy just accepting it, they might feel it's normal to speak to you like that also.

Ditch the witch! (es).

Next time you see them all i'd be inclined to tell them you are ttc again, and as none of them can have children naturally you are going to make friends with people who are less 'challenged' in the fertility department. And take a snap of thier faces as you say "later bitches" and flounce out.

But them I'm a nasty cunt!!

This friendship doesn't work at all. I'm sorry Op but what you've outlined suggests a group of people who appear to have decided they don't like you anymore. Whether that's out of jealousy or whatever the reason.

What do you say when they come out with this shite? Have you ever pulled them up on it or shut them down or are you making polite noises but seething inside? I would take a huge step back from this coven, life is hard enough without so called friends undermining and belittling you at every hands turn. Time to find some sane friends.

YANBU.

"Bordering on being unkind".... No, they are so far past unkind they don't even know what kind is anymore.

You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

I understand that in some respects it would be hard to cut them loose; you've been through a lot together and have known them a long time. But you don't deserve petty shit like this.

Basically get yourself a new group of friends because they sound like a condescending bunch of C U Next Tuesdays.

Isn't really a friendship if the main topic is bullying you which is what it is.

They are so obviously jealous of you being able to have DC easily when there is really no need as two have DC and the third didn't want to go through it (I don't see how that is your fault)...

If they are as bad as you say, it really is clear that they are not your friends. From your description, they have been deeply unpleasant to you, and sound completely self-absorbed and self-righteous. Why would you want to be friends with people who are so terribly unkind, judgemental and self-righteous?

However, I am surprised you have not come to this conclusion yourself- do you really need people on the internet to tell you that?

crunchymum fucking yy! sometimes you have to be like that, especially with people like these so called 'friends'

I don't even think the reason for the behaviour matters at this point. The dynamic in the group is so clearly against you that I don't think there is much you could say or do to change it.

Please don't put yourself or your children in this position any longer.

In the kindest possible way please work on your boundaries and your definition of a friend. These women are not your friends.

Friends are not supposed to be clones of each other, we are all different.
But in a real, equal friendship the differences are celebrated, the respect runs both ways and judgement is replaced by support.

Please find nice normal friends!

Why do you visit the nanny?

What a horrible and unkind trio of women.

You and your DC deserve far better.

Please walk away from these "friends" They are not good people and will tear you down for the rest of your life if you continue to be around them.

They sound awful and the naturopath is a quack.

They are massive, jealous twats and need to be left alone to implode in their little pile of evil. They're genuinely vile.

A long-ago-friend of mine struggled hugely with conceiving for over 7 years and went through all sorts. I never waved DS2's pregnancy in her face, never made a huge deal of it. She had her DS 3 months after I had DS2 and from the get-go competed over everything; from potty training to teeth to tantrums to sleeping to feeding she would piss on every single bonfire I ever had. I don't doubt that the stress and trauma of IVF and the divorce which followed fucked her up in the head a little. We are no longer friends and her DS just looks sad because he's spent 6 years being pushed and paraded and used as a weapon to prove her mothering skills. Friends like that aren't sustainable long-term because it becomes exhausting hearing someone so desperately trying to feel better about themselves by using a child as a gauge.

My real friends and I compete over which child has been the biggest bellend that week; I went out for tea with a friend tonight whose DD threw up all over her, her bag and purse. We sat laughing as we cleaned it up about the time DS2 was being breastfed while we went to afternoon tea (in a quite fancy place), was winded by the ever-so-helpful waiter and threw up all down the man's back. That's what friends do. They root for you throughout everything.

I didn't RTFT but your OP tells me that your friendships may have run its course...if I were you I would look for new friends...

WTF. What kind of person berates someone for not eating 100% organic food but also disapproves of breastfeeding?!

I have literally never met anyone who gave a flying fuck about whether other people eat organic food. What a weird situation.

They sound like a right clique of cunts!
Dump and run op!
But I wouldn't ease myself out I would make it clear that they are bitches by sending a message telling them.
Something along the lines of
Hi guys
I want to tell you how hurtful I find your comments about me, my kids and their upbringing and anything you feel you can criticise.
It's gone way beyond constructive and supportive, it is bitchy, rude, malicious and nasty.
Thank you for your friendship over the years but I feel it's time to move on.
All the best
OP

Is this for real??

Your "friends" sound like total bitches.

Ditch them and get some new ones.

Who needs enemies when these friends fill that position already?! Those women are a pack of jealous bitches. They clearly hate that you have biological DC as no other explanation makes sense since it all started after having DC. I would not even bother speaking to them anymore, just cut them out of your life. The three of them can stay bitter and twisted. You don't need that in your life and neither do your DC. You, DD and DS deserve better.

I think Fish Face's idea is a good one - write them a letter saying how horrible they are.

They may have been friends in the past but they certainly don't appear to be now. The truth is you outgrow certain friendships and they sound absolutely horrific.
Time to amputate. There are lots of lovely people out there, get yourself a new social circle, having children is a great way to do it, brave a new activity or parenting group.
I experienced something similar with university friends, so I do know how hurtful this is. for you OP

They sound like crap friends! Two of my closest friends have children around the same age as my lo (not as close as your friends) and none of this judgey nonsense comes up. You sound like a nice lady, you deserve nice friends so ditch these unsupportive and judgemental mamas and find some like minded people to hang out with!

OP don't feel bad about the weaning, my two have been eating mostly pouches and jars for the first 18m of their lives, they are now the best eaters. They literally eat everything.
It took us 4y to convieve, had numerous IVF.
Once the DC were born I never ever saw them as different than my friends naturally conceived DC, nor did I see myself as deserving or whatever for going through all the trouble of IVF.
Your friends just sound bitter.

Change this dynamic:

"Our friendship only works if I put myself down and act like I never deserved to have my dc and what a joke the universe plays " .

Equip yourself with some comebacks. Be ready to say "do you mean to be so judgmental?" "How do you feel when people criticise your parenting?" "Kids are kids, we all made our various choices, and all deserve to be happy. Shall we abandon the "let's bash TheOffWhite shtick" ? " "actually I am happy with my feeding choices, as I hope you are with yours, so that's all there is to be said, thank you". "Ok, I'll be honest, I am a bit tired of constant criticising by now".

You know they have issues: they think "somehow I am taking it for granted because it was so easy for me. " seems spot on. You can't go on like this, it isn't a happy or healthy friendship for you, so you have nothing to lose by challenging their behaviour. It is your last chance.

Though, how sensitive are you generally? Is she really priming the nanny? I would have thought any nanny understood well that everyone had their way and all are Ok. Nannies must have experience of implementing all approaches, so, I would have thought, would be very unwilling to pitch in against another parent!

I reckon they put you down because they somehow feel 'lesser' than you because you were able to have two children without having to go down the difficult routes of IVF/adoption as they did.

I doubt they will change, I would move on and leave them to it.