Parents withholding gift of money. Am I ungrateful?

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My DSis (18, I'm 27) recently passed her driving test and was given £500 towards a car by my parents. They gave this to her in front of me and said "we're not leaving you out, the same is waiting for you when you come to either buy a house or pass your driving test"
However, they know I have no plans to buy a house in the near future (I rent with DP and we're very content with that for now) and where we live, having a car would be more of a hinderance than a help- very central, very good public transport, nowhere to actually put a car. So I don't really plan on learning to drive anytime soon either as we love where we live.
AIBU to think that if they want to give me a gift of money, it's not really fair for them to withhold it until I want to spend it on what they want me to?
I know it's their money, they don't HAVE to give me anything, and it would never have even crossed my mind that they would give me anything. I don't want to come across entitled, but they're the ones that mentioned it!
I also wouldn't fritter away the money on nothing. They know we love to travel and if I was given a gift of money I'd probably put it towards a trip, because that is what I like to do.
I feel like they really shouldn't have mentioned it at all. I don't actually know what I want to do about this, as I can't really bring it up with them so I think I just wanted to know if it's only me that thinks this is unfair of them? Am I ungrateful?

YABVU. It's £500 reward for passing her test. Its not a random money handout I am guessing they mentioned it because as your parents they knew how you would unreasonably think "where's mine" rather than see it for what it really is.

Your parents know you well, probably better than you will admit to yourself.

yes an no

tbh 500 for a house wont do much un less you use it for rent

i know someone whos sister got a full deposit from their df when they bought a house-she cant even consider buying one right now so she got nothing-and it happens alot with oh she needs it for house stuff

does seem unfair but what can you do

It's unfair as they will only give it to you on what they consider to be important. But not really worth worrying about. You could tell them that learning to drive isn't on your list of things to do but they probably wouldn't get it .

Your sister is a student and works a Saturday job, helping her out financially to buy a car is reasonable. They did right not to hide it from you or to do it in secret, the fact they even had to say we are not leaving you out speaks volumes,

You're in full time employment, in a job you consider good. And you think they should be giving you money too? To travel? If my parents had given my brother money and said the same to me my reaction would have been thank you but don't be daft I'm in a great job and don't need it, totally different when you're a student,and been delighted for him and given them a hug,

If they had hidden it you'd have been upset, if they offered you nothing you'd have been upset, the only thing they could have done is just give you five hundred too, to do with as you please, at the exact same time.

I think YABU. My parents did a similar thing. I am one of four children and my parents are pretty well off and they were very generous in setting aside money for each of us for certain milestones in our lives.

When we passed our driving tests, they gave us a bit of money to put towards a car. When we came to buy our first home, they gave us some money to put towards a deposit. When we each got married, they gave us money to put towards the wedding. And when we had babies they gave us money to buy something we needed for the baby. They gave a bigger sum for our first babies, but have given money for subsequent babies too. But when I decided to go travelling, that was something I had to save up for and do for myself.

At the moment we each have two children, but if one of us decided to have a third child, my parents would want to give a little something for the baby, but none of the other three would be waiting for or expecting their handout too.

My older sister was about 12 years ahead of me in terms of buying a house, but it never would have occurred to me that my parents would have given me the money earlier...because it was specifically for using as a deposit for a house. It wasn't for me to go travelling with. My older brother was about 10 years behind me in terms of having of children, but he never had an issue with them giving me some money to buy something for the baby because that's what the money was for. As it happens, all four of us have married but if I had chosen not to, there is absolutely no way I would have expected them to give me the cash instead!

I think you do sound a bit entitled but I don't think your parents should have given the money to your sister in front of you. It does seem like they were making a point or rubbing your nose in it. My parents would never have done that.

Why not learn to drive anyway, you don't have to buy a car. It's a useful skill that you may need in the future. Then perhaps you could ask your parents for the £500 to pay for lessons as it's likely to cost at least that to get up to speed, if you pardon the pun.

I am horrified when I see this level of expectation. It's their money, why shouldn't they choose the things they consider worthy? I have never expected a thing from my relations (and they have never given much either). It's enough that they brought me into the world. My sister has received far more in handouts than I ever have, but she's also less competent and therefore more needy. I could easily buy everything for my children but choose, instead, to incentivise them to gain life-skills I consider important. If they don't want them then they don't have to take my money and I'll help them in other ways. If they came to me asking for money to travel I would want a well-reasoned explanation of what they would expect to get out of it and why it warrants my money. Get over it and forge your own path in life if you don't like the one they're offering. Either that or come up with an excellent, reasoned discussion with them about how they might see things differently. You might call it controlling; I call it parenting.

Hmmm.

Well, it's their money to do with what they will (as you rightly said), BUT, I think they were a little bit tactless and should have given your sister the money when you weren't there.

Sorry, I haven't RTFT, but did you say at the time "Could I have it for a holiday instead because..." and listed the reasons you gave here?

If both children get the houses they want though I can't see the problem. What if the one up North has a massive garden or a pool or something and the one down South is a tiny terrace.

I think that most people choose the best house they can get within their budget rather than their ideal house. If the person in the South is given more money then they will be able to buy a house that is worth more than the one in the North. That might be okay if they both intend to stay there forever but that can't be assumed. In the future the person in the South may have moved North and visa versa. That has certainly happened with me and my siblings. Thankfully my parents treated us equally though.

YABU. Their money.

I think you're being unreasonable. Your parents are right to do this.

My parents bought us all a new car when we passed our tests. We wouldn't have been given the equivalent amount of money had we not passed our tests.

They also gave us all money towards deposits when we bought our first properties and they give any grandchild that goes to university £3000 towards their expenses.

This is what they have chosen to do and it's much appreciated. None of us would expect a cash gift as an alternative. Property purchase, car ownership and tertiary education are all really important my parents other things like holidays, not so much.

OMG first world issues!!

I think this sort of stuff sucks. I think it would've been much fairer to give you both £ as a gift to spend as you like.

There is an implicit value judgement here which i don't like. I suspect they see driving as a valuable life skill whereas they perhaps think you will 'fritter' money away on a holiday / travel. I just see different priorities. Not everyone wants / needs / is able to drive.

That said it's their money. But I do think its tactless and insensitive and unfair.

PS lot of people saying car ownership important - not entirely sure why - surely depends on circumstances. I managed fine without a car for years and years

I see your parents POV - I went travelling at the age of 18 in my gap yah with parental help to fund it, rather than learning to drive or investing the money. Travel was fab but now 10 years on I wish I'd been a bit wiser with the money. I recently learned to drive (much harder at 30 than 18) - not essential living in central London, but my parents are getting older so I'd like to be able to drive them around if I need to, or drive on holidays etc, so learning to drive is not just about having a car for everyday use. I understand them wanting to give you something with lasting benefit

PS lot of people saying car ownership important - not entirely sure why - surely depends on circumstances. I managed fine without a car for years and years

Yes, you would think that car driving was a great benefit to society rather than a major source of air pollution.

Yes. They have decided what their money is to be used for and you should respect that.

YABU - they want to give you it in something investible.

I have always given both my boys the same value of gifts. If I were you I'd just write it off , or tell
Your folks that you'll not use it for the same thing but it would go
Toward something great .. best of luck

My mother was obsessive about being 'fair'. Every gift and handout had to match. If they couldn't afford to do so, then neither of us got anything. E.g. when I had the chance to go to the US to compete in an activity I was involved in, with my team, I wasn't allowed to go because they couldn't afford to give my db an equivalent pile of cash. This didn't feel fair to me at the time, although I accepted their logic that it was.

I bought a flat in my mid twenties and my parents helped me out a bit. My db (who was older) wasn't remotely interested in doing the same so they gave him an equal amount of cash to do what he wanted with. He blew it on travelling round Australia for two years.

On his return, penniless and jobless, he moved back in with our parents for several years while he saved up a deposit for a flat. Property prices had shot up in the meantime, making it even harder for him.

He has never stopped bitching about how our parents helped me onto the property ladder but not him.

Parents just can't win, really.

Op I don't think they are 'teasing' you about the money, or trying to manipulate you. I think they are just trying to help where they can. It doesn't sound like you need 'help' with a major life investment at the moment so they are saving their gift for when/if you do, and letting you know they are not favouring your sister. Unfortunately for them, you've taken it to mean quite the opposite.

Parenting is hard; you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

YABU. Home ownership and learning to drive are important skills for life that parents often contribute to. They quite rightly see it as helping to set up their children for independence. Your sister can now drive to work, drive her future children around, move to a rural area if she wishes, hire a rental car abroad etc.

£500 on a holiday would be nice but pretty wasteful.

I don't see why it has to be completely equal. When I got married my parents paid for my wedding. My brother isn't married, so he didn't get the equivalent money. He actually gifted me money towards the wedding as well! It would never occur to him to begrudge our parent's gift. He's not bothered about getting married but if he did I'd give him some money towards his wedding because I love him. Maybe that's unusual.

I tried to help my grown up DCs. They wanted to dictate the terms on which I spent MY money. They seemed to think they had a right to make decisions on the money. I wanted to set them up with driving licences and cars. Both DCs have partners who have parents but I did not hear of any contribution from the partners or the parents. There was no word of contribution from the DCs fathers from whom I am divorced.
In the end it just seemed that I was expected to provide money and no other person was going to do anything. The DCs got cars but that will be the last. It was only ever meant to be a start for them and not a habit for life. I would love to help more but I don't want used and I do not want told on what I am to spend MY money.
It is hard but if DCs think they are entitled to demand and when I don't comply I am sent to Coventry. This is not what I thought being a family was all about. It is more like being bullied. I wanted to do other things but those did not suit them either. It is their way or high way. It is not a comfortable feeling.

I think you are a bit old to get bothered by this - it's a nice treat for your little sister to help her out as she's so young. Just get over the sibling jealousy and get on with your life. They possibly only said you'd get it too when you passed because you showed jealousy in your face or reaction?